Do they know that they are abusive?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

From experience and reading these boards, it seems that most BPD relationships are abusive.  That's probably part of the reason we end up here - to cope with and understand the abuse.

I really don't think pwBPD realize that they are abusive to their partners.  With my BPDexgf, it was after we made up from our first major argument that I said to her, "You know, some of the things you said back there were really abusive."  And she blew up all over again.  I never knew what abuse really was until I got into this relationship.  It appeared to me that she was systematically destroying my self-esteem, as if she had a plan.  My life was so gaslit that I questioned every word I said and actions I carried out to her.  She destroyed me. 

Her anger and rage controlled me to an extent that it affected every aspect of my life: my job, my health, my self-esteem, my sleep.  Did she plan this? Had she done this to others? Did she know what she was doing? How could my sweet, loving girlfriend turn into such a monster at the drop of a hat? I know that it is because she is sick and has a severe disorder, but I am still having trouble processing the entire relationship.

[StillRecovering]

From experience and reading these boards, it seems that most BPD relationships are abusive.  That's probably part of the reason we end up here - to cope with and understand the abuse.

I really don't think pwBPD realize that they are abusive to their partners.  With my BPDexgf, it was after we made up from our first major argument that I said to her, "You know, some of the things you said back there were really abusive."  And she blew up all over again.  I never knew what abuse really was until I got into this relationship.  It appeared to me that she was systematically destroying my self-esteem, as if she had a plan.  My life was so gaslit that I questioned every word I said and actions I carried out to her.  She destroyed me. 

Her anger and rage controlled me to an extent that it affected every aspect of my life: my job, my health, my self-esteem, my sleep.  Did she plan this? Had she done this to others? Did she know what she was doing? How could my sweet, loving girlfriend turn into such a monster at the drop of a hat? I know that it is because she is sick and has a severe disorder, but I am still having trouble processing the entire relationship.

[Rayban]

I think that the abuse is mainly for 2 reasons;

1. Break their significant other down so that he/she becomes totally dependent on the BPD for basically everything(what to think, say , and act). It's control the other person.

2. By breaking the other person, they make them undesirable to other people thus insuring that the BPD won't be abandoned.

Keep in mind that most have masochistic streaks, which pull themselves up when they pull others down.

[StillRecovering]

2. By breaking the other person, they make them undesirable to other people thus insuring that the BPD won't be abandoned.

This is a very good point that I've never thought of.  I have always been a confident guy but the relationship shattered me.  She really made me believe that I was the piece of garbage she made me out to be. 

After one of the breakups and recycles, I did find ways to regain my confidence.  I started seeing other women and realized there was a whole world out there.  Then I made the mistake of going back to my BPDexgf and really believing that she had "changed".  I think she saw the more confident, fit, attractive, and happy version of me and subconsciously realized I would not tolerate her abuse.  And I didn't - when her abusive behaviors returned (as they inevitably would) I had the strength to leave her.  Unfortunately, that was only the beginning of my problems as I truly saw the darkest, most sick side of her after the final breakup.   

[Itstopsnow]

The abuse is part of their disorder. It happens when they are disregulated. You really shouldn't take it personally. I know it's very hard. I was called cruel things and he actually spit on me. They are full of anger. Mostly at themselves for not having a sense of self . They project and lash out one because of their pain and fears that get triggered at the slightest thing. And two is because fighting is their comfort zone. Anger is easier to feel and process than depression. It's an active emotion. And this is how they survived and got what they needed by acting out, throwing tantrums, . They lack adult maturity. These are all interelated to there disorder. They are not easy people to get along with. This is another reason they don't have many friends.

[hopealways]

Mine had no idea that she was abusive until I told her that she was. And even then it took a while. She thought it was okay for a girl to hit a guy. I had to teach her that it is not.

[StillRecovering]

The abuse is part of their disorder. It happens when they are disregulated. You really shouldn't take it personally. I know it's very hard. I was called cruel things and he actually spit on me. They are full of anger. Mostly at themselves for not having a sense of self . They project and lash out one because of their pain and fears that get triggered at the slightest thing. And two is because fighting is their comfort zone. Anger is easier to feel and process than depression. It's an active emotion. And this is how they survived and got what they needed by acting out, throwing tantrums, . They lack adult maturity. These are all interelated to there disorder. They are not easy people to get along with. This is another reason they don't have many friends.

