Email from the ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Infern0,

           I don't know if i should be writing to you or not, i think you hate me and i understand if you do. I was trying to do the best thing for you even if you dont agree or understand it. You have been the closest person in my life and for a long time. You know me better than anyone and you know my past and how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. I told you things i never told anybody, and we have been close for longer than i have been with anyone.

I know I push you away, i've done it and i know sometimes you push me away too. I know that a lot of things have happened which have made everything so hard. The truth is i don't know what i think and what i feel, it's so hard for me because i love you and i want to be with you and i know that if we were i know ho good it would be but i find it so hard to just let myself be happy. Sometimes i blame you or i push you away and it made sense when you told me that makes you feel bad. I get that and i have to let you know that it's not you. i know that sounds so cliche but you are everything i want. I've told Anna this so many times that you are everything i want and when she met you she thought you were amazing too and she doesn't understand why we cant make this work.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer and if i can make you happy like you deserve. I have got onto a waiting list to go back to my psych which i havent been in 2 years. You have been there through so much and i want you there forever but if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

You dont have to respond i just wanted you to know these things

Love

BPDex

[Infern0]

Infern0,

           I don't know if i should be writing to you or not, i think you hate me and i understand if you do. I was trying to do the best thing for you even if you dont agree or understand it. You have been the closest person in my life and for a long time. You know me better than anyone and you know my past and how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. I told you things i never told anybody, and we have been close for longer than i have been with anyone.

I know I push you away, i've done it and i know sometimes you push me away too. I know that a lot of things have happened which have made everything so hard. The truth is i don't know what i think and what i feel, it's so hard for me because i love you and i want to be with you and i know that if we were i know ho good it would be but i find it so hard to just let myself be happy. Sometimes i blame you or i push you away and it made sense when you told me that makes you feel bad. I get that and i have to let you know that it's not you. i know that sounds so cliche but you are everything i want. I've told Anna this so many times that you are everything i want and when she met you she thought you were amazing too and she doesn't understand why we cant make this work.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer and if i can make you happy like you deserve. I have got onto a waiting list to go back to my psych which i havent been in 2 years. You have been there through so much and i want you there forever but if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

You dont have to respond i just wanted you to know these things

Love

BPDex

[fromheeltoheal]

So how does that make you feel Inferno?

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

[Rmbrworst]

The letter is actually nice.  It shows her taking responsibility, and apologizing.  It sounds like she is admitting she has issues and is seeking treatment for it.

Not sure how you're feeling or what you want to do with this information, but much love to you either way.  

Just keep in mind (as you already know), they tend to do this over and over again.  Cycling is a b*tch

[fromheeltoheal]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

[Wantingtochange]

Mine would alwaya use this approach after a break up, a long time had passed, and she wanted me back. I believe that she felt that way (what she said in her messages) each time she did. But as we all know those thoughts and feelings never last. She may be sincere but in my case it wasnt working out with her ex so she needed me. She would send them to me when her guilt And shame were in overdrive. It never never never has lasted though and she's in DBT.

I know and understand the confusing thoughts and feelings when you get these messages. But you also know what the high probable outcome will be.

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

[JRT]

Curious: how long had it been since you last communicated?

[Nextinline]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

InfernO

It takes a lot of effort and emotional maturity to write something like that.

Believe that it is genuine and believe that is how she really feels. She may be having a moment of clarity where she can speak from her heart and be mindful of how she behaves.

My exuBPDgf has said the same thing to me on multiple occasions recently and all of them have been face to face. Her emotions were evident and she was, to the best of her ability, being genuine and honest and taking ownership.

Your ex seems to be taking ownership.

The challenge for you and for me, for that matter, is the extent that we can believe them and trust that they will have the strength to recognise their behaviours and keep them in check such that they become far more reasonable and logical people.

Believe what she says to be her truth.

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

InfernO

It takes a lot of effort and emotional maturity to write something like that.

Believe that it is genuine and believe that is how she really feels. She may be having a moment of clarity where she can speak from her heart and be mindful of how she behaves.

My exuBPDgf has said the same thing to me on multiple occasions recently and all of them have been face to face. Her emotions were evident and she was, to the best of her ability, being genuine and honest and taking ownership.

Your ex seems to be taking ownership.

The challenge for you and for me, for that matter, is the extent that we can believe them and trust that they will have the strength to recognise their behaviours and keep them in check such that they become far more reasonable and logical people.

