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Author Topic: Making and sticking to plans - with shared duties  (Read 526 times)
SettingBorders
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« on: September 06, 2016, 01:49:15 PM »

Hey there, I'm new here and so happy I found that place!

I'm assuming my partner to have BPD (traits), due to many odd communication problems we're having. So often, I'm not sure how to deal with him and I hope to get some help here and interchange strategies to find out what is best.

I'm fighting, too, with his inability to make and stick to plans. Lately I realised that I'm often to flexible and reschedule to simply when it turns out that he cannot keep up to the plans we made. Therefore, not to make our own plans pending on our BPD's decision seems very valuable to me

A point I am still pondering on is shared duties. We're expecting a child, so there is currently lots of paperwork and some other decisionmaking to do. Nothing anyone of us really could or should do alone. But my boyfriend (of 7 years) is not able to tell me when he will be having some time to discuss these things. After having told me "June", "my holidays", "not before end of September", currently he is on stating "it will do to make it after the baby is born". So, how to deal with that?

I've prepared my part of the paperwork and regarding some organization issues (first of all daycare facility) I've started to work on it all by myself (not without him blaming me for suspending him from the pregnancy - but this is another story... .). But as I am still waiting for him to make his part of the paperwork so we can finish it, I feel that is not all of the solution.

Any advice?

PS: I'm not a native English speaker, so some terms might not be fitting well.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2016, 07:44:56 PM »

Is is tough working with a BPD partner.

Create and detail your plan. Tell him your "default" and give him a "time period" to respond. If he hasn't responded - then do what you said.

So:
"We need to look at daycare facilities. I've found place X that I think is fantastic. Can you have a look around and see what you think OR when can we talk about it? The forms need to be in by 30 Sep, so if you havn't go back to me, then I will enrol in place X."

So you have invited him to contribute. But you have also told him when things need to be done by, and what will happen on that date if he hasn't responded.

Therefore, YOU are in charge. Keep these kinds of things written if you can. I'm SURE he'll try to tell you that you never told him, or some other excuse.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2016, 05:09:07 AM »

Hello ArleighBurke:

Thanks so much. I guess the main problem is that I've stopped giving him "time periods" long ago because of the experience, that he wouldn't keep to them anyway. But I guess it's my responsibility to communicate very clearly with him and then to be consistent with the outcome.

Keeping it written might become unhandy. But maybe I can use email for these kind of requests from time to time. Anyway, I'm afraid I would't be able to finish to tell him the consequences after I said "by that date", because this is the point when refusal and discussions normally start. So, the writing-it-down-thing might be a very helpful tool for me.

Thanks and best regards
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2016, 09:06:23 PM »

The point of telling him "by this date" is not actually to make him do something. If he wants to do something he will. You tell him "by this date" so that YOU feel OK that you've given him a chance to have his say. If he doesn't respond, then it's OK - you go and do whatever you said you were going to.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2016, 10:03:20 PM »

So, I tried this with a purchase of something we need for the baby. I had asked him several weeks ago to get it when he was complaining that I was preparing everything alone. Now I think I made my point clear that it needs to be bought by the end of September. (He wasn't very understanding, though.)

Now, he wants my help with it, wants to gather some information about it together on Saturday. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to agree, but I did. I also agreed to do the weekly shopping with him on Saturday, as I couldn't bear his complains that he already needs to carry the heavy stuff due to my pregnancy. (I had done last week's shopping with my mother, so it was his turn actually.) We're also up to some paperwork for the baby, he formerly had annonced he would prepare alone - if he'd find some time. And finally we're invited to a wedding on Saturday.

As you can see, there are several problems here:

1. I agreed to help with lot's of things of "his" area of responsibility.
2. Saturday will be a crammed day, so probaply we won't be able to finish everything we wanted. (And he's only got time on Saturday.)

As my boyfriend sucks at time management, he won't understand, that we have to hurry a lot to get all these things done. And if I told him, there would be fights even before Saturday has arrived. I really do not look forward that day as I've made myself dependent on his slow and complicated way of taking care of things. He won't want to get up earlier or work though these things in an efficient way - I know this.

What can I do? Seem's like I've mucked it already... .
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2016, 10:29:15 PM »

Yeah... .perhaps you are trying to "please him" too much. 

