How Should I Respond?

[Depression = 72% of members]

All, this morning when I got up for work, my wife stopped me and asked me if I was cheating or doing something different.  Her reason for asking this is because I haven't been trying much to have sex and not been laying up with her as much during the day lately.  She feels my patterns have changed dramatically.  For example, whenever I iron my clothes for work now, she comments that I'm trying to look extra good for somebody else.  She claims I didn't iron in the past while in the military but now (by her view) I iron all the time.  She also mentioned that I don't talk to her on the phone as much as I did while in the military.  I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around.  Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover (I know... .she comes up with the strangest scenarios)!  This all bothers me immensely and none of her recollections are accurate.

I have had ED problems for about 10 years now; me and all of the doctor's/psychiatrists I've seen during that time feel it's psychological.  However, she feels I'm either cheating or masturbating too much.  We've had marriage issues for years... .basically like a rollercoaster.  I believe she is BPD as she meets almost all of the criteria.  About 95% of our arguments are based off fiction inside of her head.  Anyway, I am not usually the initiator for sex although I am at times.  My anxiety often causes me to lose my erection during intercourse often so I don't try as much.  When I point this out to her, she blows up and accuses me of making excuses and it goes bad from there.  So now she's asking again as if I haven't tried to answer her before.  The ironing thing is bogus as well.  I don't like ironing but I iron now about the same as before.  Come on, I was in the military and we had to look good!  As far as the phone calls while at work, I'm not in the military anymore; I have a new job.  Why doesn't it occur to her that things are not the same from job to job?  She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or she magnifies things into something it's not.  I won't even comment on the other strange scenarios above... .I was embarrassed to type it.  I HATE talking to her about anything because she is off the hook!  When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty of whatever craziness she brings to me or I don't own up to any of my wrongs and think I'm "perfect."

I told her that I love her and I don't have anyone else or talk to anyone else but that's not enough.  She feels there is a reason I'm changing so dramatically... .either I'm into someone else or not attracted to her anymore because I have a "high sex drive."  So she wants an explanation.  I am literally exhausted from having to deal with all of the drama and false accusations over and over!  We've been married for 20 years and there are no signs of it slowing down.  She constantly switches up events and changes my words around to make me feel I forgot what I said or did, then rages when I don't agree with her recollection of events.  She picks fights over the most trivial things and blows up.  Now she's trying to convince me I have Wet Brain and need to seek medical attention.  However, no problems at work or with anyone else, just her!

[dacoming]

All, this morning when I got up for work, my wife stopped me and asked me if I was cheating or doing something different.  Her reason for asking this is because I haven't been trying much to have sex and not been laying up with her as much during the day lately.  She feels my patterns have changed dramatically.  For example, whenever I iron my clothes for work now, she comments that I'm trying to look extra good for somebody else.  She claims I didn't iron in the past while in the military but now (by her view) I iron all the time.  She also mentioned that I don't talk to her on the phone as much as I did while in the military.  I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around.  Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover (I know... .she comes up with the strangest scenarios)!  This all bothers me immensely and none of her recollections are accurate.

I have had ED problems for about 10 years now; me and all of the doctor's/psychiatrists I've seen during that time feel it's psychological.  However, she feels I'm either cheating or masturbating too much.  We've had marriage issues for years... .basically like a rollercoaster.  I believe she is BPD as she meets almost all of the criteria.  About 95% of our arguments are based off fiction inside of her head.  Anyway, I am not usually the initiator for sex although I am at times.  My anxiety often causes me to lose my erection during intercourse often so I don't try as much.  When I point this out to her, she blows up and accuses me of making excuses and it goes bad from there.  So now she's asking again as if I haven't tried to answer her before.  The ironing thing is bogus as well.  I don't like ironing but I iron now about the same as before.  Come on, I was in the military and we had to look good!  As far as the phone calls while at work, I'm not in the military anymore; I have a new job.  Why doesn't it occur to her that things are not the same from job to job?  She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or she magnifies things into something it's not.  I won't even comment on the other strange scenarios above... .I was embarrassed to type it.  I HATE talking to her about anything because she is off the hook!  When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty of whatever craziness she brings to me or I don't own up to any of my wrongs and think I'm "perfect."

