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Author Topic: Recovering from BPD ex...and I'm not so great myself.  (Read 503 times)
fabayla

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« on: January 05, 2016, 03:44:41 PM »

I recently ended a relationship of 6 years with someone that I now realize had many BPD characteristics and some NPD characteristics thrown in for good measure. In trying to make sense of what happened over the last couple of years (the first few years were pretty good) I first started reading articles on NPD because I recognized some of that dysfunction happening in my relationship from having a diagnosed NPD parent. Then I came across BPD and realized that it fit my ex shockingly well overall. I was unfamiliar with BPD before, but the sobering part was that as I kept reading, I realized that when I was younger *I* had a whole slew of BPD characteristics. Though I never had a name for it at the time, I knew that I had some major issues from childhood, and worked hard to overcome many of them through my 20's and 30's. Through most of my 30's I think that I was actually fairly emotionally healthy, not perfect, but not terribly damaged or damaging.

What I'm trying to come to terms with now is that I recognize that a lot of my old personal BPD behavior came right back to the surface in unhealthy interactions with my ex. Though it had been nearly two decades since I'd had the urge to rage or self-harm, those impulses came crashing back when my buttons were pushed the right (wrong) way. So apparently BPD is like riding a bicycle, even though I stopped doing it for a long time, I didn't forget how to do it as soon as someone put a bicycle in front of me.

I'm left generally feeling exhausted and saddened, both by my own behavior and that of my ex. I've been NC for nearly 5 months now because I was breaking down physically and emotionally from the crazy-making circular arguments, projections, accusations, and inappropriate boundary violations that never paused near the end. I couldn't make sense of it all at the time, but I knew that it was horribly unhealthy and that neither I nor my ex could survive being in that situation, both of us were struggling with health problems as a result and it couldn't go on. I've always been able to solve many of my issues by being alone to think things through, so that's what I set out to do, even though it was horribly painful for both me and the ex.

The ex has continued to contact me. I haven't responded to any of it and haven't read much of it because I just didn't want to go there after things got negative and nasty. What I have read alternates between things that I desperately wanted to hear much earlier and passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) jabs. I also know that at least early on after our split, a fairly nasty smear campaign against me occurred. I ignored that as best I could and said the minimum to those that inquired, roughly that there were "a lot of good reasons for what happened, ongoing for a long time."

At this remove I often feel like I would like to apologize in a healthy way for my part in the dysfunction and offer more appropriate closure, but I also wonder if it would be a mistake to break NC. The communications that I've read lead me to believe that issues on the other side haven't really been worked through or understood. I take responsibility for my 50% of the relationship, but I suspect that I'm still being blamed for far more than that, and I feel like I'm only just beginning to heal.

In the beginning, I think that the ex and I weren't nearly as unhealthy as we ended up -- I think that we were both just half-damaged people that saw someone who understood how that felt. We actually managed to be very supportive of each other and reasonable for quite a long time before it all started falling apart. I suspect that other major stresses in our lives pushed things to the dark side, and unfortunately now there's a lot of water under a lot of burned bridges.

Ultimately I guess I wonder if there's an appropriate reason to break NC, such as to offer closure or see if the unhealthy patterns have been broken, or if that's just a horrible idea in general for a long time to come. I have quite a lot more life experience than my ex, and I may be expecting too much in the sense that I've already worked through a lot of this once, and it was a very slow process the first time. I'm also wondering how best to continue healing myself from the new wounds inflicted by the later stages of this relationship. Like everything, I feel like I had more energy for it a couple of decades ago and I'm still profoundly saddened that I regressed back to something that I thought was in my past. I'd like to have a healthy relationship someday, and right now I'm roughly terrified of my choices and behavior. Being alone is okay right now, but I'd like to get to the point where I trust myself do something better in the future.
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Newton
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2016, 06:50:12 PM »

fabayla  welcome to bpdfamily.com  

Your first post sounds to me very introspective, measured... .and empathetic towards your ex.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Imo your closure is going to come from re reading this post now... .and in the future and truly appreciating how far you have come.  :)o you really need validation from your ex to give you what you can obviously provide for yourself?... .will they truly appreciate what you are saying?... .or will it be yet another trigger for them?... .