If he is trying to get things sorted - fantastic. If Sat is his only day free, you can say no! There are still 3 weeks before the end of Sep so this is not crucial yet... .Even now you can change plans - tell him you are so proud/glad/something that he's working on it. Say that Sat is too busy and you can't do everything. Tell him you trust him to start without you - and you'll talk about it more later. Setting a definite day would also be good. So with that cancelled, there's just shopping and the wedding.

But why have you agreed to do the things that you say are "his responsibility"? This sounds like you have poor boundaries. (Most of us here have poor boundaries!) If you keep doing things for him, he will not learn - just like a child. He will actually benefit more from you if you let/force him to do things himself. Just like a child. Give him small manageable tasks and build up. Praise him. Trust him! Guide him!

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SettingBorders
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« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2016, 10:53:18 PM »

Thank's for advice. My boundaries are fragile like a cake, I know this. That's the most imporant thing for me to work on.

I will try to let him make that purchase alone at least. And I will not push for the paperwork to be done on Saturday, because unlike him I don't think it's so urgent. Would be nice to finish it befor birth, but the deadline is much later. If we don't get it done on Saturday, it remains his task.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2016, 06:26:16 AM »

I blew it up ... .we went to grocery shopping yesterday already, so today there was enough time for the other two things. The purchase was not successfull, as the shop doesn't sell it anymore (but we had a walk there, that was even partly nice) and the paperwork ... .well ... .we had an arguement about who was to receive the family credit. As I am not sure weather I want to continue the relationship I insisted in my bank account (of cause we will share that money, so he will get half of it for his spendings on the child).

But there was drama, he didn't like it at all, said it would be more benificial he would receive it as he's paying income taxes whereas I receive a scholarship only. Didn't make much sence rationally... .Silent treatment now ... .

The feeling I get is that he feels exclued from the pregnancy - but it's not my taks to include him - he needs to make a move.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2016, 06:49:33 PM »

BPDs have problems with emotional regulation. Having a baby is big! Lots of responsibility, lots of change, probably a loss of focus on him.

I have no expereince with a male BPD, but i can understand him feeling left out, possibly scared, possibly even useless.

If he (emotionally) is like a 7yr old, then there is a LOT of literature about the impact of bringing a new baby into a house with existing children, and the things you can do to try to include them and make them feel safe. Perhaps its worthwhile doing some research into this for ideas.

Also: very good for sticking up for yourself in wanting the cash to go to you. As the person who will most likely be buying food, clothing etc for the baby it makes a lot of sense it goes to you. In that conversation, were you able to validate his feelings? Are you aware of the Validation conversation techniques?
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waverider
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« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2016, 07:12:49 PM »

There will always be a bunch of stuff that simply doesn't get done due to his lack of, or low levels of, responsibility and obligation as motivation. The more we step in and fill that gap the more it is reinforced. However, as you experience, you can drive yourself nuts trying to get him to do it.

So for absolute essential things that are are going to seriously stuff you up, just do them, and for many things that are mainly desirable rather than "life ending", leave them undone. Always balance end result for you, and think "is that rock worth moving?" Effort vs end result.

As AB says work your defaults around not pending on his actions or compliance where possible. Asking for input is simply validation, rather than dependence.

Be aware that with all the attention on new baby it can induce massive insecurities and avoidance, at a time when you are hoping for a step up.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2016, 06:56:22 AM »

I agree with AB to let him have some tasks on his own and praise him for being successful.

I don't think I went about things the best way when my children were born. This was an area of insecurity for my H, and I was comfortable caring for babies. If I asked him to help, he would fly into a rage. I was co-dependent, and also concerned for the children, so I pretty much took over all of it. I don't think he even knew where/when I got items like the stroller, high chair, car seat.

You sound like a very organized person who knows what you want and that is good, but when asking another person to help, you may need to change expectations a bit. For one, he may not be on your time schedule, but it is possible that he could run to the store at the last minute and get a baby item in time for the baby. He could be on his own schedule.

I'm like you- get things done ahead of time. Yet when I started dating my H, he wanted to go shopping for presents the day before Christmas. I had not ever been in the mall shopping on that day, having done all my shopping in advance. I hated it- the crowds, the stress. But this is how he did it, and he showed up with presents for his family just like everyone else.

Being co-dependent, I took over the gift shopping but in retrospect, I could have also left it to him to do in his own way.

