Can't shake feelings after seeing exgf driving

[Bigmd]

      Ok, I haven't really been on the forums in a while . Felt I didn't need to come here everyday and have gone weeks without logging in. Anyway I'm approaching 8 months post breakup. Since I was dumped at the end of July , I went from being completely devastated to what I feel is an anger/acceptance phase. I do therapy once a week and have been doing relatively well. I've been dating and have met a great girl I like being with. So just as I think I'm on my way to being normal I get a slight setback.

       I called out of work last night just to rest. I was in a great mood. Took the new girl out for lunch, went to the park and walked around. Was great! . I decided at about 7 pm to go to store to get some stuff. Sure enough as I'm going through intersection I see my ex's truck stopped at light. Now I live in a small town and she lives on other side. I've managed to go entire time without seeing her. Sure there were times where I thought I saw her truck but convinced myself it wasn't her. No doubt about it this time. White Pathfinder with the tints I bought for her. I had a rush of heat come over me and felt my heart rate instantly go up. All kinds of feelings were drummed up. Everything changed in an instant, so crazy. I continued to the store and eventually calmed down. This shows me I'm nowhere near being healed. For the rest of the night I found it hard not to think of her. It sucks and I'm trying to shake the feeling. Why does this happen? Thankfully I have a therapy session today.

[once removed]

hey Bigmd and welcome back 

i can see how seeing her (for the first time?) would be highly triggering, and in a way you might not have felt in a long time. it kinda reminds me of a bad dream, the kind that can leave you shaken up for the rest of the day. it sounds like youre still well on your way to recovering and have taken great steps. hang in there - if you see her again it might not effect you as strongly next time.

let us know how the therapy session goes today!

[bdyw8]

Hey BigMD, thanks for that post.  I'm about 2.5 months NC and I'm still avoiding my exBPD like the plague.  We live about 2 blocks away from each other and I take every precaution not to go near her place or to avoid her at all costs.  So I can appreciate your efforts in going NC for as long as you have.  Good for you!

As for seeing her again and thinking that you're "nowhere near being healed".  I can so relate with the frustration that we can feel when we still think we have a long way to go to heal.  I know for me, at only 2.5 months out that I certainly do.  But it sounds like from the other things you've said, with regard to counselling, moving on with a new girl, that perhaps you have made some really good progress and you shouldn't discount that or get too down on yourself for this "setback".

I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.  I've been clean off of drugs for over 6 years and booze for over 5 years.   While being around alcohol doesn't bother me one bit, when I see my drug off choice on a TV show I get that same sensation.  Especially when I see someone doing the drugs and getting the same reaction that I would.  Some movies or watching "Intervention" are obviously more realistic and those can sometimes trigger me in a big way.  

Not to want to DO THE DRUG, but to just REMEMBER THE FEELINGS.  I think that is an important difference.  Early in my recovery, yes it would trigger me into thinking about using again.  But now, even though I can feel my heart race and my body heat up and almost feel the high of the drug, it doesn't make me want to do the drug.  It's just a physiological reaction based on past trauma/massive emotional responses.  It's the same as a flashback.  If I have a flashback of doing drugs or a dream of doing the drugs, I don't see that as a setback.  In the program of AA, we learn that these are just natural responses and aren't a concern.  It doesn't mean that our recovery takes a step back.

I think that anyTHING or anyONE that created huge emotional responses in us will always remain with us throughout our lives in this way.  They may subside over time and how they affect us will change, but I know as an addict/alcoholic, I will always have a certain response/trigger to drugs and alcohol because they did so much for me in my past, both times of elation and complete despair.  The same was true of my exBPD.

Perhaps your experience is similar to what I'm describing.  :)id seeing her make you want to dump your current gf and go back to your exBPD?  Or did it just drum up those old feelings, later supplanted with the thought of "oh yeah, I'm not going back to that gongshow"... .  I know for me, at 2.5 months, I still have the strong feels of sometimes wanting her back, but perhaps you've moved past that now and can "play the tape out" as we say in AA and if you do fantasize for a few moments, you quickly come to the realization that going back would be insane... .

