I need help: the break-up discussion is coming very soon

[Isa_lala]

Hello

I am planning to have THE break up discussion with my BF next Monday. I know that I must not blame him because it will lead nowhere. I could tell that this relationship doesn’t fit with me anymore even if I still love him (which is true). The “it’s not you, it’s me” that someone already suggested me here on this board.

However, for safety reasons, I will leave the house and then, I will tell him that I break up. He will surely want to know for how long I had been thinking of leaving (he is not naive, he knows that I had to prepare that, finding a place to leave, prepare my clothes and personal things to take with me etc.). I cannot tell him that I was not feeling safe enough to speak with him about the situation, that I knew that I could never have a “normal” discussion with him. Which I cannot tell him because it is “blaming” even if it is true. 

I may say that I decided to leave our home just because it would be too difficult to live together after I broke up with him…

Not sure.

What could be your advice?

Thank me.

I hope that very soon I will stop posting on this board because it will be over!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Isa-

My only advice is have a plan and have a back-up plan, because the behavior of a borderline can be unpredictable, you probably noticed, and having plans, no matter what, will help you stay grounded.  Good for you for taking control of the situation, and good luck to you!

I hope that very soon I will stop posting on this board because it will be over!

The relationship will be over but your detachment will just be beginning, and the effects of being in a relationship with a borderline and the abuse and disrespect you may have endured can take a while to resolve and heal from.  As you get some time and distance from him the fog will clear, and you're perceptions of him, yourself and the relationship will likely change.  Exciting really, a period of profound personal growth can follow, ultimately the gift of the relationship.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

thank you Fromheeltoheal.

I made plans to leave the house before having this discussion and I found a safe place to stay  for a little while for my son and myself.

I am really looking forward to being "borderline r/s free" and I know it will take time to recover. I have let him hurt me for more than 3 years... .

[Isa_lala]

I would add that because he will be alone at home when I will tell him that I am breaking up, I am afraid that he would destroy some things of mine or of my son's. I will take the most valuable items with me but I cannot take everything away.

I don't know if I can tell him something to prevent this

[Isa_lala]

would it be better to go smoother and tell him that I am taking a few days away because I need to think about us, about our future?

[thisworld]

Isa_Lala hi,

Congratulations on your decision for a safe exit and I'm very happy to hear that you have a safe place to stay with your son.

I'd have this talk - not a discussion- in a public place and would have a friend nearby who is ready to support me if the need arises. There may be no need at all, but sometimes just knowing that a friend (perhaps with a car) is there helps if you feel stuck. Then you could say goodbye and just join your friend which could be empowering.  

I'd also try to change the way I think about this meeting. Is this really a discussion? Will the result change? Can he influence your decision now?  You seem to have already made up your mind, so you are just informing him. (And maybe answering some questions but not many). Actually, he will understand that you have left anyway. If you feel like giving him an explanation face-to-face, how would you feel about thinking about what you are ready to speak about and what you are not, so that the talk doesn't go to strange places?

Please remember that at this point, this is actually about you. You don't owe an explanation to someone whom you are having to leave when they are absent and having to find a "safe" place afterwards. (Though I wouldn't state it in an antagonistic way, either). I understand your need to talk, but please do not feel obliged to remain in any conversation out of fear, obligation or guilt. I think not JADEing may also help. I would avoid "you" statements if he wanted to get more details and just have brief "I" statements. I'd also not react to blame by trying to establish some sort of agreement about anything. I'd try to accept the situation. This is not a nice situation, not for anyone. I'd not go out of my way to make it  nicer, fairer, just for everyone etc. I'd try to be as neutral as possible - but my BPD ex had difficulty with perceiving facial expressions accurately so I always smiled more. I don't know if your boyfriend has the same difficulty.    

Do you feel guilty at all? Sometimes, we know we are doing the right thing but we still empathise with the other person (no matter how much they've hurt us) and feel guilty because of the method we have employed. Then we try to convince them that this is the best for everyone, and again, the conversation goes out of control. It won't be easy for him, he is entitled to his feelings and doesn't have to agree with you, but you are not responsible for him. You have yourself and your son to think about. I'd prioritize that and speak from a point of strength.

How do you think you can build your strength before you go there? What would help you when you are there?

As for your new question: Do you think he'd try to stop you or let you go? And how would you take your valuables with you?

How do feel about leaving the space when he is not there and sending him a letter?

Your safety comes first and it's more important than everything else. What would make you feel safest?

[fromheeltoheal]

I would add that because he will be alone at home when I will tell him that I am breaking up, I am afraid that he would destroy some things of mine or of my son's. I will take the most valuable items with me but I cannot take everything away.

I don't know if I can tell him something to prevent this

I agree with what thisworld says, and would add that if you don't want to break up with him in a public place because of your and your son's stuff at his house, take someone with you, don't go alone, or if you're really worried about it, call the police and have them there, which they will be happy to do.  There's no reason you need to tolerate the possibility of having your possessions damaged, or even hurt yourself, because you're breaking up with someone with poor impulse control, and there is support available.  And like TW says, don't make it a conversation, just deliver the message and leave, not cold or rude necessarily, but from a place of strong conviction; there can be a challenging balance in there and you will probably be nervous, so best to take support with you.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

Hello Thisworld and thank you. What you said really speaks to me.

