Emotionally Dumping Breakup w/BPD(?) Boyfriend

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm new to the community and am trying to gain  (more) clarity on how to move forward. I'm also just dumping all my thoughts and feelings here: I'm sad, hurt, lonely and confused after two weeks into NC with my ex who I'm very much still in love with and seems BPD/HPD.

We dated 3-months to being official. The romance was intense, mostly text and phone based, but In person was little less than idealized fantasy of love. A few weeks in, I attempted to set a conversational boundary which resulted in a very damaging argument that lasted too long and culminated in my ex saying he felt unloved by me; this after we had been bonding per usual. This was our first of many fights like this. He displayed verbal abuse at that time but promised to TRY never again. I accepted that, knowing it would likely happen again. He told me months prior he had real mental health issues and struggled with moods. I wasn't personally hurt at the time and accepted his cursing at me as his own issue, but this strategy ultimately failed over time and my detachment in these moments registered for him as severe abandonments.

Abandonment was triggered in conversation frequently(multiple times a week): I didn't agree with him on a topic, or didn't empathize with his side enough, I used language that was too metaphoric and not absolute enough, I didn't engage a debate enough, I drew a hard boundary in conversations that were headed towards abuse in my opinion, etc... .These interactions would leave him raw whereas I was mostly bewildered and defensive. He would express that he felt lost, abandoned, dead, unloved, that love didn't exist/was not real, he was a monster, his love is damaging, that I would be happy if I were with someone else, he can't make me happy and can only bring fleeting happiness to someone (his fate), I didn't trust him enough or respond to him quickly enough in an intense conversation(once resulting in extreme panic and raging and another time as he rapid fire asked me countless questions he began speaking minimally as though he just shrank into himself and nearly disappeared). It still is devastating me.

This type of thing could come right on the heels of a beautifully connected day or even moment. Eventually they'd happen so often, the fights and then his feelings of severe depression and devastation, that getting to another week became a big deal for me. Our relationship rapidly went from solidly promising to sick and fragile; sometimes swinging towards these poles within the same day.

We were soul mates if there were any, each other's best lover/friend, perhaps we'd marry(yes, we would), he wanted so badly to know my children (fortunately a custody agreement was a barrier to that happening immediately), I just "got" him and him me, we were perfect for each other (oh, yes!). Perfect until we weren't, and then the feelings of being unloved would flood him for a number of reasons, mostly attributable to me in some way, but also his mental health, his own failures, etc... .

He broke up with me the night I met his father and step mother who were a blast to be with. The breakup was around my repeatedly addressing what I perceived a lack of personal boundaries on his part. His behavior was often extremely extroverted and attention seeking and multiple times in 3 months both men and women would get the wrong impression about his motives leading to hurt feelings or worse. The breakup was originally a power move on his part, but I called his bluff and was also somewhat relieved at the time. We bawled in each other's arms all night long. We held each other and bawled all the next day, we cried having sex, we read poems he's written as child, we struggled like hell; he fell asleep and I watched him cry in his sleep, tears streaming down his face. I held his hand sitting next to him on the bed. We cried as I finally worked up the courage to leave his house.

For 6 weeks after we attempted and faltered a close friendship which was essentially us dating in a nonexclusive since. He came to see me every weekend that he could, we intentionally held off on sex but fooled around, we went out, but the splitting continued: the breakup was all my fault, he's a failure, too mentally ill and too much, I'm not trusting or open enough, his exes always find someone better than him(I should), he misses me/us, we're perfect for each other but just can't work, we can work if I do XYZ, no ABC, he's not made for relationships that are long-term, he wants love/he doesn't believe in love. This culminated in the last time we saw each other 2 weeks ago. He expressed to me that his feelings for me were getting stronger everyday, that he loved me, missed us. We agreed to meet up, we missed being in each other's arms, but that we would continue to not have sex until we were officially back together (my own rule).