I told her that I love her and I don't have anyone else or talk to anyone else but that's not enough.  She feels there is a reason I'm changing so dramatically... .either I'm into someone else or not attracted to her anymore because I have a "high sex drive."  So she wants an explanation.  I am literally exhausted from having to deal with all of the drama and false accusations over and over!  We've been married for 20 years and there are no signs of it slowing down.  She constantly switches up events and changes my words around to make me feel I forgot what I said or did, then rages when I don't agree with her recollection of events.  She picks fights over the most trivial things and blows up.  Now she's trying to convince me I have Wet Brain and need to seek medical attention.  However, no problems at work or with anyone else, just her!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

OK - sounds like BPD!

It sounds like you are taking control of your life well. And there's no problem with that - in fact very commendable! Of course ANY change is going to worry a BPD spouse.

She is expressing to you her FEELING of worry - the "reasons" she says are quite irrelevant. Don't get bogged down in argueing her "facts".

Remember, for a BPD, she FEELS an emotion first - then she "finds reasons" that support her feeling. Arguing or clarying her reasons doesn't change her feeling and hence doesn't help her any.

VALIDATION: Try to validate what she feels. Validation does NOT mean you are agreeing with her reasoning - but agree with what you can. The SET method is good - a SUPPORTING statement, then EMPATHY, then TRUTH.

So you can say: "It's true I'm not initiating sex as much - I'm sorry if that makes you feel unloved. It must be horrible to feel distant from me when we've been trying to be close. You know I have problems with sex, I'm trying to reduce the frequency to see if that'll help things."

Or: "I have been taking care of my appearance lately. I never thought that it would be unsettling for you but I can see with my history that it would. I'm sorry - I didn't mean to make you worry. I want to look good just for me - and for you."

(My BPD wife is so much the same. If I ask/show desire for sex then I'm pushy and aren't in tune with her, but if i don't ask then I don't care! If I don't take care of myslef then I'm lazy, and if I do then i must be having an affair. That's BPD! Yes it's EXHAUSTING - having to deal with the emotional pressure constantly.)

[schwing]

Hi dacoming,

All, this morning when I got up for work, my wife stopped me and asked me if I was cheating or doing something different.  Her reason for asking this is because I haven't been trying much to have sex and not been laying up with her as much during the day lately.  She feels my patterns have changed dramatically. 

It think it might be helpful to consider that your BPD wife's disordered feelings are going to occur no matter what you do.  Even though she feels that your patterns have changed, it is more likely that it is her feelings which have changed, and will continue to change as it does for people with BPD (pwBPD) in general (aka "affective instability".  And one of the primary disordered feelings she will experience is her fear of (imagined) abandonment. This is why she was asking if you were cheating.

For example, whenever I iron my clothes for work now, she comments that I'm trying to look extra good for somebody else.  She claims I didn't iron in the past while in the military but now (by her view) I iron all the time.  She also mentioned that I don't talk to her on the phone as much as I did while in the military. 

Another behavior that can be exhibited by pwBPD, is fitting their (disordered) feelings with their (distorted) perspectives; i.e. feelings = fact. So because she *feels* like you intend to abandon her, she will fit all the facts to accommodate her feelings.

I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around. 

Even though this observation contradicts the previous observation, both end up fitting the narrative she *needs* to believe.  If you try to look good, you're "cheating."  If you have "acne" and "strange odor" on your breath, you're still cheating.

Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover (I know... .she comes up with the strangest scenarios)! 

And once she stops smelling the odors, it's because you're hiding it and you're cheating.

This all bothers me immensely and none of her recollections are accurate.

None of her recollections are accurate because they are all biased to accommodate her distorted perspective caused by her disordered feelings. But trying to persuade her otherwise, would be like trying to talk her out of being mentally ill; you can't do it.

I have had ED problems for about 10 years now; me and all of the doctor's/psychiatrists I've seen during that time feel it's psychological.  However, she feels I'm either cheating or masturbating too much. 

Notice the trend? It doesn't matter what anyone does or what anyone else things. Her feelings dictate her facts and perspective.  She is in her own bubble chamber.

Why doesn't it occur to her that things are not the same from job to job?  She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or she magnifies things into something it's not. 

Because her feelings are not due to a misunderstanding.  You can clear up a misunderstanding. And if her feelings were not caused by a personality disorder, then her feelings and thoughts would conform to changing information in reality; they do not.  She makes you feel like everything you do is wrong because emotionally she *needs* you to be the fall guy -- she needs you to be the reason why she has these feelings because she cannot accept that they are disordered in nature.

She's in a catch-22. She doesn't have the emotional resources to accept that she has an emotional disorder. But until she starts developing tools to manage her disordered emotions, she will never be able to improve her emotional resources.

