This week I have stepped off the roller coaster

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been exactly 1 week since we had any kind of argument. Something happened. I cant really say for sure. A week ago it was a HUGE blowup that involved her saying she wanted to break up and me telling her to leave and throwing her clothes and stuff at the front door. Now its heaven. Everything has changed. I know its only been a week but something is different now. Everything about her is different. She is kind, loving, gentle with her words and talking to the therapist and watching relationship videos. I feel like the luckiest guy on this forum right now considering all the sad things happening.

Im not on edge. Im not stressed out. Im not walking on eggshells. She hasn't been insecure at all except maybe twice and even then she expressed that feeling with love and not blaming it on me. She took responsibility for her feeling. I simply assured her that I would never cheat on her and I loved her and she accepted it with love back.

So many bad stories I just thought it would be good to post a good one. Thanks everyone here.

[jrharvey]

Its been exactly 1 week since we had any kind of argument. Something happened. I cant really say for sure. A week ago it was a HUGE blowup that involved her saying she wanted to break up and me telling her to leave and throwing her clothes and stuff at the front door. Now its heaven. Everything has changed. I know its only been a week but something is different now. Everything about her is different. She is kind, loving, gentle with her words and talking to the therapist and watching relationship videos. I feel like the luckiest guy on this forum right now considering all the sad things happening.

Im not on edge. Im not stressed out. Im not walking on eggshells. She hasn't been insecure at all except maybe twice and even then she expressed that feeling with love and not blaming it on me. She took responsibility for her feeling. I simply assured her that I would never cheat on her and I loved her and she accepted it with love back.

So many bad stories I just thought it would be good to post a good one. Thanks everyone here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

I appreciate it dude. It's good to see things do go well in some cases.

Also a good reminder of how important it is to re-assure our BPD SO that we will be true and will stand by them. Over time, I begin to tire from providing these reassurance so regularly, but they really help.

[SettingBorders]

This is so nice to hear, congrats! Enjoy that time and take good care of yourself.

Seems like she is able to make some efforts when threatened with a breakup. Which is good as now she can practice some new skills that will make her life and your relationship easier after. Make it easy and desirable for her to behave like this as long as possible by telling her lots of compliments, preparing a nice dinner and so on.

But I'm sure that all of this costs her lots of energy and you should be prepared for a sudden regress. Then don't forget about your bondaries and be consistent with what you do and expect of her, as when you'll put her stuff at the front door for a second time she might not believe you as this time it worked out well for her.

Curious of how it all evolves.

[flourdust]

I'm sorry to have to be a Debbie Downer here, but the very definition of a roller-coaster is that it has unpredictable ups and downs. Right now, you're on an "up." That doesn't mean you're off the roller-coaster.

You said that you don't know why this change happened, and that's troublesome, because it suggests that it's not a mindful improvement that you and your wife can build on with continuing treatment and strategies.

[jrharvey]

I'm sorry to have to be a Debbie Downer here, but the very definition of a roller-coaster is that it has unpredictable ups and downs. Right now, you're on an "up." That doesn't mean you're off the roller-coaster.

You said that you don't know why this change happened, and that's troublesome, because it suggests that it's not a mindful improvement that you and your wife can build on with continuing treatment and strategies.

I know what you are saying. But things are truly different right now. And still are. The cycle has changed. I know its probably just the high side of the roller coaster but we seem to keep going up. She hasn't been insecure at all and she even started telling me things she learned in her DBT workbook.

Things that would normally make her questions, feel insecure or flip out over just don't anymore. I asked her about it. How she changed. she still has the insecure feelings but she talks herself out of them. She said she just feels different. Like she just doesn't feel as insecure when she really stops to think about those feelings. That's all part of DBT is thinking before acting. Seems to be working.

[Meili]

Those euphoric feelings are great aren't they?

But, I noticed that the title to this thread is that you stepped off the roller coaster, but all you've written about is the changes that she is making. Can you tell us a bit more about what you have done to step off the roller coaster this week?

[waverider]

Does the rollercoaster continue, but you are not on the ride, or isit just suspended at the top for the time being?

As Meilli asks, how have YOU changed to feel like you are no longer actually on it?

It is unlikely her rollercoaster has stopped, but it is important that you step off it so you are not as affected when it dips again.

[jrharvey]

Ok your right. I didn't really do anything to step off the roller coaster. The ride just changed. It isn't as crazy and has been a calm train ride.

[Jessica84]

Ok your right. I didn't really do anything to step off the roller coaster. The ride just changed. It isn't as crazy and has been a calm train ride.

  This is great progress! I was a bit nervous when I first experienced this. I kept waiting for the crazy train to start back up, but it's been mostly ok. As long as you're moving forward in a positive direction, enjoy the ride! Just keep your seatbelt on in case the wheels start to rattle again 

[waverider]

Ok your right. I didn't really do anything to step off the roller coaster. The ride just changed. It isn't as crazy and has been a calm train ride.

Do you think you may have subtly modified your reactions and hence reduced triggers and escalations?

[jrharvey]

Ok your right. I didn't really do anything to step off the roller coaster. The ride just changed. It isn't as crazy and has been a calm train ride.

Do you think you may have subtly modified your reactions and hence reduced triggers and escalations?

I think its a combination of many things. She has been going to therapy and pretty invested in it. I have also been doing a lot of work to control myself but I still have triggers and she does too. We just handle the triggers better.

The biggest thing for me is I realized I may have PTSD from the emotional abuse for months and months which now that I am much stronger it triggers me to react and defend before its even necessary.

One of the big problems is she may show slight insecurity about something and ask too many questions. In the past she would blow it up and rage. Now she expresses her feelings and sorts them out herself but she may pull back and be quiet for an hour or two to process those feelings before returning to normal. For some reason I get triggered by her insecurities and I blow up because I cant stop thinking how this will just turn into her blowing up. Sometimes I take her silence as trying to punish me with the silent treatment and I react. Luckily she calms me down and we talk it out. Funny how she has become the level headed one now.

I don't know how to release those fears. She has been doing so well but I easily get triggered and think the abuse is going to start again and I just react so negatively.

[waverider]

I don't know how to release those fears. She has been doing so well but I easily get triggered and think the abuse is going to start again and I just react so negatively.

Try keeping records of every time this happens and what the outcomes were. It is often a good way to establish reality over perception.