Anyway, hope some of that helps.  Hope you're not being too hard on yourself.  Keep up the good work - I too am seeing my therapist tonight!  

[steelwork]

bdyw8, thanks for that post.

BigMD, my sympathies.

I have not seen my ex in person in going on 17 months, haven't heard his voice in over 16 months. I don't know if I ever will again, but the thought sometimes sneaks up and terrifies me. Even getting some news about him (unsought) makes my heart start racing, head spinning, hands get numb. Last time, it made me so upset to think that I had not come as far as I thought, but maybe that was too negative a view. I might just have to get used to the idea that I will have these "flashbacks" for however long I do, and it doesn't mean a step back.

[Bigmd]

Thanks guys for the responses . The funny thing is I didn't actually see her. Just her truck. But it was enough to screw with me. Her driver side door was dented and I remember thinking what happened ? I almost thought about jus a text to asks her. But of course I didn't . I can't !

Too much time has transpired and I wouldn't be able to deal with no response or a negative response. I know I'll get through and have made a ton of progress but at times it's still very hard . I'm still in disbelief sometimes. Sometimes when I go out with the new girl I can't help but think it's my ex I should be with. The whole thing is preventing me from fully commiting to her.

[once removed]

Sometimes when I go out with the new girl I can't help but think it's my ex I should be with. The whole thing is preventing me from fully commiting to her.

do you and your new partner have an understanding about this? grief tends to leave a person in a place of emotional unavailability - theres nothing wrong with that, we need to give ourselves room and time to grieve. would you say you are still grieving?

[bdyw8]

I have not seen my ex in person in going on 17 months, haven't heard his voice in over 16 months. I don't know if I ever will again, but the thought sometimes sneaks up and terrifies me. Even getting some news about him (unsought) makes my heart start racing, head spinning, hands get numb. Last time, it made me so upset to think that I had not come as far as I thought, but maybe that was too negative a view. I might just have to get used to the idea that I will have these "flashbacks" for however long I do, and it doesn't mean a step back.

I think they probably subside with time.  I still have the occasional dream of being with my ex-wife (we separated over 5 years ago now).  I don't wake up in pain after those any more like I did a few years ago.  So hopefully the ones with the exBPD will subside with time as well (in frequency and emotional toll).   I've been going for EMDR therapy and this has helped a lot with the PTSD symptoms I was having from the abuse.   Has any once else here tried that?

Thanks guys for the responses . The funny thing is I didn't actually see her. Just her truck. But it was enough to screw with me. Her driver side door was dented and I remember thinking what happened ? I almost thought about jus a text to asks her. But of course I didn't . I can't !

Too much time has transpired and I wouldn't be able to deal with no response or a negative response. I know I'll get through and have made a ton of progress but at times it's still very hard . I'm still in disbelief sometimes. Sometimes when I go out with the new girl I can't help but think it's my ex I should be with. The whole thing is preventing me from fully commiting to her.

I react the same way.   I was showing my parents something on facebook messenger and I noticed that they had an old conversation going with her on there, I didn't see any of it, just her name and that was enough to screw me over for a couple days.  

With respect to your second comments about wondering if you would rather be with her than your new GF.  I'm realizing now through my own recovery that I tend to pick women that will give me instant gratification (just like drugs and alcohol).  They will give me affirmations and validations that will make me feel good about myself.  They will meet needs in me that I SHOULD be meeting on my own if I was more inter dependent rather than co-dependent.  This being the reason I fell for a BPD woman and the love bombing/idealization.  It was like an instant shot of whatever drug straight to the jugular!