Shopping for baby items can feel overwhelming. Yet, if you are in the US or I think any developed country, it is hard to really go wrong as they all have to meet safety regulations. The baby's safety is the most important so perhaps you can compromise on color or style and praise him for what he chooses.

I don't know the root of this, but both my H and I had very critical parents who seemed to find something to be critical of. Trying to do the right thing could be a scary situation. My BPD mom would send us to the store for soup and then yell at us for the soup having the wrong noodles in it. My H's father just said something critical about most things people did. This left him to be fearful of things he wasn't experienced with- and babies fit into that category.

We all learn by trial and error. Your H's way of doing things is different than yours. Yet, letting him learn by experience might lead to him being more helpful in the long run.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2016, 11:46:10 AM »

ArleighBurke, waiverider, Notwendy, I am so greatfull you're helping me that way even though I am so new to this forum. I truely feel understood and see that there is a lot I can still do and improve so there's no reason to loose hope that soon.

ArleighBurke, thank you so much for your help with this! Getting something to read about how to integrate existing children when a new one is born, is a wonderful idea. I will do this.

In that conversation, were you able to validate his feelings? Are you aware of the Validation conversation techniques?

Not at all... .I was driven by my own need to defend some of my boundaries, I guess. And by the feeling that he might try to take advantage of me financially - which in this case didn't apply, because we have a deal that we will share that money as well as we will be sharing all child related costs. So it was my own fears talking and I couldn't really notice his feeling to be left out in that moment.

I feel a bit different about that arguement now. I was a bit harsh myself and I think I might have been able to prevent it entirely if I had stayed a little calmer.

So for absolute essential things that are are going to seriously stuff you up, just do them, and for many things that are mainly desirable rather than "life ending", leave them undone. Always balance end result for you, and think "is that rock worth moving?" Effort vs end result.

Obviously, I should do that. In the past I did. But it never felt good - like living on a permanent building lot. Right now, with the baby coming in just one month or so, I really have the urge to have things prepared... .But I see that I should leave some things out, that are not that important.

My boyfriend has already announced that he doesn't have any more time for preparations until the baby is born (what he hopes will happen as late as possible). He thinks that afterwards he will have more time as he won't have to work in the first month. He plans to finish a mayor project by then - but he won't be able to finish it in just one month (I couldn't either). So I see a lot of stress coming ... .

I don't know the root of this, but both my H and I had very critical parents who seemed to find something to be critical of. Trying to do the right thing could be a scary situation. My BPD mom would send us to the store for soup and then yell at us for the soup having the wrong noodles in it. My H's father just said something critical about most things people did. This left him to be fearful of things he wasn't experienced with- and babies fit into that category.

Probably the same here. He didn't have a father, so he's very insecure of how a father acts or how he wants to behave. I find, he's got some idealized images of a family life and he sees how little he's keeping up with it.

For one, he may not be on your time schedule, but it is possible that he could run to the store at the last minute and get a baby item in time for the baby. He could be on his own schedule. [... .] Your H's way of doing things is different than yours. Yet, letting him learn by experience might lead to him being more helpful in the long run.

Yes, I will try to let him run at the stores in the last minute - so he can feel some proud of himself. This will be when the baby is born and the midwife asks us where our baby bath tub is. Oh, how I will "love" that moment ... .

I just started a short list with things I won't do until birth - just to help myself remember.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks for sharing your experience, Notwendy, I know I'm not alone and I'm warned not to take over everything my boyfriend right now can't manage. Don't want to be his mother... .
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waverider
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« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2016, 04:43:56 PM »

Keep in mind it is a Disorder and as such any relationship will have a degree of dysfunction. The aim is to minimize the disruption this causes and eliminate toxicity. Much of this is caused by reaction to that dysfunction causing unecessary escalation

Things will be left undone, things will be more awkward, difficult and down right illogical at times. This is part and parcel of living with what is essentially a subliminal disability, in as far as it is not always visible and obvious, but non the less present and affecting day to day living.

Our biggest mistake is thinking there are magic "tricks' or words we can use to fix it and make everything "normal". This in itself causes destructive reactions as frustration overwhelms us. You probably wont be able to eliminate this altogether either, but if you can recognize you are doing it earlier you can limit the consequences.
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