You know your ex better than anyone here... .how does your gut tell you they would react to you reaching out to them now?... .Has their behaviour shown significant signs of changing... .consistently over time?... .

I'm really glad you decided to post here today... .Smiling (click to insert in post) ... .you'll find a really great bunch of diverse people with a similar experience to you... .

Kind regards... .Newton.

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fabayla

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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2016, 03:03:02 PM »

Thanks for the reply, Newton, I appreciate it. The closure that I was speaking of was more for my ex than for myself. I'm deeply sad and wish that things could have been different, but it was what it was and both of us did what we did. Now that I have some distance from the emotional exhaustion and fog, I feel like perhaps I should offer closure to my ex since that's something that was frequently demanded before I went NC. I don't want to cause any more pain than necessary, and I feel bad about the pain that I did cause because I failed to maintain my own appropriate boundaries. This whole thing has been ungodly hard for me because I never wanted to break up, it just seemed like the only option that would allow both of us to keep living. Sometimes hard choices are necessary, and I'm okay with making them once I've exhausted all of the other possibilities, but that doesn't make them suck any less. I love my ex enough not to want to cause more pain than I already have. Or maybe contact would be more pain, I'm not sure.

I have doubts that my ex has really worked through too many issues, as I still periodically get messages that are blaming and/or passive aggressive, interspersed with some that actually sound reflective and reasonable (those are the hardest ones to ignore). But since I've been NC for months, it's still obvious that my requests for time and space are continually not being met since the messages keep coming. So there's still a lack of respect for my boundaries. I chose to keep all of my communications in the end restricted to comments on myself, i.e., "It's time for me to take time and space to work out my own issues." etc. because I just didn't feel like I could handle even one more ugly argument, and didn't want to give any opening to start one.

Maybe I'm answering my own question here -- it's probably not time to break no contact yet, even if I do feel bad about my role in the relationship. I was 50% of it, but I was also only 50% of it and the other 50% counts too.
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Newton
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« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2016, 04:05:54 PM »

Hey fabayla Smiling (click to insert in post) nice to hear from you again... Yet again your post sounds balanced, and caring... .to both of you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I agree, I think you are answering your own questions... in a way that is looking out for both of you... .seeking validation from other sources we trust is also a sensible approach to making sensible decisions. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That is why I found this place so helpful!... .

Break ups are hard... full stop.  Sometimes that is the only option to prevent mutual destruction... . What is it about this particular one that motivates you to perhaps explain yourself further to your ex?... .

It's possible your ex will see you reaching out as you wanting to initiate prolonged contact rather than closure... .I guess you've considered this?... .

I don't mean to appear confrontational with this question... .perhaps the words will sound that way   What do you hope to acheive by reaching out?... .a hope they feel better?... .you feel better?... .both perhaps?... . 

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fabayla

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« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2016, 04:51:24 PM »

Hi Newton, thanks again for the response. I don't find the questions confrontational at all, they're very worth thinking about and I appreciate the outside insight.

I think that what's motivating my consideration of contact in this case is that I want to feel like I've been fair to my ex. We spent more time together in the last 4 years of our relationship than most people do in many more years (lived and worked together) and I find it unspeakably sad to just drop all of that and walk off without a word. Like I wonder if I've been a selfish ass for doing that, even though I saw no other option after two years of desperately trying to sort it out and being met with resistance at every turn, while things deteriorated further and further.

But I very much agree that any contact might well be a trigger, and considered to be a re-opening of the door, and I'm frankly not healed enough to not be very hurt by any more emotional abuse. I also realize that I'm still hurt and angry enough on some levels that I don't trust myself not to respond in kind if that sort of thing started. I'm optimistic enough to hope that perhaps someday there could be contact again, because we were very close and there were some lovely times -- it was never all bad. But I equally believe that may never happen, or that it could be years. I think that this conversation is helping me realize that now is probably not the right time.
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NCEA
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« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2016, 05:07:18 PM »

Nice posts. Five months in a long time for her to keep contacting you like that.

Living AND working together. There's your problem right there. Lack of space and independence resulting in a pressure cooker.  

I have an idea for you. You could write her a letter. I mean an actual one on paper. Electronic communication like an email is so immediate, one click of a button and she's already writing back to you. You can't click reply on a physical letter. So you'd be providing your pov and offering closure but in a way not breaking the NC because it's an act that doesn't encourage re establishing communication. Just an idea.


