moving foward/date/little hopeless

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

i am doing much better than 2mo ago, 3 attempt to divorce my borderline wife of 11yrs, last 2months have been hell, but I can finally see her bizarre behavior for what it is and accept I cant change it and cant live with it or accept it.  I accept my fault  but I will not own hers anymore too. My pathway to victory has been understanding the pathology and actually using one her tricks whether is healthy or not, everytime I thought how great she was I immediately started to check that against what I experienced in our marriage and basically started devaluing her in my life... which in essence brought me to reality.  truth is I over valued her and she under valued me.

  here is the hopeless part, I got setup on a date tonight through my friend's wife, with a girl who I know of but have never met, but she is very attractive, I have been excited, to me this has been a moving forward step, not about replacing a need or the loss I experienced, and was just looking forward to the outing but with some of the normal dating thoughts of well what if this does work and she is great etc etc.  Well bubble busted today, I was at therapy, I mentioned my double semiblind date to my T last week and again today and my t looked at me and said "watch out for the borderline", well without saying it, she has counseling somebody close to my date and apparently the date is borderline.  I feel defeated, like here I go again, this is somebody I picked to go on date with bc physically she is my type and turns out she is borderline according to my T.  my hopelessness is this: am I doomed to always pick them? are all single 30's attractive females borderline What the heck? 

Anybody else run into this or I am just over reacting

[cootkilla]

i am doing much better than 2mo ago, 3 attempt to divorce my borderline wife of 11yrs, last 2months have been hell, but I can finally see her bizarre behavior for what it is and accept I cant change it and cant live with it or accept it.  I accept my fault  but I will not own hers anymore too. My pathway to victory has been understanding the pathology and actually using one her tricks whether is healthy or not, everytime I thought how great she was I immediately started to check that against what I experienced in our marriage and basically started devaluing her in my life... which in essence brought me to reality.  truth is I over valued her and she under valued me.

  here is the hopeless part, I got setup on a date tonight through my friend's wife, with a girl who I know of but have never met, but she is very attractive, I have been excited, to me this has been a moving forward step, not about replacing a need or the loss I experienced, and was just looking forward to the outing but with some of the normal dating thoughts of well what if this does work and she is great etc etc.  Well bubble busted today, I was at therapy, I mentioned my double semiblind date to my T last week and again today and my t looked at me and said "watch out for the borderline", well without saying it, she has counseling somebody close to my date and apparently the date is borderline.  I feel defeated, like here I go again, this is somebody I picked to go on date with bc physically she is my type and turns out she is borderline according to my T.  my hopelessness is this: am I doomed to always pick them? are all single 30's attractive females borderline What the heck? 

Anybody else run into this or I am just over reacting

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear you're going through all this.  11 years of being with a BPD has got to be tough. You have the patience of a saint and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Just so I'm straight, are you telling us that your T is also counseling someone who dated the girl you went on a date with and this T told you that girl was BPD (or had traits of)?

[cootkilla]

date is tonight, yes my therapist was basically warning me the girl am going on date with tonight is borderline or has traits of, really deflates my hope but I guess I could use it as a prep to be looking for reflags, kinda like a pretest for dating world.

just worries me that i m never going to find somebody who doesn't have borderline, seriously makes me doubt any 30's attractive single women without personality issues exist... .that i guess is the hopelessness talking. and some of this comes from my wife was 31 when we met and she was single with no prior marriages, i was 26.  is it possible that i am just drawn to them like a damn magnet even without ever meeting/talking to them... freaks me out

[Lonely_Astro]

date is tonight, yes my therapist was basically warning me the girl am going on date with tonight is borderline or has traits of, really deflates my hope but I guess I could use it as a prep to be looking for reflags, kinda like a pretest for dating world.

just worries me that i m never going to find somebody who doesn't have borderline, seriously makes me doubt any 30's attractive single women without personality issues exist... .that i guess is the hopelessness talking. and some of this comes from my wife was 31 when we met and she was single with no prior marriages, i was 26.  is it possible that i am just drawn to them like a damn magnet even without ever meeting/talking to them... freaks me out

Well, I'm sort of concerned that your T would mention such a thing to start with, from an ethical standpoint.

