Dont know what to do with myself

[j9]

I cant hold myself together anymore. My boyfriend had another horrible episode last night because i went to a fundraiser for my job. He called me horrible names and said horrible things. i feel so rejected and unloved. i dont know why i cant make myself understand this is his disease.any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hey j9,

I'm so sorry you feel this way right now! You did nothing wrong in going to your fundraiser and it is not right to be attacked for that. I know you've been trying to use the tools and validate and create and maintain boundaries.

Do not feel bad that you can't understand this disorder and sort out this hurtful dynamic in just a short while! It's a lot to cope with. Some of the tools in the banner here on the right - especially 4. Surviving confrontation and disrespect, might be helpful. They take time and commitment, if they are to work.

But the first thing you could try to make yourself understand is that whatever your partner says during these times is all about his own insecurities and nothing to do with you or your value as a person. It's the essential thing to get into our heads - it is never ok for someone to call us names or say horrible things. We deserve better than that. You are more loved than that.

What can you do to make yourself feel a little more cherished right now? Are there friends or family members you could spend some kind time with?

[jrharvey]

Did he say why he was so upset? Ive experienced things like this as well when my office had a mandatory day trip to a baseball game and also when my office moved and we all had to help over the weekend. Both ended in a HUGE fight and her breaking up with me then getting back together the next day.

I think the key is boundaries and no matter how upset they get or what they say just keep strong and don't just do what he wants.

[j9]

Hi Vitamin C,

Thanks for replying and thank you for your kind words. I just need direct me with how to handle situations like this since I am inexperienced. I told him I was going to a fundraiser for work and therefore said he was going home. I replied ok but that he didn't have to go home because I would be home by 830pm. Without me knowing (which is usually ok) he went to my house. The fundraiser ended up being a success and I missed my bus and another bus didn't come for like another hour. I have an 8 year old daughter, she was with my mother who ended by being in my house as well until I got home because my mother did not see the text message I sent her saying I would be home late. My daughter facetimed me and was upset I wasn't coming home at regular time, during that facetime call my mother said that my kid hadn't eaten and why didn't I tell her when I did. SO I asked my mom please make her something and I will be home asap. (all the while I had no idea he was in the my bedroom). My mother called him over, which is when I discovered he was there, and I told him I missed the bus. he left and started to text me saying im a liar and that I left my child to starve to go and have drinks with co workers and that im always disappearing and that he told himself If I do something like this again he would be done with me.

he kept texting me telling me that I risked my relationship to go get drunk (I had one glass of wine). and that I left the burden of my kid on my mom.

This morning he says a whole bunch of nasty, disrespectful words and said that I am taking my daughter away from him. (he has raised her for the last 4 years). My daughter has a cheerleading game this evening which he was supposed to go and my kid asked if he was going. now because he is angry and ignoring me I don't think he will go and I am sick of him not attending things for her whenever we argue or get into a fight because I have chosen to have a career and a life aside from him. I don't know what to say or even if I should say anything at all. he also threatened to go out all weekend with girls since I want to live like I am single.




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[j9]

to clarify we do not live together.

[VitaminC]

So, let me get this straight; you were about an hour late (because you missed the bus) and that made you a bad mother, a drunken un-loving girlfriend, someone who abused the goodwill of your child's grandmother, and someone who is trying to disrupt or destroy the relationship he has with your child?

What exactly happened when you did get home? Was your mother still there? Was she understanding of the situation re the bus? What was your conversation with your partner like in the evening? Did you sleep well or were you anxious? Did you sort of expect any more to be said about the matter - this morning?
Have you had any further conversation since then?

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and try to explain to your child what is happening in a way that does not cause her any distress. I know that takes a lot of management.  I also understand your being sick of his not attending things whenever he is angry with you. That is pretty typical behaviour for pwBPD.

Can you say to your daughter that you are not sure, but that you will be there and then give her a big smile and hug? 

I am not sure if going over this particular incident right now is the wisest course of action.  Other members who are more experienced at working with their relationships will surely chime in. My understanding is, that it's better for you to put your focus on yourself right now - what you need and need to do and to regain your composure a little before your next steps.

You are entitled to your career and your life. You did not do anything wrong.

The line that you "always disappearing" with co-workers now also strikes me. If your job or career is something newish for you, then it's possible that he is interpreting the fact that you have more responsibilities and interests than before as a sidelining of him. And that is causing him to act out like a little child; to stomp and make demands and threats, just the way a young kid would do if their parent suddenly wasn't as much focused on them as before. Does that apply to your situation do you think?

[j9]

He did not act out this way in front of my daughter, he just left my house and went to his house the moment I told I had missed the bus- the accusations were all done through text messages or quick phone calls.

When I got home, my mother understood, unfortunately she said the stuff about my daughter not having eaten while he was there and I got a little upset with her because I have told her about his problem (I know I shouldn't have). I apologized this morning to her. She was there and had cooked for my daughter, she helps me out a lot which I appreciate 100 %. She was somewhat understanding but she kind of implied that I cant do things where I know I will be home very late because she has things she has to do to. I told her she should've left my daughter with him (which is ok, he is great with her) so she can go home. but she said she didn't because I asked her to make my daughter something to eat. it was a misunderstanding between her an di because I told her you should've left her with him as soon as you saw he was there and he would've fed her. but since he was pissed at me he just left because he saw my mother was watching my daughter.