So I can see now that if I were to meet a "healthy" woman, I would probably get bored very quickly by not getting that love bombing/instant gratification/amazing sex, whatever.  Either that, or I would think the "healthy" woman was not that into me because she wasn't doing the things I just mentioned.  I have met women like this in my past and every time I never pursued anything with them for that reason alone.  

Shows me that I have a lot of work to do on myself so that I can learn to fall for a healthy woman and not need the instant gratification/adoration of a personality disordered woman.  So on the outside, the PD person may seem like the quick solution to the emptiness we feel within ourselves so it seems attractive to someone like me.   However, not wanting to go through the pain and abuse I went through the last 4 years, I think I'm ready to put in the time and the effort to learn how to fill this emptiness myself (or with God since I'm a spiritual person)... . 

Anyway, that may be a big reason we tend to consider going back to our exBPDs because they may offer a quick fix to how we feel and obviously a BPD person during idealization is amazing and may seem far more attractive than a "normal" woman... .my two cents, sorry for rambling!

[Bigmd]

Once removed me and new girl talked about it. Even at one point stopped talking because I told her I'm not ready. We started talking again because I realize I have some feelings for her. She knows my ex damaged me. But she's not without issues either . Bad relationships, daddy issues, great freaky sex, etc... .But I like hanging with her .

Bdyw8 I hear ya. When I first got dumped my immediate reaction was to join a dating website. After all I was hurting right? The first girl I went out with we had sex. That trend continued and I had a lot of sex. But no girl lasted more than that one time. My therapist was not happy with me. She says I'm running from feelings . Which I agree with. I hate being alone too. I've had a few dark days in my house alone and crying. I've stopped the dating site thing. It was getting out of control. I was talking to 4 different girls at once. Driving all over to meet up. Was giving me a headache. One girl even called my job because I stopped talking to her. That gave me a wake up call. I stopped talking to all of them and blocked them. I'm just seeing one girl. There is no label on it. Kinda jus having fun and going out. Sometimes I question whether I should even be doing that. I'm taking it day by day.

[bdyw8]

You just told my story too!  I was desperate to move on.  The whole online dating and juggling thing was completely unmanageable for me too and wore me down just as much as the r/s with my exBPD did... .well maybe not that much... .haha.   Sounds like you're moving in the right direction!

[Bigmd]

I'm trying bro. I deleted the dating app from phone. Haven't even gone on in over a week. It was draining. I would get anxiety about talking to them and setting up dates. The last girl I met up with I drove 45 mins to meet at a TGI Fridays. She was older and we had a good time. We made out a little but that's it. I told her we would go out again but with my work schedule and my daughter being with me for weekend it would be hard. She texted me on Saturday accusing me of not wanting to see her bla bla bla. That was it I blocked her. I actually just cancelled membership for the dating site. What's the story behind your ex and you?

[bdyw8]

Yeah being off the dating websites is a new thing for me, it's been a couple months now of no dating sites and the beginning was tough as I craved that attention from someone else so going it alone has been tough, good days and bad.

I didn't know much about BPD until probably January 1st of this year!  I was with a woman for 4 years and the last two years were hell.  I spiralled downward as she played emotional mind games with me and was very abusive (mainly emotionally, but a few times physically and sexually, go figure).  We broke up and got back together so many times I lost count.  She never took responsibility for anything unless I ended the r/s with her and then she would come back saying how she finally saw her part and how sorry she was.  Then she would make vows and promises to me that things would be different.  Then within a week, she would go back on everything she had apologized for and get really mad at me for bringing up that she was repeating patterns.

The whole thing drove me mental and I was near suicide or relapse on booze or drugs the last few months.  I finally told her to leave me alone in the fall and told her I was going NC.  She stalked me throughout the fall and I didn't answer any of her calls or when she came to my house and rang the door (she lives two blocks away from me).  Then just before xmas, I opened the door and let her work her charm.  She used sex to manipulate me and draw me back in.  I was tentative the first few days and she made the promises again.  For 4 days she was the person I remembered from the beginning of the r/s 4 years before.  Then when I finally decided to go all in again on xmas day, all the wheels came off again.  When I again called her on changing her behaviour again, she dumped me, less than two weeks after reeling me back in.  Was close to suicide and complete nervous breakdown after this.  So that was December 30th.  Been NC ever since then.  Blocked her on everything of course.  She had one of her kids text me (or perhaps her texting from her kids device).  I blocked that as well.   