First, of course, I will have this meeting with him in a public place. He even may not want to meet with me on Monday…

It is not a discussion as anything he could say won’t make me change my mind. It’s a way for me to tell him ideally face to face that I am breaking up. I first thought of leaving a letter at home for when he would come back but I’d rather speak to him.

I am still not sure of what to tell him. I cannot say “it is not you, it’s me” because he is not stupid. It would be a lack of respect for him. I expect him to ask for explanation but maybe he won’t. I don’t know what to expect from him.

[Isa_lala]

sorry, I didn't write it well. I wanted to say that I will tell him that I am breaking up, then, afterwards, he will be alone at home for week. Then, his son is coming back from the mother's place.

it is sure that if he damages anything, I would go to the police to file a complaint. But I would prefer to not get there... .even if I don't have a lot of control on that

[thisworld]

This is after you have taken your stuff, yes? And how long after you left? On the same day?

[Isa_lala]

Hello

I planned to prepare my things on Monday morning  after my BF leaves for work (he leaves early on Mondays) and then, when I will be out from home, I will ask him to meet in a coffee shop to have the discussion. I am not going back home that night and the nights after.

I may go back pick some items up when he is out of the house. I want to give him some time alone to digest the news and get prepared to speak to his son. That will be the most difficult part for him.

[thisworld]

Isa_lala hi,

You are very right. It's very reasonable to give him some time to digest the news and maybe a small written note may help with that. I think it may be better for him to read it on his own in the house than receiving a phone call from you - that may be a shock to him. Also, maybe in this letter, you can softly try to give closure - that note is where you have more control as well. Then, if you need to speak face-to-face, you can refer to the note and say that you have no more to say on that particular topic.

Does the house belong to both of you? If not, I'd leave for once and all and not go back when he is not there. If it was my house only, I'd perceive that as an intrusion if the person did it without informing me - and if you inform him, he may choose to be there without telling you in advance. Alternatives could be going there with a friend and taking everything you have at his presence or going there with a friend at all times. I'd not ignore FHTH's suggestions, either.

Stay strong

[Isa_lala]

I am so anxious because I am not prepared yet for the talk. I hesitate between saying that I am not feeling well these days, feeling anxious, depressed, not happy with my personal life as well as my professional life (which is true) and that I am choking (getting out of breath because of the anxiety) and I need some time alone to figure what I want in my life.

Or I tell the truth by using “I” statements, that the rs doesn’t fit me anymore, I am not happy and I want it to end and stop the talk there.

I don’t know which direction to choose….

We moved in together only 3-4 months ago, he let it go his apartment, he put a LOT of energy in adjusting my place so he could feel comfortable in it, so I feel guilty for that too… of course, he was the one who really wanted to move in together. He even wanted to buy a house together and I have always said no. I said ok to move in together to try if it could work (it is how he offered me but of course, he would have forgotten  that he said that…).

I really don’t know what I should tell him when breaking up with him. Maybe I should write a letter, ask him to let go a few days, then meet to discuss… I don’t know. I expect to have a lot of phone calls and text messages on the Monday night. The only thing I feel good about it is that if he gets very angry and yell at me on the phone, I will tell him that I will hang up and I will + I will turn my phone off. I WILL NOT be talking with him if he yells at me.

How to avoid him to getting badly angry ?

[Isa_lala]

Sorry Thisworld, I posted without seeing your message

The house we live in is a rental, at my name only. As said in my previous message, he let it go his apartment (rental) to move in with me.

I could tell him that I may go to the house when he is not here to pick up some stuff so he would know and wouldn’t feel it as an intrusion.

You may be right for the letter. I’d rather leave a letter for when he will go home and let him digest the info. I just need to prepare what I will write.

[fromheeltoheal]

How to avoid him to getting badly angry ?

You can't, but your could avoid witnessing it by just disappearing and leaving a note.  Of course you'd need to live with that, but if you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your son and did the best you could, then it is what it is.  

You're afraid and you will be nervous Isa, which is why it's best to take someone with you.  And have the conversation with that person as to what you want to do and say, and what you don't want to do and say, and ask them to hold you to it; they won't be emotionally involved and can help you stay grounded.  If there isn't someone like that you can turn to, you can just disappear, or you can call the cops for help, but going alone and doing your best is not the best idea; decisions made out of fear are always the wrong decision.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

I will manage to never be alone with him in a non-public place.

I know he is not a bad person but I also know that he could become violent.

[thisworld]

Isa_lala hi,

My heart goes out to you.   You have made a decision and now there will be reactions following that decision and they may be frightening, tedious, stressful. When things are like this, there is an emotional discrepancy somewhere, which is not purely our fault - but we can do many things about it. When we make a decision, deep in our hearts we have set ourselves free to a degree. There is a sense of freedom, a sense of relief or comfort in the decision to break away from a hurtful relationship no matter how much we love the other person. But then we have to come back to the so-called "real", outward and outer life, one that has other people and their reactions in it. So, after the decision, we still have some way to go, and a tiring one. More stuff to handle. This discrepancy is expected in difficult relationships. In healthy relationships, breaking up doesn't cause this much fear (of the other person's reactions, of what may to come etc.). This is because in healthier relationships our boundaries are respected more, we receive more mature reactions no matter what we say. We are emotionally safer by nature and therefore more comfortable. In this break-up though, the responsibility is on your shoulders. This responsibility is to ensure your emotional and otherwise safety by your inward and outward boundaries. This responsibility is NOT to do the good, best etc thing for everyone - actually, you have no control on those and you shouldn't; it's only respectful to see other adults as capable beings who can decide for themselves. We have no control on others's feelings. Like they don't on ours.

