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Author Topic: Thank you Facebook memories  (Read 465 times)
hope2727
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« on: May 26, 2016, 09:32:49 AM »

So this thread is for everyone suffering the throes of a BPD breakup. Looking at their Facebook will devastate you. It certainly did for me. I blocked him and tried had not to weaken and peek.  Once I was strong enough (about 18 months) I unblocked. Was there method to this madness?   Yes.

I wanted the memories feed to activate the photos of my ex and me. Why you ask? I wanted to celebrate the good and let go of the bad. So it was mostly successful. Sometimes its been sad. Sometimes its made me smile. Sometimes its made me mad. However, this exercise has had one unexpected benefit.

Everyday I look at my memories for that day and guess what? For many, many of those memories I realized that I was deeply unhappy, miserable even, in the photos. Well what do you know. So there are all these happy looking photos where you would think I was out having fun or celebrating or just living and being. But nope, I was faking it for FB. I was miserable. :'(

There is the photo of me on a restaurant patio smiling looking pretty when in truth my friend had taken me for a drink and I cried my eyes out about how pwBPD was treating me. There was the photo of me studying for a massive exam the day after he broke up with me by text. There is the photo of me smiling and commenting how long my hair had grown when he had come back to me and left AGAIN. There are many, many photos of us looking so, so happy where we had been on a trip or at an event and in reality he was cruel and baiting and treating me like crap. Well guess what total tally of happy was ? ... .about 1 year. What was the total tally of miserable while faking happy?... .about 2 more years.   So to heck with him.

He is a loser and I am not. I loved and lived with my heart on my sleeve and tried to be an honest sincere partner. He was not.  It may be a tragic and horrible disorder. It is a cruel and miserable existence for him but he has every resource and plenty of self awareness to get the lasting help he needs. He chooses not to. He knows right from wrong. He chooses wrong. The end.

So in conclusion Thank you Facebook. Thank you for recording my image, words and emotions as a veritable timeline of my journey through abuse and betrayal.

I love my ex. I simply can't 'unloved' him. That doesn't mean I will gloss over the harsh realities of what really happened. This is not a bakery!I will not sugar coat the memories of my relationship. So when you are ready unblock and view your memories on FB. Start a sheet of paper, write the date and the reality of what was happening in those memories. May 5 miserable and devastated when he broke up by text and refused my calls. May 10th start counselling. blah blah blah. It has been super cathartic.

Ok so hugs and happiness to all of you. Its ok to love them. Its ok to miss them. Its not ok to celebrate the good memories. And its ok to honour how we really felt in those moments. It is however important to recognize the reality of the bad memories. Happy memory viewing.   
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 09:37:41 AM »

Excerpt
So there are all these happy looking photos where you would think I was out having fun or celebrating or just living and being. But nope, I was faking it for FB. I was miserable. cry

Hey hope2727, I was living a lie in my marriage by pretending that things were OK when they were definitely NOT OK.  I was too ashamed and afraid to admit that I was a victim of abuse.  Agree about the reality of the negative memories.

P.S.  I am uncertain why you want to subject yourself to this emotional "test" by viewing his FB page.  Time to let it go?
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
C.Stein
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« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 09:54:20 AM »

I have some of these picture memories as well.  A magical moment or experience captured only serving to remind me how much I was hurting at that particular time.   There are also many that were just good memories not tied to any strongly negative emotions.

I also don't want to focus on the bad, it keeps me in a dark place I don't want to be in, but I can't forget the bad either.   I think you have taken a big step here hope towards healing and letting go.  In spite of all the damage and pain these relationships have caused us there were some good times and we should celebrate these.  At the same time we cannot forget the pain and anxiety that we felt when things were bad or just looked good on the surface.

Good positive step forward for you.    
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hope2727
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« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2016, 10:02:25 AM »

It has been super helpful in my healing. Just seeing the reality of what I was missing so much wasn't in fact real! Wow. What a revelation. So yes it makes me happy to celebrate the good memories, it also helps me move forward to honour how truly unhappy I really was. Thats why I did and am doing it. It keeps me honest with myself. It has been very influential and helpful in my moving forward.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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bAlex
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« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2016, 11:34:03 AM »

This happened to me as well, didn't go well. 2 nights ago I had a dream about her and for some reason I just wanted to see her face. I looked at her profile on FB and saw she's in a new relationship, only 3 months old. Saw a pic of her and the new guy and all my emotions came flooding back again. Been walking around with a hole in my chest since. This is strange cause I saw her in person a few months ago and there was 0 emotion on my part.

