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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: NC thread part 4  (Read 821 times)
Anez
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« on: January 27, 2016, 11:34:57 AM »

Keeping this thread alive:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289437.50

hope everyone is doing well today and being strong!
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Anez
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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2016, 11:59:30 AM »

Sorry, title of the thread should be NC pep talk thread.

Having issues with NC? Need help? Advice? Want to share? Hit us up here!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2016, 12:31:28 PM »

I forget exactly how long I've maintained no contact.  I made a slip up a couple of weeks ago or so, but not sure of the date or time.  I remember just wanting to speak to him about a movie.

It feels good that I've forgotten how long it's been.  I no longer feel the need to keep track of my progress.

I will always care for him in my heart, but I refuse to be treated this way ever again.  I've learned a hard lesson.  This happened for a reason.  This relationship has taught me how to care for myself and I've learned what self respect truly means.

I miss him less and less ... .I miss the idealized version of him I had. 

Listen.  Everyone here pushing through no contact ... .I know how much pain you are in right now.  I hurt so badly, for the first time in my life, I desperately wanted to commit suicide so my pain would go away.

That's so sad.  To think I had been pushed so far, that I started to devalue MYSELF and my OWN LIFE!

No contact will allow you to grieve, and to focus on yourself.  Get back in touch with yourself and your esteem.

If I can do it, anybody can do it.

I'm not 100% yet, but instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm already out of it.  I'm just kinda lingering on the edge of the tunnel, looking outside and enjoying the fresh air and the sunshine.  Taking my time before I look back, wave goodbye on this mess, and jump out into that sunshine and move on with my own life.

I will always care for him.  I hope he gets help and leads a happy life.  But I will no longer be there to save him time and time again.

He has to save himself.

I have to live my life.

You guys/gals can do it. 

Stay strong. 
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Grissum69
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« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2016, 12:40:07 PM »

right on!  I'm with you !   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I was almost brought back to the dark side but the force is strong with me after being NC for quite a while.   I'm back to NC and it's awesome

As you said, they have to save themselves

I have to live my life.
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Anez
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« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2016, 12:44:50 PM »

That's great, Rmbrworst. You've made so much progress and it's inspiring.

I had a tough night last night. Went down to visit my ex-wife at the place where we used to live together. She's moving out this week and going on a two-month trip to Thailand. I picked up our dogs as I'll be watching them while she's gone, which is awesome.

But we went out for dinner and i had this feeling sitting across from her that here is this great woman who has real emotions and has been a special person to me for 10 years and I threw it all away for some girl who has zero emotions and who destroyed my marriage, turned my life upside down, and then threw me away. I played a huge part in all of that, of course.

I sat there feeling angry and sad. Angry at my ex with BPD for pursuing me while i was married. Angry that I enjoyed her pursuing me and acted out on it. Angry that I when down that path and threw my marriage away. And sad for my ex-wife, who really deserves the best and gives the best to everyone she knows. She's a real, live, loving adult and I lost her during a time in my life where I just got a little messed up. And just sad for me that this is my life now.

The whole process last night was emotional. And it made me think of how stupid I am to let my ex with BPD take up such a huge part of my brain.

I think this anger will push me forward. it has to.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2016, 12:46:33 PM »

right on!  I'm with you !   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I was almost brought back to the dark side but the force is strong with me after being NC for quite a while.   I'm back to NC and it's awesome

As you said, they have to save themselves

I have to live my life.

It is awesome!

glad to hear you're staying positive and pushing forward.

Let's focus on having a healthy relationship with ourselves first shall we?

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2016, 01:45:57 PM »

My BPD exgf is at it again. Been lc/nc since she ended it 7 weeks ago. Of course today it's she cant beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I had to have an mri/cat scan today which i made no mention of. Come out of mri and theres 5 " u ok" texts on my phone. I finally answer back i'm fine. She proceeds text me " if your busy i won't bother you'. Like you really had something significant to tell me. Are u going to tell me that you are sorry for the way you treated me for 6 years with your rages, lies, insecurity and jeoulosy? Of course not and you are not texting to tell me your in therapy.