In Al-Anon 12 Steps (the programme for partners or families of alcoholics and addicts) we have two sayings:

"Too much analysis leads to paralysis." We are very prone to this. We make a decision. Then we try to analyze how to best execute that decision so that everyone is happy, safe, content etc. We also try to prevent all negative consequences. Anything other than this seems intolerable. Naturally, it's very difficult (impossible indeed) to find such a super-effective decision because other people are entitled to their expectations as well. Then we end up paralyzed. You are not alone. I have so many friends who went through these worries, fears when leaving their difficult partners. You have every right to feel what you are feeling, but if you accept the situation that you are the only one to protect honour your own boundaries here, things get better. Then we start prioritizing.

In Al-Anon, we also say K.I.S.S. for this (Keep It Simple Stupid). You don't have to call yourself stupid the way we do but you can choose to keep it simple, too.

So, I have read that he has been hurting you - has he been physical?

You worry about how he will pass the news to his son.

How he will adjust etc.

On top of it, you are anxious yourself. You are leaving a person and you think he won't be able to handle it well (you are afraid that he may damage your or your son's property) to the point that you are leaving when he is not there! Please re-think your priorities well. You priority and responsibility is to ensure your emotional safety AT ALL TIMES. If you want to soothe him because you are afraid of what he may do afterwards, that requires other safety measures. If you are not afraid of him this way, please do not feel that you owe him anything or that you are responsible for his feelings. You have every right to do things that make you feel safe emotionally and avoid things that don't make you feel safe emotionally. This doesn't make you a bad, horrible person. Some abusive men don't get a single word from women who have left them. This doesn't mean these were bad women. Hopefully, one day these guys will ask themselves what they have done to another person so this person left them without a word. Of course, we have loved these men and we want to do things as fairly and lovingly as possible. But that should not contradict with your emotional safety. Please remember to care for yourself as much as you care for him.

What's your goal when you want to talk: To give him your truth at whatever cost? To give him something reasonable (but may not be completely true from your side) but that will not escalate the situation - hopefully? To give him anything with the hope that he leaves you alone? (My ex partner understands things completely differently no matter what I do anyway )

In either case, he may be angry but using S.E.T. and not JADEing may help. Giving him time to adjust (a letter) may help. REMEMBERING that you DON'T HAVE TO keep yourself where you are afraid, you are nervous etc may help. You have every right to remove yourself from a situation without further explanation. Usually, things escalate not only because of our partners but also because we tend to keep ourselves in the heated space because we feel guilt or we are provoked so we want to explain ourselves. Has this helped in any sense till now? Probably no. There is no need to try it one more time. Again in Al-Anon, we say it's insane to do the same things over and over expecting different results. Please do not do that with this anxiety level.

You are saying you are not ready for the talk. You don't have to do anything that you are not ready for. Do you feel that you have to do this so that he doesn't damage you any further (i.e. do you feel like you are his emotional hostage? That's how I felt with my BPD ex) or do you feel that you owe this to him because you were partners (then this can wait until when you are ready, he has to respect it.) Are you protecting him emotionally or are you protecting yourself emotionally? Like FHTH has mentioned, realistically, you can only achieve the latter actually.

You are not guilty because someone CHOSE TO give up their home to live with you. I know the feeling. My ex gave up where he was living and started living with me, then had to go and live with his mother when our relationship ended after 3 months. Yes, but, how about how we say they have been hurting us? Do we know have to live with them and this hurt because THEY moved in together with us? Living together should be honored everyday by treating the other person respectfully. One cannot treat another badly and then get surprised when they decide to move out. "But I changed where I live for you" doesn't count. The problem occurred afterward. Actually, you have yourself to look at, too. You are the one having to find a "safe" place, remember? It's not only him who suffers here. Please do not feel guilty. You probably did everything to continue but it became impossible. Don't blame yourself for this.    

You are afraid of his anger. What exactly are you afraid of in a public space? How could you fortify yourself? If this anger is threatening you seriously, you don't have to meet him. That doesn't say anything bad about you no matter how he perceives it.

Please regularly remind yourself that YOU HAVE ONLY YOU AND YOUR SON TO LOOK AFTER. You don't owe a violent person anything.

Take good care of yourself

[Isa_lala]

Thank you for your long message Thisworld

I understand that your ex moved in with you and had to left after 3 months, like in my own situation? How did it go? How did he end up leaving your place? Was he angry and did he blame you for destructing his life?

I will very probably leave a letter instead of meeting with him. I could meet him in person or have a conversation over the phone but I would respect my boundaries: I WANT RESPECT. I know that the following weeks could be very chaotic. My hope is that the break up ends as soon as possible, but I won’t put any pressure on me, as I don’t have any control on it. I will not concede everything just because I want the chaos ends asap. No.

I would like to tell him the truth, but maybe a sweetens one to hopefully not escalate the situation, just for him to leave me alone as soon as possible.

