Realizing that she won't contact me

[kc sunshine]

For those of you in NC, when did you realize that they weren't going to contact you? How did you adjust to it? I realize now that I've been holding onto hope that she would contact me, but now the reality that she probably won't is settling in... .so hard.

[fromheeltoheal]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

[Indifferent28]

Kc Sunshine,

About a month or so in to strict NC. I would OCCASIONALLY get a meaningless text 1-2 months apart, but that was all it was. Nothing of value and substance, and it would give me some glimmer of hope she would come back.
Until I found this site, and read about BPD.

Now, seeing how remorseless BPD people are with relationships because it was "all in their head" basically, makes it easier for me to accept she isn't coming back. And if she would, it wouldn't be the same now, because I could never know if it was HER or her mirroring me.

You should repeat this to yourself, over and over again.
Yes, it is hard and yes it kills you.
But sometimes that anger is the only thing that forces you to move on.

[seenr]

For those of you in NC, when did you realize that they weren't going to contact you? How did you adjust to it?  

8 weeks in. She has tried to talk to me when we do handover of S3 but I refuse to engage.

I was assessing our relationship earlier - she has tried to reconcile in the past after 6 & 12 months. So she might again in the future. But her eyes the night she dumped me - I have never seen a human with eyes like that they were like those of a shark. Lifeless, emotionless. She spoke down to me as though I was a child and accused me that I would point her black in the coming weeks.

I haven't, I won't and I am focusing on me as much as I can. She said she wanted to move on to better things so good luck to her. I want to do the same. I think if she gets better than me she will be doing well. I have a lot to offer.

[Confused?]

It's not so much realizing that your ex won't contact, it's more so getting to the point where you realize you don't want her to. Isn't that the goal in detachment?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

4 plus years and she hasn't contacted me. I gave up about year 2. It amazes me that we don't even run into each other. I've always seen or run into exes at least a few times, not this one. I'm actually friendly, not great friends, with all my exes, not this one. Some people are so sick, be ready, she may never contact you. I was devastated when she dumped me, therapy and all. Went to HS, college and dated in our forties, she hasn't made one attempt at, sorry I hurt you.

[Rayban]

Just wondering if it was communicated that yow wanted no contact?  The typical response is don't contact me either.  If this was the case, it becomes a game to her.  Use that time to think about what is best for you. If the breakup was soft enough she will attempt a recycle or some type of feeder to feel you out.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

No contact wasn't discussed, the changing of phone number, blocking on FB, told me she wanted no contact.

[Sadly]

Hi KC
during our many recycles it was usually only a matter of 2 days and believe me I always prayed and listened and watched and waited for a text ping. This time is different, we have been 4 days NC and I dread and don't want my phone to ping. It just can't go on and if it does happen I have to fight hard to not respond, am very scared. Do you want to reconcile? X

[kc sunshine]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

I guess that would mean that things were okay, even if just on a friends front. That she wasn't mad. That she was open to me. .

[fromheeltoheal]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

I guess that would mean that things were okay, even if just on a friends front. That she wasn't mad. That she was open to me. .

So not to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like the goals are that you don't want to be with her, but you want her to have a positive opinion of you?  And if that wasn't true, if she says she hates you and never wants to talk to you again, what would that mean?  You mention you've been holding out hope, is it for that positive opinion of you, even though things didn't work out, or is it more?

[Hopefulgirl]

Yeah, its that thing where I hear my phone ping that I have a text message... .heart kinda lurches a bit... .nope.
Seven days isnt long to someone with BPD. Its an eternity when you are waiting to hear from the BPD person.
You start filling in the void of no words with thoughts that are probably not true.

Thing is, I always remind myself is that if this person was a mature stable adult he would contact me somehow and not leave me hanging there knowing I was in pain. Maybe this is true for everyone, silence feels way better than saying Im sorry.