Believe what she says to be her truth.

Ok well on that basis I have some thinking to do

[fromheeltoheal]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

That's pretty common really, sometimes it's easier to say heavy stuff in writing, but if the written her sounds like an entirely different person than the spoken her, the written one isn't very reliable, yes?  I actually liked the written version of my ex, she was nice and funny, the live one, not even close.  JRT has a good question, how long has it been since you've heard from her?

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

That's pretty common really, sometimes it's easier to say heavy stuff in writing, but if the written her sounds like an entirely different person than the spoken her, the written one isn't very reliable, yes?  I actually liked the written version of my ex, she was nice and funny, the live one, not even close.  JRT has a good question, how long has it been since you've heard from her?

It was like a week of NC which isn't a lot.

I tend to feel like she is being genuine when she says this sort of thing, i just think that she can't hold herself together for any length of time and that's the problem, she's got million other options for supply not just me but she always comes back to me, always

[Rmbrworst]

How many times have you cycled? 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Know how you feel.  Truly love my ex, but could never trust anything.  It's sad we would all love for these ex to really change. 

[Infern0]

How many times have you cycled? 

3 proper ones.

The first two was pretty ignorant about the situation, the last one was a bit more aware of things, so things went a bit better

[cosmonaut]

You know her better than any of us, Infern0, but this sounds very genuine to me.  I hear a real struggle to understand herself and why she feels the way she feels.  And I hear both the longing and the shame.  It sounds very BPD.

Why are you reluctant to accept it as genuine?

[Infern0]

You know her better than any of us, Infern0, but this sounds very genuine to me.  I hear a real struggle to understand herself and why she feels the way she feels.  And I hear both the longing and the shame.  It sounds very BPD.

Why are you reluctant to accept it as genuine?

It's not so much accepting it as genuine, perhaps it is.

What am i supposed to do about it though? She's telling me how she feels but she's not exactly asking for anything or giving me any indication of what she wants me to do, it just makes me more confused than before.

I can't "abandon" someone in this state can I, but then what exactly am i supposed to do?

[once removed]

im a little bit contrarian in my reading of this email.

genuine and vulnerable, yes. but what is the point of the email? is it just an airing, a confession; as she says, she just wants you to know these things? the last paragraph makes that very unclear and its very unsure of itself; its also the most important part of the email. it relies on your interpretation and it frankly puts the responsibility on you.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer

if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

so, Infern0. what is right for you?

[Infern0]

im a little bit contrarian in my reading of this email.

genuine and vulnerable, yes. but what is the point of the email? is it just an airing, a confession; as she says, she just wants you to know these things? the last paragraph makes that very unclear and its very unsure of itself; its also the most important part of the email. it relies on your interpretation and it frankly puts the responsibility on you.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer

if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

so, Infern0. what is right for you?

EXACTLY

and this is where the conundrum for me lies.

I feel it is a set up, she's indirectly asking me to either try again or to "stick by her" or something of that nature, but giving me the out.

If/when it all goes wrong she can say "i didn't ask you to give me another chance"

See the problem here.

[cosmonaut]

It's not so much accepting it as genuine, perhaps it is.

What am i supposed to do about it though? She's telling me how she feels but she's not exactly asking for anything or giving me any indication of what she wants me to do, it just makes me more confused than before.

I can't "abandon" someone in this state can I, but then what exactly am i supposed to do?

I can appreciate that.  It's not an easy decision.

I think she's being honest with you.  That's my gut feeling, but what she's saying has the ring of truth.  And she's telling you that she does love you, but she doesn't know if she can be with you.  She's struggling to understand why and she's trying to get some professional help to look into these sorts of things about herself.  That's a very positive direction for her.  She's also telling you that she has no idea when she will be better.  And she's clear that she doesn't want to make you unhappy in waiting for her when she has no idea when or even if she may ever be able to have a relationship with you.

That's hard news to hear.  I heard something quite similar from my ex when she broke up with me.  Honestly, it broke my heart.  So, I can really appreciate how hard it is to come to grips with what she is saying.  It sure was for me.  And I think it's hurting your ex too.  I hear genuine sadness in what she is saying, Infern0.  I suspect that this is hurting her more than we can understand.  I think she truly does feel terrible about hurting you.

As to what you want to do, well that's something only you can decide.  It's not something you have to decide right now and it's not something you can't change your mind about later.  And of course, everyone is here for you.  My personal advice: listen to your gut.