But how does she know she's BPD?  What I mean is she may know the signs but has she talked to her or is she taking the bf's word that this girl is behaving that way?  I mean, maybe she is but what if the T is making a snap judgement based on what she's being told about this girl? 

I guess I'm playing devils advocate, while I'd be cautious, I wouldn't cancel my date.  Who knows how this T reached the conclusion she did.  Personally, I'd find another T. This T seems to be treading on thin ice, ethically speaking.

[MapleBob]

Therapeutic ethics aside... .I say go on the date for sure. Just watch out for the   's and have fun, keep it light. Keep in mind: pretty much everyone is on the spectrum, so at best you're looking for someone who's crazy doesn't exacerbate your crazy, or vice versa.  

[WoundedBibi]

Go! Use it as a test case. If you feel you're on a pedestal by the end of the date, abandon ship 

But yeah, different T. I agree. The T might not have said "this person has BPD based on what I have heard", just implied it (or that's how I read it) but implying is already too much. Not ethically correct.

[hopealways]

i am doing much better than 2mo ago, 3 attempt to divorce my borderline wife of 11yrs, last 2months have been hell, but I can finally see her bizarre behavior for what it is and accept I cant change it and cant live with it or accept it.  I accept my fault  but I will not own hers anymore too. My pathway to victory has been understanding the pathology and actually using one her tricks whether is healthy or not, everytime I thought how great she was I immediately started to check that against what I experienced in our marriage and basically started devaluing her in my life... which in essence brought me to reality.  truth is I over valued her and she under valued me.

  here is the hopeless part, I got setup on a date tonight through my friend's wife, with a girl who I know of but have never met, but she is very attractive, I have been excited, to me this has been a moving forward step, not about replacing a need or the loss I experienced, and was just looking forward to the outing but with some of the normal dating thoughts of well what if this does work and she is great etc etc.  Well bubble busted today, I was at therapy, I mentioned my double semiblind date to my T last week and again today and my t looked at me and said "watch out for the borderline", well without saying it, she has counseling somebody close to my date and apparently the date is borderline.  I feel defeated, like here I go again, this is somebody I picked to go on date with bc physically she is my type and turns out she is borderline according to my T.  my hopelessness is this: am I doomed to always pick them? are all single 30's attractive females borderline What the heck? 

Anybody else run into this or I am just over reacting

This has totally happened to me as well. I guess we are just hyper aware of the borderlines, and yes most of them seem to be super attractive! I hate to generalize and I won't but I see a correlation.  And the fact that they are in their 30s and single + attractive definitely suggests a history of unstable/turbulent relationships hence why they are still single.  If I think someone is BPD I won't go out with them anymore.  Be vigilant, that's okay, but don't feel doomed, the right one will come along. The way I look at it is that before I knew about BPD I wasted my time with a lot of filler girls, now I may be alone but at least I know what to look for so when it comes along I will be ready.

[steelwork]

Hey fellas,

I was single for the first half of my 30s, and I swear--no personality disorder!

Also, why is this generalization being limited to women? We are all people, doing the best we can.

[steelwork]

(Then again you might not have thought I was attractive.)

(But women generally find themselves single for the same reasons as men do.)

[cootkilla]

the generalization to women is because that is what I am attracted to.

I did go on date, went fine, was looking for red flags whole time, but it was gonna be weird no matter what bc its my first date in 13yrs  and apparently my chooser of partners is defective so I am soo unsure of my own perceptions now, but moving forward and gonna take it slow etc, BETTER than being with me ex for sure!

[steelwork]

Oh yeah, take it as slow as you need to. Sounds like it's very early days for you. Anyhow, don't be discouraged. You are single, and that doesn't make you defective. Same goes for plenty of attractive ladies.

[MapleBob]

Hey fellas,

I was single for the first half of my 30s, and I swear--no personality disorder!

Also, why is this generalization being limited to women? We are all people, doing the best we can.

Word to that, steelwork!

I'm turning 35 in two weeks and I've never been married. (I was all-but-married to a probable pwBPD for most of my 20's.) I took four years off from dating to work on myself and go back to school, then wound up falling in love with another probable pwBPD. 

Because I was healthier, that relationship didn't work out. I'm pretty convinced of their ability to find us, not the other way around!