Why does she feel need to every single day send me the most insignificant texts. We have nothing to talk about. I could care less she has a cold or inquiring if i'm ok. I'm a grown man i don't need her worrying now after 6 years how i am.
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Anez
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2016, 02:04:01 PM »

My BPD exgf is at it again. Been lc/nc since she ended it 7 weeks ago. Of course today it's she cant beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I had to have an mri/cat scan today which i made no mention of. Come out of mri and theres 5 " u ok" texts on my phone. I finally answer back i'm fine. She proceeds text me " if your busy i won't bother you'. Like you really had something significant to tell me. Are u going to tell me that you are sorry for the way you treated me for 6 years with your rages, lies, insecurity and jeoulosy? Of course not and you are not texting to tell me your in therapy.

Why does she feel need to every single day send me the most insignificant texts. We have nothing to talk about. I could care less she has a cold or inquiring if i'm ok. I'm a grown man i don't need her worrying now after 6 years how i am.

These people with BPD have the mentality of a 3 year old. Trying to figure why they do certain things like send the texts you are getting is impossible!

Sorry you have to hear from her every day. Just stay strong and keep healing.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2016, 02:18:26 PM »

Hi gang,

I'm still counting-- each day a struggle, but hopefully getting somewhat better. Day 6 NC, Day 13 release with grace. Also day 13 no social media-- which is the hardest thing! I think because it is so easy to do.

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all   

Anez, I'd love to hear your whole story-- did you tell it somewhere? If so could you link to it?

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2016, 02:24:22 PM »

Anez.

Do you want to get back with your ex wife and make amends?  Is there still something there that can be worked on?  


I want to respond more but busy at work right now
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Anez
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« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2016, 02:54:45 PM »

Anez.

Do you want to get back with your ex wife and make amends?  Is there still something there that can be worked on?  


I want to respond more but busy at work right now

When we were separated last year she'd say stuff like ... ."you never know what can happen in life. I have friends who got back with their ex-husbands and maybe that happens with us."

I'm lucky that we are still close. last night we hugged goodbye and told each other that we love each other. She's a special person in my life and always will be with the many great memories that we had.

I think deep down I'd like to get back with her but I dunno if she will ever allow it to happen. Will have to see how things go down the line when she gets back from her trip.

just driving back to my old place last night gave me chills and tears, remember the good life I had before it got derailed by my actions with my BPD ex.


KC ... .my story in short:

Worked with a girl 12 years younger than me. She pursued me aggressively and i gave in and let something happen that shouldn't have. My wife found out and kicked me out of the house. my BPD ex and i spent the next few months doing things, then i had a change in heart and spent the next four months trying to fix my marriage ... .but while still chatting with my BPD ex, but not doing anything sexual. I really didn't give it my all in trying to save my marriage. In march my ex-wife told me it was over. she was afraid i'd do what i did again. And I can't blame her, tho now with the work I've done on myself I don't think i'd make those mistakes.

In april my BPD ex and i picked things back up and were pretty steady til labor day weekend, the last time she came over. She has a 3-year-old daughter so i'd get to see my ex every other weekend and we'd be together all weekend. We texted all day/night every day. We took trips, beach days, etc. we were really darn close. then she went distant for two weeks. then we talked on the phone and she said she had to work on herself so future relationships meant more to her. and then she was gone. Never saw any rage from her, she just fled.

well, not gone. i see her every day at work. which is just a hoot.
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Anez
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2016, 02:59:51 PM »

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all    

Yea sometimes I think I come to this site way too often. It's mostly while at work as it gives me an escape when i see or hear her and want to vent or just ready other people's stories to help me. Tho sometimes I wonder if coming here so often hurts me in my recovery as I just keep replaying things while reading other people's stories.