[once removed]

See the problem here.

yes. im not even in your situation and ive imagined half a dozen different responses already. however, i think seeing it that way (focusing on reading between the lines of her indecisive communication as opposed to deciding whats best for you) is being as indecisive as she is.

im not prompting you to make a decision on the relationship, though. im prompting you to focus on what you want, and how you want to communicate that. maybe set the relationship aside. do you want to support her as she goes through this? you can do that if its truly what you want to do and you feel able, emotionally. personally, if thats the way i were leaning, id ignore all other aspects of her email, maybe ask her to clarify how you can support her as she goes through this. there might not be a clear answer, but i suspect she will elaborate on that email.

[cosmonaut]

I don't hear a recycle at all in this.  In fact, exactly the opposite.  There is no baiting here.  No seduction.  No candying the hook.  This is a letter that is all about her inability to form a lasting relationship.  I'm actually quite impressed with her candor and self awareness.  I think she's digging deep.  I don't hear indecisiveness.  Rather, I hear deep confusion about why she feels the way she feels, and why she acts the way she acts - which is perfectly understandable.  She's explaining as clearly and honestly as she can.

[Infern0]

See the problem here.

yes. im not even in your situation and ive imagined half a dozen different responses already. however, i think seeing it that way (focusing on reading between the lines of her indecisive communication as opposed to deciding whats best for you) is being as indecisive as she is.

im not prompting you to make a decision on the relationship, though. im prompting you to focus on what you want, and how you want to communicate that. maybe set the relationship aside. do you want to support her as she goes through this? you can do that if its truly what you want to do and you feel able, emotionally. personally, if thats the way i were leaning, id ignore all other aspects of her email, maybe ask her to clarify how you can support her as she goes through this. there might not be a clear answer, but i suspect she will elaborate on that email.

I have told her before that I would support her if she gets help, and I would try my best.

It's conditional though, if she is going to be serious about getting help and sticking to it and making it a priority then yes i'll support her

if she's going to put it off, or go once and then quit, and be hitting the clubs on a weekend with pictures of her with drunk losers fondling her appearing on facebook then no, she can get out of my life

[once removed]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

[Infern0]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

I guess that's the only capacity i'd be able to support in.

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

[apollotech]

Infern0,

That sounds genuine and sincere to me. I think she is being quite honest with you about her not knowing why she does certain things or feels certain ways.

But, unfortunately, she is caught up in her own magical thinking (quoted below):

I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away... .

If BPD could be "wished away" none of us would be on these boards. I hear a lot of sadness, remorse, reflection, candor in her writing. What I don't hear is a commitment to do something about herself. Seeing a T is a good sign, but the work needed to recover will be timely and difficult, and it will have to come from her. You know her, is she the type of person that has the disposition to make that type of commitment and follow through with it? If not, then it'd just be another recycle.

[Turkish]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

I guess that's the only capacity i'd be able to support in.

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

Simply, then don't.

I agree with everyone that it sounds sincere. I don't see anything like gaslighting here. It sounds like she's being honest.

Is there anything wrong with being kind? I would say no, quite the opposite. If you choose to respond, you can be BIFF, but validating and kind, not giving a large target which will likely trigger you both. Friendliness from a distance with good boundaries.

[once removed]

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

i couldnt agree with you more. i would not encourage you to put yourself in a situation that is going to cause you pain, or even one youre generally uncomfortable with. it helps to clarify goals and boundaries and it sounds like youre doing that.

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

okay. good clarity. thats why its important for you to clarify what supporting her in that capacity means, in every aspect. physically, actively speaking, what does it look like? what are the boundaries? thats a mostly rhetorical question as you named a few, but how involved in supporting her do you get, and at what point does it come at your expense? is a committed relationship the goal? is it part of the terms of support? perhaps hardest of all, if in the process of you supporting her she decides that it is best not to be a couple, how will that impact things? is your idea of support what is truly best for both of you?

if you havent read it, this link may help in terms of what to expect: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[Infern0]

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

i couldnt agree with you more. i would not encourage you to put yourself in a situation that is going to cause you pain, or even one youre generally uncomfortable with. it helps to clarify goals and boundaries and it sounds like youre doing that.

