So Stupid...relapsed and disposed of again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So it's been 11 weeks since I left. And what can I say. I'm an idiot... .

When my ex found a replacement we began a two week period of NC. I was getting on with my life... .until I stupidly checked my blocked messages saying he needed my advice. Being aware that he has overdosed recently responded and there I was trying to give advice for him and his already failing relationship. I did this trying to be disengaged thinking I was past this. I can do this... .them short simple contact began. Just the odd text here and there. Once again I was handling it. Or at least I thought. And then I get the fateful request "Can I call you." Me being me just didn't see the harm in doing so. But so said yes and then we spoke. It wasn't exactly the most interesting conversation but I took in every mundane word. All two hours. From then that small part I try to shut out... .that small hope opened again. The conversations continued... .including hearing detailed conversations about their sex life... .even though I politely told him I didn't want to hear that. Eventually I told him I wanted to end contact. That because I loved him I clearly wasn't "over it" to keep contact and respectfully wished him well.

Three days later I get the text "I can't not talk" "I care about you too much" "I can't stop thinking about you"... .I became his confident... .he told me how miserable he was in his new relationship. How the new guy just doesn't make him feel how I did. Then came the "I miss you" text... .and I cracked. I responded with the fateful "I miss you too." The next day I went to see him. Don't get me wrong I tried to keep boundaries up. Neither of us initiated anything beyond a hug where he cried on me. Told me about his woes on "being in love with two people." We talked about the possibility of getting back together... .that there would be a mountain to tackle but we could work together. But then he said he wanted to sort it out with his boyfriend.

Then this weekend he phones me crying. He broke up with his boyfriend. That they were spending time apart. But that he hated him. I went round on the Friday night. Once again just to be there. Show him someone cared. Nothing happened partly because he was too upset and in part because I didn't want to be the rebound.

The next day he was still hurt... .but then there was some annoyance at me. How I didn't seem to care enough. I questioned it. Said how I didn't want to take advantage... .that I loved him but it needed to be right. He seemed to understand.

Then Sunday came... .he tells me that he is having one last call with his boyfriend... .I ask how it went and he casually says he's giving it another shot. I told him I wanted no more contact.  That I didn't want to be 2nd place. And that it was too painful to stick around for now. He begged me not to hate him and that I was always the true love of his life and that he  couldn't bare it.

Last night I get yet another text... ."Are you ok" and I couldn't hide my frustration anymore. I showed my irritation of being second place and how I felt played and that was it. I get told I'm selfish, I'm the one playing with his head and I'm a stupid boy and that I should have realised that I WAS first choice... .but that me popping has shown him I don't get a chance now. I told him I didn't beleive it and once again I'm painted black... .

I feel like a total fool... .the weeks of reading. The boundaries I built stand for nothing. I try and be strong and he just finds new ways to pull me back. I feel discarded and worthless and a fool for not being ten steps ahead of where I should be with this. I've let myself down by then descending to his level

How do I stop myself letting this person who hurts me every step of the way pull me and use me like this? I'm getting more and more desperate for a way out of this... .

[harleyquinn]

So it's been 11 weeks since I left. And what can I say. I'm an idiot... .

When my ex found a replacement we began a two week period of NC. I was getting on with my life... .until I stupidly checked my blocked messages saying he needed my advice. Being aware that he has overdosed recently responded and there I was trying to give advice for him and his already failing relationship. I did this trying to be disengaged thinking I was past this. I can do this... .them short simple contact began. Just the odd text here and there. Once again I was handling it. Or at least I thought. And then I get the fateful request "Can I call you." Me being me just didn't see the harm in doing so. But so said yes and then we spoke. It wasn't exactly the most interesting conversation but I took in every mundane word. All two hours. From then that small part I try to shut out... .that small hope opened again. The conversations continued... .including hearing detailed conversations about their sex life... .even though I politely told him I didn't want to hear that. Eventually I told him I wanted to end contact. That because I loved him I clearly wasn't "over it" to keep contact and respectfully wished him well.

Three days later I get the text "I can't not talk" "I care about you too much" "I can't stop thinking about you"... .I became his confident... .he told me how miserable he was in his new relationship. How the new guy just doesn't make him feel how I did. Then came the "I miss you" text... .and I cracked. I responded with the fateful "I miss you too." The next day I went to see him. Don't get me wrong I tried to keep boundaries up. Neither of us initiated anything beyond a hug where he cried on me. Told me about his woes on "being in love with two people." We talked about the possibility of getting back together... .that there would be a mountain to tackle but we could work together. But then he said he wanted to sort it out with his boyfriend.

Then this weekend he phones me crying. He broke up with his boyfriend. That they were spending time apart. But that he hated him. I went round on the Friday night. Once again just to be there. Show him someone cared. Nothing happened partly because he was too upset and in part because I didn't want to be the rebound.

The next day he was still hurt... .but then there was some annoyance at me. How I didn't seem to care enough. I questioned it. Said how I didn't want to take advantage... .that I loved him but it needed to be right. He seemed to understand.

Then Sunday came... .he tells me that he is having one last call with his boyfriend... .I ask how it went and he casually says he's giving it another shot. I told him I wanted no more contact.  That I didn't want to be 2nd place. And that it was too painful to stick around for now. He begged me not to hate him and that I was always the true love of his life and that he  couldn't bare it.

