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Author Topic: Baby steps and sweet tooth  (Read 449 times)
Lifenow

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 19


« on: September 15, 2016, 09:31:48 PM »

Hello again 

Today I almost tripped over all of my good intentions and flattened a tense situation into crisis... .but my DD didn't let it happen!

She was typically late again getting her daughter ready to go to preschool, and of course had not gotten anything ready the night before, so while she is cutting the tuna sandwich into heart shapes I'm running around getting granddaughter her clothes, going potty, hair, shoes, getting in the car, jacket, snack, wheelchair in the car, (and I've been up doing breakfast and morning stuff for two hours already) and DD is upset because she hates to be late and she couldn't find a "clean" knife to spread the mayo ("they're all greasy!"?... .when her room is piled high with dirty clothes and snacks... .), so even though I know better as she is huffing at me I say quietly and matter of factly:

"Well some of this stuff can be done the night before or you could get up earlier"

To which she responds... .almost normally... .

"Well it's not like you were never LATE!"

To which I laughed and agreed Smiling (click to insert in post)

But no more than that! Yay! No meltdown!

Huge difference. Who knows how long it will last... .but a little normal is nice!

Question for the group:

My DD always has bags and bags of candy, as well as ice cream and caffeinated sweet drinks by the gallon, also lemonades and juices. I think her extreme sweet tooth is somewhat related to her meds (hydrocodine, baclofen and gabapentin, as well as birth control)
Thinking vitamins might help stabilize this?
My BIL is bipolar and I've never seen anyone eat so many sweets!

His teeth are rotten - worried about hers too
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2016, 09:19:58 AM »

Nice that you had a tiny little change (TLC)! There is a section at the top of the board with other parents who have had TLCs. You are in good company  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Do you have a sense about why she was able to reply the way she did? Maybe you are creating a validating environment?

About her sweet tooth, what about phrasing your concerns in a way that focuses on her ability to solve the problem herself, while at the same time making a suggestion? Ideally when she is emotionally regulated  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Maybe focusing on dental hygiene (positive action) instead of what she's doing wrong?
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Breathe.
Lifenow

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 19


« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2016, 11:58:43 PM »

This is really interesting about validation, as it reminds me that there is a school of thought that there had to be major validation "infractions" in a child's life to become predisposed to BPD, and now we as the "normal" ones are supposed to make up for whatever invalidation we have done in the past by assuming the patience of Mother Teresa and creating a safe environment for our BPD children.

We will know we have done so when they no longer act out in self harming or inappropriate ways. While I agree that most PEOPLE in general do better with a calm environment full of happy times, I think this theory overall is bunk. It puts the blame of BPD directly on the parents or caregivers. It does not take into account the positive, loving and attention filled families who struggle with BPD children.

As a teenager, my DD was in no mood ever to listen to anything, validating or not. If she came home and said she was hated at school, there was nothing I could say to make her think otherwise.  If we had rules about anything that "controlled" her, (phones, computers, curfew) it was seen as a threat and we were "abusive".

However, now that she has experienced the world (in the worst ways possible) and as she gets older, I am able to talk to her more about imperfection - about my faults, traits and habits, which are often common humanity faults, traits and habits.  Yes this is validation... .of humanity. No it would not have worked in the past. She was too self critical.

When the toddler is screaming or acting out, I can say gee I don't know what to do other than yell when I'm frustrated so I think it's better if I give myself a time out and leave the room for a bit, she calms down somewhat, but then she still has a screaming acting out toddler she can't handle... .and then it's my fault for teaching the child bad habits  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I also try to pick times when I think my DD would be more receptive to ideas or comments to talk to her - she is in so much pain all of the time it is hard to find a moment - and then I preface my thoughts with starters like, "I know you might not want to hear this, but can I be honest?" or " I have some ideas about how to do such and such, are you in the mood to discuss?"

Now keep in mind, I am aging very quickly taking care of her and my granddaughter. I have no near future hope of travel or much time with my husband alone, or shopping for fun. Everything I do is to make her life easier, less stressful, and pain free. This means paying for almost everything, taking her and my granddaughter everywhere, dishes, laundry, cleaning, gardening, on call 24/7. When my husband is out of town and I have most of the childcare as well, it is overwhelming. But she is not self harming.

My daughter said to me the other day, "why don't you like being called grandma? That's what you are." I said something about her grandma still being alive and so there could not be 2 of us, but really, I don't feel like a grandmother because she did not give me any time or any of the pleasant life thresholds to cross before becoming one.

Slowly, age seems to be having a positive affect on her.



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