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

okay. good clarity. thats why its important for you to clarify what supporting her in that capacity means, in every aspect. physically, actively speaking, what does it look like? what are the boundaries? thats a mostly rhetorical question as you named a few, but how involved in supporting her do you get, and at what point does it come at your expense? is a committed relationship the goal? is it part of the terms of support? perhaps hardest of all, if in the process of you supporting her she decides that it is best not to be a couple, how will that impact things? is your idea of support what is truly best for both of you?

if you havent read it, this link may help in terms of what to expect: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

The ethics of this situation are driving me insane, i don't have any idea of what is right or wrong. To support, well considering the emotional attatchment I feel as though we would have to be "together" or at least working to that end. I love her, so I can't "be there" for her if she is going to get involved with other guys, that would be extremley unhealthy.

I want to give emotional support, and be a sounding board or whatever she needs, but as I say i guess it's transactional, "boundriless giving"  isn't healthy.

[Driver]

It does sound sincere, cuz it always is. Be it negative or positive.

I had almsot exactly the same e-mail from my ex. I know it's genuine. The only problem is, that few days or weeks later she can paint you all black and cover with insults thinking every one of them. Then again, after awhile you'd receive again a genuine e-mail to tell you how sorry she is. It's a neverending circle unfortunately.

[steelwork]

The ethics of this situation are driving me insane, i don't have any idea of what is right or wrong. To support, well considering the emotional attatchment I feel as though we would have to be "together" or at least working to that end. I love her, so I can't "be there" for her if she is going to get involved with other guys, that would be extremley unhealthy.

I want to give emotional support, and be a sounding board or whatever she needs, but as I say i guess it's transactional, "boundriless giving"  isn't healthy.

Re. ethics: I don't know. So hard. But I read her email again and don't see that she's asking you for any participation in her treatment. You have your own history with her and can read between the lines, of course. But what if you just responded in some way that was empathetic without stating an intention to become involved? Would that be the same as getting involved? I don't know.

[Penelope35]

I have received similar emails from my ex. And not just emails, he would talk to me like that on the phone and skype (we were long distance). Not so much when we were in person though. The first times I was extremely happy to see him being so mature about everything. So we ended up together again. The times that followed and when I started researching about BPD I was of course more skeptical. All of the times were genuine. I know in my gut they were. But unfortunately the determination to make it work never lasted. And all this time that he has been genuinely apoligising he was also married and never told me... .I only found out after our last break up in end of November. He didn't feel married, he says his marriage has been dead for years so it didn't affect our relationship but didn't want to tell me because I would abandon him. As crazy as this sounds he really means it and still cannot understand why i am so hurt by this.

My point is no matter how genuine it is, nobody can assure you that her feelings will stay that way. Every time he would talk so sincerely I was thinking there is no way I will leave this man who is basically asking for my understanding.  But the unfortunate truth was that every time he ended up leaving me... .I SO WISH I could tell you that your ex will handle it differently. But I don't know and actually nobody knows. What's for sure is that it won't be easy for you to be around for support. It won't be an easy ride especially when you said your self that you are very emotionally involved. I guess you have to measure the amount of strength and willingness that is left inside you.

Maybe first of all trying to understand what it is exactly she is asking from you will put things into perspective and help you decide on how you want to proceed

[patientandclear]

I know this is very hard to swallow, but what if there is absolutely nothing TO do?

I agree with the posters who point out that there is nothing in this message that requests "support."  I'd say that "support" from someone in your position, Infern0, makes no sense.  She has correctly identified that there are mental and emotional dynamics at play that drive her to treat you poorly and also, to develop negative feelings about you and your relationship with her while you are in one.  That is a hard bundle of truth but you yourself know it to be true.

Radical acceptance ... .is that you love the woman and from time to time she feels she loves you, but she doesn't have the first idea how to deal with her negative feelings, and she tends to do things that, for you, aren't OK.

I think acknowledging that what she said makes sense and is tough for you both, is about the only thing this message calls for.

[cosmonaut]

Re. ethics: I don't know. So hard. But I read her email again and don't see that she's asking you for any participation in her treatment. You have your own history with her and can read between the lines, of course. But what if you just responded in some way that was empathetic without stating an intention to become involved? Would that be the same as getting involved? I don't know.

I know this is very hard to swallow, but what if there is absolutely nothing TO do?

...

I think acknowledging that what she said makes sense and is tough for you both, is about the only thing this message calls for.

