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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: feeling low after discovering his new relationship  (Read 430 times)
tayma

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married - about to divorce
Posts: 30



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« on: July 08, 2016, 06:46:00 AM »

Hi,

I didn’t post anything or come to the board for a long long time.
The last weeks have been very hard for me and I don’t know how to get out of this horrible mood.
My soon-to-be ex husband has dNPD. We have been living separated for 2 years and half after almost 8 years relationship.

I’m in therapy and I’m (I was) doing good. I recovered quite well .
I’m doing thousand things for myself (a lot of sport, volunteering, photography and other creative arts, …) and I’m learning to respect myself and trust people again.
The past months I felt very proud of myself and sometimes even wonder how could I actually recover that well? Although I’m not where I want to be yet and I have many down period. Now is one of them, and it’s very strong. I haven’t felt that bad for months or at least one year, I’d say.

Back to my r/s... .in May, I finally went to a lawyer and started the divorce process.
My ex didn’t do anything and didn’t help at all, despite it was him that dropped the divorce bomb (I wanted too, but wasn’t ready when he told me).  
When I asked my ex to meet me in order to explain what lawyer said, he cancelled our appointment 4 times. The 5th time he cancelled, I got so angry that I started to cry at the phone with him. I didn’t want to show him he managed to "get" me again, but I was feeling so frustrated and so enraged that I couldn’t help it.
Eventually we met.  We had breakfast and coffee, he was  kind and nice, warm, smiling. I explained what we should do, which documents we need etc.  He didn’t show any regrets, second thoughts or so...  At the end of our meeting, I asked him if he was seeing somebody - just to know – he looked me in the eyes and said NO.
(I knew he was lying, because friends of mine have seen him around with a girl, and because  I saw a photo in facebook where she (new girlfriend) tagged him. Two of them where hugging and the photo description was a heart. My ex husband put the facebook_reaction “love” to the photo. Next day he called me to tell me he was cancelling his profile because facebook was useless and made him waste too much time and he wanted to concentrate on "self-improving" and "meditation".)
That day, the day of the breakfast, when we said goodbye, he hugged me so tight and he cried. He told me he loves me and will always do and that I’m a wonderful and special woman.
I can't stand the lying. We are divorcing already, why he couldn’t tell me he’s dating?

Anyway… Few weeks after this episode, I’ve heard from a friend that he was planning to propose to this new girl. He bought the engagement ring in the same jewellery we bought our wedding rings.
I was shocked. Shocked and angry.  
And, I know is a bad thing to say, but I litereally felt useless and betrayed.
And sad, sad because all the effort I put in these two years of therapy and on “focus on me” seems vanished in a second.

My therapist is currently on maternity leave, she told me I could contact her if I need. Which I did. But of course, is not the same as having a meeting face to face, and our email exchange wasn’t much of an help honestly.

Since then, I'm not feeling well.
I had periods where I felt low before, but never that long and that LOW.

In addition, few days ago I went to a concert. And he was there, with her. Kissing and hugging.
I’m sure he saw me and pretended he didn’t (which was impossible, because the concert was in a very small pub). So I took courage, and went there to say hi. He was embarrassed and nervous –I can tell-  but tried to look calm. My sister was there with me, we made usual small talk “how are you – how is work – your family... ” Then he called the girl (when we approach she went to the bar  so during our small talk she wasn’t close to us), and he introduce her to us – just by name, didn’t mention girlfriend, fiancée or anything.  I went closer to the stage to listen the concert and when I looked around few minutes after they disappeared.  They left the pub probably.

Seeing him with the girl killed me.
I’m not sure why, since I knew already and... I actually thought I moved on.
I don’t want him back. I don’t want such a draining relationship anymore, then why am I feeling so low?
Why am I having doubts again that I didn’t try everything possible to make my marriage work? Why do I still feel guilty? And unloved?
Why?  why now?

Will it ever get better? Is it really possible to heal?  I’m tired of having bad days/weeks.
I’m tired of ups and downs. I just want to feel good, but maybe I’m not capable of?

Sorry for this long negative post, I'm lost... Any advice is appreciate.