In the past I tried to adjust to it by keeping myself really really busy, making myself not look at my phone for hours.
I dont mean to upset you kc sunshine, but in my experience the NC from him turned out to mean he was either actively pursuing someone else or bedding someone else.

[Indifferent28]

Hopefulgirl,

I totally know what you mean about the ping. My ex is specifically set on a particular alert when she texts. Everyone else, it is just a single vibration for a text. Hers is 3 long vibrations, one after the other.

Someone texted me the other day, a long message and it broke it down into 3 separate texts. So when my phone received the text, it vibrated 3 long vibrations, the same as her usual tone. My heart dropped, and I don't know how to explain the feeling. It was almost like a "let down" when I opened my phone and saw it wasn't her.

Even when you THINK you expect them not to, I believe all of us will always have some sort of odd hope, even if we know they're different people now. That's what attachment and unhealthy relationships do to you.

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence.
If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.

As the articles here state, most people begin to miss others when they're out of their life.
For BPD, it's the opposite. Once they lose the reminders of even remembering that person, then the heart grows colder, the mind remembers less, and it's like we never existed, more and more to them as each day goes by.

I think that's what tears us all up the most.

[kc sunshine]

Such good questions-- thank you for helping me to think about my goals. My goals/hopes are these:

Keep things open for the long game-- we broke up in part because I was moving and she wasn't ready to move with me (though she seriously was considering it). The break up itself got crazy and hurtful because she was seeing another person as well, but I think the big picture story is that it was my impending move that precipitated the break up. In part it was hard for her to consider moving because she had no idea what my life would be like there. My goal is to set up a good life in my new city, and perhaps she would be open to considering it.

For the short term, I would like to detach and reset some of the unhealthy patterns I had gotten myself into (walking on eggshells, etc). She is seeing other people so I think I have to detach anyway, and hopefully accept the situation.  

[hurting300]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

[neverloveagain]

Here's a short video that might help you out now  https://youtu.be/ExR_XNoUpD4

[pgri8684]

if realizing that she won't contact us is heartbreaking we have to ask ourselves what we expect from this contact.
I know now that this relation was unhealthy. She won't come back, I don't want to be recycled but... .
I was her active caretaker, I was very busy because her life was (is) a mess.
It's very difficult to switch between full concern and zero concern. She is on my mind.
Furthermore I'm stuck to the idea that she kept something positive from my actions. Her call or texting is somehow a proof of it (perhaps I'm dreaming)

[Hopefulgirl]

That's a great video you posted NeverLoveAgain.

I don't know about everyone else but feeling like I've been forgotten is what tears me up the most.

It's almost funny, when he went off with replacement about two weeks later he came to my house to pick up his things. I was calmly (trying) to ask WHY this had happened.

He said something like " You didn't call me alot, you mostly texted, and she called me almost every day". And I just stood there with tears running down my face and thinking, oh no I just got my heart broken in a hundred prices because I didn't use the phone enough?

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know about everyone else but feeling like I've been forgotten is what tears me up the most.

Yes, it seems so unfair, so cold, leaving us lost, confused and brokenhearted.  And that's because we don't have personality disorders, and feel everything.  Borderlines have a lifetime of practice dealing with emotions that are too intense to be soothed, like they're turned up to 11 all the time, so they've developed psychological tools to deal with that, including projection, compartmentalization, and cognitive distortion, along with impulsive behaviors to just make those feelings GO AWAY!  Feeling emotions all the way until they're processed is the healthier way, the only way out is through, and although it hurts in the moment, it always hurts for borderlines, so the tools are always needed.  Sometimes we may have wanted to shake our partner and scream GET OFF IT, but there is no getting off it when order became disorder so early in their development that it's literally who they are.  We don't want that, our pain is temporary, there's is permanent.

Solace intended. 

Scrutiny Hopeful: "I just got my heart broken in a hundred prices because I didn't use the phone enough?"