Exactly the way I read it too.  Infern0, I think you may be reading into this something that is not there.  She is not asking to get back together.  I think that is what you want to see, and I can certainly understand that.  But she is saying something different.  She is saying that while she loves you and she wants to be with you she knows that she can't sustain it.  She gets it.  That's a monumental step for her.  She sees the pattern, whether she knows anything about BPD or not.  We can hope that she will be able to run with that; it will change her life.  Read the letter again.  Can you see this?

She's not asking for support.  She's not really asking for much - not even a reply.  The only thing I hear her asking for is your understanding and forgiveness.  She knows she has problems and she's trying to find out why.  She knows she has hurt you, and she is sorry she has.

If you want to have a relationship with her, she's telling you that it can't be romantic - not now.  She does seem to express her wish that someday that could change, but she doesn't know when.  If your support and friendship is conditional upon "being together" as you seem to be saying, then I don't see how any further contact can work.  She needs to be able to explore this - on her own.  If she is serious, this will be one of the most important times of her life, and if you love her then I'm sure you can understand that.

Given the parameters she has given, are you comfortable being in her life?  Can you do a friendship - even one with some uncertain future possibility of something more?  You have a history of jumping into bed with her.  I can understand why - you love her.  Repeating that is only going to cause more harm for both of you, however.   Being completely sober with yourself:  can you do a friendship?

[apollotech]

Given the parameters she has given, are you comfortable being in her life?  Can you do a friendship - even one with some uncertain future possibility of something more?  You have a history of jumping into bed with her.  I can understand why - you love her.  Repeating that is only going to cause more harm for both of you, however.   Being completely sober with yourself:  can you do a friendship?

Infern0,

Cosmonaut has asked the pertinent questions here ^^^^. It's really not about how she will act but rather about what you can tolerate and how you will react. Because of the history that y'all have together and because of her disorder, I do believe that she will attempt to bring you back into a romantic relationship at some point. Her writing, although honest and genuine, surely left the door open for you to come forward. No, she didn't ask for support outright, but it was implied through her pulling on your sympathy.

Again, I did not see her accepting responsibility for her behavior in the note. Saying "I don't know why" and "wishing it away" are convenient justifications for her behavior, but without a commitment to cease those behaviors in the future. I didn't see any apology at all. Again, just an implied apology.

I would get these same types of "confessions" from my BPDexgf everytime we started a new cycle. Like your ex, mine was very aware that she had issues and was very aware that her behavior drove away the people that cared for her the most. But, in the end, her "knowing" never resulted in "action" on her behalf. I hope that your situation will be different.

I know that you're questioning what you should do, how you should support her at this juncture. My personal response would be to do nothing while remaining civil. If you truly are "everything she's ever wanted" then now is her time to prove that by doing the work necessary to become a better companion for you. Is she doesn't undertake that, well, the confession is just another pith party for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Inferno-

Per cosmo-

Given the parameters she has given, are you comfortable being in her life?  Can you do a friendship - even one with some uncertain future possibility of something more?  Being completely sober with yourself:  can you do a friendship?[/quote]
Succinct questions, to which you previously said:

To support, well considering the emotional attatchment I feel as though we would have to be "together" or at least working to that end. I love her, so I can't "be there" for her if she is going to get involved with other guys, that would be extremley unhealthy.

Which I agree with totally.  That creates a tough choice: be with her, and all that entails, or be there to support her while she's off with other men.  That's not a choice really, and you don't need to make it.

The ethics of this situation are driving me insane, i don't have any idea of what is right or wrong.

You can make it easier by focusing on what's best for you.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.  The email confused you, sent you spinning, as is expected from someone you love, and letting go is hard, doesn't take much effort really, just let go, but the distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, up to you if you're ready to take it.

[Infern0]

I just sent this.

Thankyou for the email it explained a lot and made a lot of sense, I don't hate you at all, I don't believe you set out to internationally hurt me. Best of luck with the treatment, I am sure you will do well.

End

[fromheeltoheal]

I just sent this.

Thankyou for the email it explained a lot and made a lot of sense, I don't hate you at all, I don't believe you set out to internationally hurt me. Best of luck with the treatment, I am sure you will do well.

End

There's a finality to that Inferno, in line with what you say you want.  What will you do if she responds?

[Infern0]

I just sent this.

Thankyou for the email it explained a lot and made a lot of sense, I don't hate you at all, I don't believe you set out to internationally hurt me. Best of luck with the treatment, I am sure you will do well.

End

There's a finality to that Inferno, in line with what you say you want.  What will you do if she responds?

She will respond, if not today or next week but she will respond I'm certain of that.