As I said, I have no control on this…. So just pray and hope….

[fromheeltoheal]

I WANT RESPECT.

Yes!  That's the sound of someone taking their power back, and good for you Isa.

[thisworld]

Isa_Lala hi,

So, how did it happen in my case: (This will be even longer as our life was like a bad action film, but don't let this demoralize you, my circumstances were different a bit because of my NPD mom and the little gossipy Hobbit village I live in right now). When we are still in the space of a possibly violent relationship, they may appear stronger than they are. Then slowly, we start getting stronger, too. Usually, this happens quicker than imagined. It's good to be cautious, aware of all the support we can get (even if we think some of this is not preferable) and to look after ourselves really well without letting fear invade our thinking.

So, here is my chaotic story. (But this volatile person has now left me alone after 3 months. I think if I had less fear or anxiety it could have been quicker. He now realizes (as far as I can see) that I'm not the person I was in the relationship, there is no hope of getting that person back and he has just left me alone after 3 months of what, 50 guilting, blaming, loving messages every day:)) He still doesn't have a replacement and he says he is my friend. But my ex is BPD/NPD and now he knows that I can see through the façade.  

My ex had an addiction problem and he entered rehab so that he could be with me. I then learnt that his addiction past was a bit more problematic than he told it to be. Anyway, he quit rehab after 11 days- it should have been 21- and came. I made the mistake of accepting him because he had already moved out of where he was living at the time and I thought it would be my fault as well. Plus, it would be impossible to find a place and a job at that stage so he would basically be homeless. This is what I thought as his mother has a petition waiting for him at the police station (as I learnt later). But I also discovered that people are not as alone and helpless as they make it to be when they want to guilt someone. She now has him in her house and also pays for his medical expenses - which were on my shoulders for three months as he said she couldn't help him - which she can actually. My "guilt" shaped many of my behaviours in this relationship.

Anyway, this is how it happened more or less: my ex became very volatile and he physically damaged the entire house after I held him accountable for emotional cheating (I had to save my work computer and lock myself in my bedroom for safety). Then he decided to leave. (That week I was dumped at least 10 times, I don't remember.) Then he got lost and I found him in a reanimation unit. That was also the second overdose in that period. I know BPD triggers this. He had told me from early on that he would kill himself if I left him (but like a half-serious joke). After the reanimation he was very aggressive - I thought I would be taking a sad person home - there was nowhere else to go and I told his mother that I'd let him get stronger in my house for a couple of days and then help him to get to her place. But he was so aggressive that I had to warn him that I'd have to leave him in the hospital garden and just leave (social services are not developed here so sometimes we just have to help each other more I suppose). He started controlling himself better in the hospital garden after the boundary - so, I know that some anger is uncontrollable but some is. On the way (as far I remember), he told me that this is a parasuicide that went wrong. At home, he just assumed that our relationship would just go on, that these events made everything OK. I told him that he was tired and to relax for a bit and everything else could wait till he was stronger - but we would have to speak. At home, he was very angry with the hospital because they stole his shoes - I made two rounds in the hospital looking for them everywhere  from the morgue to rubbish bins. Maybe they were lost when he collapsed on the street doing heroin, nobody knows. But it was shoes, shoes, shoes. Nothing else. Nothing about what happened to him, what I may have gone through (trying to think of what to say to his mother who would call us the next day - and she has cancer). Zero recognition of our existence in these events as two people, just shoes, for hours. The night before, I just thought he died somewhere and was looking for him, it was traumatic. But it was shoes shoes shoes. I was now being endlessly questioned about whether I checked every bin in the hospital properly - and yes, I did. I went through clothes of dead people as he wouldn't leave without his shoes. Then it became "Can I do some THC" as I took away his stash - normally I never interfere but after the overdose, I did. He truly pressured and pestered me with it. I told him I didn't want to and wouldn't live like this. He said ":)o you want me to leave?" (I think this was on his second day after the reanimation, I don't remember clearly.) We had agreed before that we would not resort to "leaving" each other each time there was a disagreement. Now that he said it and I saw no hope in terms of a common ground of understanding, I said "Yes."

He didn't rage! (But he had badly two days ago). The next day he was very inward and innocent looking. He played me Nick Cave songs (I think actually he wanted me to ask him not to go, so he still had some hope and that was partly the reason of good behaviour). Then we left - I took him to the bus station. On the way, he shouted at me a little, but just a little.

Then message-bombing started. Blaming me but through little animations where a girl kills a boy, pieces of writing etc. Then they became more aggressive as I went NC. He started threatening me with coming here, dying at my door, some violent things, sharing my photos, my diary, my whatnot with people etc. With the help of a therapist I started doing Gray Rock - limited contact with a certain method where he would hopefully get bored. He didn't like this either. So we increased a bit of narcissistic supply. He felt better, calmer. I used a lot of S.E.T. and our communication got better. He tried to recycle me. The rest is new and pretty interesting. But basically, yeah, my ex blamed me for everything under the sun. For causing him to overdose (after he was violent to me actually! all I did was to tell him that I was aware of the email he had sent to his ex. I said this neutrally. I didn't shout. I didn't want to discuss this either, he threw my laptop at me in bed and was shouting so I just opened the e-mail and showed him, he sees this as me leading him to suicide), for his rages, for ruining his life, for discovering his emotional cheating, for paying for his medical expenses, for having a house, for having a job, for having education, for being hurt by for everything.  

