Finally separated but need some guidance to move on

[See Rainbows]

Hi guys  ,

I've been on and off this board the past couple of years. I'm married over 6 years to a BPD husband, but have been in a monogamous relationship with him for 15 yrs. Though it didn't get bad until after marriage and living with each other. Well 6 years of fighting and pain was enough for me, and we both agreed we'd be happier moving on separately. He also changed his mind on kids and I still want them. So I moved an hour away closer to my work. And I'm starting to feel better again. It's lonely sure, but it's so peaceful not fighting every night. I'm loving the freedom.

So we have distance now. But still have to see each other on the weekends as we share a dog. We also agreed that we will still love each other through this and be each other's family, as we've been through so much together.  I just read about how important it is to not have contact when you separate. I'm not sure I can do this as he's been my main support all these years. Also with our dog we share. We've still been in touch daily, either by phone or online IM. Checking in on each other. It was going good for a while. We're both trying to nurse ourselves back to health. It's been about 2 months separated, but we still see each other on the weekends.

The past two weeks I've had our dog. So that means he was all alone at home with all the past memories there. All of a sudden telling me how much he misses me, loves me, and how he's reconsidering having children with me. Like he forgot everything he told me about wanting to be single. You could hear the pain in his voice. He was crying hysterically, like a 5 year old having a tantrum. Saying that I'm doing better healing than him and how I'm going to move on from him and meet other guys. Then the suicide threats come. Then he gets in the car driving down the highway, with the crying, suicide threats, telling me "bye, i love you" then hanging up on me, turning off his phone. He's done this several times in the past too. I never know if he will really do it or not. So then I get scared and keep calling him back making sure he's ok and telling him he can do this, there is hope. But now I'm not so sure I'm doing the right thing. Am I making it worse doing that?  Is this co-dependency?

Reading some of these articles suggests a harder approach and more limited contact. How do I separate with a BPD who is not only suicidal but has been my main support?  And also when we have to share our dog?  I don't want to get sucked back into his web or make amends with him. I want to move on. But also let us continue to support each other. Is that possible with BPD?  Any suggestions? 

[rfriesen]

Hi Rainbows,

I can hear your struggle to move on while maintaining a connection that is so meaningful after all these years. Certainly never easy, even if there are no personality disorders involved.

There are no clear-cut answers, but you can gain clarity by asking the right questions.

And I'm starting to feel better again. It's lonely sure, but it's so peaceful not fighting every night. I'm loving the freedom.

So, overall, this has been positive for you? That's great
 

We also agreed that we will still love each other through this and be each other's family, as we've been through so much together.  I just read about how important it is to not have contact when you separate.

Not having contact isn't intrinsically valuable. It's not a goal in itself. It's simply a tool that we sometimes need in order to move on. And it doesn't have to be permanent. Many, or most, couples find it easier to move on after at least a period without contact.

I'm not sure I can do this as he's been my main support all these years.

Are you thinking that he'll remain your main support going forward? In that case, it might be worth thinking concretely what you mean by wanting to "move on". Letting go of someone being your main support can be very painful, especially after fifteen years. If that is what you want, as part of moving on, you'll have to decide whether you need a period of more limited contact ... .

Also with our dog we share. We've still been in touch daily, either by phone or online IM. Checking in on each other. It was going good for a while. We're both trying to nurse ourselves back to health. It's been about 2 months separated, but we still see each other on the weekends.

... .because that sounds like a lot of contact for a couple that is trying to move on. I'm wondering what you visualize when you say "move on".

The past two weeks I've had our dog. So that means he was all alone at home with all the past memories there. All of a sudden telling me how much he misses me, loves me, and how he's reconsidering having children with me. Like he forgot everything he told me about wanting to be single. You could hear the pain in his voice. He was crying hysterically, like a 5 year old having a tantrum. Saying that I'm doing better healing than him and how I'm going to move on from him and meet other guys. ... .

It sounds like he wants to make sure you are, in fact, still his main support and that you'll play that role anytime he reaches out in need.

So then I get scared and keep calling him back making sure he's ok and telling him he can do this, there is hope. But now I'm not so sure I'm doing the right thing. Am I making it worse doing that?  Is this co-dependency?

Putting aside the label, it does sound like you're re-establishing for him that you will play that role of his main support and be there for him any time he reaches out. Is this a role you want to keep playing?

Reading some of these articles suggests a harder approach and more limited contact. How do I separate with a BPD who is not only suicidal but has been my main support?  And also when we have to share our dog?  I don't want to get sucked back into his web or make amends with him. I want to move on. But also let us continue to support each other. Is that possible with BPD? 

Before deciding what's possible, are you clear with yourself on what you mean by "move on" and "continue to support each other"? If he senses that moving on means you're starting to date other guys, that might well trigger his reaching out in need. And it might be very hard (or impossible) for you to build a relationship with someone new (supposing you want that) while also reassuring your ex that you're not moving on with someone new.

One of the most difficult things in managing a relationship with a person exhibiting BPD behaviour is that it can be very difficult to rely on that person to help decide how to move forward. You will have to decide for yourself what you want in moving on, what kind of support you're able to provide while still moving on as you want, and then a challenging part is to communicate those limits to your ex and be ready to stick to them.

Does that make sense?

[See Rainbows]

Hi rfriesen,

Thanks for helping me to see this clearer. One problem I have is perceiving him as a stable-minded person when he clearly is not. He has always been more decisive than me too which doesn't help. I know I have to take care of myself now and that is the way forward for me. I've just fallen into this co-dependent pattern with him for so long. In a way I feel cruel not responding to him when he's in so much pain. Especially when he makes me feel like I caused it.

It looks like I have to accept that I will not have it the way I'd like it. Where we are supportive friends and will do this together. I have to do it on my own and so will he. Hopefully, he will continue to stay alive and find some healing, and maybe still be friends in the future. A counselor once told me that I cannot hold myself responsible if he chooses to end his life. It's very hard to accept, but I feel I have to accept that more, especially if I want health for myself.

Anyways, thank you for your support and giving me an outside perspective on this. I appreciate it  

[Soulcrushed4]

Are you in IC to work through what you want or need to do during this time?

Also the suicide threats and calling back cycle perhaps is not healthy for either of you. If he is truly suicidal then I would recommend letting him know if that "threat" or comment is made again that you would enlist the help of trained mental health professionals for a wellness check. My BPD ex pulled the suicidal card numerous times and it was quite traumatic.

[rfriesen]

A counselor once told me that I cannot hold myself responsible if he chooses to end his life. It's very hard to accept, but I feel I have to accept that more, especially if I want health for myself.

Hi Rainbows, certainly that's hard to accept. However, the way you describe his threats, it sounds like clear emotional blackmail on his part. He might not intend it in that sense. Sometimes people feel desperate for support and threaten to do the worst to themselves if they don't get it. Whether or not he himself intends this to be manipulative, that may be the end result.

[lovenature]

Welcome SR

PWBPD make up their own reality based on their feelings of the moment, I'm sure you have noticed how irrational it can be at times. The problem I see with what you have said is that he is shifting his desires based on his fear of abandonment; most members have said that it isn't possible to remain friends with their PWBPD because of the feelings involved. I can tell you that I broke NC with my ex. because she was crying telling me she wanted to talk to me as a friend about her Mom, once I let her in she changed in minutes to wanting romantic intimacy, telling me I am more than a friend.
Only you can decide what is best for your specific situation, maybe an agreement who takes the dog ( I love dogs and can empathize how tough this is for you ), or shared custody like people do with children.

Try to think of what is best for YOU during this tough time.