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Author Topic: Does anybody else have this experience?  (Read 1216 times)
jc1010

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« on: June 02, 2016, 12:07:09 AM »

Whenever you had talked with your former BPD partner after the break up, did he/she talk to you as if you were a child and he/she was this new, reformed wise sage. the more mature one? I know she's in therapy (i suggested it when we were together). its one of the worst things and its one of the biggest reasons why i cant talk to her, like she just talks to me like i'm some kid and its drives me f-in nutsssssss.
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freemanstrut
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« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2016, 12:16:43 AM »

Not so much talking to me as a child, but suddenly being an expert in problem areas that were nowhere near resolved. 

When together, 2-3 weeks after a relapse and going to an AA meeting every day she'd be cocky, like, oh, of COURSE I can be around alcohol.  Talking about how well she's doing while she literally has a bag of 24 hour chips.  Just blew my mind.

When broken up, it's all about the "perspective she's gained" and how she knows better than to X or Y now, and how much she's learned from trivial event Z.  An evangelist of personal growth and lessons that will be forgotten within a month.
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2016, 12:17:16 AM »

When my Ex was breaking up, yes she did.

Why do you still talk to her?
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JerryRG
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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2016, 12:20:00 AM »

My ex used to tell me she has superior parenting skills and this was while pregnant and I have 3 other children.

Yes my exgf had the talk a week ago, she said she loves everyone and we just didn't work out as if she had any say in my kicking her out of my apartment and my life. I broke off our last engagement precisely because she "cannot" love "anyone" and now she loves everyone... .oh yes she's nuts too, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

After any conversation with her my thoughts stir around in my head and after being with her a while I feel like I have ADD. Say WHAT!

Nonsense mixed in with some logic and then I try to pick put what I need pay attention too, reminds me of arguing with someone who's intoxicated, they won't remember a single thing anyway. Just a waste of precious time and energy.
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Leonis
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« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2016, 12:57:24 AM »

Totally. My ex told me that she felt like the mom in the relationship and I was just like  . Pretty sure I had to babysat her emotions for a long time.
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2016, 02:45:09 AM »

Whenever you had talked with your former BPD partner after the break up, did he/she talk to you as if you were a child and he/she was this new, reformed wise sage. the more mature one?

He certainly did, and I got sucked into numerous recycles (10 of them) by this because I thought he'd made significant changes and there was a chance we could truly work things out. However, with the exception of the first breakup, he had dysregulated and gone back to his previous self within a week and we'd ended again within 2-3 weeks.

Was he trying to draw me back in? Definitely. Did he genuinely think we could sort it out this time? Yes, he did. What hadn't changed was he hadn't accepted that he dysregulates and when he dysregulates he becomes abusive and his behaviour when he is in that mode is simply not acceptable.

I wonder what your pwBPD is trying to do? Any thoughts on this?

Lifewriter x
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jc1010

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« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2016, 06:41:03 AM »

When my Ex was breaking up, yes she did.

Why do you still talk to her?

i dont, i havent talked to her since march, and i told her not to call me. she used to call me when she 'needed' me because i gave such great advice. but she still doesn't see me in a romantic way anymore is what she would say and that she wanted me to play the role of a friend like we were before we dated. i just have been wanting to contact her as of late, honestly she's an addictive source of pain and chaos.

Totally. My ex told me that she felt like the mom in the relationship and I was just like  . Pretty sure I had to babysat her emotions for a long time.

can totally relate to this, it was like a full time job dude. she never said she felt like the mom in the relationship but she does now act like i'm an immature kid

Whenever you had talked with your former BPD partner after the break up, did he/she talk to you as if you were a child and he/she was this new, reformed wise sage. the more mature one?

He certainly did, and I got sucked into numerous recycles (10 of them) by this because I thought he'd made significant changes and there was a chance we could truly work things out. However, with the exception of the first breakup, he had dysregulated and gone back to his previous self within a week and we'd ended again within 2-3 weeks.

Was he trying to draw me back in? Definitely. Did he genuinely think we could sort it out this time? Yes, he did. What hadn't changed was he hadn't accepted that he dysregulates and when he dysregulates he becomes abusive and his behaviour when he is in that mode is simply not acceptable.

I wonder what your pwBPD is trying to do? Any thoughts on this?

Lifewriter x

i think she just uses me as for both advice and to make her feel better about herself. i haven't contacted her since march, i just have been wanting to lately but havent because she does this
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2016, 12:07:20 PM »

When broken up, it's all about the "perspective she's gained" and how she knows better than to X or Y now, and how much she's learned from trivial event Z.  An evangelist of personal growth and lessons that will be forgotten within a month.

Exactly This. When I got back with my uBPDgf she told me that the months we were apart. She had thought and reflected what she did wrong. She told me that all those months she was "alone". Which later I found out she was dating and meeting other guys.  

This made me realize that it was a repeating lie she has told her previous partners. It is almost like one of her main tools in her tool box per se.

They always lie for their own good. They are always in survival mode to make everyone else believe there is nothing wrong with them.

