Taking it personally

[Narkiss]

I'm all over the place. I was adored and idealized, dropped on my head and then cycled back.

Five weeks ago he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. Two weeks later, he kicks me out (he was under a lot of stress due to other matters). The following week he is in Florida with his wife and they are embarking on a crazy scheme that will only cause more chaos and enmeshment. I'm pretty sure he has at least partly gone back to his wife (found a facebook picture of them cuddling). I have a gut feeling that he is even trying to line up my replacement. I think even for someone with BPD this is a little extreme. I know I shouldn't take it personally (we are NC now), but I am and I'm devastated and don't know how to wrap my head around this. When the relationship was good, it was really wonderful for both of us. I don't understand why he didn't value that -- especially when he came back.

How can he love me so much and then immediately and repeatedly undermine it. Can someone tell me how I should look at this. It is very hard not to take it personally

[thisagain]

Hi Narkiss,

 This must be so confusing! The behavior of people with BPD in relationships can be truly crazymaking for us until we learn that there is "order to the disorder," as they say. Have you had a chance to read some of the lessons here about typical BPD behaviors and patterns? BPD Behaviors: Emotional Immaturity might be a good place to start.

When you say you're "taking it personally," what kind of feelings are you referring to? You describe a lot of confusion about him and his motivations -- but how does all this make you feel about yourself?

[Narkiss]

I'm reading them now... .I feel completely rejected.

From close to the beginning I had a sense that at any time he would disappear. That put me off-balance. I was just starting to feel secure in the relationship in the fall (and unfortunately made life changes that he encouraged) only to be dropped. That first time, I was very hurt and uncomprehending, but felt that the grief of loss was better than near-constant anxiety I was living with.

Now, I just feel rejected, that he doesn't want me, that I'm not enough.

Although the makeup after we started up again was really wonderful and we were both flying, in general I have become wary and careful and self-protective around him. I am not exuberant or open or even very talkative -- like I was before. I feel like he has gone back to his wife (he had told me they were separated and getting a divorce) because she adores him and he is drawn to her drama. And I see him as he is now (before I put him in the most favorable light possible and he basked in it). And I am not enough to keep him -- although I once was.

Look, I know it's crazy and goes against everything I've read and even know about him. But that's how I feel.

[anothercasualty]

Hi Narkiss,

 This must be so confusing! The behavior of people with BPD in relationships can be truly crazymaking for us until we learn that there is "order to the disorder," as they say.

Yes! Eventually you begin to recognize the patterns of the behavior. I am a very logical person and her actions were not logical. Now, the pattern has repeated itself so many times, I recognize the wash, rinse, repeat cycle.

Now, as for getting my sanity back... .

[thisagain]

I'm reading them now... .I feel completely rejected.

From close to the beginning I had a sense that at any time he would disappear. That put me off-balance. I was just starting to feel secure in the relationship in the fall (and unfortunately made life changes that he encouraged) only to be dropped. That first time, I was very hurt and uncomprehending, but felt that the grief was better than near-constant anxiety.

Now, I just feel rejected, that he doesn't want me, that I'm not enough.

Although the makeup after we started up again was really wonderful and we were both flying, in general I have become wary and careful and self-protective around him. I am not exuberant or open or even very talkative -- like I was before. I feel like he has gone back to his wife (he had told me they were separated and getting a divorce) because she adores him and he is drawn to her drama. And I am not enough to keep him -- although I once was.

Look, I know it's crazy and goes against everything I've read and even know about him. But that's how I feel.

Try not to judge yourself for how you feel! Or at least know that we aren't judging you for it. We've all been there. I wanted my relationship to end, but I still found myself feeling rejected and unappreciated when my ex started giving me the silent treatment. It's human nature to want to be wanted.

Have there been other times in your life when you had this kind of feeling, rejected or "not enough"? Sometimes it can be helpful to explore how the BPD relationship opened old wounds... .

[Narkiss]

That's an interesting point. My mother is NPD (diagnosed), so I grew up with chaos and gaslighting and rejection. I have had relationships where I felt that way, but not for a long, long time.

There was such a disconnect between the words and actions that it was crazy-making. He missed me but wouldn't go out of his way to visit. He frequently told me he would do something or give me something, but it would hardly ever materialize. He spoke extravagantly about his love for me, about the future, about his wish to be a good step-father to my kids but as soon as it really looked like the relationship could work, he sabotaged it, hurt me deeply and disappeared. And then did it again. I know I did nothing to deserve it or to cause it. But still I search for a reason for all of this.