Because the minute someone manages to convince her that something is wrong with her, then suddenly in her mind "everything" is wrong with her and she will feel despondent (some feel suicidal) until her psychological defense mechanism kicks in and then she blames the messenger (or her nearest available target).

When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty of whatever craziness she brings to me or I don't own up to any of my wrongs and think I'm "perfect."

She is accusing you of *exactly* what she is doing.  She is "defensive" because surrounding all of her behavior, is the possibility that she has a mental disorder.  And she doesn't "own up to any of [her] wrongs" and she needs to see herself as "perfect."  Because for pwBPD, you can only be either "all wrong" or "perfect." And she needs to see herself as "perfect" and so you need to be "all wrong."

Again, don't try to point this out to her. You will only end up causing her distress.  The exact distress that her mental gymnastics is trying to allow her to avoid.

She constantly switches up events and changes my words around to make me feel I forgot what I said or did, then rages when I don't agree with her recollection of events.  She picks fights over the most trivial things and blows up.  Now she's trying to convince me I have Wet Brain and need to seek medical attention.  However, no problems at work or with anyone else, just her!

This is called "gas lighting."  I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[once removed]

When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty

as has been explained, this is all based on feelings and feelings = fact. dont fall into the trap of JADE.

[dacoming]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I needed to hear them!  Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind and even wonder if I am what she says.  It doesn't help when she always include our daughter (technically my stepdaughter) in all of out disagreements and she validates what she says EVERY TIME!  Sometimes I feel she feels forced to back up her mother but I think she is going to ride for her Mom no matter what.  She sometimes pours gasoline on the flames if she is mad at me about something.  I've even said this to my wife before and she turned it around to make it seem like our daughter always stands up for me to her and I don't embrace her love or something.  Our other daughter (stepdaughter) does the same thing too but to a lesser extent.  However, she has told me on occasion that it's easier to go along with her Mom or else it can turn bad for everyone.

[once removed]

However, she has told me on occasion that it's easier to go along with her Mom or else it can turn bad for everyone.

ive been in that position, and shes right, but if she feels forced to take sides, it does pour gasoline on the flames.

what about not participating in discussions with a third party?

[dacoming]

However, she has told me on occasion that it's easier to go along with her Mom or else it can turn bad for everyone.

ive been in that position, and shes right, but if she feels forced to take sides, it does pour gasoline on the flames.

what about not participating in discussions with a third party?

Often times I don't, she discussed our issues with the girls.  I have told her on multiple occasions that I think our disagreements should be between us and the kids should not be involved.  She has disregarded my feelings about that.  She argues loudly and berates me in front of the kids, to the kids... .it doesn't matter.  I've engaged and said things out of anger toward her myself and regretted it later.  The good thing is our son is not involved, although he does hear us often.  In the past, he has spoken up for me and she exploded on him and threatened to whip him.  She also told him to depend on me to do anything for him and threatened to not have anything to do with him, which hurt his feelings.  The crazy part is he wasn't taking my side necessarily.  We were arguing about situations where she was trying to falsely accuse me of something that he saw and knew what happened so he told her what really happened.  She took it as him "defending" me and went off on him.  I was VERY upset about that!  I told him not to get involved and not to say anything at any point when he hears us arguing in the future.

[dacoming]

Hi dacoming,

All, this morning when I got up for work, my wife stopped me and asked me if I was cheating or doing something different.  Her reason for asking this is because I haven't been trying much to have sex and not been laying up with her as much during the day lately.  She feels my patterns have changed dramatically. 

It think it might be helpful to consider that your BPD wife's disordered feelings are going to occur no matter what you do.  Even though she feels that your patterns have changed, it is more likely that it is her feelings which have changed, and will continue to change as it does for people with BPD (pwBPD) in general (aka "affective instability".  And one of the primary disordered feelings she will experience is her fear of (imagined) abandonment. This is why she was asking if you were cheating.

For example, whenever I iron my clothes for work now, she comments that I'm trying to look extra good for somebody else.  She claims I didn't iron in the past while in the military but now (by her view) I iron all the time.  She also mentioned that I don't talk to her on the phone as much as I did while in the military. 

Another behavior that can be exhibited by pwBPD, is fitting their (disordered) feelings with their (distorted) perspectives; i.e. feelings = fact. So because she *feels* like you intend to abandon her, she will fit all the facts to accommodate her feelings.