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SWLSR
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« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2016, 12:43:17 PM »

She talked down to me, I think she always did though.  I don't talk to her much these days, not really interested in what she is up to.  Maybe one day you can reach that place.  It may be best not to speak to her.
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Confused108
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« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2016, 01:09:39 PM »

Mine didn't treat me like a kid but after I went off on her when she discarded me she acted like I was the immature one the whole time in the relationship and that she was the only one who could control her anger and of course the mature one. Lol please !
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Leonis
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« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2016, 05:34:42 PM »

Exactly This. When I got back with my uBPDgf she told me that the months we were apart. She had thought and reflected what she did wrong. She told me that all those months she was "alone". Which later I found out she was dating and meeting other guys.  

They always lie for their own good. They are always in survival mode to make everyone else believe there is nothing wrong with them.

My ex told me that she was meeting other guys when we first broke up last summer. There was one date, but whether or not things went as she described is another story I'd rather not find out. Knowing her, she would be meeting other people, but I sort of doubt the dating aspect just because she's had the patterns of taking a relatively long break in between guys.

Survival mode is really how they operate. My ex even told me herself. Whenever perceived anger were to happen, she immediately turn to survival mode in order to avoid getting beaten; a remnant of her childhood. Told her to get some counseling, but nope.
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FigureIt
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« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2016, 10:22:54 PM »

Whenever you had talked with your former BPD partner after the break up, did he/she talk to you as if you were a child and he/she was this new, reformed wise sage. the more mature one?

He certainly did, and I got sucked into numerous recycles (10 of them) by this because I thought he'd made significant changes and there was a chance we could truly work things out. However, with the exception of the first breakup, he had dysregulated and gone back to his previous self within a week and we'd ended again within 2-3 weeks.

Was he trying to draw me back in? Definitely. Did he genuinely think we could sort it out this time? Yes, he did. What hadn't changed was he hadn't accepted that he dysregulates and when he dysregulates he becomes abusive and his behaviour when he is in that mode is simply not acceptable.

I wonder what your pwBPD is trying to do? Any thoughts on this?

Lifewriter x

I'm not completely out until the end of July but my uBPDbf has known I was probably done sic December and has been to counseling since then. He would dysregulate very often since counseling it has happened less but it still happens. And it did happen pretty bad 2 weeks ago. I didn't even say a word and he kept ranting on for 2 hrs.  He believes that the "nasty" is gone from him and that "that is not him".  Unfortunately too hard for me to believe.  He tried telling me how his counselor "Alicia" (cause they're on a 1st name basis) was surprised his nasty behavior came out again.  It also came out when he was drunk, which is mostly how it happened in the past. And again his counselor Alicia doesn't believe he has a drinking problem and told him he could have only 2 drinks (even though he doesn't stop at 2).  My educate guess is he has his counselor snowed & all part of his poor me drama.
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Thrive

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« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2016, 11:45:06 PM »

Dear heavens -- yes.

I frequently got talked to like I was a demanding, overly dramatic child. It's full on projection, and it actually has the effect of making me FEEL like that's what I am.  And yet 90% of the relationship was spent talking about his problems, concerns, latest drama or crisis, and shoring him up so that he always felt supported. He would also become very fatherly and assure me he was not going to leave--in order to calm what he decided were my "fears of abandonment." And yet--He broke up with me roughly 20 different times over such devastating actions as: being too quiet, being asleep when he called, and asking him to stop poking me. 
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2016, 01:09:51 AM »



I'm with you on this one, Thrive. My BPDxbf would say he was sick of our relationship being one long therapy session telling me I was the one on the receiving end, and yet, as in your case, '90% of the relationship was spent talking about his problems, concerns, latest drama or crisis, and shoring him up so that he always felt supported'. Mine also became 'very fatherly and assured me he was not going to leave--in order to calm what he decided were my "fears of abandonment." ' We broke up on 10 occasions over stupid stuff. He told me that my anxiety over the possibility of him leaving again were something that was happening in my head, conveniently ignoring the fact that he threatens to leave or cancel dates during every dysregulation.

FigureIt, my BPDxbf had approximately two serious dysregulations per week and 'arguments' lasted some hours, often overnight. His last rant by text lasted 36 hours. I cancelled a date because I needed some time for myself and I needed to reassure myself that I could change our arrangements without being dumped, I wasn't a prisoner to his needs. He cancelled dates regularly because he had stuff to deal with, but when I cancelled on him... .well, the rules were different.

Confused108, my BPDxbf used to tell me that I had anger issues and needed to go to anger management. His latest diagnosis was that until I could admit that I was angry, I was going to continue ruining our relationship.


You know what, having posted all that, I really am angry now because like you, Thrive, he made me feel that I was the way he said I was and I started to doubt my own reality. He really messed with my head and he had no right to do that.

Lifewriter x
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Leonis
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« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2016, 02:16:56 AM »

Confused108, my BPDxbf used to tell me that I had anger issues and needed to go to anger management. His latest diagnosis was that until I could admit that I was angry, I was going to continue ruining our relationship.

This is gold. That's exactly what my ex had been telling me; that I have anger issues. Even her dysfunctional family believes it. All my friends are like "what?"
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