During the xmas break she tried to tell me she thought I had BPD (hahahahaha).  It was then that I read up on it and it was like all the lights came on that explained all the unexplainable things that had been happening the last two years. 

So yeah, sometimes I still fantasize about the "good times" but after that two week recycle over xmas and seeing the whole cycle play out in just a few days, I know now that the real her was not the good stuff, that was just the mask she wore during idealization.  The real her was the bitter, angry, passive aggressive, blaming, abusive, manipulative, self pitying woman that I knew the last two years.  I'm glad I'm out of the cycle, but I do miss the chaos still in a sick way.  The highs were great, but they didn't last long and they became fewer and farther between.  Just like the highs from drugs!  Starts out as fun, then it's fun with problems, then it's just problems!

[Bigmd]

Same here. Didn't find out about it until weeks after breakup. I met my ex in 09 and we had an affair for about 4 years . I finally got a divorce an 2014 and we were officially dating. The only problem was things didn't get better, they got worse. Her fav punishment was silent treatment. I received a lot of it. I didn't know what it was. She often said it was because I got her so mad she would just shut down. She would promise not to do it again but never followed through. Like you said the good times became fewer and far between. I found myself paying for everything, buying things that I thought would make her happy. Nothing was good enough. She would flip over the most minute things. Sometimes cursing at me in front of my daughter and hers. Often accused me of looking at other girls and always wanting to check my phone. Mind you I was not cheating. Anyway she dumped me over the phone at the end of July. Basically called me selfish and immature. Tried to get an explanation a week later but that didn't go so well. I texted her in October and she acted as if we never dated. Blamed it all on me. That was last time I contacted her. I agree with you, it's like a drug . The chaos and drama I do miss sometimes.

[troisette]

Thanks for your post Bigmd and for your comment bdwy8:

"Not to want to DO THE DRUG, but to just REMEMBER THE FEELINGS.  I think that is an important difference.  Early in my recovery, yes it would trigger me into thinking about using again.  But now, even though I can feel my heart race and my body heat up and almost feel the high of the drug, it doesn't make me want to do the drug.  It's just a physiological reaction based on past trauma/massive emotional responses."

I'm six months nc and doing okay. Not detached but recovering. Ex lives 6 streets away and I've become laissez faire as he's been away for a couple of  months. Drove round a corner this morning and saw him standing in the middle of his road, in conversation with a neighbour.

My immediate reaction was how attractive the back of head is!  Second reaction;  his body language is negative as though he's arguing,  third reaction; reversed car around corner and drove away,feeling shaken.   This all took place in 30 seconds. 

I'm pleased my reaction was to get away without making contact. And I'm taking on board your words, I didn't want to do the drug, it was based on past emotional responses. Today's emotional response was to acknowledge he's got nice hair, wonder why he's looking angry, and RUN! Thanks again.

[Bigmd]

Wow couldn't even imagine living around the corner from my ex. She lives across town and I've done everything to avoid even going to that side. I even changed where I go shopping. I'm not even sure how I would handle a face to face run in. Even 8 months out. So crazy these relationships.

[bdyw8]

I'm six months nc and doing okay. Not detached but recovering. Ex lives 6 streets away and I've become laissez faire as he's been away for a couple of  months. Drove round a corner this morning and saw him standing in the middle of his road, in conversation with a neighbour.

I'm pleased my reaction was to get away without making contact. And I'm taking on board your words, I didn't want to do the drug, it was based on past emotional responses. Today's emotional response was to acknowledge he's got nice hair, wonder why he's looking angry, and RUN! Thanks again.

