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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Possible BPD ex gf  (Read 564 times)
NewTring
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« on: July 09, 2016, 12:18:49 AM »

I'm about 5 weeks or so into nc with my ex.  

I went to a therapist n she mentioned my ex could have BPD.  After reading websites n "stop walking on eggshells" seems to me there's a good chance she has BPD.  

My questions are:
Does my ex have BPD?

How do I move on?

At the beginning of the relationship I could not understand why she was hung up n threw tantrums over little things.  She's 34.  She was very insecure always suspect I would cheat.  One incident was when I chatted with her friend n asked what kinds of things my ex liked.  Ex saw the chat n blew up accusing me of investigating her.  I was like I did it to do the things you like for you.

So here's what started our breakup.

I was living with her in Vietnam n after so many stupid arguments I took off in the middle of the night to my cousins house. She had taken off twice before.  She followed by taxi.  She texted my female cousin as she was walking down the alley at 2am.  My cousin didn't answer since she was sleeping.  Ex got mad my cousin didn't return the text messages saying cousin left her hanging in her time of need.

When ex got to the house, my cousin saw her call n asked me if she should let the ex in the house.  I said yes.  Ex got mad cousin couldn't just open the door but had to ask me first.  I was like it's 2am n we just got in a fight.  Who knows what your state of mind is like?

I locked myself in the room but she stood there for 3 hours and left.  She asked my cousin to promise to call her n let her know my whereabouts in the morning.  I woke up and my cousin drives me back to the hotel n I meet her there.  My cousin doesn't call her to tell her since my cousin assumes I made up with her.  My ex was mad my cousin didn't call her.  My cousin told her she had forgotten to call.  Ex accuses my cousin of lying.

We argued about this incident for a whole month.  She wanted me to cutoff my cousin who I give $40 a month to help with her daughters English education.  I also send back care gifts twice a year like jackets n shoes.  I negotiated to only take care of the nieces education n contact my cousin twice a year.  

We got into more fights n she wanted me to cutoff my cousin for good.  I went to see a therapist n therapist suggested ex could have BPD.  I suggested ex go to therapy which she declined.  I got desperate n told ex dhe could have BPD.  Ex blows up n ends the relationship again.

I fly over across the ocean uninvited to try to patch things up but she's still mad.  She's says because I think she's crazy she can't b with me.  I suggested go to counseling to resolve it.  She refuses.

She would blame me for treating her like like crap arguing with her n accusing her of having BPD.  The issues are with her mostly for being insecure n jealous.

It's over but I want to hear from others:
Is she unreasonable to the point of being absurd?
Does she have BPD?  
How do I move on?  Sometimes I still get depressed .!

Thank you.
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asphyx
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2016, 12:41:56 AM »

She definitely sounds like BPD with the extreme jealousy, projection (calling you the crazy one), anger problems, etc.

A good way to be sure is to read a lot of stories on this board. If they sound very familar to you, then you're almost certainly dealing with a BPD.

As for moving on, it will take time. I'm not at that point myself but it is getting better. Use these boards to vent and to learn more about BPD. It is a very complex disorder that can make no sense to normal people like us, it takes a lot of time to understand what was really going on.
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NewTring
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2016, 01:44:12 AM »

I'm also trying to present her side of the story.  Another point to make is she was living with roommates in Canada during the winter when the fight went down while I was in California.  She was lonely so that may have attributed to her tantrums.  

She says I should drop my cousin and niece to prove I'm loyal to her.  However she did say she would pay for my nieces needs say $50/month but I just can't contact them.

I had left her last summer traumatized by her odd behavior but we hooked up in October and she was on good behavior for 4 months until this happened.  :)uring the 4 months of good behavior we only texted and saw each other in person once a month.  Communication was minimal but once we talked on the phone arguments become more frequent.

Thanks for your reply.

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heartandwhole
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2016, 03:45:46 AM »

Hi NewTring,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Breakups are never easy, and if you are dealing with BPD, it can feel doubly hard. You've come to the right place for support. There so much information here to help, and members who understand the challenges you are having.

It sounds like your ex-girlfriend is very jealous and insecure, which doesn't mean she has BPD/traits. BPD occurs on a spectrum, so some will exhibit a lot of criteria-based behaviors in an extreme way; others much less.