But I think this is more important than what happened:

I strongly, seriously believe that half of this happened because he knew I was sympathetic to him and empathized with him. He knew I wouldn't go to the police - we don' trust the police much here, either. I also happen to live in a small holiday resort like place (this is a new life for me) and happen to be my NPD mother's neighbour. This can be more difficult than the ex and is a big social pressure on me now. She has a good reputation here is a socially, politically active person and a "scandal" involving the police would cost me dearly. She now says I was an idiot for not using my rights but I know that if I did, it may not have been so:)) That's why, I tried to deal with it as privately as possible and my ex made use of this. (Then my house got busted for drugs, ha!)

Afterward, I experienced that when he gets the feeling that I'm NOT afraid, that I'll resort to whatever support I have - women support centres, the police, whomever (though not preferable)- he stopped pressuring and pestering me. Actually, he lost interest:))

As long as I tried to negotiate nicely, I lost. I think it wasn't nice behaviour that caused this but his imagined consequences: As long as he sensed that my sympathy would prevent me from protecting myself the way I would against a stranger, he exploited this (maybe not knowingly, I'll never know). He would comfortably rage, he would comfortably break stuff, he would bring up the pain I caused him, he would guilt me, blame me. I didn't believe these myself and didn't feel guilty. But he was right, I would not involve all my support options - police, friends, whomever. He couldn't understand this nuance. When he realized I was not afraid, in my own self, in my thoughts, this reflected on my body language, my voice, my attitudes. he backed off. That's why I think building yourself up psychologically is very important. My ex sensed this. That's why I'm writing to you emphasizing your inner strength rather than trying to find the ideal action. I'd say, as long as you are strong yourself, actions result in better things - or not so bad things as your perception of them changes as well.

At the moment, you sound like you don't want to be blamed, maybe you feel bad a little bit as well because of your decision. I understand that you are afraid of his reactions. This is a result of the way you have been treated for a while. But not the only reality. Once you are out of that space, he doesn't have that much power over you as long as you are psychologically fortified. Please know that you are not alone and there is actually a lot of support for you - say, there is an extreme case of violence, even illegal immigrants would get support from some women's centres. This is so even in my dodgy country. Once we decide to help ourselves, we are always less helpless than we think.  

Altogether, I see that you have great, powerful decisions. I agree with leaving with a letter as well. Sounds like the better option. I'd have a friend when helping with the property stuff as well.

You say you WANT respect. Very powerful decision. I think it's important NOT TO FIGHT to get this. We can only treat ourselves respectfully and cannot control the rest. But we have the choice of not getting involved when we are not treated respectfully.

The break-up ends when you end it, Isa_Lala. The rest will be your boundaries with him. Have you thought about what to do with the house or the contract?

Now, you have no control on what he escalates or not.  Assertive communication helps. Gray Rock as a method may help.

As for the letter. Don't beat yourself up trying to write the best letter. The priority seems to be to leave safely and end this relationship. You can write a brief letter just informing. Please do not include guilty or over-loving statements in it right now. (For instance, I'm sorry things had to happen this way is better than I'm sorry I did this do you - he'll probably not find either of these credible at first, you may need to give him some time.) Also, you may try to find a balance between the reality of the situation from his perspective and your words. Like, you are a woman who fled the house. This is an ego-wound to anyone. If you try to soften it with big love words, he may perceive these as false and manipulative (anyone would I suppose).

You have no control on what he does but you have a lot of control on what you do and can use that for your and your son's good.

A lot of times, it may not be as bad as we imagine when we are in the emotionally unsafe place, either.

The most important thing would be not to be pulled back into the emotional spiral where you want his acceptance or recognition of you as a good person. If you don't get pulled back, you are stronger.

Please keep posting whenever you need support or just need venting. We are always stronger together

My thoughts are with you.    

   

[Isa_lala]

Wow, I am amazed by your story!

I totally agree with you. I spoke with a therapist yesterday who told me the same thing about the letter. I could work on it for an entire year, my BF will get upset any way.

I don’t expect him to think that I am a good person, I know that I will be the worse person in the world and he will make me guilty for everything because it is less painful that thinking that he has part of responsibility.

I just wish the break-up will not be so bad. I try to relax with it as I know that this break-up will be harder that anyone I could have in a “normal” relationship and I do not have any control on how he will react.

Thank you for your time, it helps me so much!

[thisworld]

Isa-lala,

It's great to hear that you spoke to a therapist and are not completely on your own in this.  Soon, everything will be much better.

Best,

[Isa_lala]

thank you

yes, I am speaking with someone from my employer "employee assistance program" and I contacted also a therapist I met a year ago whom I called Tuesday.

now, I have to prepare a letter to let on the kitchen table next Monday... .I want something direct, simple, not too harmful... .I would take any suggestion

[Turkish]

thank you

yes, I am speaking with someone from my employer "employee assistance program" and I contacted also a therapist I met a year ago whom I called Tuesday.

now, I have to prepare a letter to let on the kitchen table next Monday... .I want something direct, simple, not too harmful... .I would take any suggestion

While I am trying to imagine how a Dear John letter would trigger me, you're doing what you have to do.

You're nit keeping it secret, and it seems like you have a Safety Plan.