Good to hear other people's progress in this.  I'm two blocks from my exBPD so when I do have to drive past her street, I don't even turn my head to look down the street!  I've even gone to the extreme of covering half of my face so that my peripheral vision doesn't see anything.  haha.   Good for you for keeping the NC for 6 months now!  I'm not detached either, but am recovery slowly but surely (? I hope). 

Her fav punishment was silent treatment. I received a lot of it. I didn't know what it was. She often said it was because I got her so mad she would just shut down. She would promise not to do it again but never followed through. Like you said the good times became fewer and far between.

So many similarities, my exBPDs tactic was the silent treatment as well.  She would shut off her phone or not answer for hours.  And she would cancel plans we had made, even vacations.  She even outdid all that when we were on holidays together and she left the vacation and left me and my kids there stranded without a vehicle!  All because she flipped out on how I didn't discipline my kid for something as much as she would have.  My parents had to drive two cars all the way to where we were staying so that they could bring me my car.

Can you believe that we stayed as long as we did?  I'm pretty aware now that my issues kept me around WAY too long.  Trying to find the hope and faith that I deserve better from the people in my life.  Perhaps some higher self esteem and self-worth will help me heed the warnings next time.

I'm not even sure how I would handle a face to face run in. Even 8 months out. So crazy these relationships.

Me neither, I'm terrified of bumping into her in our neighbourhood or at the store.  I often scan the parking lot for her vehicle before I go in anywhere.  Afraid of the manipulative games she will play and things she will say to me if she sees me just to fxck with my head.

[Bigmd]

Yeah man silent treatment is the worst form of punishment in my opinion. Mine would go on for days to almost two weeks. Whenever we started talking again it would have to be like a meeting where we would "talk" . But it was usually her telling me what I was doing wrong. Then there was the makeup sex where in the middle of it she would profess her love for me and tell me no one will ever care for me or love me like she will. I would have to promise I would never be with anyone else. Weird crazy stuff. But now I kinda understand it.

    I just got back from a daddy /daughter dance with my 10yo. I saw my ex's daughter there also. It wasn't really triggering or affecting me. It was more of a sad feeling. I was close with her daughter and treated her like my own . I haven't seen her since July . One of the last things my ex said to me was she told her daughters we weren't together anymore. So effed up.

[Tobiasfunke]

I hope in time this will disapate but I feel it's like an allergic reaction or a response to stimuli. Like a pupil reaction to light. Last week had to do taxes with her. I could feel the anxiety building just having to be by her. Felt my face getting flush the whole thing. I know it did not bother her in the least and that hurts as well. I don't feel like I'm hanging on to anything. I don't want to feel like this.i want to be indifferent  I guess. But it all just rushes back. We have 2 children and it makes nc impossible but as little interaction I can keep it the better. I wonder if she thinks I'm giving her st but she is udx and i know I became her trigger in the end. I want the avoid anything that would make this tenuous situation worse. The divorce  is still not finalized and I don't want to waste the mediation process we started last March by triggering a rage. I miss the person she was terribly. I do not know this new version of her. I do know that most of the 19 years we were together she was very troubled, abusive angry but for better and worse sickness and health. I know logically letting it go is the best but still physically hurts.

[Bigmd]

Tobias I'm sorry to hear that. I was just dating mine. Everyone says its a good thing we didnt marry. I was going to get engaged. I don't know how long your out of relationship. It's almost 8 months for me. It gets better I assure you. I do still have bad days. I find it hard  to believe I am now in the situation I'm in. After all I ended my marriage for ex.

[bdyw8]

Yeah man silent treatment is the worst form of punishment in my opinion. Mine would go on for days to almost two weeks. Whenever we started talking again it would have to be like a meeting where we would "talk" . But it was usually her telling me what I was doing wrong. Then there was the makeup sex where in the middle of it she would profess her love for me and tell me no one will ever care for me or love me like she will. I would have to promise I would never be with anyone else. Weird crazy stuff. But now I kinda understand it.