but the site has definitely helped me a lot and given me a place to go when i need help. I'm looking forward to the day when she isn't in my head so much and when I don't need to lean on this site so much because that will mean i'm a lot better than I am now.

but the people on this site are just great people.
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2016, 05:47:11 PM »

I'm really reaching my breaking point. Bpd exgf has been texting since breakup 7 weeks ago. Ive been lc/nc since. Today she texted that she didnt wanna bother me and have a good day. Tonight out of the blue she texts me that she's working overtime saturday night because she has no plans! I'm really beleiving that the big push to get back is gonna start soon. I feel that she realizes she pushed a man who loved her unconditionally out of her life and now is having second thoughts. Why else would she tell me this? I ask her nothing of her personal life ever.
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JSF13
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« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2016, 06:26:21 PM »

KC I stay pretty glued to this site. It's an always open tab.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2016, 07:59:45 PM »

@Anez

It's interesting isn't it.  You made some really terrible mistakes, but your ex wife of 10 years is still willing to let you take care of the dogs, and she's still willing to have a respectful and cordial (maybe even enjoyable) dinner with you, after all that's happened.   She sounds like a healthy individual to be able to face you and be nice to you after the hurt I'm sure she's been through.

Also interesting for me . . . I cheated on my ex boyfriend (not the BPD one),  although it was only sexually.  Not emotionally.  I told him about the sexual affair and he was sad, and upset.  Oddly enough, I was more upset than him.  I hated myself for what I had done, and I told him how sorry I was for what I had done.  I never had to tell him . . . I told him because I couldn't live with myself.  I couldn't do something like that, and lie to him.

Even though our relationship didnt work out after that . . . we became best friends.  We still hang out and see each other.  We have a great time.  He talks about his new boyfriends and dates and I talk about my "crazy exBPD" to him quite a lot these days.  He's not jealous . . . he listens . . . he offers his insight.  I do the same for him when he talks about his new boyfriend . . . I take interest.  I care.  I do it, because I love him.  It's never gone away . . . it changed and it evolved.

When we broke up . . . we discussed it . . . and after we broke up . . . we discussed it more, and we helped each other through what was a difficult decision.

Odd to me that we both have relationships where we did wrong to our partners . . . and our relationships are actually healthier with them . . . than it is the exBPD we gave our lives to with every fiber of our body and soul.

Lessons have been learned, although they've been hard.

It sounds like your ex wife is someone you should keep in your life (romantically or not).

It sounds like my ex boyfriend is someone I should keep in my life (and will, he's my BEST friend).

It sounds like . . . we need to kick these exBPD partners to the curb, after they lied to us, cheated on us, discarded us, emotionally abused us, devalued us, and the worst for me . . . begged for me and cried for me, stating he was dedicating his LIFE to me . . . to push me away only 12 hours later.

It sounds like to me, we've learned a painful lesson . . . and that is how to recognize healthy love from love that's a one way street.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this, but I'm now thinking in a more positive light, and I feel in the future, we will have healthier stronger relationships no matter who they are with.

Sorry you had a rough night . . . I know how those nights are.  I'm sure we have a few more on our way . ... just less and less of them.

Much love.
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Anez
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« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2016, 01:17:09 AM »

Thanks for that post, RMBrworst. I appreciated it.

My ex-wife is a great woman and I got lost for a month and it cost me dearly. I'm glad she and I are still friendly and we'll see what happens when she gets back. If nothing else, I'm glad we're still friends.

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Anez
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« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2016, 02:16:27 AM »

I've had a lot of anger for my BPD ex today. Like I want to just yell at her about everything that she/we have done to my life and how she just shut me off then just ignores me all these months after. I want to call her out on everything and just really vent and let her know how much of a piece of you know what I think she is. I want to walk up to her at work and calmly tell her how much I'm angry at her and how much I know how fake she is. I see myself calmly talking her down and explaining how lowly I think of her. I won't to expose her to our friends at work, they all think she's great and the fun girl at work. But she's not.  I want to just make her know what I've gone through in the past four months.