This makes a lot of sense.  A lack of maturity makes complicated emotions difficult, and like you said anger is an easier emotion.  A normal response for a woman feeling that her boyfriend was showing signs of interest toward another female would be to speak to him about it and let him know her concerns and how it makes her feel.  This is a worry that most people likely have at some point in relationships.  The undeveloped BPD response is to throw an all-out tantrum at the smallest worry, possibly unfounded.

My BPDexgf knew all of my deepest vulnerabilities because I confided them in her during our good times.  When she became disregulated, these would be the first things she would attack, hurting me in the worst ways.  A psychiatrist I saw said, "Stay away from borderlines.  You'll start exhibiting borderline behavior yourself."  And this came to be true.  When she would shoot her daggers into me with her abuse I started coming right back at her, and saying just as hurtful things.  This is not the person I wanted to be.  Love should bring out the best in you, not the worst.

[hopealways]

From experience and reading these boards, it seems that most BPD relationships are abusive.  That's probably part of the reason we end up here - to cope with and understand the abuse.

I really don't think pwBPD realize that they are abusive to their partners.  With my BPDexgf, it was after we made up from our first major argument that I said to her, "You know, some of the things you said back there were really abusive."  And she blew up all over again.  I never knew what abuse really was until I got into this relationship.  It appeared to me that she was systematically destroying my self-esteem, as if she had a plan.  My life was so gaslit that I questioned every word I said and actions I carried out to her.  She destroyed me. 

Her anger and rage controlled me to an extent that it affected every aspect of my life: my job, my health, my self-esteem, my sleep.  Did she plan this? Had she done this to others? Did she know what she was doing? How could my sweet, loving girlfriend turn into such a monster at the drop of a hat? I know that it is because she is sick and has a severe disorder, but I am still having trouble processing the entire relationship.

I hear you.  Mine did the same to me. After it was all over it's as though it never happened, that I woke up from a dream with complete devastation.  How did I allow 1 person to slowly pick away at me like this?

[StillRecovering]

I hear you.  Mine did the same to me. After it was all over it's as though it never happened, that I woke up from a dream with complete devastation.  How did I allow 1 person to slowly pick away at me like this?

I agree.  The whole thing feels like a blur to me.  I can remember parts - both the very good and very bad - but the BPD relationship is stuck in my head as a very odd period of my life.

My self-esteem has always been shaky.  The first time I described my BPDexgf to my therapist she responded, "This is a very insecure individual."  I thought she had it all together, but my shrink saw right through it when I described her.  Unfortunately, my shrink also knew I had to go through the BPD experience to understand it - I wouldn't have walked away if she told me to (she may have indirectly, but never directly). 

[Itstopsnow]

Still recovery I feel the same way! I thought it was just me! It's very hard to think about the entire relationship! Good times and bad are blurry at best! I have some string memories but a lot seem very faded and hard to recapture! Like it is a childhood memory I'm trying to hold onto. Like the relationship was from 30 years ago. It shouldn't feel that far removed yet. But for some reason it does. I guess it just gets so fuzzy because our minds were likely in survival mode most of the time! Adrenaline pumping. And maybe the fuzzy blurry memories are due to our mind blending the abuse with the childhood abuse or neglect that we experienced that made the love seem familiar. Just my thoughts

[hopealways]

Still recovery I feel the same way! I thought it was just me! It's very hard to think about the entire relationship! Good times and bad are blurry at best! I have some string memories but a lot seem very faded and hard to recapture! Like it is a childhood memory I'm trying to hold onto. Like the relationship was from 30 years ago. It shouldn't feel that far removed yet. But for some reason it does. I guess it just gets so fuzzy because our minds were likely in survival mode most of the time! Adrenaline pumping. And maybe the fuzzy blurry memories are due to our mind blending the abuse with the childhood abuse or neglect that we experienced that made the love seem familiar. Just my thoughts

Isn't it interesting that if you really think back, your childhood memories are fuzzy too.