Last night I get yet another text... ."Are you ok" and I couldn't hide my frustration anymore. I showed my irritation of being second place and how I felt played and that was it. I get told I'm selfish, I'm the one playing with his head and I'm a stupid boy and that I should have realised that I WAS first choice... .but that me popping has shown him I don't get a chance now. I told him I didn't beleive it and once again I'm painted black... .

I feel like a total fool... .the weeks of reading. The boundaries I built stand for nothing. I try and be strong and he just finds new ways to pull me back. I feel discarded and worthless and a fool for not being ten steps ahead of where I should be with this. I've let myself down by then descending to his level

How do I stop myself letting this person who hurts me every step of the way pull me and use me like this? I'm getting more and more desperate for a way out of this... .

[Rayban]

harleyquinn don't be to hard on yourself. I think this just another example of them throwing out feeders every once in a while to see if we still care. We are merely objects to them inter changeable, if one isn't working the way they want they go back to another. Use it as another reason why this person isn't right for you.

[Herodias]

harleyquinn don't be to hard on yourself. I think this just another example of them throwing out feeders every once in a while to see if we still care. We are merely objects to them inter changeable, if one isn't working the way they want they go back to another. Use it as another reason why this person isn't right for you.

Oh gosh... .I totally agree with Rayban. I am sorry you went through this... I did the same thing a year ago. We are totally interchangeable and mine told me so! He said "I can manipulate her and I can manipulate you!" He pretty much told me I could take him back after he had the gf pregnant! If you go along with the tendencies of BPD, what he is telling you would be the truth... .You are "first" but because of that, he has to push you away... .It's ludicrous, but the way it is. Don't fall for it again. It is easy to do I know. It starts out simple... .then gets you into trouble. He told you all about his sex life on purpose to hurt you and you let him. You have to hang up, stop texting and be done. It's all a game for them. Sorry to say... .Just say no next time or nothing. Tell him  to  call the new person, not you. That's what I did. You have to push them away and get your power back. Hope you have learned how it works now... .don't let him get to you. You will repeat until you learn. Even possibly with the next person. Learn all you can here and elsewhere and you will be able to handle anything that comes your way. Stop the drama... .unless you like it? I think I used to... .you have to be able to accept a bit of a seemingly dull life after getting out of this... .It doesn't have to be dull mind you- get out and have fun. What I mean is, you have been trained to accept this craziness as an exciting love affair, when really it is not love at all. It's manipulation and control. When you realize love is not taking care of someone and helping them when they play victim, you will be happier. What that is really is enabling... .you don't want any part of it. Keep studying. I have been doing it for almost 2 years and I still learn allot. It's insane it is taking me this long to recover, but I know that I will never do this with him or anyone else again. I have several bad relationships in my past. We need to work through our own stuff to get out of the nightmare relationship with the pwBPD... .Good luck!

[heartandwhole]

Hi harleyquinn,

I'm sorry you went through this. I know how much it hurts; something similar happened to me when I thought pwBPD and I could just be "friends," but since our relationship was long distance, I figured that we would hardly be in touch—just some occasional emails, for example. Boy, was I wrong.  :'(  I, too, ended up believing that his feelings this time were different; that they would last, that we were going to make our relationship work.

Wrong move, obviously, because the second breakup hurt much worse.

I think one of the reasons (besides not really understanding BPD), that I allowed myself to recycle was because I hadn't really grieved the first breakup. It had only been 3 months of separation, and we hadn't been together very long, so I underestimated the impact the relationship had already had on me.

If you can, give yourself a real time out... .more than you think you need, without contact, if you feel too vulnerable to another recycle. It doesn't mean you can't be friends in the future, but in my experience, one has to really find a mental and emotional balance before one can do that. In other words, if you don't change, then welcome to the next cycle, because your partner will keep following the only pattern that he knows.

You are not alone, harleyquinn, so many of us have been there.     Be gentle with yourself. I am confident that you can get through this and come out of it a happier man. Keep writing out your feelings, and most of all giving them the space they deserve. Your feelings do not define you, they are just giving you valuable information.


heartandwhole

[Meili]

I will echo what the others have said, don't be too hard on yourself.

I will also add that there's nothing wrong with trying something to see if it will work. Now that you know it won't, you can check that off your list and move on. Life is just a learning experience after all.

[harleyquinn]

Thank you lots guys. I was just completely taken aback by it all yesterday. I think being apart from that "flip" for so long just set me back when in the past that was learned behaviour I accepted. But I guess the fact I'm better today is showing that you can recover a lot quicker when you have the knowledge you've learnt.

I'm still angry at myself for reacting badly to his flip side. The only thing I wanted to do was show my annoyance and hurt from his discard of me by going back to his replacement and wanting to keep messaging me. But instead I just ended up reacting worse when he retaliated. Funny how I was the one playing mind games when he's playing with the emotions of two guys at the same time!

And as for liking the drama... .you hit a very good point there. I'm not liking the hurt but I guess I'm lost on the fantasy that we could make it work against all odd. That true love would prevail. Funny how it literally started with me saying "it can't hurt to reply" to me then getting hung up over a relationship that can't work. There's too much hurt. He was emotionally abusive and I walked out on him when he was at his most vulnerable (and most hurtful.)

I just wish that little bit of hope would die out.