I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around. 

Even though this observation contradicts the previous observation, both end up fitting the narrative she *needs* to believe.  If you try to look good, you're "cheating."  If you have "acne" and "strange odor" on your breath, you're still cheating.

Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover (I know... .she comes up with the strangest scenarios)! 

And once she stops smelling the odors, it's because you're hiding it and you're cheating.

This all bothers me immensely and none of her recollections are accurate.

None of her recollections are accurate because they are all biased to accommodate her distorted perspective caused by her disordered feelings. But trying to persuade her otherwise, would be like trying to talk her out of being mentally ill; you can't do it.

I have had ED problems for about 10 years now; me and all of the doctor's/psychiatrists I've seen during that time feel it's psychological.  However, she feels I'm either cheating or masturbating too much. 

Notice the trend? It doesn't matter what anyone does or what anyone else things. Her feelings dictate her facts and perspective.  She is in her own bubble chamber.

Why doesn't it occur to her that things are not the same from job to job?  She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or she magnifies things into something it's not. 

Because her feelings are not due to a misunderstanding.  You can clear up a misunderstanding. And if her feelings were not caused by a personality disorder, then her feelings and thoughts would conform to changing information in reality; they do not.  She makes you feel like everything you do is wrong because emotionally she *needs* you to be the fall guy -- she needs you to be the reason why she has these feelings because she cannot accept that they are disordered in nature.

She's in a catch-22. She doesn't have the emotional resources to accept that she has an emotional disorder. But until she starts developing tools to manage her disordered emotions, she will never be able to improve her emotional resources.

Because the minute someone manages to convince her that something is wrong with her, then suddenly in her mind "everything" is wrong with her and she will feel despondent (some feel suicidal) until her psychological defense mechanism kicks in and then she blames the messenger (or her nearest available target).

When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty of whatever craziness she brings to me or I don't own up to any of my wrongs and think I'm "perfect."

She is accusing you of *exactly* what she is doing.  She is "defensive" because surrounding all of her behavior, is the possibility that she has a mental disorder.  And she doesn't "own up to any of [her] wrongs" and she needs to see herself as "perfect."  Because for pwBPD, you can only be either "all wrong" or "perfect." And she needs to see herself as "perfect" and so you need to be "all wrong."

Again, don't try to point this out to her. You will only end up causing her distress.  The exact distress that her mental gymnastics is trying to allow her to avoid.

She constantly switches up events and changes my words around to make me feel I forgot what I said or did, then rages when I don't agree with her recollection of events.  She picks fights over the most trivial things and blows up.  Now she's trying to convince me I have Wet Brain and need to seek medical attention.  However, no problems at work or with anyone else, just her!

This is called "gas lighting."  I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Thanks for your detailed analysis, this has helped me a lot!  I have actually read your post 3 times since yesterday and will do so every time she tries to make me feel a certain way.  I'm sure there will be times I end up feeling down and posting new events still but I know it's not me.

[dacoming]

Hi dacoming,

All, this morning when I got up for work, my wife stopped me and asked me if I was cheating or doing something different.  Her reason for asking this is because I haven't been trying much to have sex and not been laying up with her as much during the day lately.  She feels my patterns have changed dramatically. 

It think it might be helpful to consider that your BPD wife's disordered feelings are going to occur no matter what you do.  Even though she feels that your patterns have changed, it is more likely that it is her feelings which have changed, and will continue to change as it does for people with BPD (pwBPD) in general (aka "affective instability".  And one of the primary disordered feelings she will experience is her fear of (imagined) abandonment. This is why she was asking if you were cheating.

For example, whenever I iron my clothes for work now, she comments that I'm trying to look extra good for somebody else.  She claims I didn't iron in the past while in the military but now (by her view) I iron all the time.  She also mentioned that I don't talk to her on the phone as much as I did while in the military. 

Another behavior that can be exhibited by pwBPD, is fitting their (disordered) feelings with their (distorted) perspectives; i.e. feelings = fact. So because she *feels* like you intend to abandon her, she will fit all the facts to accommodate her feelings.

I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around. 

Even though this observation contradicts the previous observation, both end up fitting the narrative she *needs* to believe.  If you try to look good, you're "cheating."  If you have "acne" and "strange odor" on your breath, you're still cheating.

Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover (I know... .she comes up with the strangest scenarios)! 

And once she stops smelling the odors, it's because you're hiding it and you're cheating.

This all bothers me immensely and none of her recollections are accurate.