Projection, it's your fault, because clearly the health of a relationship is dependent on communication attempts and methods.  Sarcasm intended.
A story he needs to believe, the emotions stuffed away somewhere he can't feel them, the truth being he went from one attachment to another, most likely because it felt more secure in the moment, until it doesn't, and then repeat.  Objectively you don't want that in your life, and we're all here helping our hearts catch up with our heads.  Take care of you!

[StayStrongNow]

Hopefulgirl, I am so sorry what he said broke your heart. But BPDers will blame you for everything. It reminds me of the petty things that my stbxBPDw caused her to leave me. But then again it is hard to understand a BPDer their minds are so unique.

[Indifferent28]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

So do they think of us still?

[fromheeltoheal]

So do they think of us still?

Think attachments with borderlines.  A borderline must attach to someone to feel whole, and can literally feel like they don't exist without an attachment; those are feelings, not conscious thoughts.  And borderlines "feel better" when attached, and turn to the attachment to help soothe emotions they can't soothe otherwise.  If one of our exes is having an emotional event they can't soothe, and for whatever reason an attachment isn't available, we may pop up on their radar as someone who could potentially help soothe, as someone with whom an emotional attachment might still be in place.  So you may be thought of then.  And you can read countless stories here of borderlines who've shown up out of the blue, sometimes a long time later, and acted as if nothing ever happened in the past, everything's great, who are you, how can you help me, are you still attached?

Sounds cold and selfish, although we don't fault people who are in pain for being cold and selfish.  Borderlines are always in emotional pain, and that cheery idealization we're presented with is an attachment tool that is well honed by someone entirely dependent on their need to attach.

Standard borderline here, apply as needed.  It is what it is, and what we do with it is what matters.

[Indifferent28]

Wow great explanation fromheeltoheal.

That makes sense. It seems that going towards an ex is very common even of non-BPD people though, because they shared a connection at one time. I know people that run back to their exes during a break up or when they're feeling down.

Knowing all of what you typed, then I mean, I know every BPD person is different. But how would we even know if they came back, if it was for the reasons you just said, the logical ones... .or if they were actually in love with US and confused by the feelings they had for replacements?

It's all so confusing.
There are just so many what ifs and non-concrete behaviors. It makes all these scenarios so much harder to grasp.

[fromheeltoheal]

Knowing all of what you typed, then I mean, I know every BPD person is different. But how would we even know if they came back, if it was for the reasons you just said, the logical ones... .or if they were actually in love with US and confused by the feelings they had for replacements?

By staying centered and in touch with your gut feel.  Most of us here report that we got swept up in a wave of idealization, saw red flags but ignored them, enjoyed the bliss for a while, entered the devaluation stage, suffered abuse and disrespect, with little bits of idealization thrown in now and then that kept us hooked, and then we either left or got left, and ended up here.  And the entire time we were uncentered, off balance, and in the end tiptoeing around, walking on eggshells.

So what if we put all of our energy now into finding ourselves again, focusing on living from our values, both feet on the ground, clear boundaries and a strong desire to maintain them, and centered ALL the time.  If our ex, or any borderline, shows up then, do you think your bullsht meter would be pegged?  If I'd been in that place with my ex we'd never have made it past the second date, but guess I needed to go to borderline school, and once we've graduated we may not be too attractive to someone looking to attach, we won't seem susceptible, so they'll move on to future members of this site yes?

And there's hope in your question Indifferent, hope that your partner will show up, admit it was all a mistake, it's you they love, and cry and beg your forgiveness and take them back yes?  I obviously don't know either of you, but how likely is that?  Knowing what you know now?  I do know that many borderlines have come back to folks they left, and it's pretty much universally reported that it was worse the next time, each time, because to a borderline they've already been abandoned once, even if they did the leaving, and abandonment is the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so any trust left is more fragile.  So what's real for you?