Have you shared with anybody, especially the T, your feeling that he could become violent?

Gavin deBecker, security expert and author of The Gift of Fear, reminds us to trust our gut feelings.

[Isa_lala]

Turkish

My BF broke a few things at home when getting his rage outburst. Last time (Valentine’s day Eve) he even grabbed my neck for a second, but this second was too much. Same night he punched me twice on the tibia (I was sitting beside him with my legs against my chest) just because I said that I was as fed up as he said he was.

I know that when he feels angry, he can have these rage outbursts and then I really don’t know what could happen and I don’t want to experience it!

The T said that leave a letter is not the optimal way, but sometimes, when we are too afraid of the reaction, this is a safe way to do. So this is what I am planning to do… this r/s is not “normal” and the break up won’t be “normal” as well

[sweetheart]

Hello Isa_lala, 

I'm sorry that your facing such a difficult decision, things must feel very scary and uncertain at the moment. How is your son, is he aware of what is happening?

Can I check with you, is what you're planning to do, to ask your partner to leave your home in a letter and then return home after he has left?

Are there and have you considered any other options, did your T suggest any?

I know I've asked lots of questions, it's just that your partner has been physically threatening to you very recently, so we want to make sure that you and your son are safe in the process of leaving.

[Isa_lala]

hello Sweetheart

No, I rent a full equipped apartment for a month and I am planning to leave on Monday without saying anything to my BF. I will leave a letter saying that I am breaking up and that i am going away temporary just for the 2 of us to "digest" and to speak calmly about the house we rent together.

i haven't said anything to my son because it is a too big responsibility to put on his shoulder to keep such a secret. I am planning to pick him up right after school on Monday, go to a coffee shop to have a comforting hot chocolate and tell him. Then, we will be able to go in our temporary apartment.

[sweetheart]

Thank you Isa_lala for clarifying what you are doing. I understand now how you are leaving.

I had some concerns thinking you were returning to your home.

What you are doing sounds like a really good safe plan for you and your son.

Having another temporary apartment to stay in is a really good idea.

Do you have family, friends you can count on for support?

Has the employee assistance program been helpful for you?

Keep posting and let us know what is happening.

Take good care of yourselves.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you for your warm thoughts. It really helps me.

I don’t have any family around but 2 very good friends I can count on. My boss at work is also very supportive and it helps.

Yes, the employee assistance program is helpful. My next counseling appointment is next Friday. And I have also a therapist I can easily reach on the phone should I need to.

I will come to give you updates as soon as I can on Monday (it will be a very busy day…)

Thanks everyone!

[thisworld]

Isa_lala hi,

Have you started on working your letter, yet? I don't know if you are receiving any support on that from your T but we are always here for feedback.

Also, please remember that the last days are the most taxing for us as well because we may feel stressed, excited etc and this reflects on our body language. For your individual safety, please do not leave any internet history that may be related with this "safe exit" on your browser even on your personal mobile phone on these days. It's better to be on the safe side with this.

Stay strong and keep posting!

We will be thinking about you

[Isa_lala]

I have walked on eggshells for the last 3 years knowing that any little thing could make him jealous and angry. I have nothing to hide but I learnt how to avoid what could trigger him.

For the letter, I had the help of the therapist who read it and gave me his comments.

I just want to tell him that I am leaving him, not for another man, but for ME because this relation ship doesn't suit me anymore, that I realized that we never would be happy together. I want to add that even if I know that he will be very upset with me and will hate me, I don't feel any anger, only sadness.

And I will finish by saying that I am leaving somewhere else temporalily, the time we set all the material things together

[C.Stein]

Have you started on working your letter, yet? I don't know if you are receiving any support on that from your T but we are always here for feedback.

A little humor?

Dear dude,

You Suck!

Goodbye

[thisworld]

Isa_Lala, hi,

You are a very courageous woman who is dealing with all this so well. Kudos to you! 

My break-up communication (about hate/anger etc) was based on a different subtle message. But now that your T has already made comments, I suppose there are different strategies in these break-ups.

My T also made me understand that no matter what I said or did, ultimately this was about protecting boundaries and not acting with uncontrolled emotion afterwards until my own detachment was complete. (Then there are not uncontrolled emotions anyway.)

Please keep us updated.

We will be thinking about you    

[Isa_lala]

Have you started on working your letter, yet? I don't know if you are receiving any support on that from your T but we are always here for feedback.

A little humor?

Dear dude,

You Suck!

Goodbye

Ah ah ah

[Isa_lala]

I am almost there... .I will let you know how it goes tomorrow

[thisworld]

Good luck with everything today Isa_Lala,

My thoughts are with you

Stay strong!

[Isa_lala]

Thank you.

I left my home. I am still shaking

My bf did not leave the house the time he usually does! It made my stress go up at its maximum. When he finally left, I rushed to prepare my things but did not take everything I wanted. I am so stressed ! Can not breathe

I didn't leave a letter. Too rushed.  I just want to cry, and I am sure I will but I need first do a grocery for my kid and I

My son doesn't know anything and I will be so sad to tell him tonight what is happening

Last night was again a nightmare. My bf became angry, and had a rage outburst, punching me on my legs when sitting beside him. He wanted so much to hit me and to hurt me but didn't

I am so stressed

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you.