I'll post on here and get advice when that happens

[patientandclear]

Great response. You've done no harm to her or to you.

[Driver]

It's too late now, but if I were you I wouldn't have responded. She's trying to cling. As long as you respond she'll cling.

[patientandclear]

 For what it's worth, I don't agree. Quite a few times, I've sent my ex messages similar in tone to the one Inferno sent. The good news and the bad news is that he tended to go silent in response, for many many months. They definitely did not  cause him to cling.

Also, this is a human being, one with  whom inferno had been in communication. She sent him a sincere, honest, human expression of confusion and sadness. If we are able, given  our mental state, it seems good to me all other things being equal to acknowledge the humanity of others we have spent significant parts of our life with.

I have never found it necessary to ignore a significant communication from my ex. There are ways to respond  making clear that, unless things have changed, there's no point in messing around with the same old territory.

[Driver]

For what it's worth, I don't agree. Quite a few times, I've sent my ex messages similar in tone to the one Inferno sent. The good news and the bad news is that he tended to go silent in response, for many many months. They definitely did not  cause him to cling.

Everything is a question of what we expect from a break-up. But, now his ex knows what kind of message makes him react. So each time when she gets in the mood of contacting him (preventing him to move on) she'll send him a message. Of course it is ok to respond, except if he tries to rebuild himself and forget about her.

[kc sunshine]

I think it was a good thing to respond as well and I liked what Infern0 said. Fingers crossed for her on her journey to health!

[Infern0]

She came in to my work to "say hi" today

I think some wires have got crossed here... .

[Driver]

When I read inferno's ex's e-mail I had the impression to read exactly the same e-mail from my ex, who's still trying to reach me after two-three years of break-up. In my case it prevents me from rebuilding myself. That's why I was syaing that all depends on what you expect from the break-up to maintain contact or not. And if you maintain contact how do you manage to recover?

[Driver]

She came in to my work to "say hi" today

I think some wires have got crossed here... .

Hi Inferno,

trust me, the best thing you can do in order to help her recover and help you recover is to get out of a possible toxic relationship.

I'm not surprised she came by. The e-mail was just sent to test the waters.



So what did you say to her when you two met guys? How did you react?

[fromheeltoheal]

For what it's worth, I don't agree. Quite a few times, I've sent my ex messages similar in tone to the one Inferno sent. The good news and the bad news is that he tended to go silent in response, for many many months. They definitely did not  cause him to cling.

Everything is a question of what we expect from a break-up.

Yes, and even more important than expectations are goals; actual events may not meet our expectations, but goals are something we can control and staying focused on them is empowering.  So what are our goals?

But, now his ex knows what kind of message makes him react.

Borderlines will test an attachment to see if it's still in place.  If it is it feels good, if an attachment has been severed it feels bad and interpreted as abandonment, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline.

So each time when she gets in the mood of contacting him (preventing him to move on) she'll send him a message.

For a borderline "in the mood" translates to "looks for an attachment to help soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own."

Of course it is ok to respond, except if he tries to rebuild himself and forget about her.

Ending all communication with a borderline is a tool we can use to help us detach from the relationship, although it's an extreme tool that includes drama and emotion, and some folks favor continued, limited contact as a kinder, more holistic way of ending the relationship.  I removed my ex from my life entirely simply because someone who treated me the way she did is no longer welcome in my life in any fashion, but not everyone is in that place, some folks still love their ex very much and it's hard.  There's no forgetting either, forgiving yes, but not forgetting, how could we ever forget someone who taught us so much?

[Driver]

There's no forgetting either, forgiving yes, but not forgetting, how could we ever forget someone who taught us so much?

When I mentioned "forgetting" I meant "healing from emotional suffering".

[cosmonaut]

She came in to my work to "say hi" today

I think some wires have got crossed here... .

I think it may have been more the ambiguity of your reply and she is trying to find out what it means (not criticizing you, but trying to help you see it may not be a game she's playing).  I'm not sure that you have an answer yourself, however, to what your reply meant for your relationship with her.  :)o you know what you want?  And if so, can you communicate that to her, so she knows where things stand?

[Driver]

Infern0,

Everythig ok? Any updates to your story?

[Infern0]

Infern0,

Everythig ok? Any updates to your story?

I've been struggling with a realisation, i'm not sure if it's true or not.

I'm actually not convinced I ever truly loved her. I think that it's just a repetition compulsion from my childhood.