But I won't. Because I'm an adult. I'll let my brain take its time to rewire itself. And I'll sound off here. And I'll vent with my therapist on Thursday.

Because that's how adults do things.
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itgirl
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« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2016, 05:47:16 AM »

Hi gang,

I'm still counting-- each day a struggle, but hopefully getting somewhat better. Day 6 NC, Day 13 release with grace. Also day 13 no social media-- which is the hardest thing! I think because it is so easy to do.

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all   

Anez, I'd love to hear your whole story-- did you tell it somewhere? If so could you link to it?

Hi,

Yes it does die down by a lot.  Last couple of years I have been on this site and it helps a lot in the initial stages.  I am detached now and only visit once a week.

Instead of coming here 24/7 I have started a business on the side.  I am living a very full life.  I was so isolated and now my life is FULL.  I feel like a kid again.  It is very important to visit this site till one day you find yourself not logging in so much.  It will come naturally. 

Then there are people who stay here.  That's because they give great advice and are needed in this family.  God Bless!

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2016, 08:14:25 AM »

Hi gang,

Another day NC and no social media yesterday! I was stuck on a plane for four hours so unfortunately I did read our text exchanges since the breakup. Dang. It was less hooking than those other things (social media and/or contacting) since it was all in the past. Have you guys done things like this as well? Look at old pictures/texts? Today is day 7 nc, day 14 release with grace, 3.5 months post-break up. I have a date tonight! Fingers crossed it goes well Smiling (click to insert in post).

Anez, it sounds like not only is your ex-wife super cool, but also that you must have been gracious or something else good during the breakup for you all to have such a good relationship now. And I love that you will come here and vent your anger rather than to her-- much better for brain rewiring Smiling (click to insert in post). How did you first start to know that she had BPD if she didn't rage at you? Was it the discard that clued you in?

Rmbrworst, it sounds like you are doing so well! totally inspiring.

And thanks Itgirl for your wisdom about the board-- thank goodness for it, and for all of you <3.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2016, 09:23:23 AM »

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2016, 09:45:29 AM »

Re: Anger.

I've been feeling more anger too. Hard to know what to do with it. I guess just let it wash over me.
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« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2016, 10:40:00 AM »

Re: Anger.

I've been feeling more anger too. Hard to know what to do with it. I guess just let it wash over me.

Ditto ... .much anger this month.
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Anez
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« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2016, 10:42:11 AM »

Because I work with her I get to see her talking it up with other people and having a good time. Every day. that builds the anger. and the past few days the anger level has been high. 

Got a session with my T later today so that should help.
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« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2016, 10:44:41 AM »

Got a session with my T later today so that should help.

I come to this site to manage my anger and other overwhelming emotions.  Oddly it helps.
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Anez
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« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2016, 10:46:00 AM »

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2016, 10:59:43 AM »

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.
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Anez
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« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2016, 11:03:51 AM »

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.

I'm sorry, astro. that just sucks. I know those feelings and they are painful.

My T always says it's ok to just sit with those feelings and just let them run through you and then out of you. It's just all a part of the process that will eventually lead to better days.

Working with our ex's is the worst. never get involved with people from work, folks!
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« Reply #27 on: January 28, 2016, 11:22:09 AM »

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.

I'm sorry, astro. that just sucks. I know those feelings and they are painful.

My T always says it's ok to just sit with those feelings and just let them run through you and then out of you. It's just all a part of the process that will eventually lead to better days.

Working with our ex's is the worst. never get involved with people from work, folks!

Yep, it sucks.  I'm just ready to move on.  Never dip in the company ink.  Certainly don't dip in that inkwell when you know the well is broken prior to. 