[Sadly]

Very very wise informative response as ever fromheeltoheal. To be honest for my age I was so naive I wouldn't have known a red flag if it had been stuffed up my nose. I kept thinking he was suffering, missing his son, all sorts of stuff, my compassion, love and allowances were huge. It was only way down the line I read about BPD and all the bells started flashing. I want to believe he would realise he loves me, realise he had a problem and that I am not a "nutter" but I know it won't happen. It breaks my heart truly but I can't change it and I can't keep doing the malignant hope thing anymore. Hugs to you all   xxx

[Indifferent28]

Thanks for your reply.
Ive always listened to my gut, but my foolish gut also told me we would not have been broken up for over a year. I really thought she would've came back.

You say most of you felt uncentered, walking on egg shells, etc. What's weird is, my ex had all the BPD traits, but she was mainly just a very emotional being rather than mean. She never once cut me down or degraded me. She just began to smother me with too many emotions that she expected me to "help" and i just emotionally shut off. You can say, that I became the real jerk, because she wanted me to baby her and I just became cold because I was trying to protect my own emotional balance.
Then i did something terribly stupid, which hurt her. Months later, I guess this is when she painted me "black". But it was like a constant back and forth between white and black after the break up. But DURING the relationship, she never doubted her love for me, or anything.

And the new replacement, she just began "loving" weeks into meeting, and that person is someone she never would've previously went for. In fact, she has just become that person and has lost her job because of it, drinks heavily all the time, parties, has different goals.

When her and i were together, though she was emotional, she was trying to better herself. Now, no one is "harsh" with her as I was, so she doesn't try to help herself. No one seems to think it's abnormal for her to completely change, not those close to her anyway. My friends and her previous co-workers see it though.

I completely know why i sound i have hope. And I know I can't have it anymore. Hope is what has prevented me from moving on. And you're right... .the trust wouldn't be there on her side anymore, and neither would i be on mine now especially.  I would constantly wonder if I ever knew her at all. It just sucks.

[fromheeltoheal]

What's weird is, my ex had all the BPD traits, but she was mainly just a very emotional being rather than mean. She never once cut me down or degraded me. She just began to smother me with too many emotions that she expected me to "help" and i just emotionally shut off.

Yes, there are subsets of the disorder, in some places labelled Waif, Hermit, Queen, or Witch borderlines, the disorder manifesting in different ways, and other classifications include "discouraged" (with avoidant, dependent, or depressive features), "petulant" (negativistic), "self destructive" (masochistic/depressive), and "impulsive" histrionic/antisocial), and on top of that, everyone's different.  Your ex sounds like maybe the waif, or discouraged subtype would apply.

In fact, she has just become that person and has lost her job because of it, drinks heavily all the time, parties, has different goals.

Yes, someone without a fully formed self of their own will mirror someone else to attach yes, but also to take the good they see in them as their own, to make themselves whole, which is why borderlines can seem like entirely different people depending whom they're around.

I completely know why i sound i have hope. And I know I can't have it anymore. Hope is what has prevented me from moving on. And you're right... .the trust wouldn't be there on her side anymore, and neither would i be on mine now especially.  I would constantly wonder if I ever knew her at all. It just sucks.

The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, hard to do, but necessary to detach.  Do you see yourself getting closer to letting go of hope entirely Indifferent?

[Indifferent28]

Yes I do. Because I have to. This is driving me mad, and  I can't keep living this way. I don't see myself ever dating again truthfully.
But I would like to just be happy, and I can't keep waiting for a happiness based on her regretting everything and wanting me back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes I do. Because I have to. This is driving me mad, and  I can't keep living this way. I don't see myself ever dating again truthfully.
But I would like to just be happy, and I can't keep waiting for a happiness based on her regretting everything and wanting me back.

Yes, I understand.  As we shift the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future, and develop a compelling vision for that future, and then start moving towards it, one day at a time, momentum builds, and after a while that journey becomes our life, and we discover that 'happiness' is of our own design and we are in control of what has to happen to create it.  And then we are free.  And living from that place we are pretty darn attractive, and who knows who'll show up in it... .

