No contact for 6 years now

[mindatrisk]

Hi,

The last time I posted on these boards was November 2009. That will have been a few weeks after the last time I saw my BPD ex-girlfriend at a halloween party that she crashed having not seen her for 3 months ... .arghh, those were the days, the crazy, crazy days.  Anyway, I think we exchanged a few friendly emails emails the following September time, so that was 2010, and then I think I emailed her in May 2011, but she replied telling me that I was sick and not to contact her any more, and, well, that was the last time we had any contact whatsoever. Hurrah!

It's weird to talk about this now because it is all long gone history, but I was just thinking about her (in a healthy way) and thought i'd come here and share this because, well, I know a lot of people find it very, very hard to break with a BPD partner - God, I know I did - and, if I recall correctly, some people feel it is almost impossible... .like they are doomed to be entwined with their BPD other forever. I can't speak for anyone else, and I know that it is different for us all, but I just wanted to come back and let you all know that it is possible, very possible indeed, and a BPD relationship - as traumatic as it can be - does not have to destroy us, not in the least.

I have learnt so much about myself and grown in so many beautiful ways because of that relationship, and, having experienced all of that pain and anger, to be able to sit here now and honest to God say that I have nothing but love for my ex and wish her nothing but happiness, is a wonderful thing for me.

As I said, there has been no contact since May 2011, and the last time I saw her was halloween 2009, and i've made no attempts to contact her, and, whilst it is true that I have at times pondered on contacting her, I have no real desire to do so. I know that, even if I could handle it (and i'm not sure I could... .I still get a flustered, panicked heart when I think I see her in town), and, even if she wanted it, it would not be good for her at all, and I know that even to drop her a 'Hi, how you doing?' email - even after all this time  - would be a cruel and selfish thing to do. It makes me very happy that I can think of her well-being in a healthy way now.

So, that's it. There is not much I can say. I just hope that this might give some others hope. Because, as I have found out, it really is possible to break-up with a BPD partner, to stay broken up, and to go on to live a happy and healthy life free from your BPD ex... .and, with time, feel love for them. Thanks for reading.       

[Bigmd]

Mindatrisk, did you break up with her? This is promising to hear . Thanks for sharing.

[Rmbrworst]

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing.

So happy you're feeling healthy.  I'm sure you deserve it.

Gives me hope, but I'm already feeling better myself,  getting to where you are at is just a matter of time thankfully!

[mindatrisk]

Mindatrisk, did you break up with her? This is promising to hear . Thanks for sharing.

It wasn't a clean break - back and forth until the cracks were too wide, so i'd say it was a mutual fade out in the end.

[mindatrisk]

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing.

So happy you're feeling healthy.  I'm sure you deserve it.

Gives me hope, but I'm already feeling better myself,  getting to where you are at is just a matter of time thankfully!

It helped that I was on a spiritual path at the time (Buddhist) because it put the whole experience in a different light and helped me see the situation as a chance to grow. It was truly an education of the heart. That relationship exposed me to myself. All my ugliness and darkness and insecurity was laid bare. Painful at the time... .so, so painful... .but looking back now I am so glad for it all. I am not happier and healthier in spite of that relationship, but because of it, and I truly believe that anyone who chooses such a perspective can be better for their relationships too. It's not easy, but it's worth making the effort, because the other choice is self destruction.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for this very encouraging post! I was scared to click on it, lest you said that you were still tortured by the relationship... .and that that could be me six years down the line too   !

I'm so grateful for you coming back to us in the thick of it to tell us there is hope.

[zeus123]

i broke up with my BPDexgf in nov 2014 (15 month ago) and i have maintained strict NC from day one. i don't miss my ex and i don't feel any love for her anymore like you do. it feels stupid in hindsight to be emotionally manipulated by 3 year old girl. if anything that i learned from my BPD r/s is i tried to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional gal, that was my closure. nobody can make it work with a borderline, and this is not due to any shortcoming on your part. yes, some partners remain for decades with these individuals, but those are never loving, harmonious relationships, so i don't recommend it, unless you are addicted to pain, and the enlivening feelings it generates.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

This was a lovely read. Thank you for sharing.

[mindatrisk]

Thank you for this very encouraging post! I was scared to click on it, lest you said that you were still tortured by the relationship... .and that that could be me six years down the line too   !

I'm so grateful for you coming back to us in the thick of it to tell us there is hope.

Oh no, no, no... .not tortured at all, not at all. It really is such a thing of the past, and if it wasn't for  friend asking about her then she wouldn't have been on my mind to then come here and talk about. At the time it all seemed so, so difficult, as I know many find here, and I remember people talking about all of this as if their lives are doomed forever now. But that just has not been the case for me, and I can't see why it has to be for anyone else. OF COURSE you can move on, be happy, be free... .OF COURSE!

[mindatrisk]

i broke up with my BPDexgf in nov 2014 (15 month ago) and i have maintained strict NC from day one. i don't miss my ex and i don't feel any love for her anymore like you do. it feels stupid in hindsight to be emotionally manipulated by 3 year old girl. if anything that i learned from my BPD r/s is i tried to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional gal, that was my closure. nobody can make it work with a borderline, and this is not due to any shortcoming on your part. yes, some partners remain for decades with these individuals, but those are never loving, harmonious relationships, so i don't recommend it, unless you are addicted to pain, and the enlivening feelings it generates.

The love I feel now was a purposeful replacement for the anger and hatred I felt for her at the time. I knew from my spiritual path that anger and hatred were a poison, so I worked hard on forgiving her (internally) so that I had peace of mind moving forwards in my life. That was hard earned, and that love certainly has nothing to do with having her in my life at all, it was just a case of what was best for me.

[Mr. Magnet]

I don't expect to ever get to a place of love.  Maybe pity.  She has more money than god at her fingertips and she is the most miserable delusional damaged person I have ever known.  Were it not for the money, she'd be on the street.

she emailed me this article yesterday and i responded, "when were you ever kind or generous?"

www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-traits-2015-11

as my mom said, she is a pathological liar and a monster

i only hope I can protect my 4 year old from her as much as possible

I cannot believe i put up with this crap for so long

there will never be a place in my heart to love this monster--i am not jesus or gandhi

i just want to get past the anger and resentment and address my codependency so I can find a healthy relationship

[steelwork]

Ha, MM, my ex brought that same article up with me a few years ago (Business Insider apparently reprints it from time to time)... .and I told him I felt there were some external limits on how I could respond to "bids." We were geographically separated, I had some ongoing family disasters--I guess I was a little dismissive, as I tend to be with these pop psych clickbait pieces. I didn't think much of the conversation.

Fast forward to the end. He surprised me with the info that he'd been seeing someone else. I didn't even say I blamed him--just that I wanted to talk about it. But he sprang to the attack. He said I had no right to feel blindsided, because "I tried to tell you about the bids but you wouldn't listen."

What am I trying to say?

He felt neglected. I get it. I still think he behaved with cruelty and contempt. But maybe part of understanding what happened between us is that "bids" loomed larger than I knew, and it was black/white. It became ammunition. Either I was returning his bids or not. Explanations about what pressure I was under fell on deaf ears.

Sorry--this is a poorly placed post mortem. But that article ALWAYS triggers me. I see it everywhere.