I left my home. I am still shaking

My bf did not leave the house the time he usually does! It made my stress go up at its maximum. When he finally left, I rushed to prepare my things but did not take everything I wanted. I am so stressed ! Can not breathe

I didn't leave a letter. Too rushed.  I just want to cry, and I am sure I will but I need first do a grocery for my kid and I

My son doesn't know anything and I will be so sad to tell him tonight what is happening

Last night was again a nightmare. My bf became angry, and had a rage outburst, punching me on my legs when sitting beside him. He wanted so much to hit me and to hurt me but didn't

I am so stressed

Good for you Isa!  You did your best in the situation and you're moving forward with your goals, protecting yourself and your son, congratulations and give yourself credit for that.

Can not breathe

Best to take long, deep breaths on purpose right now; we tend to hold our breath when we're stressed, but we do better with lots of oxygen.  And while you're taking that deep breath, tell yourself everything is going to be better, which it will.  Take care of you!

[Penelope35]

Hi Isa. I have never posted on your thread but I have been following your story.  I just wanted to tell you I am glad you did it. I understand you are stressed right now but please try to calm down and take one step at a time. you did the right thing for you and your child. I hope punching you on your legs yesterday is another proof for you that you don't deserve having your body and heart violated by ANYONE, no matter how Iimportant you thought he was for you. Keep posting here. We are all here for you. Congratulations for you courage to leave! 

[thisworld]

Isa_lala,

Breathe, the most difficult part is over.    

These happen in a lot of exits but things get sorted out. You are a very, very strong woman who managed to get out despite yesterday's stress and the change in his schedule today. Please congratulate yourself for that.  

You are out and that's the most important. Everything else can be sorted out. Do not pressure yourself with the letter in your mind now. If you still want to send it, maybe you can e-mail it after getting opinions from a helpline or your therapist. Right now, what's most important is that you relax, have some food with your son and regain your strength. It will be a change for your son but a good change in the end.  

For everything else, your friends and support system in general can help you with everything.

Will you have a friend with you tonight who can give you some morale?

[Isa_lala]

Hello and thank you all

I need to calm down, breathe deeply and speak to myself

The first step is done, then I have to take one thing at a time.

Difficult when you have a tendency to be anxious

I will send an email to my bf as soon as I pick my son up at school.

Then, if my bf is too upset, I will have the opportunity to turn off my cell and try to relax.

I planned to take a warm bath tonight and a cup of wine

Tomorrow is another day

Keep cheering me up, it makes me feel a little bit better

[thisworld]

Sure we will, we are here for you whenever you have the time

And a bath and wine sounds like a perfect idea.

A la santé!

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, I'm looking forward to updates Isa, very brave, bold move today and I'm proud of you.

At this point many of us felt a huge sense of relief, like a weight had been removed from our shoulders.  Once you get beyond the initial stress you will probably experience that, and enjoy it, you've earned it. 

Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

OK, I'm looking forward to updates Isa, very brave, bold move today and I'm proud of you.

At this point many of us felt a huge sense of relief, like a weight had been removed from our shoulders.  Once you get beyond the initial stress you will probably experience that, and enjoy it, you've earned it. 

Take care of you!

Yes, for the moment, I don't feel any relief, just stress.

I know that when my be will be calmer (if it ever happens... .) we will discuss the logistic and material things and that will be easier,

I am looking forward to feeling the relief a lot of people spoke about on this board

Thank you all

[thisworld]

Isa_lala,

The stress will pass. You have had a very difficult two days and a lot of stress before that, too. But you've done it!

Sometimes, strong people get stressed like this because they think "What next now? I have to do this, do this, do this." This is also because of the crisis mode we may be very used to. It takes a bit of time to learn to slow down and relax. (Plus, you will probably wait to hear from him for a couple of days and that's another cause of stress.)

But it will pass.

I was very stressed after my break-up because my ex was harassing me through e-mail. Then we had another action film episode and he just decided to leave me alone. Very unexpectedly. Harassment stopped and I got even more stressed! What was he doing now? etc etc. Thousands of questions in my head. He said we were best friends now and I was even more stressed  (When I was so good to him, we were never best friends ) So, I was so anxious that I even called him twice to see if he was still my best friend  (I don't advise this.) Apparently, he is. I'll never know what is going on with him. But so far so good.

So, yes, sometimes when things go well, we get anxious as well. I felt in control of the situation when there was harassment because I knew what was going on - even if it was harassment. When it stopped, I didn't "know" anymore, I too lost my "control".

But my system got used to it. Don't worry about stress right now. It's very expected. You'll be better soon.

Keep posting,

We are here for you  

[Isa_lala]

He has written me many times since he received the email. He wants me to feel bad because of the kids (his and mine ) .

I blocked his phone number so I won't receive his calls.

This is what will be difficult, this feeling of being harassed... .I regret so much to not have broken up with him before.

I know it will be very painful, more painful than with a non npd, but I have to go through that and be strong

[Isa_lala]

How to do to not respond to emails and other text messages?

After all he deserves to get answers. He is not a monster

[Turkish]

How to do to not respond to emails and other text messages?

After all he deserves to get answers. He is not a monster

Check out this discussion:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

Remember BIFF When Responding to Hostile E-mails

Hostile e-mail exchanges have become huge in divorce. Blamers love sending them and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you.