[Indifferent28]

Your post goes hand in hand with the Law of Attraction.
In fact, with most people that ever get an ex back, they themselves say it was when they focused on themselves, just stopped caring if the ex ever came back, and then just lived their life. THEN the ex came back.

In our cases here, it would be a bit of a difference in situation if an ex came back, as they've changed so drastically.

Good reply!

[fromheeltoheal]

In fact, with most people that ever get an ex back, they themselves say it was when they focused on themselves, just stopped caring if the ex ever came back, and then just lived their life. THEN the ex came back.

In our cases here, it would be a bit of a difference in situation if an ex came back, as they've changed so drastically.

And if we've used the experience to learn a grow, the gift of the relationship, we've changed too.  In my case my ex would be unattractive to me today, and probably me to her, since I was not in a good place when we met and very susceptible to someone needing to attach to feel whole.  Amazing how our own personal growth also brings more mature, emotionally healthy people into our lives, because we've raised our own level, and it takes what it takes.

[Sadly]

Here you go Indi   you can share my letting go poem if you want X


It's time to let you go now though it breaks my heart in two
My life is being wasted as I wait around for you.
I would have gathered every star for you and wrapped them in the moon
Sprinkled stardust on your footsteps, danced to every loving tune
I thought that this was our dream but turns out was only mine
And I cannot bear the knowing now that we've run out of time
So it's time to let you go my love our paths divide at last
Please don't come running back this way, you know our time is past.
I don't want to see the flatness of your gaze as it meets mine
Where once your eyes were dancing fires so brightly did they shine
I have to let you go now and you must let go of me
I wish for you such happiness I'll not be there to see
But please my love just tell me did you ever care at all
Or did you always know then that one day you'd let me fall.
You will never know another who will love you like I do
But please I beg you do not call
I will not answer you.

Love from Sadly xx

[kc sunshine]

I think I am still holding onto a sliver of hope, though it is getting dimmer and dimmer every day that she doesn't contact me and is with her new girlfriend. How did others let go of hope?

The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, hard to do, but necessary to detach.  Do you see yourself getting closer to letting go of hope entirely Indifferent?

[hurting300]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

They remember who you are. You can't forget a person ever existed. When I broke up with my ex the first time, I remember her telling me this (when I saw you I started to remember how much I liked you). I will always remember her saying that. Do they forget WHO you are? No. They do however forget feelings I think.
So do they think of us still?

[Indifferent28]

Sadly,
Great heartfelt poem you have there! I think everyone on this board can certainly relate.
Great job!

Hurting300,

That makes sense. Do you think they ever undermine residual feelings for us, so they can feel better about their decision to move on?

[Indifferent28]

and hurting300, did you believe your ex when she told you that? and what happened between you guys after she told you that?

[steelwork]

They remember who you are. You can't forget a person ever existed. When I broke up with my ex the first time, I remember her telling me this (when I saw you I started to remember how much I liked you). I will always remember her saying that. Do they forget WHO you are? No. They do however forget feelings I think.

This sounds like my experience. After absences he'd say stuff like "I forgot how fun you are." Conversely, he sometimes said the bad feelings about our situation didn't become reality until I went away. I think this is a large part of why he refused to talk face to face after he dumped me.

KC, I don't have much cellular service where I am, but I've been thinking of you and feeling your pain. Hope is a ass sometimes. But only when its misplaced-- and you have to hold onto your ability to trust even when it's a source of pain. You will take your sweet, good spirit with you when you finally do leave this lonely phase of your life.

[Indifferent28]

Well steelwork and hurting300,

now it sort of brings stuff back to me as well. My ex and i worked together  after breaking up. and i remember her saying it was "easier to move on/not talk to me" when she didn't have me there, seeing me and being tempted to speak to me. That's why she'd be so quiet the days following the weekend, because she had adapted to not seeing me over the weekend.

Steelwork, what's your current situation with your ex? do you guys speak at all?

Do you think hope is the reason any of us here are posting? I know if i didn't have some lingering, i wouldn't  be here. as well as some people here probably.