[SummerStorm]

That's an interesting point. My mother is NPD (diagnosed), so I grew up with chaos and gaslighting and rejection. I have had relationships where I felt that way, but not for a long, long time.

There was such a disconnect between the words and actions that it was crazy-making. He missed me but wouldn't go out of his way to visit. He frequently told me he would do something or give me something, but it would hardly ever materialize. He spoke extravagantly about his love for me, about the future, about his wish to be a good step-father to my kids but as soon as it really looked like the relationship could work, he sabotaged it, hurt me deeply and disappeared. And then did it again. I know I did nothing to deserve it or to cause it. But still I search for a reason for all of this.

This is why you always need to pay attention to a pwBPD's actions and not his or her words.  A month ago, after not hearing from her for over a week, my BPD friend randomly texted me one night and said she missed me and wanted to know if we could hang out (I haven't even seen her since last June).  I said we could.  I suggested things we could do.  Each time, she either ignored me or changed the subject.  She is incredibly secretive, so I pretty much know nothing about her life.  I know where she works, but I have no idea when.  She knows my schedule, so I would say the ball is in her court in terms of deciding when/if she wants to hang out with me. 

A pwBPD is very good at making grandiose statements and promises.  However, they never materialize. 

I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally.  Right now, my BPD friend won't reply to any of my texts.  I did absolutely nothing wrong.  Our last communication a week ago was very friendly.  But right now, she is in the idealization stage with her new boyfriend.  If I were to poll her other friends, I would imagine that they would also say they haven't heard from her in a while.   

[Narkiss]

Summerstorm: Yes, the words and actions never lined up. He is also secretive and controlled information. I have no idea who his friends are -- I think he has a few around the country. If I think logically the only "mistake" I made on this go-around is falling into it too quickly (however when someone says they want to be with you... .) and also that the last time I saw him, he angry and hurt about not getting a job/about to lose his current one. He was so disengaged and angry and bitter that I emotionally withdrew. I didn't validate, I didn't comfort (because some of what he said was so ugly), I didn't try to draw him into my orbit. I distanced myself and just listened to him rant.

I know I can't be responsible for his moods and just stand there and take whatever he hurls at me (he is not verbally abusive to me, however) or rather I don't want to. Yet, I am not detached enough not to feel bad.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking that I should have listened to him when he told me he was selfish. I believe he cares about me and at least sometimes has tremendously deep feelings for me. But much of it is about how it makes him feel -- good about himself/bad about himself. No awareness of the consequences.

[once removed]

I know I can't be responsible for his moods and just stand there and take whatever he hurls at me (he is not verbally abusive to me, however) or rather I don't want to. Yet, I am not detached enough not to feel bad.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking that I should have listened to him when he told me he was selfish. I believe he cares about me and at least sometimes has tremendously deep feelings for me. But much of it is about how it makes him feel -- good about himself/bad about himself. No awareness of the consequences.

hey narkiss. it actually sounds to me like you know much of this intellectually, but as you say, are not detached enough not to feel bad. thats a pretty self aware observation, and its understandable. it is maddening, confusing, hurtful and painful stuff, and these tend to be volatile, loaded relationships.

give it some time. not that time heals all wounds, it doesnt, that takes work, but a certain amount of time lends itself to doing that work; time and space bring clarity, a bigger picture, can facilitate the heart catching up with the head, and frankly, time for your body to readjust to a state of normalcy.

i think youre on the right track, and i want to encourage you and to let you know that some of this will make more sense with time, but that your hurt is valid, and i recommend giving yourself some TLC as you work through this process .

[Narkiss]

   Yes I do know much of it intellectually. But my feelings are so strong for him (or perhaps the idea of him), it is still incredibly hard to believe/accept. Probably because I have been in denial from the beginning. Although I didn't know about the BPD, all the flags I ignored or overlooked or thought didn't matter! I used to be a newspaper reporter. I dealt in cold reality. I developed a good instinct about people's self-delusions and propaganda. I have never been so self-deluded. I know that, but still I somehow think he can be who he said he is. So, yes, I know that the longer I can go without contact, the more clarity I'll get. But every day I think of some excuse to reach out to him and it's all I can do not to give in to it.

I can't express how much I appreciate the support and kindness and validation I get here.