Instead, assertively use a BIFF response, as described next, and encourage people in your support system to do the same. It will save you a lot of wasted time and energy to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

Do You Need to Respond?

Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you Turkish

It is unbelievable how worth is this website.

I will check what the link says

However, for the moment, the text messages I receive are more miserable. He is desperate as he hasn't seen it coming

That s why I feel very bad not to not respond to him.

[C.Stein]

Isa, he deserves a response IMO.  While it may be hard to empathize right now but I think in the long run you will be glad you did it.  Stick to your guns and don't get emotional.  A BIFF response might also help mitigate any blow back.

[Isa_lala]

What is a IMO response?

[thisworld]

IMO is short for "In my opinion Isa_lala.

[Isa_lala]

Ok, sorry for that.

I will try to see him in a public place tomorrow morning after dropping my son at school or at least to speak on the phone.

And I will have to find another place to live, here, it is too noisy, it is unbelievable. A chance my son has a strong sleep.

I need a place where I will feel good while we sort the things out with my bf.

[Isa_lala]

He doesn't stop begging me to let us another chance

[fromheeltoheal]

He doesn't stop begging me to let us another chance

He's feeling abandoned, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so he's panicking with emotions he can't soothe and in "pull" mode.  This is a test of your resolve Isa, and as you say, he's not a monster and there were some things you needed to say to him, either with a letter that you were going to leave, a text or email, on the phone, or in person, and it's best to say those things one way or the other because you say it's right, and then just don't communicate with him for a while, if at all.  A relationship with a borderline is unstable anyway, and at the end, as things are breaking down, it gets very unstable, so it's up to you to focus on you and your son's future and move away from the relationship, physically, which you've already done, and now emotionally.

How was your first night with your son in your new place?

[Isa_lala]

Thank you

The first night was awful for me. It was harder for my son to get asleep but it seems that he has slept well.

The place is very noisy and not comfortable

I will try to find another place.

I am very anxious with all of this. But I know that I must continue on this path so I try to be strong

I see my doctor tomorrow and will ask for medicine for

Anxiety and depression

I may ask a week or 2 off from work (sick leave ) even if I don't feel comfortable in this apartment.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's important to take care of yourself very well right now, something you may not have done in the relationship, and getting enough sleep, eating right, keeping outside stress to the minimum, will all help.  I'm sorry your new place is loud, and remember why you are there and how this is a move in the right direction, and your relationship with your son will change now that you've removed your ex from the dynamic.  That's a good thing, as you build a life together again; how can the two of you make the best of your new place and have some fun there together?  Might as well enjoy it, and it may help to invite folks you are close to over there to give it some life and turn it into a home for however long you're there, yes?

[Penelope35]

Isa it was expected that he would react like that wasnt it? It is also expected that you may start having second thoughts due to guilt or other emotions he may be illiciting. Remember FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. But try to focus on the reasons you have taken the decision to leave. You did your best and that was a cconscious decision of yours.

[Isa_lala]

I totally agree with both of you

Yes, he tries to make me feel guilty. He even sent me a picture of our 2 boys taken last Xmas

For the moment, the anger I expected has not came yet. It will come when he will understand that I am not coming back

I may write another email for him to understand that there won't be other chances, that we are not getting back together and I may cut the contact for a few days.

Then the anger will come

[Isa_lala]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

[Penelope35]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

[/quotes]

Think in terms of what will affect you thr least. If hearing him will cause you more anxiety then go with the email. He is probably not in a position to discuss anything so maybe email is a better choice?

[fromheeltoheal]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

It depends on how confident you are that you can stay grounded when he's dysregulating.  If you can see him in person or talk to him on the phone and hold your ground regardless of what he throws at you, then do that, but if not, you can still get your point across in writing, better actually because you can say what you need to say without being interrupted or getting involved in an emotional conversation.  It's best to focus on what's best for you and your son and act accordingly, since guilt may creep in if you let it.

[Isa_lala]

I guess I am getting emotionally overwhelmed

I will definitely ask a sick leave to my doctor tomorrow.

I cannot even think. I am glad you are here to give me advice

[thisworld]

Isa_lala hi,

E-mail is more effective in two ways: Brief/Informative/friendly is easier in writing for many of us at this stage and e-mail is proof for future needs.  

Is it possible for you to share with us what you wrote to him in the first e-mail? Have you stated any boundaries there or mentioned anything about who contacts who, when and about what?  

What would you like to communicate in this mail and why? (To influence his emotions or reactions or to state what you will or will not do?)

Also, as a side note, I think it's important not to react immediately when they write most aggressively, frequently  etc because this may give the message: "When I insist, she writes." So, he may start insisting. My T advised me to write not when his emotions were very high but when I got a little window . That way, you are not reacting but being pro-active (in your little way). Otherwise, your e-mail may be associated with rescuing and he may want more of it. Maybe you can speak to your counselor about this and take note of their advice - maybe your T recommends a different method. Every relationship and person is different.

We also need to accept one thing: We too want to control the situation with our reactions (like him). When we are not on the same page emotionally with our partner, this produces anxiety. We need to take control of our boundaries, what we can do and what is not for us to solve and then learn to get comfortable in those boundaries (tolerate anxiety but be wise and safe).

Best,    

[Suzn]

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