I hope everyone understands that I don't think pwBPD should be avoided like the plague.  They are people too.  Therein lies the problem.  We, as normal functioning adults, want to help our fellow humans.  Sometimes, that's detrimental to us.  That's where I am right now.  I gave it my best and I tried.  That's all I could've done.
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« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2016, 11:44:17 AM »

Never dip in the company ink. 

I would extend that to neighbors and non-romantic housemates as well (where it applies)
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« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2016, 12:05:08 PM »

20 days today! Miss her a lot, but I'm alright. I think I've been having stress dreams about her, but I can't remember them when I wake up.
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« Reply #30 on: January 28, 2016, 12:33:46 PM »

Good work, maple! keep it up.

I feel like i'd be doing better if i didn't see her every day at work but i don't have the urge to text her anymore and we just say cordial hellos at work. It makes the recovery harder but there's not much i can do about that.

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« Reply #31 on: January 28, 2016, 01:14:19 PM »

20 days today! Miss her a lot, but I'm alright. I think I've been having stress dreams about her, but I can't remember them when I wake up.

Congrats!

I had one myself last night.  Moving on is hard to do.


@Anez, I'm not ignoring the PM from yesterday. I get a kick back that your inbox is full
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« Reply #32 on: January 28, 2016, 11:17:41 PM »

Day 7 NC, Day 14 Release with grace/do not resuscitate done! Didn't check social media which today, like the others, is my big temptation. What is stopping me right now is the thought that whatever I might see would probably hurt me, so why do it?

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« Reply #33 on: January 29, 2016, 08:55:08 AM »

I'm really trying to make sense of my pwbd ex's motives. Now starting 8 weeks since breakup. Last night at 940 pm sends text she can't beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I'm starting to beleive it's a test to see if i'll answer or if i'm out with someone. This morning it's how her son made honor roll. I responded i know to the birthday and thats great to her son. Why after all this time does she feel need to keep sending me mundane texts every single day. It' usually one or two stupid texts and thats it for the day. Someone help me try to figure the motive out today s not a great day.
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« Reply #34 on: January 29, 2016, 09:23:11 AM »

Hmmm-- I'd say she's trying to keep the connection. It sounds like you are doing well with it, responding but keeping it "BIFF" (Brief, informative, friendly, final). That seems like a humane thing to do.
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« Reply #35 on: January 29, 2016, 09:34:15 AM »

Hey Lexisdad. I am thinking she is probably trying to keep you around. My understanding is that some people with BPD will leave and never look back or maybe reach back years later and others just can't let go even if it was them who broke up. This is the case with my ex. He broke up with me, then I found out he is married has kids and all and he still sends me messages tell me how much he loves and misses me or to explain why he kept his family life a secret or to manipulate me to keep contact in one way or another. He doesn't even respect that he hurt me and that he has to leave me alone to recover from everything. So egocentric!  They just come and go according to how they are feeling or what they are needing and don't give a damn if the other person is struggling to get over them because THEY haven't left them with any other option... .it's just crazy
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« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2016, 09:58:14 AM »

Yes she broke up with me as i've said day before ivf procedure and engagement. It's nothing to do with our relationship in the texts. Yes she treated me like s--t no doubt and i consider myself one of the " good guys" and not being conceited. I tried to love her the best i knew how and unconditionally. In the end i got a broken heart and a whole lotta hurt. I dont bother her but it's just the fact she has to reach out everyday that pertubes me. You ended the relationship so let it be. You told me you hated me but now you like me? I dont have the head or heart for the games.
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« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2016, 10:02:04 AM »

You ended the relationship so let it be. You told me you hated me but now you like me? I dont have the head or heart for the games.

Exactly. They just don't get it though... .and this is why it's on us to end it for good
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« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2016, 10:15:32 AM »

Hi all,

I'm contemplating calling my BPDex today to let her know that I won't be in town this weekend (I told her I would be coming back, but it turns I won't be able to return until next week).