None of her recollections are accurate because they are all biased to accommodate her distorted perspective caused by her disordered feelings. But trying to persuade her otherwise, would be like trying to talk her out of being mentally ill; you can't do it.

I have had ED problems for about 10 years now; me and all of the doctor's/psychiatrists I've seen during that time feel it's psychological.  However, she feels I'm either cheating or masturbating too much. 

Notice the trend? It doesn't matter what anyone does or what anyone else things. Her feelings dictate her facts and perspective.  She is in her own bubble chamber.

Why doesn't it occur to her that things are not the same from job to job?  She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or she magnifies things into something it's not. 

Because her feelings are not due to a misunderstanding.  You can clear up a misunderstanding. And if her feelings were not caused by a personality disorder, then her feelings and thoughts would conform to changing information in reality; they do not.  She makes you feel like everything you do is wrong because emotionally she *needs* you to be the fall guy -- she needs you to be the reason why she has these feelings because she cannot accept that they are disordered in nature.

She's in a catch-22. She doesn't have the emotional resources to accept that she has an emotional disorder. But until she starts developing tools to manage her disordered emotions, she will never be able to improve her emotional resources.

Because the minute someone manages to convince her that something is wrong with her, then suddenly in her mind "everything" is wrong with her and she will feel despondent (some feel suicidal) until her psychological defense mechanism kicks in and then she blames the messenger (or her nearest available target).

When I try to explain my side of things... .she blows up and calls me defensive which means to her that I'm guilty of whatever craziness she brings to me or I don't own up to any of my wrongs and think I'm "perfect."

She is accusing you of *exactly* what she is doing.  She is "defensive" because surrounding all of her behavior, is the possibility that she has a mental disorder.  And she doesn't "own up to any of [her] wrongs" and she needs to see herself as "perfect."  Because for pwBPD, you can only be either "all wrong" or "perfect." And she needs to see herself as "perfect" and so you need to be "all wrong."

Again, don't try to point this out to her. You will only end up causing her distress.  The exact distress that her mental gymnastics is trying to allow her to avoid.

She constantly switches up events and changes my words around to make me feel I forgot what I said or did, then rages when I don't agree with her recollection of events.  She picks fights over the most trivial things and blows up.  Now she's trying to convince me I have Wet Brain and need to seek medical attention.  However, no problems at work or with anyone else, just her!

This is called "gas lighting."  I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Thanks for your response and terrific advice, I often do not know how to respond to her.  Your statement suggestions are what I was looking for!  Sorry you have to deal with this type of stuff as well.  We have to be strong people to deal with it all... .

[once removed]

She has disregarded my feelings about that. 

focus on what you can control. you cant control her berating you in front of your family. you can control whether you respond, argue, engage, or even stay in the same building.

do you know about JADE?

[Lilyroze]

  dacoming,

I am sorry you are going through that. It must really hurt to be accused of something you have not done, and same time want peace in your marriage.

I can't say whether she has BPD or not, and I am sure you have read many of the articles on here, as well as books.

I would just like to approach in a different manner for the moment for your consideration perhaps since you are looking how to respond.

As a non, ( falling into healing being in more a caretaker not a codependent role) I know how those conversations go ( not on your subject just life). I have a few BPD in my life that are very hard to deal with in their rages etc.

At same time I am a woman and do understand the emotional side as well. I am not sure how she will respond if she does have BPD. But I do know that many times women are looking for reassurance and that 90% of the problems in relationships according to research is communication.

Maybe if you can find both your personality types, listening types and important love language you can address it in a helpful way. To put the issue to bed and maybe more love in the bed.

There are so many article out there on blogs, news, magazines, lawyer sites on how to tell if a partner is cheating.
 
Many women are told :If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.

Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.

Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love. So even if she is not approaching in right way.

Many times all women BPD or not want to be your one be your only. No matter how long married, which I know you understand. I am sure you have tried to make her over the years.

Try to see if you can reassure, make her feel special and loved, she in turn hopefully feeling loved can bring back to your marriage what you both need.

Otherwise with no reassurance it will fuel her thoughts and that is truly sad if no other person is involved.

What I can say is if you both could focus back on the things that made you fall in love, not sure you probably already do that. Little gestures, date nights, flirting and compliments might help ( not saying you aren't already doing)

Reassure her, but at the same time she is responsible for her own happiness and feeling powerful enough in herself that she is what you want.