I don't see how i could have really loved her, I don't even know who she really is, since she's so secretive and has lied about so much

[Driver]

Infern0,

Everythig ok? Any updates to your story?

I've been struggling with a realisation, i'm not sure if it's true or not.

I'm actually not convinced I ever truly loved her. I think that it's just a repetition compulsion from my childhood.

I don't see how i could have really loved her, I don't even know who she really is, since she's so secretive and has lied about so much

Did she try to contact you back today?

[Infern0]

Infern0,

Everythig ok? Any updates to your story?

I've been struggling with a realisation, i'm not sure if it's true or not.

I'm actually not convinced I ever truly loved her. I think that it's just a repetition compulsion from my childhood.

I don't see how i could have really loved her, I don't even know who she really is, since she's so secretive and has lied about so much

Did she try to contact you back today?

No, not today it'll probably be a few days I know her pattern.

At the end of the day this email and everything is all good and well but the constant lies mean I struggle to believe a word she says

[Driver]

Infern0,

Everythig ok? Any updates to your story?

I've been struggling with a realisation, i'm not sure if it's true or not.

I'm actually not convinced I ever truly loved her. I think that it's just a repetition compulsion from my childhood.

I don't see how i could have really loved her, I don't even know who she really is, since she's so secretive and has lied about so much

Did she try to contact you back today?

No, not today it'll probably be a few days I know her pattern.

At the end of the day this email and everything is all good and well but the constant lies mean I struggle to believe a word she says

I understand. Well, I hope everything gets back to normal in your life. Hang in. Don't hesitate to update your story.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Inferno-

At the end of the day this email and everything is all good and well but the constant lies mean I struggle to believe a word she says

I've been struggling with a realisation, i'm not sure if it's true or not.

I'm actually not convinced I ever truly loved her. I think that it's just a repetition compulsion from my childhood.

I don't see how i could have really loved her, I don't even know who she really is, since she's so secretive and has lied about so much

Those are the benefits of limited contact: you get to see your ex as you detach, educate yourself and get feedback from folks like us, and your perception of her and the relationship can change as you go, which can make things easier.  Unlike me, I baled wanting to kill her and never talked to her again, high drama, painful all around.

[bdyw8]

Hi infern0,

I'm not going to say one way or the other what your ex means as I don't know her.  All I can share is my experience with my exBPD.  She wrote me about 3 such emails in a period of time over 2 years.  Each time when I had ended the relationship and about a month or two later, she would come back to me with sincere apologies and amends.

The most recent being just before xmas.  She sounded so sincere and so aware of her part.  She pledged to do things differently and not abuse me going forward.

I was on the fence, not committing for a few days.  However, when I finally decided to "give it another go", she IMMEDIATELY went back to her old behaviour and was going back on EVERY WORD of her apology and minimizing my feelings again.

A few days later, she dumped me and left me as a puddle in the gutter. 

It was after this - seeing the cycle play itself out over a 2 week period, that I realized she had BPD and just how fake the apologies were.  I finally saw them as manipulations, sometimes very elaborate.  Sometimes she would play a game as though she didn't want me back, she just wanted to "make amends".  However, I realized that it was all because she wanted me back. 

She NEVER did anything like take responsibility without strings attached and every time I was stupid enough to fall for it, I ended up getting hurt.  So I take a huge amount of the blame for myself.  But I think I'm smart enough and educated enough now to see the games and patterns and hopefully never fall for them again.

That said, I miss the hell out her and I'm suicidally depressed right now.  That is the mind-fxxk for me.  I wish you all the best and please don't read my post as an opinion of what your situation is.  Only my story.  Maybe it will help you get perspective.  Cheers.

[apollotech]

At the end of the day this email and everything is all good and well but the constant lies mean I struggle to believe a word she says

Infern0,

I went through those same struggles/questions regarding my ex. On top of that we had a 30+ year friendship before we became romantically involved, so when I was finally exposed to her disordered side, needless to say, it was quite a change from the person that I thought that I knew: What was real? What was her? What was the disorder? Can they even be separated? Etc. I finally gave up on trying to sort through it all and just started looking at her patterns. Once she became emotional attached to me, her disorder started dictating her actions (She became someone that I didn't know.). That's why I said in a prior post that your ex's "confession", although sincere and truthful, may only be a ruse. She has the ball, let her run with it. See what she does. Most importantly, take care of yourself in all of this!

[Kwamina]

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