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Newton
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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2016, 05:31:52 PM »

NCEA I'm taking the opposite view to yours... .imo a hand written letter is a rare thing these days... .it suggests particular effort has been offered with the time and consideration it takes to source the materials, write... .and post or hand deliver... .and may well trigger an undesired affect.
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NCEA
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« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2016, 05:34:38 PM »

Ok. What about typing it, printing it , and mailing it?

Or mailing it via a virtual PDF to actual mail online service?

Fax?

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

NCEA I'm taking the opposite view to yours... .imo a hand written letter is a rare thing these days... .it suggests particular effort has been offered with the time and consideration it takes to source the materials, write... .and post or hand deliver... .and may well trigger an undesired affect.

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fabayla

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« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2016, 10:55:51 PM »

It's funny that you should mention a paper letter, I was thinking about that too. I've blocked or diverted almost all electronic communication, and I'd rather not make it look like I'm reopening those channels right now. I work in front of a computer a lot, and I get a lot more done if I'm not worried about being blindsided by... .whatever.

A paper letter seems a bit more detached, which is desirable from my perspective too -- I wouldn't know when it was received or when it was read and generally it would be easier for me to just put it in the mail and let it go, not obsess over whether there was a response immediately... .or at all. At this point slowing everything way down seems like a great idea.

Being together 24/7 for four years was absolutely a mistake -- the pressure cooker of that existence definitely brought out bad things on both sides eventually. On the other hand, before this I couldn't have imagined making it nearly that far doing that with any human since I'm a bit of a loner by nature. I've frequently been driven nuts just being with people a fraction of that amount, so there was some obvious compatibility, too, which makes the whole end point more sad.
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NCEA
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« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2016, 03:01:42 AM »

Look, if she's totally disordered and bad and damaged, forget it.

But, and I know many will object me saying this,if she was this amazing girl at first and things just went south and you see a chance of it working again in the future if she wasn't X Y and Z, then take a year off, go to therapy, write in your letter that she should go to therapy herself, and if she does go to herapy then a year from now you could meet for coffee and see how things go. A year from now you could be both transformed to the better and start over again from a healthy clean place, after working on your issues separately, and you could plan a much better life situation.

Just a thought. But meanwhile, you should both live as if it's totally over anyway.

I'm not sure what others here feel about this.

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fabayla

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« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2016, 01:38:10 PM »

Thanks, NCEA, that's really validating to hear. That's exactly where I was when I broke things off, and that's pretty much verbatim what I said. "Let's take a year off, and no promises on either side, but I will be going to counseling and you should too, etc." I finally went NC when it felt like there was just no more to say, things were just being rehashed and all the old anger and resentment wasn't going away. I also didn't feel like my boundaries were being respected because I had repeatedly said that I needed some time and space, but my ex continued to contact me very regularly anyway, and made it very clear that a year was not desirable, too long, should be negotiable, etc. If I'd ever been left alone for even a couple of months, I probably would have softened on the time scale, but I think two weeks was the longest it's ever been without contact.

The recent contacts have felt quite manipulative to me -- hints, but no details, of accidents, illnesses, life problems, and amazingly wonderful things happening. Since I do still care, these things are very hard to ignore, and they often achieve what I assume is the desired effect of making me feel sorry, worried, or jealous of whatever was next being so much better than I could have been. But I keep feeling like a healthy person would just tell me what's going on if they want to reconnect with me, not be trying to goad me into contact with hints. This just feels like they want to get some kind of reaction out of me, for good or bad, and I'm afraid that the main goal is really to hurt me just as much as they feel hurt by me. Which is probably still possible to do, because the longer this goes on the more I realize that I'm not over it at all. I was in a horrible place and had to do what I did to save myself, but it's hardly what I wanted because we were great together for a few years, but there seemed to be no way to get back to that without a major shakeup.
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NCEA
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« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2016, 08:19:52 PM »

Wow. This: "The recent contacts have felt quite manipulative to me -- hints, but no details, of accidents, illnesses, life problems, and amazingly wonderful things happening."

