Road trip gone bad

[Jessica84]

Took 2 road trips this weekend. BIG MISTAKE. We left town on Fri and came back on Sat, no problem. Then yesterday... .We decided to take a quick day trip. Had a great time. On the way back, he was ultra-controlling: speed up, slow down, go around this car, stay in this lane, move over, go straight, no, turn left, LEFT, NOW! (sigh, pant, eyeroll) well you missed the exit... .

My head was about to explode! Told him he was making me nervous, he wouldn't stop. I had enough, pulled off to get a soda. The line was "too long" so I drove across the street. Then I didn't turn where he was motioning. MORE criticism. I had enough. I hit the gas real hard to go where HE wanted me to go. Then... .he flung open the door and THREW HIMSELF OUT OF THE CAR! I shouldn't have sped up. It scared him, but I was frustrated. He stood outside, glaring at me. I apologized. He got back in, huffy, lectured me some more. We got back on the road and things calmed down... .until an hour later when he started up again. Made a long speech criticizing me. On and on and on... .I got defensive, then tried to validate but it was too late. He twisted everything I said so I shut up.

When we got back to his house, I got the silent treatment. For hours. He wouldn't snap out of it. We slept in separate rooms. I went in to hug him this morning... .he made a point to roll to the far end of the bed away from me... .so I left. Just got a "Have a good day" text. Don't even know how to respond now. If I ignore, he'll think I'm mad. But if I say anything, it will be wrong. I hate when things like this happen. Nice long weekend, ruined in 30 seconds.

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[boatman]

Hi Jessica,

I'm sorry you had to endure such verbal abuse. I went through something quite similar with my exgf. We were on a trip and I was driving and I missed an exit. She went nuts! After 20 minutes of constant berating I finally had enough and screamed at her to shut up. She did the exact same thing and opened the door at high speed, luckily I was able to stop before she jumped out. She told me to leave her behind because she didn't want to ride with "such an abusive person" anymore. I was able to convince her to get back in the car so I could get her home, but I told her I wouldn't speak to her again without an apology. The next day she broke down crying and apologized. This happened almost two years ago and just writing about it still makes me irate.

What do you think you'll do next to resolve this situation with your bf?

 

[livednlearned]

If I ignore, he'll think I'm mad. But if I say anything, it will be wrong.

You are thoughtful and skilled, and sometimes the best we can do is to prevent things from getting worse, not necessarily make them better.

When things get murky like this, wondering how to respond, I try to look at my actions in terms of 20/20 hindsight, thinking about what I did in terms of my values, as long as they are consistent and don't put me in harms way, it seems to be a good guide.

[Jessica84]

He texted me again asking if I was mad... .likely because I never replied to his first text. I told him no, thought he could use some space and to have a nice day.

His reply? "So you are still mad?" ... .how did he get I was mad from that? Told him no, I had things to do and actually meant "have a nice day". I got back smiley faces.

He's the one who let his anger linger into the next day. Last night there were signs he was getting over it (joking around some) so I stayed. But this morning proved he still wasn't. I didn't stay to find out what he had in store for me so I left before he got up. My guess is more grumpy moodiness and/or silence. Didn't want to give him an audience. He can sulk alone.

I think I will tell him, the next time this comes up, I prefer not to drive long distances with him. He can understand, or not. He has abused the privilege of being a passenger in MY car - my mileage, my gas, my time, my choice not to be criticized and micromanaged by a backseat driver. I'll think of a nicer, softer way to put it, but that's the boundary. Either he drives or I don't go.

[ThisGirl41]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I get the same thing from my spouse that has BPD. It's so hard because if I make one suggestion he gets mad, but I get criticized about every little thing. When we get into it about my driving or a road trip, I am accused of ruining the whole trip. I have gotten better about biting my tongue on that issue but it is not easy! We recently went drove to another state and no arguments about that part. That was a huge accomplishment. I took a deep breath and kept any comments to myself. I have to say that was very hard but I am proud of the result. Hang in there and always remember that you are human and have your own feelings. While every situation is a learning opportunity, also feel good about what you feel you did to help the situation no matter the outcome.

[Jessica84]

Thanks everyone. I can usually take his rants in stride. I'm no good at it in a trapped situation, like in a car. There is no escape and sometimes he can be relentless. Sad since we both love to travel. Sadder is how much time and energy is wasted on waiting for him to get over things. We blew a whole day today we could have spent together.