On the pro side:

Keep it normal

Fake it till you make it

On the con side:

Am I doing it because of the FOG? (obligation/guilt)

Will it keep me in the FOG? (obligation/guilt)

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« Reply #39 on: January 29, 2016, 12:10:24 PM »

Hi all,

I'm contemplating calling my BPDex today to let her know that I won't be in town this weekend (I told her I would be coming back, but it turns I won't be able to return until next week).

Is that need-to-know info for her?
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« Reply #40 on: January 29, 2016, 02:34:06 PM »

No, totally not. I ended up leaving her a message about it-- she called back but didn't leave a message back.

I shouldn't have done it-- I definitely feel worse. Okay, lesson learned    :'(

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« Reply #41 on: January 29, 2016, 03:18:32 PM »

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?
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« Reply #42 on: January 29, 2016, 03:31:38 PM »

Hey kc. It looks like you are having a difficult day... .You should not check because you have to cincentrate on your own life and not on your ex's fb life.  You are trying to detach from a person and a relationship that was bad for you. Deep down you know this is not what you trully want for your self. Right? Please try to remember the bad days... .You are missing the person who you thought she was... .or you hoped she was. But is she that person? You know better
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« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2016, 03:51:00 PM »

I've been no contact with my ex BPD since January 2015. I've definitely thought about asking her how she's doing. When she messaged me last year for the last time it was to tell me she destroyed the nerves in one of her wrists from self harm. After I realized she had no interest in what was going on with me I told her I didn't want to be her friend and that she should never message me again when her and her boyfriend are having a rough time. So far she has respected my wishes and it seems now that she's gone forever. Good riddance.
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« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2016, 04:15:26 PM »

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Because it hurts.  There is no other reason you need.
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« Reply #45 on: January 29, 2016, 05:22:59 PM »

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Stein is right. It will only hurt you to look. Don't do something that will hurt yourself. Do something good for you. And don't beat yourself up for calling. Just dust yourself off and keep pushing forward.

You got this.
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« Reply #46 on: January 29, 2016, 11:07:07 PM »

Thanks everybody, so much. I didn't check social media thanks to you all.   .

We did eventually talk on the phone though-- it went okay, better (less awkward) than our other times. She mostly talked about work-- she's having difficulties with a coworker so she talked a lot about that. We avoided the topic of our personal lives for the most part, though she did kinda say something about having more to tell me about what was going on in her life. I didn't press it because what I don't know will hurt me less (same logic as the social media!) She did have a new way of talking which was odd (more cursing and something else different that I can't quite put my finger on... .odd). Perhaps she is in a mirroring stage?

Anyway, this day is over-- phew. How did you all do? Sending love.

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« Reply #47 on: January 30, 2016, 05:56:18 PM »

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Because it's a distortion anyhow, so anything you see there will become subject to endless speculation.
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« Reply #48 on: January 30, 2016, 06:01:32 PM »

It's been 4 months since the last quick polite exchange about a bit of housekeeping. And that quick exchange was the first contact in 5 months.

I still have urges to send him emails explaining how much perspective I've gained on what happened. Why do I think he needs to know that?

Because I really miss him. He was so much fun. He just did it for me like no one else.

Because I want to be heard. Because I wasn't heard when I was little.

Today I was really missing him.
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« Reply #49 on: January 30, 2016, 06:45:29 PM »

Sending love steelwork. This is so tough, the toughest. 9 months, huh? And 4 months NC? Does it feel any different though? Is the quality of your missing different, less intense than at the beginning?

I'm having a rough weekend too, with moments of feeling okay and then other moments of feeling pretty bad. I hope it eases up.