Reminded me the ending of my 9 year relationship with my ex histrionic. She would write me emails about happiness and being free, then how much she's missing me, then that I'm shxt and then again loves me and then walking in the streets and all the men are hitting on her... .Cycles of good and bad, hospitalization and crying .

I was such a mess. All I wanted was no contact and to forget she ever existed.

I've been hurt from that relationship for 5 years now, and only now for the first time has asked myself what kind of pain would push a person to such madness. And for the first time felt sorry for her. Poor thing... .She was so damaged. Too bad she tried taking me down with her.

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fabayla

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« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2016, 12:53:26 PM »

Yes, NCEA, all of that. I feel like I don't know when I'll be "over" this relationship. The messages I continue getting from my ex yank me all over the map. Some seem reasonable and apologetic (those are the worst) and others are back to blaming me or outside circumstances for absolutely everything and ignoring the fact that there were enormous problems on her side. I alternate between feeling sad/sorry and missing her, and still being angry about how outright mean she was to me and how little responsibility she ever took for anything. I've thought of breaking NC a zillion times, but so far she keeps basically shooting herself in the foot by saying something rude/blaming every time I start thinking she might be sorting some things out or have some remorse for the abuse.

I did not behave well toward the end of the relationship, I did a lot of lashing back of my own when I got tired of being accused of cheating (I wasn't) and called names (nobody has ever called me a "piece of ****" repeatedly before). But of course I wasn't supposed to be offended by those things because that was "just how she expressed herself."

On one hand, it can be freeing when I feel frustrated by it but think, "Y'know, I don't actually have to deal with this crap any more." But then it sucks when I realize that I also don't get any of the closeness or intimacy that I used to feel either. But maybe it was never really there.
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NCEA
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« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2016, 05:26:26 PM »

In the last few weeks of the relationship my ex went to sleep on the sofa because... .

... .Wait for it... .

I refused to buy her grandmother's flat.

It's a long story but it's as bad as it sounds.

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Newton
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« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2016, 05:51:51 PM »

fabayla.... I know this person is important to you and you are finding it a struggle to let go... .remember, regardless of her communications or your assumed intent of the motives behind them... .no one can 'make' you feel anything.  

Is it particularly her you are missing? She comes with the baggage, for now they are inseperable... .it's who she is, her repeated behaviour shows you this... .

Closeness and intimacy are wonderful to experience... .with someone who can maintain this consistently.  If she wasn't capable of that without the attached drama... perhaps you are missing a dream of what could have been?... .
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fabayla

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« Reply #15 on: January 25, 2016, 05:56:53 PM »

I'm so sorry, NCEA, these things are crazy-making. Seriously, I've always thought of myself as a not-entirely-normal person... .but mostly in a good way. Like I'm a creative type with an adrenaline junkie streak, a little weird in the tech world that I work in. But I seriously haven't felt crazy, crazy, straight up crazy until my ex.

A reasonable person wouldn't expect you to buy their granny's flat, or get angry if you didn't. A normal person wouldn't keep contacting someone for 5 months with no responses. Seriously, if my ex could have let things go for -a whole month- I probably would have given in and talked. But no, the contacts have never let up long enough for me feel like even the smallest of boundaries was being respected.

I keep trying to remind myself that the relationship was never about any of my needs/wants, even though those things were faked so shockingly well in the beginning. But it's still hard to let go of. I was just cleaning last night and realized that my ex had taken some more valuable items of mine that I hadn't noticed missing before. And yet, somehow I still feel conflicted about it. This stuff is just hard.

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fabayla

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« Reply #16 on: January 25, 2016, 06:10:10 PM »

I think that you're exactly right, Newton, I'm missing what could have been because it seemed so fantastic at the beginning before all of the drama started. I had nice visions of the future. It all seemed so reasonable once, but then degenerated into several hours of drama nearly daily, sometimes more. That's just unsupportable in any kind of normal life. I lost patience and started acting nearly equally as badly myself, which is a giant disappointment to me.

I'm seeing a counselor and that along with time is helping me move past this at least to some extent. I hope that I'll be able to put it behind me enough to be open to an actual comfortable/intimate/fulfilling relationship that's healthy at some point. Right now I just feel roughly afraid of all relationship-ish things. Even though I'd like to feel less lonely, I don't feel like taking the risk yet... .at all, while I'm still missing my ex and tangled up about what happened.
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