Ruminating over the bad things the exBPD did

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have picked this up from another post and it rings so true;

Part of the reason "splitting" is not healthy over the long run is because it doesn't lead to true healing. Over time, it takes a lot of energy to maintain and "all bad" view of someone; paradoxically, the energy expended keeps us very connected to the person who hurt us, and to the bad memories (which can become ruminations), rather than on the path of detachment. If we're experiencing black and white thinking, then by all means, let's bring it to the light.

I am in the rut of ruminating over the bad things the exBPD did. I think about it day and night and after reading the above, know that it is keeping me connected and preventing real healing. How do I stop the ruminating? It has been one month. I managed three weeks of no contact, fell back to contact as I wanted to know the truth of all the bad things she did (affair with another for past year, moved in with another for two months, a few randoms, the thing in common with all these men was cocaine and sex) and have found the courage to block her again and will continue to do so. Interestingly in that week of phone contact, she tried to resuscitate the relationship and was a master at explaining it was all my fault, I did X so she did Y... .

[Thegardiner]

I have picked this up from another post and it rings so true;

Part of the reason "splitting" is not healthy over the long run is because it doesn't lead to true healing. Over time, it takes a lot of energy to maintain and "all bad" view of someone; paradoxically, the energy expended keeps us very connected to the person who hurt us, and to the bad memories (which can become ruminations), rather than on the path of detachment. If we're experiencing black and white thinking, then by all means, let's bring it to the light.

I am in the rut of ruminating over the bad things the exBPD did. I think about it day and night and after reading the above, know that it is keeping me connected and preventing real healing. How do I stop the ruminating? It has been one month. I managed three weeks of no contact, fell back to contact as I wanted to know the truth of all the bad things she did (affair with another for past year, moved in with another for two months, a few randoms, the thing in common with all these men was cocaine and sex) and have found the courage to block her again and will continue to do so. Interestingly in that week of phone contact, she tried to resuscitate the relationship and was a master at explaining it was all my fault, I did X so she did Y... .

[once removed]

hi Thegardiner  

sometimes i think ruminating gets an unfair rap. a lot of ruminating is the psyches way of processing the trauma and the grief, and it sounds like you have a lot of painful events that youre processing. thats not to dispute the notion that its not healthy over the long run, it can certainly become debilitating, and even self perpetuating (ruminating leading to more ruminating) and thats a sign that its time to at the very least, manage our ruminations. im just suggesting that at one month, its very common; try not to kick yourself too much. have you tried putting any of these thoughts to paper? i found that helped me.

we do have tools for dealing with ruminations that you might find useful: TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations  

[HurtinNW]

I do this too, all the time.

Once thing that is helping is whenever I am ruminating I tell myself "I am ruminating." Simple but it stops it. Then I ask myself what is the feeling? Usually hurt, or anger. I try to let myself feel the emotion.

My therapist also has me looking for clarity. So say I am ruminating over the awful things he said. I look for clarity. I ask myself, is what he said about you true? I think of how it isn't true. That helps me find my reality a bit better after all the abuse. Which in turn seems to be reducing the ruminations.

I tend to wake up every night around 3am, ruminating. That's when it is especially hard. I am a little over one month out and some things are hitting me harder than ever. Sometimes I get up and read the tools here.

The tools one removed posted was really helpful for me. Keep reading all the tools, they help!

[Thegardiner]

I am waking at 3am every morning too! It's comforting that you too at the one month point are the same. I too read as much as I can on this site, my post this morning was 3am (Au) I will certainly try as you suggested. Thank you


[/quote]

I do this too, all the time.

Once thing that is helping is whenever I am ruminating I tell myself "I am ruminating." Simple but it stops it. Then I ask myself what is the feeling? Usually hurt, or anger. I try to let myself feel the emotion.

My therapist also has me looking for clarity. So say I am ruminating over the awful things he said. I look for clarity. I ask myself, is what he said about you true? I think of how it isn't true. That helps me find my reality a bit better after all the abuse. Which in turn seems to be reducing the ruminations.

I tend to wake up every night around 3am, ruminating. That's when it is especially hard. I am a little over one month out and some things are hitting me harder than ever. Sometimes I get up and read the tools here.

The tools one removed posted was really helpful for me. Keep reading all the tools, they help!

[MandyS]

My sympathy is with you. I found ruminating physically painful after a while, like my head was going to burst into flames. I like the suggestions above and have also found that time, strict

NC and a whole lot of self-care has helped. Best to you.

[lingering]

hi Thegardiner  

sometimes i think ruminating gets an unfair rap. a lot of ruminating is the psyches way of processing the trauma and the grief, and it sounds like you have a lot of painful events that youre processing. thats not to dispute the notion that its not healthy over the long run, it can certainly become debilitating, and even self perpetuating (ruminating leading to more ruminating) and thats a sign that its time to at the very least, manage our ruminations. im just suggesting that at one month, its very common; try not to kick yourself too much. have you tried putting any of these thoughts to paper? i found that helped me.

we do have tools for dealing with ruminations that you might find useful: TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations  

I've been ruminating too … Just over six weeks in. I appreciate this perspective that it may not be pathological. Seeing a counselor tomorrow. Looking forward to that!