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gotbushels
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2016, 07:19:11 AM »

Hi tayma 

I hope you can find some support here Smiling (click to insert in post) It's really difficult and painful to get through these relationships with our partners. It really irritated me when I thought of the same tricks my ex would play with a new person. She got together with a new man at some point to overlap with the relationship I had with her. I had become somewhat accustomed to her use of men to set me off, so it was easier for me in this way. It's now too easy for me to mock her, insult her, and tell myself what a logically rubbish person she is. We all do well when we find some way to get that out. After that it becomes a choice. I encourage you to get there. It starts becoming a big relief. You can do it tayma.

It was painful for me to get through too. There are some below average days. It's normal to have those kinds of days. It gets easier. I encourage you to tend to yourself more on these days. Hang in there 
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2016, 04:42:00 AM »

Hi tayma,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. I know I would feel hurt in the same situation. Be gentle with yourself. No matter how much you've recovered, your relationship with your ex was a very significant part of your life, and there will be times when you remember (and relive) the hurt. 

I suspect that the impending divorce, which is a huge stressor, coupled with seeing him with someone else, triggered some of your wounds. Do you think so? It's very normal and understandable to feel down when the reality of a divorce hits you. You had that, AND the surprise of seeing him with someone else—someone he denied existed. The lying to you about it may have reminded you of the pain you endured in the relationship.

Hang in there, tayma. You are doing well, and a temporary "setback" never negates the great work you have done thus far. Uncomfortable feelings will always be part of our lives; feel them, respect and listen to them, and allow them to leave. They do not define you. 

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
seenr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 229


« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2016, 08:34:32 AM »

Tayma

I am deliberately avoiding anywhere I could see my ex. I won't go out to places she might be or to places like the gym etc. You are stronger than me - I would not be able to see her with anyone else and I'm a 42 year old 6ft male who should be strong.

Of course this has all got to you. It is a huge change and one that will take time to get used to. But look at the positives: you were strong enough to see him with her, you were polite, you are processing.

You are doing ok with this but are not giving yourself credit. Of course it must be incredibly tough and will be tough for a while.

Stay strong, you are doing well.
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tayma

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married - about to divorce
Posts: 30



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« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2016, 09:34:31 AM »

Hello,

thank you all for your replies, it's incredible how much support you can get from strangers 

I feel better already. I spend weekend reading novels, sunbathing and swimming in the lake - it was very helpful.


Yes, probably the impending divorce and seeing him with someone else are have a big impact. Is just that -I thought- I would have been ready for that, but I wasn't and actually I wasn't ready not to be affected.

I guess you got the point heartandwhole, my big problem IS dealing with uncomfortable feelings. They scare me. They shouldn't define me, but in my brains they do. 

Regarding avoid my ex, well I try to avoid him as well. But I live in a small town, so is almost impossible not to meet him.
If I knew he was going to that concert, I wouldn't have gone for sure.

I'm processing yes.
But the thing is... I thought I was at "next stage" of processing already, and obviously I am not.

Anyway, I feel much better than the day I wrote. But still is tough. Very


thanks
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Indifferent28
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2016, 10:26:53 AM »

It's going to be here for a very long time.
One thing you must force yourself to do, is resist any thoughts of them together. Never internet stalk them or any of that.

do your best to shift your focus to literally anything else when a thought of them comes into your head.
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shatra
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Posts: 1292


« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2016, 10:46:23 AM »

Tayma-- I am wondering--how were you able to stay clam there at the concert? Also, how were you able to greet the other woman politely?   That must have been so difficult to acct nice to him and to her?
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bunny4523
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2016, 11:48:36 AM »

Tayma,

I think you handled yourself really well and should be proud of yourself! 

I can relate to what you were feeling and the surprise of it bothering you more than you thought it would.   I was married to a non BPD for ten years and when we split, I wanted him to be happy.  I wanted him to find love.  He actually got re-married way before me and has been with her for over ten years which surpassed our married years.  I never felt any anger about it and I think it is because we talked, processed our feelings.  We parted on descent terms and genuinly cared and knew we both were good people, just not good together.

With my ex BPD, I can't stand his stupid fake smile and "fairy tale" stories of finding Mrs. Right now because he said and did the same thing with me.  Now acting like this terrible person that he couldn't wait to get away from is super disturbing.  I don't act on these feelings because I know it's him and not me but I still feel them.  I don't wish him well and I won't have personal conversations with him.  I don't want bad things to happen to him, I just don't want anything to do with his craziness.  Oh and I work with him so I see him often. 

I'm glad your feeling better after getting support from the people on this site.  They saved me!

Bunny
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