That was me once... guy in the picture, and I know how happy she's making him right now. I feel like that should be ME... I've done more that enough in the past to prove my worth, but no, I'll never be an option again. I just want this hell to end, I swear I can't do this anymore.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2016, 03:01:57 PM »

Hey bAlex,  Suggest you let it go.  If your Ex has BPD, you don't want to be the "guy in the picture."  Suggest you consider yourself lucky that you are not an option.  Only you can fill that whole in your chest, not her.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Herodias
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2016, 06:05:55 PM »

Funny, that is just what we think is happening now with their new supply... .that they are so happy, when deep down you know those people are miserable too.
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hope2727
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2016, 10:25:13 PM »

Yup that was part of my revelation. So he looks happy with the new person. He looked happy with me too. For some of it we were. But for so much of it we (he claims he was and I realize I was) were miserable. So likely the new girl and him are too. Its been about the same about of time now for when he walked out the first time. I suspect eventually he will do the same to her. And if not? Well maybe she will put up with the BS. I won't. I have higher standards than that. Heck I have higher heels than those standards!
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bAlex
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2016, 10:29:20 AM »

Hey bAlex,  Suggest you let it go.  If your Ex has BPD, you don't want to be the "guy in the picture."  Suggest you consider yourself lucky that you are not an option.  Only you can fill that whole in your chest, not her.

LuckyJim

How do you suggest I do that Jim? This isn't going away and my efforts seem to be useless.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2016, 12:05:17 PM »

Right, bAlex, your efforts are futile because you are trying to control something (her) over which you have no control, which is why I suggest that you let go of the outcome.  Just be yourself, move on and live your own life.

As to the hole in your chest, in my view no one else can fill that for you.  It's up to you.  I have ideas about how to go about it, but it's your task to figure out how to do it on your own.  It's about looking within for your self-worth and value, I suggest, rather than to another person.  If you can be authentic to your true self, your core, the hole will take care of itself, I predict.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
bAlex
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« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2016, 03:09:59 PM »

Appreciate your input Jim. I'm feeling a lot better thanks, seeing that picture really screwed with me. That hole I would describe as loss, haven't felt that way for quite a while but the photo brought it back for days. You're right about the outcome part, I still would like to have things my way but I'm learning to not be upset about not having it.
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Leonis
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« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2016, 05:43:56 PM »

I love my ex. I simply can't 'unloved' him. That doesn't mean I will gloss over the harsh realities of what really happened. This is not a bakery!I will not sugar coat the memories of my relationship. So when you are ready unblock and view your memories on FB. Start a sheet of paper, write the date and the reality of what was happening in those memories. May 5 miserable and devastated when he broke up by text and refused my calls. May 10th start counselling. blah blah blah. It has been super cathartic.

Funny, I was looking at the dates of pictures of my ex and I (or just her). I did the same thing thinking about what was happening at the time. Of the two dozen pictures I have of us, I realized those were the moments I actually felt safe and secure with her. Kind of sad when you think about it. Over the course of 18 months, there were only those moments when I felt safe and secure with her.

The irony? My ex told me how she wants to feel safe and secure with me, but ultimately can't. She claims that she's actually relieved that we broke up, so she doesn't have to worry about anyone but herself and it enables her to sleep better at night... .whatever... .
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spooktor

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« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2016, 04:48:02 PM »

... .looking for your thoughts!

In reference to the above comments, i need some advice/answers in regards to Facebook memories!

On my Facebook page, i have not removed any photos of myself and my ExBPD girlfriend, spending our 3 years together.

All the photos were happy times, fun times, and working towards a future times. From my perspective there were no hidden agendas, or fake smiles, we  I also have nothing to hide from others, i am an open book.

But i de friended my ex, and her mother, for both their behaviour and deception

I admit it pains me to look at the photos, and it takes me to a sad place, full of pondering, what if and why's etc

My Ex, (whom is very savvy on the ' who sees what ', settings on facebook, so i dont know who sees what! ), also

has vast amount of photos, of our time together, romantic gestures, pictures, fun times with her daughter, and mother too!

Why would my ex want to keep those photos on her page?... .i mean if i have been discarded so quickly, emotionally and physically! surely, she would wipe them off so a new suitor would not see them. OR is it her way of keeping me on the back burner, and using the photos as a manipulation tool in some way or another.

thanks in advance
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