He got in a text war with his ex-wife after I left. Don't know what that was about. Maybe he just needed to rage at someone. Glad it wasn't me, glad I left.

[Jessica84]

Geez... .happened again today! He needed a ride (last-minute, in a rush, and I was near his office when he called). I picked him up, he started giving me directions then made a big point to say "I'm not telling you how to drive" (guess he's still not over it). But then proceeded to tell me everything! --- go around this truck, watch out for that car, I would've turned there... .THEN... .he told me to turn the wrong way down a one-way street! (and got mad when I didn't)

He calmed down once he realized his mistake. I got him there safely and dropped him off, but man was I nervous. He did say thank you, but he was beyond stressed. Almost like out of his mind, in a daze. Maybe he's overwhelmed at work. I don't know. He has never been like this before. Feels like he is trying to pick a fight, but why all of a sudden? I don't get it.

[MaroonLiquid]

Geez... .happened again today! He needed a ride (last-minute, in a rush, and I was near his office when he called). I picked him up, he started giving me directions then made a big point to say "I'm not telling you how to drive" (guess he's still not over it). But then proceeded to tell me everything! --- go around this truck, watch out for that car, I would've turned there... .THEN... .he told me to turn the wrong way down a one-way street! (and got mad when I didn't)

He calmed down once he realized his mistake. I got him there safely and dropped him off, but man was I nervous. He did say thank you, but he was beyond stressed. Almost like out of his mind, in a daze. Maybe he's overwhelmed at work. I don't know. He has never been like this before. Feels like he is trying to pick a fight, but why all of a sudden? I don't get it.

It is hard dealing with that.  They are in over their head with emotion, etc and want to put it on someone else so they don't have to be responsible or deal with reality.  Everything is everyone else's fault.  That's the short answer. 

[SettingBorders]

I know these kind of situations (not having the strength to get into detail now) ... .

Isn't this when we should clearly state something like ":)on't treat me that way in my car. Once again and I won't take you another time." but don't do it because we're not prepared for the rage and discussion that would follow? But wouldn't it be the right thing to do?
I feel am also managing these situations wrongly. But like in your case, it's still MY car, and ME driving, so in fact this should be easy to solve ... .

[Notwendy]

Hi Jessica,

I find road trips- particularly long ones- to be potentially volatile situations. One reason I can think of is that there is a captive audience in the car, a long time to spend together, and boredom- nothing to do to distract someone. So, all that is left is to focus on whatever feelings come up and let 'em fly.

There isn't a lot to do but avoid them or bring something to distract yourself if you are a passenger. I have gotten the ST for several hours in a car. That's when ear buds and some nice music come in.

When the kids were little and we took road trips, I made sure they had things to do in the car- otherwise we'd have bored little screaming kids who might be arguing with each other or complaining. Maybe it is similar with people with BPD. If he is a passenger- maybe he needs something to do- a book, an electronic game.

One concern though is safety. I can not drive with someone venting and raging at me. I don't think it is safe. So, I either avoid these situations or stop the car until it is over. It may even be a good idea to not go on these road trips if you can avoid them.

So, he asks you for a ride and then is ugly with you in the car? That's what cabs are for.

A good safety boundary is : I don't ride/drive when people are disregulating in the car.

[Jessica84]

Thanks everyone. You are all spot on. Safety is the most important concern. I think the reason our July road trip worked out so well was because he was busy answering emails on his phone most of the time instead of watching the road (6 hours). This time, he stayed off his phone and became my high school driving instructor! Made this little 1-hour trip seem so much longer. I think I'd rather drive while being ignored than listen to criticism.

I don't want to give up these little getaways altogether. We both love to travel. They say it's not the destination, it's the journey. But with a BPD partner, the journey is where the trouble is. The goal is getting to the destination in one piece. So I need to plan ahead better and keep boundaries in place. Maybe pack extra snacks, phone chargers, blankets... .and coloring books 

[VitaminC]

So I need to plan ahead better and keep boundaries in place. Maybe pack extra snacks, phone chargers, blankets... .and coloring books 

Hahaha! I've been following your thread, Jessica, as I do all of them, because I learn a lot from you.

The only thing I would add to the above, is to pack crayons and not pencils, because these have sharp points sometimes and we don't want them accidentally stabbing themselves in the finger.

 

[Jessica84]

You are so funny, Vit C! 

Yes, I forgot about sharp objects and band-aids.

... .and of course, duct tape - fixes everything! (works on mouths too)