Regardless if your ex does or doesn't have BPD, the tools on this site will help you understand behaviors that have caused you pain, and that knowledge will help you move forward.

Here is a perspective piece about BPD:BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I don't think it's reasonable for a partner to demand that you cut off communication with a family member. Enabling your ex's insecurity in that way will only alienate you from a support system and will not help her.

When you are ready, we have lots of tools to help you move on. Have a look at the right sidebar-------------->
There are 5 steps that will help you detach. If you like, you can write a post about each step as you work through them and members here will share their experiences and advice with you.

I'm happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist. It helped me so much when I went through my breakup. What else are you doing for self-care, tringuy? Do you get enough sleep and exercise, for example?

Keep writing, we're here to support you.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
NewTring
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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2016, 05:45:42 AM »

I'm starting to sleep better again.  Thank you.

I'm trying.   I gave examples of how she meets 5/9 criteria.  Either way, she's got issues yet blames me for not understanding her pain.  I would white knight the crap our to save the relationship.  Sounds familiar?

I help my cousin years before I met the ex.  My cousin is a poor divorced mom whose husband is a deadbeat.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2016, 12:12:02 PM »

Hi NewTring,

Yes, the "White Knight Syndrome" sounds very familiar. I found myself jumping through every hoop I could in order to pacify what I thought pwBPD needed. By the end of the relationship I felt exhausted, unhealthy, and anxious most of the time. 

After the breakup, I became depressed, too. It's quite common after a high conflict breakup. With time and the recovery process, you will feel better again. There is hope!

What other feelings are you dealing with these days, NewTring?

Hang in there, it gets better.

heartandwhole



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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
NewTring
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2016, 02:08:08 PM »

I'm bouncing in between depression and anger. 
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NewTring
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2016, 04:29:49 AM »

I'm thinking it over since my head is clearer. She's abusive and crazy to tell me to cutoff my cousin n niece.  My cousin meant her no harm that night and her "distraught" led her imagination to think my cousin was against her.  Her jealousy and insecurities kicked in.  My weakness for her enabled her to walk all over me.  I didn't draw boundaries.  But all in all, her insecurities are abnormal and destroyed this relationship.
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asphyx
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« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2016, 05:42:12 AM »

She's abusive and crazy to tell me to cutoff my cousin n niece. My cousin meant her no harm... .

My parents were extremely nice and supportive of my BPD ex, but she still said nasty things about them and threatened that she wouldn't ever let me see them again. I think they just get jealous that you care about someone besides them. They need 100% of your focus to be on them.

Meanwhile her parents were unsupportive, narcissistic, horrible, selfish people that abused her when she was younger and used her for money/favors when she was older. She still treated them like they could do nothing wrong, and if I dared said anything bad about them (ie. the truth) I would be met with unbridled rage. I can only imagine what would have happened if I forbade her from seeing them.

That's BPD for you.
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NewTring
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« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2016, 10:27:43 AM »

It's weird.  She told me if I cutoff my cousin it proves I'm loyal to her.  So it was a loyalty test to her.  She said she was willing to fund the nieces education which is only like $30/month.  However I could not contact niece and cousin.   It just all sounds weird.
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bunny4523
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« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2016, 02:02:53 PM »

It's weird.  She told me if I cutoff my cousin it proves I'm loyal to her.  So it was a loyalty test to her.  She said she was willing to fund the nieces education which is only like $30/month.  However I could not contact niece and cousin.   It just all sounds weird.

Your right, it is bizarre and I think you'd be crazy to cut them out of your life.  If you did, what would be next?  My guess is anytime there was a threat, real or not, she would demand that you remove it from your life.

I had the same situation - but my ex tried with my best friend, her husband, my mom, my brother... .slowly it turned to my kids.  I never agreed to cut anyone out but I did try to make more time for him.  Nothing helped... .then he would make up conversations that he had with people in my life where they supposedly offended him.  I know my people and I told him he must have misunderstood.  I didn't know about BPD at this point so it was super confusing.

I feel for you-

Bunny
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NewTring
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« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2016, 07:07:55 PM »

Took an online personality test based on what I know about her.

www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

She's "high" for BPD.