I know you can't let it become an issue but maybe the above approaches given a little try and time but yield you larger results in a happier marriage.

Hopefully after doing all that, if all else fails she can find her power back through self esteem or things that matter to her. To feel important enough that you wouldn't do that to her. Only that can come from her, but at same time there is vulnerable times in womens lives, signs and things that need to be addressed to help her get there.

As you know it’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are love-able and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.

 Hopefully you can help her stop missing out on enjoying time with you, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.

Use communication and love. Love is the key to transmute the situation into one of caring enough to deal with it with her. Then her caring enough to trust if you have given her every reason to. All else fails maybe some counseling or self help for her before the marriage is destroyed. Many shown that will take the steps to make it right.

Hope it all works out for you.

[dacoming]

She has disregarded my feelings about that. 

focus on what you can control. you cant control her berating you in front of your family. you can control whether you respond, argue, engage, or even stay in the same building.

do you know about JADE?

Yeah I do.  I'm getting better at not doing it.  I often do not respond to the crazy accusations anymore although I slip up sometimes.

[dacoming]

 dacoming,

I am sorry you are going through that. It must really hurt to be accused of something you have not done, and same time want peace in your marriage.

I can't say whether she has BPD or not, and I am sure you have read many of the articles on here, as well as books.

I would just like to approach in a different manner for the moment for your consideration perhaps since you are looking how to respond.

As a non, ( falling into healing being in more a caretaker not a codependent role) I know how those conversations go ( not on your subject just life). I have a few BPD in my life that are very hard to deal with in their rages etc.

At same time I am a woman and do understand the emotional side as well. I am not sure how she will respond if she does have BPD. But I do know that many times women are looking for reassurance and that 90% of the problems in relationships according to research is communication.

Maybe if you can find both your personality types, listening types and important love language you can address it in a helpful way. To put the issue to bed and maybe more love in the bed.

There are so many article out there on blogs, news, magazines, lawyer sites on how to tell if a partner is cheating.
 
Many women are told :If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.

Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.

Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love. So even if she is not approaching in right way.

Many times all women BPD or not want to be your one be your only. No matter how long married, which I know you understand. I am sure you have tried to make her over the years.

Try to see if you can reassure, make her feel special and loved, she in turn hopefully feeling loved can bring back to your marriage what you both need.

Otherwise with no reassurance it will fuel her thoughts and that is truly sad if no other person is involved.

What I can say is if you both could focus back on the things that made you fall in love, not sure you probably already do that. Little gestures, date nights, flirting and compliments might help ( not saying you aren't already doing)

Reassure her, but at the same time she is responsible for her own happiness and feeling powerful enough in herself that she is what you want.

I know you can't let it become an issue but maybe the above approaches given a little try and time but yield you larger results in a happier marriage.

Hopefully after doing all that, if all else fails she can find her power back through self esteem or things that matter to her. To feel important enough that you wouldn't do that to her. Only that can come from her, but at same time there is vulnerable times in womens lives, signs and things that need to be addressed to help her get there.

As you know it’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are love-able and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.

 Hopefully you can help her stop missing out on enjoying time with you, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.

Use communication and love. Love is the key to transmute the situation into one of caring enough to deal with it with her. Then her caring enough to trust if you have given her every reason to. All else fails maybe some counseling or self help for her before the marriage is destroyed. Many shown that will take the steps to make it right.

Hope it all works out for you.

Thanks Lilyrose, I will try!  Our biggest problem other than trust is communication.  I feel she is hard to communicate with because she tends to turn things around and twist my words into something totally different.  Then she starts arguments over small things that are not at all what she thinks.  In turn, she feels I lie and keep things away from her which I admit at times I've done.  But it's not because of cheating or anything else.  I don't trust our communication and it usually upsets me and her both.  Now, she gets mad and blows up just for me giving a different view or perspective about a situation than her.  She calls that "debating."  She blew up last night because I had a different recollection of events than her, called me a liar and didn't speak to me the rest of the night.  Then this morning, she sent me a text saying "Never discredit your gut instinct.  You are not paranoid.  Your body can pick up on bad vibrations.  If something deep inside you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it."  She always talks about her "gut instinct" which always means she believes I'm cheating or doing something different.  I'm tired of all of the negativity!  I go day to day like I'm on a work release program or something, go to work, go home trying to assure her and she still accuses me of all kinds of foolery.  She blows up any time she perceives me to be late, Dallas traffic be damned!