What kinds of things about your perspective would you like to share with him?
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« Reply #50 on: January 30, 2016, 06:54:42 PM »

I'm having a rough weekend as well. I've made the decision tonight that my daughters bday is tomorrow. I' m sure my ex will send her bday wishes thru a text. As of monday i'm blocking her from all contact. I thought i could do it but it's like waterboarding with the torture of her sending several texts everyday just to make sure i'm here. Ive decided that five and a half years of rages, accusations and being treated and talked to like s--t theres nothing i need to hear from her. Not once in 8 weeks did she admit any wrongdoing or apologize. I gave it my all and gave her the chance. The texts now are like strangers. We really have nothing to talk about and allowing her the chance to reach out to me is doing more harm than good. This is the reason nc is paramount if any of us expect to regain ourselves.
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« Reply #51 on: January 30, 2016, 07:26:14 PM »

Sending love steelwork. This is so tough, the toughest. 9 months, huh? And 4 months NC? Does it feel any different though? Is the quality of your missing different, less intense than at the beginning?

Oh yeah. Less intense. I was having a lot more full-body reactions in the beginning. It's much less intense. And also the countervailing fear of being in touch is greater. The thoughts of hearing from him are kind of automatically followed by thoughts of the pain that would come along with it. I'm not sure that's such a good thing. The trauma is still there.

I'm having a rough weekend too, with moments of feeling okay and then other moments of feeling pretty bad. I hope it eases up.

I'm sorry, kc. I see there's been some back-and-forth, so I can imagine that would stir things up. Sometimes I think it was a kindness of him to shut me out so decisively.

What kinds of things about your perspective would you like to share with him?

This is a huge question.

Here is something I wrote--not to send, but for me. It sort of answers the question, though.

---

The last time we spoke, almost a year ago, you said you could have written me a letter of apology twice as long as the one I wrote you. You didn’t say what would be in it, but that’s okay, because I would forgive you for whatever you might have written. I’m sorry we hurt each other so much. I meant what I said in my letter, and I want to reiterate it all now—unsullied by the desire for something in return—because you were right: it never would have worked. For all that I loved you, for all our torrid attraction and the way we mapped onto one another (as you put it), things could only have ended badly.

You said you couldn’t have stood me long. You said I needed to “live off the land.” You put our basic incompatibility in terms of the kind of person I am, which is fair and true enough. As for me, I probably would have rolled with it, and I would have been miserable, because I have what they call a codependent personality—and you, I strongly suspect, have borderline personality disorder.  [note: I would never actually bring this up with him.]

I can easily imagine you being enraged by what I just wrote, but you shouldn’t be. I hope you don’t receive this as criticism or a deflection of my own responsibility. I’m not saying I didn’t f*ck up royally in all the ways I apologized for, and plenty of other ways. But I’m stuck with myself, and one thing I know is that I could not have been the kind of person you needed me to be: a steady, patient, nonreactive person with well-defined boundaries. That ain’t me. Not yet, anyhow.

You brought up abandonment issues the last time we talked, and you said you had been too dependent on me. That points to the possibility that you’re already aware of and getting treatment for some kind of personality disorder. It’s none of my business, really, but I’m still struggling for closure, and looking back over the course of our relationship, things make a lot more sense to me now that I can see the red flags. Naming them helps me get closure.

[then a long list of red flags.]

I relate to a lot of this, and I think it’s part of why we “mapped onto each other.” I have abandonment issues too, and a history of unstable relationships. I have problems regulating my emotions sometimes. The way I acted in our relationship, I now see, was almost custom-made to trigger your fears.

I fell apart last winter, and over the past ten months I’ve worked really hard to put myself back together. I’m told that a big part of my problem is that I didn’t learn to acknowledge my emotions as a child. You let me know how angry you were, and in response I was contrite, and I tried to make things right. After you froze me out, I spent months blaming myself for all the ways I ruined everything. It didn’t do any good. It ate away at me, actually. I think it made me sicker.