Hey Bigmd, man we have such similar stories.  We wouldn't go that long between talking because I would begging and pleading with her to be nice to me and stop shutting me out.  Which would make her mad and escalate things.  I would try to express my feelings and she would tell me she didn't care to listen to me talk about how I felt or she would even tell me "you've taken up 14 minutes of my time now that I will never get back" and make other condescending/patronizing remarks to belittle and shame me.  Then the make up sex would always be mind-blowing with lots of "forevers" and "always" thrown in there too!   Man, talk about a mind fxck and a half.

    I just got back from a daddy /daughter dance with my 10yo. I saw my ex's daughter there also. It wasn't really triggering or affecting me. It was more of a sad feeling. I was close with her daughter and treated her like my own . I haven't seen her since July . One of the last things my ex said to me was she told her daughters we weren't together anymore. So effed up.

That sucks too and again I can relate.  The odd occasion I would walk away from her when she was treating me like crap she would say to her two kids that "look, he's leaving, he doesn't want us anymore".   I would often tell her how dare she say that to her kids and mess with their minds as well.  I loved her kids and treated them as my own for 4 years.  My kids and her kids were best friends and it's so tough with kids involved so I can totally relate with you how you feel.  It was tough for me to have to block her kids on my phone too because I wish I could still be there for them. 

Did you talk to your exes daughter when you saw her?  I think if I saw my exes daughters (with my ex not being there) I would probably tell them I loved them and was sorry things turned out the way they did... .  I think about them all the time too and my kids talk about missing them all the time.  How is your daughter dealing with things?   I'm trying to get my kids out amongst other kids so they can make new connections now to help fill the void of losing their "sisters".   

[Bigmd]

Yeah sounds like we dated same person. She would often say I need to love her unconditionally. Which meant love her while dealing with her crap. One time when she was giving ST I caved and sent flowers to her work. She texted me and said flowers don't mean anything. Then again she said "sorry" doesn't mean anything to her either, she didn't say it or accept it as form of apology.

       I didn't say anything to her daughter. Not sure she even saw me. I just think it probably would have pissed her off anyway. Too much time has passed. Last year when we were together she texted me to tell me not to go up to her at dance. I have no idea why. I saw her ex husband too. Would have liked to get his version of the marriage . But I don't care that much anymore. I'm sure he would say something to her and she would be pissed. She made sure to tell me she told her kids we broke up. It hurt because I loved them too. My daughter was close in age to her youngest. She was 9 at the time and really didn't seem to bother her haha.

[bdyw8]

Then again she said "sorry" doesn't mean anything to her either, she didn't say it or accept it as form of apology.

Things between my exBPD and I didn't start getting bad until after I stopped apologizing for everything and started to try and hold her accountable.  So long as I was apologizing and begging her to forgive me, she liked having that hold over me.  Obviously that lack of accountability or responsibility is part of their charm.

Would have liked to get his version of the marriage .

No kidding.  My ex talked about what an evil person her ex-husband was and all the bad stuff he did.  Again, no talk EVER of anything wrong she did to contribute to the marriage failing.  Should have seen that as a .  But I've considered inviting him for coffee to get his side of things.  Seems like she has everyone else fooled except for me and her ex-husband (who took out a restraining order against her when he moved out).  We're either the only two crazy people or the one two sane ones that don't buy into the façade.