[steelwork]

We have no contact at all. He froze me out once for a month, reconnected after I wrote him a letter, then froze me out permanently over a year ago. And yeah, I know I am still shaking off the last crumbs of hope. Trying to do so with minimal damage to my own psyche. How about you?

[steelwork]

oops, duplicate post.

[Indifferent28]

Could you ever forgive him if he did come back?

I am trying to move on now, because I can't feel this low anymore. We broke up a little over a year ago but since we worked together, we still saw each other and had communication. I thought we were actually building back up. We had began talking friend wise like normal again, and then she overnight jumped into a relationship with someone she barely knew. She acted like she didn't know why i was so upset those following few days.

Anyway, she was fired at the beginning of this year.
since then, we haven't talked, except maybe one or two meaningless texts. So about 5 months of no contact now.
I look at her social media even though we aren't friends but it keeps me stuck because each time i get a glimmer of hope from a post where she seems sad (i think maybe she misses me) well... .then right after, she posts something with the replacement and how in love they are. So it restarts my sadness, anger, and it's a never ending cycle.

It will always be this way unless i stop looking.

[steelwork]

I have already forgiven him. That was easy for me. But it doesn't mean I would take up with him again. (I don't know if I would.) it's just that I learned or realized so much about him (and us) in these months and months of silence. He's a cipher. And I don't want to be with someone who could treat a friend this way.

I did a lot of looking. Not that there's much to look at-- mostly just looking for any cyber footprint at all, and I am finding I'm less and less curious as he becomes "someone I used to know." I haven't been strict about it. I guess I felt like it was hard enough not actually writing to him. I cut myself slack on the other stuff. But if looking at her social media is really holding you back, maybe you could try a "diet" on that. Like, just tell yourself you will take a week or a month off?

[kc sunshine]

I have this problem with social media too. I am really struggling these days . It's day 9 of NC, one week since I've been back in the city we both live in. I guess that is not too much time, but it seems like it is getting worse not easier.

[Rayban]

I have this problem with social media too. I am really struggling these days . It's day 9 of NC, one week since I've been back in the city we both live in. I guess that is not too much time, but it seems like it is getting worse not easier.

I work with my BPDex, and it's been 1 full week of no contact.  I have to see her every day, but have managed to avoid her, and she is avoiding me. Haven't crossed paths with her and I'll try to keep this up.

The hardest part of no contact is the roller coaster ride of feeling strong one day,  and making progress  (yesterday ) and waking up today missing her and feeling weak. I'm working on changing my thought process and lift myself up.

[Hopefulgirl]

After being frozen out for a month completely Im considering writing to my BPD guy. From seeing what people have written about the effects of doing something like that Im kinda scared. About two weeks ago he clicked "like" on two fb posts and it actually gave me a glimmer of hope that he doesnt suddenly hate me and we can be friends on some level.  That's what it has come to... .seeing hope in something that bane.

I try to remind myself of his faults every day, but I still miss him so terribly. Emotionally, spiritually, hormonally (thats sorta killing me  )

One of the last things he texted to me was "you are upset, and I dont have the coping skills or patience to understand why".  I think like probably most people on this board think, Im just exhausted of trying to explain basic human emotions to this person.

[bunny4523]

It's not so much realizing that your ex won't contact, it's more so getting to the point where you realize you don't want her to. Isn't that the goal in detachment?

right?  I think some people are forced to detach and there are some that only part of them wants to detach and the other part still has hope.  That's got to be so painful and difficult.

I'm detached and very happy to have made it here.   It took alot of hard work and this site helped so much.

Bunny

[HurtinNW]

This has been one of the hardest things for me too.

In the past my ex would always contact me. A few days to weeks after one of his abusive break-ups, I'd get the apology email or letter or call. I realize now they were not real apologies. I'm sure he felt them, but is unable to really take ownership of his actions. But eventually he would reach out.