The conversation was over after the text messages, he didn't answer my call so I left him a voicemail that I probably shouldn't have but I was very upset. I said in the voicemail that he was the one who left the burden on my mother knowing and hearing that she wanted to go home because she had things to do he should've stepped up as her "stepfather" and made her something to eat and waited for me to come and he wanted to leave then he could've. but no he didn't do because he is a selfish person. I know I should've just left it alone but I was so angry that I was being held out as a bad parent from all sides. my kid whining because she wanted to be with (understandable) my mother because she wakes up at 5am. and on top of that him with all the drama.

I didn't sleep at all, I probably slept a total of 3 hours because I just felt so stupid for not being able to just say enough is enough.

I expected him to continue to say nasty things after hearing my voicemail and he did but it still hurt my feelings. No conversation since. I tried calling around lunch and he ignored.

My daughter fortunately isn't distressed I think she was more upset that I asked her to help me a little more with her own things and that her and I are a team but that's a different subject. (thankfully all good there though)

I know I didn't do anything wrong and I wont stop because of his insecurities. yes my career is fairly new and I am very happy in that aspect of my life. but there is no support from him whatsoever. When he refers to me always disappearing is when I do things and inform him and not succumb to his tantrums when he says I am acting single. ex: going to my sisters house, attending a friends birthday, running errands that take all day on a weekend because i work fulltime.

so yes what you say absolutely sounds like my situation. im angry that 4 years later I still have yet to reach my boiling point where enough is enough.

I just need guidance on what do as far as my feelings and what can possibly be going through his mind? all I am thinking about now is him going out and telling everyone we broke up again to just get back together I feel like a fool when I go around his friends and family. they don't seem to realize he has BPD.

[VitaminC]

It does sound like he feels like he's being sidelined. He is less important to you now just because you have more on your plate and are rightly happy about those things.
And then he wasn't able to get it together and "step up", as you put it, when your mother was there and taking care of things. 

Btw, even if your mother knows he has BPD (I don't see the problem in sharing this information), it would be a lot to expect of her to know how to handle your grown-up toddler   So don't worry about that part of it.

He sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance. You might not be happy with losing your temper with him a bit, but try to not worry about that either. You're human! You'd had a long day and it ended stressfully, and rather than a supportive partner on your team, you had someone who demanded even more attention than your 8 year old. That's certainly enough to give anyone a wobble or two.  Calling him out for being "selfish" is probably not the best approach (even if true), if you want to improve this relationship - but, like I say, give yourself a break. You're here because you want to learn how to do this thing, and it takes a while to get the hang of it.

My own ex has a 10 year old, and it was very strange for me to see how insecure and inept he became as a father when his daughter and I interacted or if other members of his own family were around. It was as if he didn't know what was expected of him, now that there were other adults in the mix. 

What exactly do you mean here "im angry that 4 years later I still have yet to reach my boiling point where enough is enough" ?

[j9]

I think he does need a lot of reassurance. a couple a weeks ago when I first started to post here I tried all the tactics in how to respond to someone like him and I was shock as to how straight his reaction was to my reassuring I wasn't going to abandon him. but that became exhausting to have to continuously do it.

What I meant by that is I want to leave the relationship but I continue to stay and I don't know why. I care for him but I guess I am not educated enough on his disorder that I am still asking myself how someone can be this way and think that they are right I don't know if I want to continue but I cant bring myself to end it once and for all

[VitaminC]

Ok, I understand.

You could pop over to the Deciding Board and see the posts there and if members are talking more about things that resonate with your current thinking.

It's just a place to get a slightly different perspective while you clarify your own thinking and feelings on the matter.

[VitaminC]

I should have put this in my previous reply, sorry.

You can get an idea of what that Board is for here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56291.0

[Jessica84]

j9 - I can so relate to your last sentence - the embarrassment of telling his family we were done "for good", only to get back together the following day. I don't know who looks worse -- the pwBPD for impulsively breaking up, or the non for being weak little troublemakers. Very sorry you are going thru this.

I agree with Vitamin C. He is having a tantrum. I imagine he was looking forward to seeing you that night... .but as each second, minute, hour passed by, he felt more and more abandoned until his emotions went haywire. That may not help you in the moment, but it could explain his overreaction.

I know it's stressful, but give him time and space to cool off. In the meantime, try to do the same for yourself - focus on something other than him and this situation - so you don't fall into the trap of obsessing and replaying the argument in your head. This will give your own engines a chance to cool. You can't make a good decision under duress. Don't read and re-read his texts or listen to his mean voicemails either. In fact, think about deleting them. These were things said in anger, and they will only hurt you. Once he calms down, he will likely feel ashamed and regret saying them, so better for you to get them out of your head too, whatever you decide to do in your relationship. Hope this helps.  

[j9]

I AM NOT SURE WHAT GOT HIM SO UPSET-HE JUST THOUGHT I WAS LYING ABOUT MISSING THE BUS OR THOUGHT I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM INITIALLY SAYING HE WAS GOING TO HOME TO BE ABLE TO STAY OUT LONGER WITH NO PROBLEM.

[Jessica84]

Sounds like his imagination ran wild. He thought you were partying and having the time of your life with your co-workers, while he was stuck at home, bored and waiting for you.

Their biggest fear is abandonment so they will arrange the "facts" to justify their fears/feelings.

FACT - you were out drinking and being irresponsible.
FACT - you lied about missing the bus. (you just didn't want to come home)
FACT - you don't care about him, your child or your mother.

These are his "facts". So he can make it your fault he feels bad, rather than acknowledging its his own disordered thinking causing him the discomfort.