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid | High
Schizoid | Low
Schizotypal | Low
Antisocial | Moderate
Borderline | High
Histrionic | High
Narcissistic | High
Avoidant | Moderate
Dependent | High
Obsessive-Compulsive | Very High

URL of the test: www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

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NewTring
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« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2016, 10:13:39 PM »

I asked her that and she said my immediate family is immune.

So I guess anyone else is a candidate to be cutoff.  The more I think about it the weirder she sounds.

Excerpt
Your right, it is bizarre and I think you'd be crazy to cut them out of your life.  If you did, what would be next?  My guess is anytime there was a threat, real or not, she would demand that you remove it from your life.

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thisagain
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« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2016, 08:01:44 PM »

Lots of us have felt like our partner put us through "tests" of our loyalty. The way that personality disordered people think is very complicated. I don't think my ex planned the "tests" in advance in a calculated way, but she had such inner turmoil and conflicted feelings about our relationship. A few times I managed to pass one "test" but it was always a moving target. Very frustrating.

How are you feeling now - still between depression and anger? That is a totally understandable place to be when you're six weeks out. Hang in there and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It's helped me to learn more about BPD, so I could better understand how my ex was thinking and feeling. Helped me get past that dazed, head-spinning "what the heck just happened" feeling. A good place to start is BPD: What is it? How can I tell?
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NewTring
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« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2016, 12:09:06 AM »

Yeh I'm still between anger and depression.  My emotions are more intense than normal as if this is what a BPD goes thru normally.  No wonder she gets migraines easily.  I'm thankful for finding this forum.  It's helpful to know there's victims like me out there. 

I've done a lot of reading on BPD.  Basically it's like they are living with an exposed emotional nerve.  They are very emotionally sensitive.  If they are sufferers then go get help otherwise they are abusers.

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thisagain
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« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2016, 08:21:21 PM »

People with BPD have a way of dragging us into their emotional world... .I know I started reacting more intensely, even to things that had nothing to do with her, just because I was immersed 24/7 in her world of heightened emotions. It'll get better with time and focusing on your healing.

It's tempting to see BPD relationships as a simple abuser-victim dynamic, and there was certainly an element of that in many of our relationships. When you're ready, I'd encourage you to think about what other dynamics contributed to the problems in the relationship. BPD relationships are extremely complicated, and most of us have come to realize that there was a lot of room for improvement on our end too. Not that being mistreated was our fault -- but maybe there was more we could have done to lower the temperature in the relationship and protect ourselves from harm. It's hard to move forward if we just see ourselves as helpless victims who were abused once and could just as easily be abused again. More here: Are we victims?

There's a lot of misinformation about BPD floating around the internet, some of which can cause us more pain or keep us in an unhealthy place. If you haven't read the lessons and articles here, I suggest you check them out Smiling (click to insert in post)
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NewTring
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« Reply #16 on: July 15, 2016, 02:36:34 AM »

In hindsight I would've been on my guard and drew healthy boundaries.   Don't give in and enable her to see herself as the victim.  She just got way too emotional n blamed me.  I actually believed it was my fault. I did tell her to calm down.  But she didn't.  In two hours after I brought what bothered me she gave me an ultimatum.  Agree with her or we breakup. I did tell her I didn't agree with her but got weak missing her.  We were about to get engaged.  I shoulda let it be a timeout until she's calm but kept arguing my case and she did hers.
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thisagain
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« Reply #17 on: July 17, 2016, 11:13:54 PM »

It's great that you're thinking about all this! These relationships take a very strong sense of boundaries. When pwBPD get that emotional, they can be very convincing! I know exactly the feeling of believing it was your fault, and of arguing even though you should have stopped. It's really hard to understand what's going on with her and accept that she can't listen.

I don't think it was 'our fault' either. But most of us have found that there are some lessons we can learn from the relationship, that will make us better partners in the future. You seem to be off to a good start here Smiling (click to insert in post)
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NewTring
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« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2016, 12:02:57 PM »

Learning to be better partners is one thing but I'd avoid BPDs all together. 
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thisagain
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« Reply #19 on: July 18, 2016, 05:35:56 PM »

Same here. But I've found that some of the communication tools I've learned here, as well as what I've learned about myself, can benefit me in all sorts of relationships and situations. Everyone has moments when their emotions are out of control, they're thinking in black and white, etc... .BPD is just the extreme.
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