[Lilyroze]

That must be very hard on you both! I am truly sorry that you are going through this pain.

The good thing is with knowledge there is power, and you are seeking advice, looking within and trying to find solutions.

I would think that maybe the book Don't walk on eggshells, As well as high conflict couples might be of some assistance. Unless you have already read.

I do also think that maybe if you could both find each others love languages, and ways of approaching things that might help in the communication.

Each of you will now  need to learn to love, and trust yourselves enough to be able to approach the relationship from individual places of self-respect and personal integrity. When you make a commitment to treat yourself and the person in your life with love and compassion, you will not harm yourself or your partner by in certain ways. Mainly because you are authentically taking care of your needs and theirs then the relationship becomes a priority. Sounds like you are trying.


If you don't think it is just self esteem, or other ways to communicate with her, then sounds like counseling, marital counseling or she will maybe benefit of therapy.

Would she be willing to go to therapy on her own, or with you, or find a way to build up her repertoire for communicating with you? Or perhaps a fun marital retreat or relationship builder session? It sounds like she will have to face she is destroying the marriage, and communication. Maybe a therapist can help you both see together. I would say with a Non explain you chose her, and want her, but want respect and work on it.

With BPD... .that would not be possible that way I don't think.

If there had been emotional affairs, or on-line or other things that gave her fear, but with none of those nor affairs then not sure. Seems like you have tried showing her that, I would hope she can get to the place to feel treasured and let you feel honored to have her in your life. Sounds like she is not there yet.
 
Again maybe with love, validating, making her feel love and respect, then she can turn around and give that back.

I would hope she sees the pain you are going through and wants to work on it just as much if approached. But if BPD as you are thinking then not sure, as the sbxBPD in my life is and has never been wrong nor really been able to apologize, or communicate well. I always made excuses he was ill, etc. Or had things running so smooth by taking care of anything there never was much for him to deal with and we didn't have that kind of relationship for many years. So can understand your frustration with communicating with someone like that. Especially if you are a problem solver and would like to reach an understanding with integrity and honesty.

I think when many feel the gut feeling there is usually a reason. However many don't understand that small gut feeling or voice could also be fear. Again the only way to tell is if real integrity, honesty and skills you can set things to rest.

It sounds like she is in fear, and spiraling this all out of control, that will only lead to more hurt for you, her and unbalance in the marriage as you know. Good luck hopefully you can stop the downward pace.

So sorry try to find peace, take care of yourself and hopefully with the tools, or help you can find a way to salvage and bring back the relationship even stronger.

[dacoming]

I've had acne begin to develop on my forehead over the last couple months; she commented that I must have been "putting my face in places I don't need to" and one day I came home from work to giver her a kiss and she claimed my face and breath had a strange odor (implying to me that I've been out messing around.  Now she says she hasn't smelled the odor at all since she mentioned it, meaning that I have been washing my face before getting home to cover

The other night, I was laying in the bed dozing while she sat next to me on the phone.  Soon after she got off the phone, she put her hands in her vagina, smelled it and asked me to smell.  I didn't smell anything but my nose was kind of stopped up a little.  She told me she smelled a strange odor that smelled "the same as the smell on my face" from the incident mentioned above.  I didn't say anything.  Then she asked me if I was cheating again?  Frustrated, I asked what does a smell she got going on have to do with me?  She exploded, telling me that she knows her own body odors as I should know mine and accused me of being insensitive and lacking compassion for her.  She got dressed and threatened to do physical harm to me if I spoke in a bad tone or said anything else out of line or disrespecting her.  I calmly told her what she said that bothered me and apologized for talking to her with a tone (although I don't feel I was talking with a tone).  She dismissed what I said and made further references toward hitting me up side my head with something and blowing my head off if I made a wrong move.  Then, she went into the living room to calm down as I offered to leave our room and sleep in another room. 

After a couple hours, I had fallen asleep as it was some time after 1am.  She woke we up I guess to let some more things off her chest and express her agitation that I am able to sleep while she is upset meaning I do not care about anything I take her through and how selfish and heartless I am.  She went on... .mostly devaluing who I am and telling me how she wasn't going to keep putting up with me making her miserable .  All of this and we had company in the house from out of town who I'm sure heard her raging.  I laid in the bed without saying a single word which of course she complained about too... .noting how I don't communicate with her unless I'm being defensive.

[Wrongturn1]

Soon after she got off the phone, she put her hands in her vagina, smelled it and asked me to smell.  I didn't smell anything but my nose was kind of stopped up a little. 

