I need a birthday hug... :)

[londons]

hi folks.  i am four months separated from my BPD husband.  i asked him to leave in january due to use of valium when he is an addict, continual lies and making risky choices that are against the law.  we were together 9 years, and i continue to love this man with all my heart.  he was to seek help during this 6 month break from each other.  instead, he found a replacement ("i have a girlfriend that i love very much " was texted to me 2 weeks ago.)  tore my heart out, because i thought for 9 years that no one had a love like ours.  my friends and family are no longer fans of his, because they have witnessed me crying, pretty much all day every day, since january.  it was hard just being away from him, but it is especially difficult now that i know he is in the arms of another, and that came out of no where!  even his family is in shock.  everyone sees this objectively, telling me i deserve to be treated well, i will be a blessing in someone's life, etc.  i am the only one warped enough to still love him.  maybe it is that he is the most handsome man i have ever seen, maybe it is because of what i thought we had, maybe it because he brainwashed me into thinking he was someone he is not.  bottom line, i am taking one hour at a time.  i look forward to the day when i dont cry or meltdown.  today is my birthday!   my mom has called and then my 22 year old daughter ( and there will be other family members calling... .)  i picked up the phone and balled.   then, they did the same.  this man's ability to destroy hearts is having a dominoes effect... . i feel for my family that they have to endure my pain.  worse yet, i am sitting by my computer hoping, wishing, believing he may send me a happy birthday wish!   how insane is that?  i know how crazy that is, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel this way... .  he always made my birthday day very special, and now, nothing.   so hard to bear.  he cannot text or call, nor can i, it is blocked.   email is the only way he could communicate.  thus, my continual checking of my inbox.  i will be upset if he doesnt send a wish, i will be upset if he has the nerve to send a wish.  it's a lose lose situation and i need some encouragement to enjoy this day, to appreciate the wonderful wishes i will receive, and stop obsessing about this man who has caused more pain than joy. i hope to check back on THIS site throughout the day, instead of my e mails, as i know you understand my pain. thank you.

[JerryRG]

Hello londons

   

[londons]

hi jerry... .  you made me chuckle!  thanks for letting me vent.  i teach physical education to first thru fifth graders, and they too, will make me chuckle today.  i am praying my ex does not rob me of a smile or two today.  cake always helps, too .