Am I crazy?

[HurtIII]

Gonna give it a try... .and hope/pray that it helps.

[HurtIII]

Crap... .cant believe it. had a few drinks, couldnt stop thinking about her, got a little upset, and ended up sending her text message. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

[once removed]

try not to kick yourself, HurtIII. the truth is, sometimes we arent done until we are done.

what was the goal behind the text message?

[HurtIII]

Asked for the messages she was apparently sent from this hacker... .no response was given, but was frustrated with myself because it really doesnt matter if she received messages or not. She is done with me and I should accept that. The check-in messages, the worrying about her, the thoughts of her already having someone else, the notion that she is happier without me, the realization that it was all an illusion, etc.etc. etc. are all self-defeating efforts keeping me tied to her. Heart is already goen and now Im losing my mind... .

[HurtIII]

And today Im running into her coworker friends in the hallways and am definitely getting the cold shoulder

[HurtinNW]

My ex has done his best to turn mutual friends against me as well. Every time he broke up and now most certainly. It's really hard. Is there any way you can take some time off work? I wish I could. Go travel, take a vacation. If not the music idea from woundedbibi is a great one. Try to change your routines. Do lots and lots of self care. Go to the gym, take walks on your lunch break. Do have any friends you can check in with? Or come here and post. We can have a contest who is posting more   

[HurtIII]

Yeah, been doing all of that! Bout to go on second weekend excursion since breakup, walk very day during lunch, music, happy hours, etc. It's just I realize my name and reputation are being damaged at work. These aren't mutual friends just coworkers, so there is nothing stopping them from gossiping to rest of agency

[HurtinNW]

That's hard. I'm trying to remind myself that most people will lose interest in awhile. Eventually they will get tired of the badmouthing and look askance at the person doing it. Our exes are not building respect for themselves. Personally, having people respect me is important to me, so I am taking the higher road.

Don't assume it is impacting your reputation, especially for the long-term. People move on.

Good work on the self care and keeping busy!

[HurtIII]

Will keep trying... .and BTW, like the idea of seeing who can post the most. Have a ton of emotions to get out and process so... .Youre on!

[WoundedBibi]

Yeah, been doing all of that! Bout to go on second weekend excursion since breakup, walk very day during lunch, music, happy hours, etc. It's just I realize my name and reputation are being damaged at work. These aren't mutual friends just coworkers, so there is nothing stopping  them from gossiping to rest of agency

I am so sorry HurtIII, I know exactly how you feel...

Keep on doing what you're doing. Be normal to your coworkers, friendly but not overly so. Pretend nothing has happened. If they are just gossiping it will die down.

My friends say not to worry as it will die down (especially for me because a year will have past when I get back) but I am still scared. For me it wasn't just gossip it was a smear campaign. And he might have spread lies that I was the cause for him getting fired. It had nothing to do with me but still. I his mind, I'm the devil's sister. And his flying monkeys believe anything he says. My friends got the impression he's been hanging out less with the monkeys lately and now that he just got a really cool job     I hope he will actually hire some of the monkeys at this new place.

Despite me taking the high road and never discussing what happened with my ex beyond my trusted circle of 3 of very adult friends and coworkers I know my reputation and career have been damaged. I should have known better than to start a relationship with a colleague.

I guess what doesn't help in my situation is that I always avoided the people he chose to be friends with because I didn't like them. My gut told me to avoid them before he ever came to work there. Especially one who always has this really infuriating and off putting and cruel thing where she laughs when people get hurt. Whether it is physical or emotional. That for me was a real  I didn't know what do with when in the relationship, that his friends (flying monkeys) were people I wanted to avoid like the plague.

[Thegardiner]

Sorry to break into the competition... .l

Today is five weeks of NC with exBPD and it has been the hardest five weeks of my life. Without this family I wouldn't have survived. Just a couple of thoughts;

At the end of week three, I had to contact her as a parcel of her belongings I sent via courier had three failed delivery attempts. Of course that then opened the door for communication, I couldn't help myself although knew it was going to end in more hurt, my motivation was to get the truth about the other men she cheated with, the extent of the cocaine use and the combination of both. So I thought I had basically worked it out... .Was I wrong! It was a million times worse. She agreed to tell me in order to recycle, I must say I manipulated and agreed to recycle in order to get what I want (note: I have read that the non can take on some of the BPD traits -true!). At the end of five days contact, it was obvious that the cycle was going to start all over again and she would do anything to get me back. I went back to NC.

Lessons I learnt:

1. It will never work, recycle - fail, recycle - fail... .It just won't work. It was hard to get that through to myself but when I did it really helped.

2. Knowing the truth doesn't work to recycle or detach, refer to point 1. If you really need to know, it's fair to assume it's everything you feel it is (texts never existed etc) and probably worse.

3. She has smeared me to her family and friends, it seems I'm the cause of her last f*** up sex/cocaine lifestyle (hidden from me) so... .Really who cares. I know the truth and ultimately she will burn her flying monkeys and their eyes will open. As suggested, hold your head high and be kind to yourself.

4. It does get better everyday, I ruminate lots, hang on the things she said, definitely love her still, however I gave myself permission to use my head a bot more.

5. Refer point 1.

I feel your pain, I know it too well, I awake at 4am every morning and dive for this site... .Read read read everything here, do the lessons, it really helps. And find a trusted friend to share everything with, if someone else really understands and you can share, it really helps. Avoid the pity party or painting them black, remember they are seriously ill. It is the illness and that's why point 1. Worked for me.

[HurtIII]

So, took a little weekend trip to Florida in hopes of catching a mental break. Trip was ok, but still having problems with letting this go. Found myself reliving all of the things that were said/done and trying to process them all over again. The moments of lucidity, the distorted thinking, and then the fights. Thinking about all of the flawed logic in her arguments and how none of them ever made sense. In fact, told the story to a close friend and he was shocked by how my distorted and irrational MY thinking had become. Didnt even realize it, but he may be right. Maybe I was soo enmeshed that I actually took on some of her traits and now I left with trying to figure out how to get me back.  Do/Did I love her? Was there any truth to our relationship? Did I really miss some major red flags? Who knows. My head tells me that it would have never worked, but my heart still believes a relationship was possible

[HurtIII]

And now, Im back at work. Not feeling any better or worse, but here. Cant really concentrate and cant help but wonder if she is  even thinking bout me at all. Just ran into her (conveniently) in the building and the "dont even acknowledge him" method is in full bloom. Heart still drops when I see her and really miss the good times. Im a mess... .again