Lies, lies and more lies...

[Lifewriter16]

I've been reading more novels recently, part of the new regime to keep myself occupied so I'm less likely to succumb to temptation and go back to my BPDxbf. The latest one is called The Time of My Life by Cecelia Ahern. The protagonist is in a rut. Her life has become one big lie and she's obviously unhappy, so her family sign her up for an appointment with her life (personified).

As I've been reading, I've been feeling more and more discomforted. As the author unpacks the motivations behind the lies the character tells, I have started to realise that even though I don't tell any big lies, my life is in as much of a mess as hers is and it is littered with tiny lies designed to cover-up the mess.

I'm not sure if I can really say much more right now because I feel so upset about this. I thought I was an honest person who didn't lie and now I realise that's not the case, I'm feeling quite ashamed. I think I fell for my own subtle lies and now I'm beginning to see what could actually be going on, I feel pretty rotten really.

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Hi Lifewriter,

I believe that when revealing our true feelings/experience leads repeatedly to being hurt or invalidated, we learn to cover up parts of ourselves.  And so, I hear you when you say you are feeling discomfort and shame, but I also can imagine that these "tiny lies" were a survival strategy for you at some point, a difficult choice made in the face of chronic emotional neglect/abuse (I recall some of what you wrote about your FOO).   

In my view, what you are doing in acknowledging this is courageous, not shameful.  If it would benefit you to say more about it, I hope you will feel comfortable to do so, and let us know if there is anything we can do to help in that regard.

*hug*

eeks

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks,

Thanks for your reply. I do want to go into this further though it all feels rather raw at the moment. I did the Childhood Emotional Neglect test and scored as Severe which certainly alerts me to the fact that I need to take my experiences seriously rather than minimising or ignoring them as I have always done.

I have been journaling using If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth to get me thinking and also reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. I'm trying to get through to the feelings I've repressed all these years. I'm beginning to access some sadness.

I have had some good news about the possibility of getting autism specialist counselling on the NHS after months of waiting for legal processes to grind. I will be able to see my chosen counsellor soon, it's just a matter of waiting for the funding request to come through which could be 4 to 6 weeks, I think.

Love Lifewriter x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lifewriter, I'm with eeks: I admire the work you're doing.  If I could make a suggestion, it would be to be more kind to, and less judgmental of, yourself.  Sure, most of us have engaged in "little lies" or otherwise denied parts of ourselves in order to cope with painful, broken situations.  Give yourself a break.  There's a lot of muck and murkiness in all of our lives, I suspect, yet that's where the lotus blooms -- in the muck.

LuckyJim

[eeks]

Thanks for your reply. I do want to go into this further though it all feels rather raw at the moment. I did the Childhood Emotional Neglect test and scored as Severe which certainly alerts me to the fact that I need to take my experiences seriously rather than minimising or ignoring them as I have always done.

It can be challenging to become aware of and inhabit your own observation and interpretation of the facts of your childhood, when your parents and likely other family members as well went on acting as though things were "normal".  I scored moderate on that CEN test.  In my family, especially from my mother, there was always a perfectly rational sounding reason why she was doing things the way she was, or demanding that I do something.  I imagine this is not uncommon for emotionally neglectful families, the more extreme form of it being gaslighting.

I have had some good news about the possibility of getting autism specialist counselling on the NHS after months of waiting for legal processes to grind. I will be able to see my chosen counsellor soon, it's just a matter of waiting for the funding request to come through which could be 4 to 6 weeks, I think.

I'm glad to hear it.  Administrative issues like that can be a real pain.  I hope that you will have the experience of a therapist who will help you, as you say, "take your experiences seriously" by taking them seriously him or herself.  You deserve that