So I will acknowledge here that I’m angry. I’m angry that you can’t or won’t have a conversation with me about what happened between us. I’m also angry about your abusive treatment. The Jekyll and Hyde stuff was abuse, and the lashing out. The silent treatment was the worst of all. It’s a terrible form of emotional abuse to which I’m particularly vulnerable. Let me be clear: this is not about appointing a victim. It is simply an assertion I did not deserve—in fact, no one deserves—that kind of treatment. There’s no justification for abusing someone. Not even if you think it’s an eye for an eye—which I suspect you do, despite the fact that I never treated you with that kind of contempt or cruelty.

This is what makes me feel worst of all: I wish I could believe that you loved me once, but I no longer can, because of how you left things.

Well, I loved you and still do. I’m solid like that. None of what happened between us erases all the wonderful things about you. Thank you for the extraordinary bliss we shared, and for making me laugh so much, and for making me feel like a lovable person for a while. Thank you for introducing me to your world and telling me about your life, which will always be part of me now—a source of mystery and pleasure and vivid detail—though I hate the dark things in your past, and what you suffered.

Thank you, strangely, for the messy aftermath of this relationship. It hurt more than I can ever say, but I believe I will be better off in the end. I’ve had to re-experience so much sadness this year, about things that had nothing to do with you. I re-broke the bone, and now it will have a chance to heal correctly.

Thank you for the days.

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« Reply #52 on: January 30, 2016, 08:26:27 PM »

Steelwork, that is just so beautiful. I am floored by its beauty. Thank you for it.
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« Reply #53 on: January 30, 2016, 08:35:49 PM »

Gosh, thanks for saying so.

Do you write letters? I guess maybe not, since you're still in contact. It's so strange having this empty silence where he used to be.
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« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2016, 08:38:21 PM »

(Do you know that Kinks song? Days? It still makes me weep for him whenever I hear it.)
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« Reply #55 on: January 30, 2016, 09:27:55 PM »

I haven't write letters, but I have written a little short story about it, just a few paragraphs. Maybe I can get up the courage to share it here!
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« Reply #56 on: January 30, 2016, 09:30:38 PM »

I haven't write letters, but I have written a little short story about it, just a few paragraphs. Maybe I can get up the courage to share it here!

I hope you will, kc. If you feel comfortable with it.
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« Reply #57 on: January 30, 2016, 09:32:50 PM »

wow, I just read the lyrics to Days-- so perfect. Now I've got to hear the song!
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« Reply #58 on: January 30, 2016, 10:12:37 PM »

Hey all. Just wanted to pop in and say hello.

The past few days have felt like the fog is lifting a little bit. I was angry at the beginning/middle of the week. But I had a good T session on Thursday, had a fun date Thursday night - I'm not ready for a relationship but it felt good to be out with another woman participating in life - and starting tomorrow I will be away all week from work, which means I won't have to see my ex in the office for a week, which feels awesome.

My anger led me to see her whole picture a little more clearer, I think. The past few days I've thought about her but not as much as before and when I do it's not really a feeling of heartbreak but a feeling of its her loss, not mine. Will this feeling last? I hope so but if I dip back a little that's ok, too. I know I'll bounce back.

Just wanted to share that. We can and will feel good again. We're all doing the right things even tho it feels so hard.

Keep fighting and keep pushing forward.

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« Reply #59 on: January 31, 2016, 12:16:43 AM »

Feeling that "third week of NC oh no this is really happening" feeling this weekend. 
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« Reply #60 on: January 31, 2016, 12:31:51 AM »

Today is day 7, although she attempted to break on day 4. (and failed)

I have been here many times before so it doesn't mean much yet, the 4 week mark is usually when i start to make real progress, although i have done well this week.

My general feeling is that she won't attempt to break it again, not anytime soon at least. I think i can trust myself not to reach out, so i'm hopeful it's done at this stage and this will be the end of it. Well i guess we will see.

Good luck to everyone
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« Reply #61 on: January 31, 2016, 12:39:55 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and is now locked. Thanks for participating.

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alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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