Not this time. I suspected this was the final discard and now, four months later, I know it is. I know he is not going to contact me. Eventually we will run into each other, and who knows what will happen. But he cut me and my kids out of his life like we were cancer. And he has done his best to portray me that way to others, as if I am cancer and awful and he saved himself from me.

One thing I am realizing: this kind of ghosting is yet another, bizarre, way to keep the dysfunction alive. It leaves all the hurt and resentment and pain right there, unsolved. It is incredibly immature and selfish, though I know pwBPD/NPD can't see that. It's up to us to heal ourselves and move on.   

[Hopefulgirl]

It's up to us to heal ourselves and move on.

The last thing I texted him was "Ive loved and cared about you and have never wronged you in any way but I consider myself to be discarded by you for the last time" and I regret that I wrote that. I actually thought he would message me back and say that he wasnt discarding me, that he cared about me and it was all just miscommunication and we would get together and talk after he got back from his trip.  I just got silence.  The ghosting doesnt make me sad any more, it makes me angry.

[Leonis]

I was at that low point once. Now, I wish she'd just go away... .

[kc sunshine]

I think some people are forced to detach and there are some that only part of them wants to detach and the other part still has hope.  That's got to be so painful and difficult.

Yes, this is totally me (part of me wants to detach and the other part of me doesn't). I think part of my problem is that I still haven't gotten to the place where I'm asking myself "why did I stay for so long" or "why was I drawn to a dysfunctional relationship." Instead I'm still mostly asking myself "what could I have done to avoid the break-up" and still kind of beating myself up for it. I see those other questions, but they seem to be off on the horizon! How did you all get there?

[Confused99]

 Detaching is the hardest thing for me as well. I constantly look at social media to see what she's doing. We were seven years married, divorced, back together, broken up, back together. It's been a month now and this  is the longest I've ever gone without hearing from her in those seven years. It is getting easier. Something I've done is a constantly look at this below what someone posted and it keeps me whole


1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 BPDs. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man... .
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... .FACT.

[hurting300]

Detaching is the hardest thing for me as well.

Buddy goodlove! Yes!

[hurting300]

  Hopefulgirl     

You should talk to him then. Really.

[Stripey77]

She will contact you, you can almost bet your last penny on it.

I was painted black, cut off, ghosted, told that I was deleted from his life and cancelled, and no longer existed to him.


For 6 months he walked past me without looking at me, was ignored if we were in the same room (we live in a very small town.)

He came back.

They pretty much always do.

I'm not telling you this to give you hope, false or otherwise, I'm just telling you it as a fact. I can't even take his current ST seriously anymore.

[TheRiddler]

Hey Stripey,

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so confusing to me.  Some people are so positive they'll hear back, some say so confidently it'll never happen.  It's been like 18 months for me so I'm doubtful, but then I read numerous accounts of BPDs reaching out after years. 

There has to be some kind of rationale to determine if they will or not, has anyone brought this question to an expert in BPD?

[BorisAcusio]

She will contact you, you can almost bet your last penny on it.

Personality disorders are not based on Asimov's laws of robotics. Some will get contacted, some not.

[fromheeltoheal]

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so confusing to me.  Some people are so positive they'll hear back, some say so confidently it'll never happen.  It's been like 18 months for me so I'm doubtful, but then I read numerous accounts of BPDs reaching out after years. 

There has to be some kind of rationale to determine if they will or not, has anyone brought this question to an expert in BPD?

Everyone's different, but think attachments with borderlines; borderlines seek attachments to make them feel whole, to complete them, and to soothe emotions they can't soothe on their own.  If a relationship has ended and a borderline is experiencing emotions they can't soothe, for whatever reason, an ex may pop up on their radar as a potential soother, and the borderline may contact them to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and if it is, even after years, the borderline will feel better, and may begin another idealization phase.  That may or may not ever happen, a borderline may avoid a previous attachment because of shame, or have consistent attachments that leave no reason to contact an old one for soothing.  It's also common for a borderline to show up as if nothing negative ever happened in the past, and for them it may not have if the psychological tools they're using are doing their job, so off to the races we go again, if we let it happen.  My ex contacted me after 25 years (!), excited to talk to me, wanted to know what I've been up to and everything about my life, yadda, yadda, and I went down the road because surely she'd changed.  Nope.  Sometimes it takes some repetition for me to learn the lessons, well, I learned them this time.