Wow, that's pretty bizarre and a bit gross... .I don't think I've ever heard of a mentally healthy person doing that.

I would recommend setting up some protective measures for yourself in response to the threats of physical violence.  Maybe install a recording app on your phone or buy a digital recorder so you can record her when she starts dysregulating and tossing out threats against you.  This would set the groundwork for some firm boundaries around violence threats, e.g., she threatens = you have it recorded and file a police report or something along those lines. 

[dacoming]

Thanks Wrongturn, I was thinking along those lines.  She's back to her good side now but to be frank the whole incident has me disturbed.  I'm trying to mentally move past it but the more these types of things happen, the more distant it makes me.  It's hard to look at her in a loving way.

[Conundrum]

Hi, after 20-years, I'd advise focusing on overarching patterns instead of daily trends. A toxic hierarchy has developed that is far from interdependent. It is important to consider your standing in that hierarchy, and how it relates to your own well-being and happiness. 

The description that you provide, is of a relationship that is predicated upon disordered control. "Egg shell" situations do not arise in a vacuum. Often they evolve because the pwBPD assumes control via attrition. The non's defenses, boundaries and free will are subsumed by the threat of and/or by acting out. Eventually, the non becomes a shell of their original self--walking on eggshells. Miserable in perpetuity, afraid of the next rage and the aftermath of the rage.

Living like that is traumatic. It's definitely unhealthy. No one thrives under said dynamic. Being the target of continual raging is tantamount to being abused--regardless whether the pwBPD is self-aware or intends to cause the abuse. The net result is that such conduct is abusive.

It would be a disservice to sugar-coat that you sound miserably unhappy. I'm sorry that you find yourself in that type of situation.

Take back your power. Lead. You are being bullied. Tailor effective strategies to improve your situation. It can be done.   
       

[dacoming]

Hi, after 20-years, I'd advise focusing on overarching patterns instead of daily trends. A toxic hierarchy has developed that is far from interdependent. It is important to consider your standing in that hierarchy, and how it relates to your own well-being and happiness. 

The description that you provide, is of a relationship that is predicated upon disordered control. "Egg shell" situations do not arise in a vacuum. Often they evolve because the pwBPD assumes control via attrition. The non's defenses, boundaries and free will are subsumed by the threat of and/or by acting out. Eventually, the non becomes a shell of their original self--walking on eggshells. Miserable in perpetuity, afraid of the next rage and the aftermath of the rage.

Living like that is traumatic. It's definitely unhealthy. No one thrives under said dynamic. Being the target of continual raging is tantamount to being abused--regardless whether the pwBPD is self-aware or intends to cause the abuse. The net result is that such conduct is abusive.

It would be a disservice to sugar-coat that you sound miserably unhappy. I'm sorry that you find yourself in that type of situation.

Take back your power. Lead. You are being bullied. Tailor effective strategies to improve your situation. It can be done.   
       

I am working on that.  I'm at a point where I can take it or leave it.  I've been walking on eggshells for a very long time and I do feel like I've lost myself in the process.  My current situation seems equivalent to being in prison.  I am VERY unhappy and struggling with myself about the right move to make.  I really love her and we DO have some good times but the bad times are very bad to me.  I've been working on being more assertive and trying not to walk on eggshells; if a situation escalates into a big argument... .let the chips fall.  Hopefully nothing like the other night but you know what I mean... .I have a history of trying to avoid disputes so this is at times easier said than done. 

[Conundrum]

Describing the situation as being in prison is apt. Prisoners often become institutionalized. It becomes the only home that they're used to. The deprivation of liberty is no longer a noticeable concern and living a life in-custody becomes normative.

However, even in prison there are classification levels bestowing different levels of privileges upon inmates. Life in a minimum-restrict, or general population setting is much more bearable than life in a super-maximum environment. Usually, an inmate's behavior in prison will dictate their classification level.

It seems that you're being warehoused in a close custody super-maximum environment (despite good behavior)--one in which the Warden is disordered, promulgating disordered policies, offering negligible privileges, and with most of the benefits trickling in the warden's direction. Coupled with threats of physical beatings and emotional/psychological abuse--this is sounding like cruel and unusual punishment.

Yes, I know it's difficult shaking up any significant relationship from the depths of its marrow--might not even be possible--but what benefits have you received for all this pacification, appeasement and avoidance?

Perhaps it's time for a prison riot. "Viva la revolucion."