[Bigmd]

She would tell me what an a-hole he was and how he cheated on her. Not sure now how much is true. He had alot of money and she told me she looked at him like a father figure. Often times she would compare me to him or tell me what he used to do. I would say " I'm not David!" She like to compare my divorce with how they did it. Mine was gone through a mediator. They got lawyers. I would ask why does it matter. We did it the way we felt was best. I came out of it pretty squeaky clean. She had some sort of hatred towards my ex and her new boyfriend. Always saying they are moving too fast. She would tell me she can't stand my ex wife. She had no reason to. I always asked why does she care so much as long as we are happy. I think it was jealousy now that I look back. She even refused to go to a wedding she would be at. Didn't matter anyway we broke up before it. I went alone anyway. There were so many issues with her , I didn't realize until she broke my heart and left me. She had a hard time taking compliments about her beauty too. When I said she looked hot, she would tell me not to say it. She felt too much pressure to keep it up. I thought she was joking but realize now most likely it was an issue. I thought she was 7 years older than me. I never cared , I loved her and she was beautiful to me. I found out later after we split she was actually 52 years old. I called her out on it after we broke up. Tried to tell her it didn't matter. It was no use , she blew up on me. My therapist thinks there was a real age issue there. Her being 11 years older maybe she felt self conscious about her looks. Prob some truth to it because in initial break up call she said " your a good looking guy, you can get young girls" what the heck .

[troisette]

 

I would like to meet exBPD's ex-wife to find out more but I realise this is unhealthy and I'd just be looking for validation of my experiences. He's high functioning and a waif, and at a superficial level fools most people. But when I remember his callous remarks about her regarding her serious health crises during their marriage, I wonder... .

It takes two to make a marriage but from his point of view all blame lies with her, even when he talked about his infidelities, they were always her fault.

Still not completely over my brief sighting of him a couple of days ago, now I know he's back in town 

[WoundedBibi]

Please... .seeing my ex even from afar would shock me and keep my mind very occupied... I hope I will never have to see him again but I know I've got a snowball's chance in hell for that.

[troisette]

Thanks for that Bibi, it makes me feel better. I was feeling rather nerdish 

[bdyw8]

I would like to meet exBPD's ex-wife to find out more but I realise this is unhealthy and I'd just be looking for validation of my experiences.

Still not completely over my brief sighting of him a couple of days ago, now I know he's back in town 

I agree with your point about validation.  I know it wouldn't serve any healthy purpose to have a "sit down" with their ex (I've been watching a lot of Soprano's lately hence my reference to "sit down".

Yeah and don't feel bad about still being on edge over the sighting.  I haven't seen my exBPD in almost 3 months but even when I see her name on something or a picture of her or her kids pops up somewhere on my computer it makes my heart speed up and takes my breath away - fight or flight response!

Prob some truth to it because in initial break up call she said " your a good looking guy, you can get young girls" what the heck .

That's interesting.  My ex was only three years older than me, but looked quite a bit older.  She would always say the same things to me about how old she looked and why I didn't get a younger woman and how women were always checking me out.  No matter how many times I told her she was beautiful, etc.

I almost think that they self-sabotage.  Like in their mind, they are saying "he's eventually going to leave you for a younger/prettier/better/whatever woman, so you better leave him now before he hurts you later"... .

[troisette]

Thanks bdyw8 - it helps to know I'm not alone. 

[bdyw8]

Thanks bdyw8 - it helps to know I'm not alone. 

Likewise!      Most of my friends and even my parents all think I'm totally nuts to still be thinking about her and not over it yet.

[WoundedBibi]

One friend ignores me if I try to talk about how I feel, one blew up at me and said "if you're telling me you are the kind of woman who would let herself be beaten and still stay, I'm going to walk out of your life now". The last one and I made up and he now gets this is really hard. Another friend who I tried to explain how I felt about 'my guy', willing to move to the other side of the works for him to a country where I don't know anyone, don't speak the language of, a country that doesn't seem particularly safe to me, just to be with him, laughed and said "wow, you had a real crush on him" and went to get coffee.

Without this board I would turn into a fruit cake.

[troisette]

Me too - I've exhausted the patience of my friends - and I don't blame them! Unless you've been there you can't understand what it's like. I don't talk about it to friends nowadays, I bore myself, let alone them!