So what would it mean if your ex contacted you Riddler?

[TheRiddler]

Fromheeltoheal

I'm not sure what it'd mean because I'm doubtful she'd be completely honest.  Your thoughts are very thorough and frightening to me, because I feel she could easily have constant supply in this tech city and never reach out. Did you get this from a reputable source?

The break up was a bit rough but in the end I told her I loved her and she said she loved me, then we didn't speak.  So I think that softened it.

I don't know what to expect.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not sure what it'd mean because I'm doubtful she'd be completely honest. 

Yes, and what it means to you doesn't need to be dependent on her honesty.  You can make it mean whatever you want.  What I made it mean when my ex showed up after 25 years was that she'd changed and she really had been missing me badly all those years.  I knew on some level that was crap, but chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe what she was telling me was true.  And doing that caused major pain; sometimes I need to get hit upside the head to get the message, but I got it this time.

So what do you want to make it mean?

Your thoughts are very thorough and frightening to me, because I feel she could easily have constant supply in this tech city and never reach out. Did you get this from a reputable source?

Yes, this site and the recommended books; I'm an understanding-driven person, things need to make sense to me, and learning about the disorder made the confusion go away immediately, which helped a great deal, and although her behaviors were still completely unacceptable to me, at least I now understood why she does what she does.  That description was standard borderline though, everyone's different, apply as necessary to your ex.

The break up was a bit rough but in the end I told her I loved her and she said she loved me, then we didn't speak.  So I think that softened it.

I don't know what to expect.

Going back to the only thing you have control of, which is what you make things mean, what do you want to happen?

[TheRiddler]

I'd like her to reach so I can get some validation, that I'm not the evil person I was made to feel like at the end (and even now).  I still blame myself for the majority of our problems.  Also, as confident as I am that she's borderline, I still have occasional doubts and those would be squashed.

Didn't mean to hijack the thread.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not a highjack if we're talking about the thread topic, which we are.

I'd like her to reach so I can get some validation, that I'm not the evil person I was made to feel like at the end (and even now).

The good news there is we get to figure out how to give ourselves validation, internally validate, which makes all of life better and not dependent on other people.  And she really can't make you feel anything without your permission, which you gave her at the time, and she has to make you evil to justify whatever went down.  But what was real?

I still blame myself for the majority of our problems.  Also, as confident as I am that she's borderline, I still have occasional doubts and those would be squashed.

If she had a habit of blaming you for everything in the relationship, you're prewired to accept blame now, but again, what was real?

[TheRiddler]

Quote:  what was real?

I have difficulty knowing anymore;  I feel like if I'm trying to make myself feel better I'm just telling lies to avoid guilt and shame.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have difficulty knowing anymore;  I feel like if I'm trying to make myself feel better I'm just telling lies to avoid guilt and shame.

Yes, I have a tendency to do that too, it's called right brain dissociation, where we'll think ourselves out of negative emotions by bludgeoning them with rational thought.  And the other extreme would be doing everything out of the left brain, all emotion, no thought.  Best to use both, it's called wisemind around here, but the point is to think and feel concurrently, best done by being still, centered, balanced, unstressed, unhurried, and definitely not in contact with someone who is unsupportive.  And if we just settle into that place, mellow, thinking and feeling at the same time, what's right and what was real will reveal themselves, be unavoidable really.  And if what was real ain't good, it will be uncomfortable, but stay there anyway, process whatever's going on, fight the urge to overthink your way out of it.  Being centered and balanced is like a muscle, the ability to do that gets stronger the more we work it.

[once removed]

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