Inside I'm about to lose it. I just can't do anything right. Nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing I do she can be proud of.
this is really tough. my partner was very prone to jealousy and controlling behavior, and i dont do well with either.
the trick here is to not JADE, to validate where you can, and not make things worse. in the long run, its going to bring you a lot more peace, but its not easy to master.
for starters, it will help to slowly try not to take what is ultimately an issue about her insecurity personally. from my perspective, she was demanding attention, and your message was inadvertently telling her it wasnt available.
So she tells me that she doesn't like it that I have to help people because some girls at the office may ask for my help. I tell her that understand that she doesn't like it but that's just something I have to do.
this message is probably received as "that sucks, but tough." it sounds like you were trying to validate her here; you dont want to throw a "but" in a validation statement.
She says oh yes that's your job but no girl would like her boyfriend helping other people. She said no girl wants her boyfriend having to help other girls. It is a mix of guys and girls at my office. I just told her that's just what I have to do but I understand why you feel insecure.
this is a very challenging situation to avoid JADEing and id be tempted to argue. "thats just what i have to do" may be perceived as invalidating as well. she stated she understood its your job. arguments can become circular here. you didnt escalate, good, but youre kicking the ball further a step at a time. ask how she feels - validate it. avoid labels like "insecure", she will tend to experience it as shaming.
hence:
She then went on to say okay I won't bother you just keep doing your work. I tried to tell her that I don't have to stop talking and it's fine fine but she kept saying no I don't want to bother you. I could tell she was pushing me away.
on the contrary: shes telling you she feels pushed away.
I took a couple hours to come down so I didn't say anything stupid but then texted her how is work going. She just said okay. I asked her if she was still upset about this morning and she said oh no why would I be upset.
id save yourself a lot of trouble. why bring it back up?
I love that my boyfriend is so busy and helps a lot of people. I said I felt like she was being sarcastic. She said no I love that you're so busy. I love that you want to help so many people. Then she said you can go back to helping other people I won't bother you. I swear my blood was boiling and I wanted to punch my phone through my desk.
she was being sarcastic; she was feeling resentful. let her. ultimately, she has gotten your attention, and your message is inadvertently telling her that this and all of the above is how to do it.
in response to your most recent reply, it is super hypocritical, but piggybacks on the point about immature ways of getting your attention. shes not doing it to make you mad. shes doing it to get your attention, and its working.
where can you make compromises as well as set boundaries? how do you feel about her not wanting you to talk or be friendly to any random girls?