Well, the passion was intense, we missed each other like hell, and that was fully expressed verbally and sexually. We broke our own agreement. He wanted to spend the entire weekend with me, but I had to leave early that morning and the rest of the weekend. I left but not before we discussed how we were going to see each other now that he has a traveling job. The next day he barely spoke to me, and then the following, and finally by the following weekend I reached out specifically addressing his distance. He told me that he was depressed, doesn't believe in love, is actually repulsed by love and anything like it and me too, that I was being overly sweet to him which was putting him off, that (again) his exes always find someone better than him (his lot in life is to just be a launching pad for women to do better), that the perfection of our love has made him disbelieve in love at all, because it still failed. I mean, nothing too far from the usual, but I realized in that moment that he wasn't in therapy and that he wasn't going to change this behavior anytime soon. I wrote him and told him that I loved him wholeheartedly but just couldn't take the idealizing and devaluing of us, me, himself, that his behavior was too erratic and I didn't know what he'd do or think or feel for one point to the next. That I couldn't do it without him being in therapy. I then blocked him everywhere to prevent conversation which would inevitably lead to us being pulled in again. That was 2 weeks ago.

I miss him terribly! For every shocking, sad, or disrespectable occurrence between us, I could likely give a story about 10 equally beautiful. Even as he criticized me/us/himself, he'd idealize or note positives in the same breadth. He was deeply introspective often and shared his journals with me(he was a suicidal child). His vulnerability was incredibly touching. I never cried in the arms of the man I love with the man I loved. He opened me up, made me feel so loved. He talked about his emotions with ease and I could share with him the same way. We genuinely enjoyed each other's company in the most insatiable way. Mundane activities together were like a trip to Disney. I wanted to grow with this man, learn him, know him, love him and he me. I wanted to share my world with him. This is more emotionally difficult than the failure of my marriage and I honestly don't know if we're over for good. I'd be so happy to have a healthier him in my world.

I also wonder if it's even BPD that he's suffering from. He's very good-looking man and displays streaks of somatic narcissism(constant selfie taking/posting) but he thought he looked repulsive until a few years ago.

Makes me think BPD:
Besides the already stated,

-would get upset over slight things such as he'd perceive that I was physically pulling back when we kissed and would take deep offense. I melted in his kisses, so that seemed odd to me.
-he'd whisper sweet nothing's in my ear while I slept or touch me, he said I cringed at him a few times and he took it very hurtfully
-instead of being possessive, he was just the opposite, suggesting at odd times that I sleep with other men if I wanted to (He pushed his ex wife like this, she fell in love with the other man and my ex complained that she could no longer make him feel loved). No matter how many times I'd express that I only wanted him, he would go there
- Love/hate relationship with mom. Says she psychosexually abused him and was enmeshed with her as a boy. She turned him against his dad. Now be idealizes dad (who beat mom) and swings from ambivalence to devaluing mom
-Parasuicide × 15s since he was 12, cutting and overdoses
-He casually mentioned that he'd "taken too much" of his sleep medication one day and he ended up sleeping the entire day
-A few weeks ago sent me pictures of him cutting rough spots off of the bottom of his feet with a hunting knife. His heels, toe bottoms, had all been stripped of the top layer of skin, the photo displayed the knife. Seemed benign at first, there was no blood and likely little if any pain
-Wears makeup to cover up blemishes aren't noticeable/has model's face
-He once overate and then threw up for hours
-If I didn't respond quickly in a phone conversation, he'd use a toddler's voice and ask "Are you still there?"
-Has switched his lifeplan/path and desire for a certain relationship model (monogamous/non monogamous) drastically in 4 months
-Committed career suicide 2 years ago, abandoning a professional career after receiving academic honors, by quitting his job due to nervous breakdown
-has abstract fantasies of being mutilated by other people
-questions his sexual identity often, does things contrary to his stated identity
-has had risky sexual encounters
-hypersexual, compulsive masturbating, porn everyday. Tried to curb but could not
-has risky hobbies
-left ex wife on a whim when things were "perfect", says their relationship was perfect or close but it killed him and he died everyday. Still idealizes her
-has boundary issues that have been self destructive or carry the potential


Thanks for letting me share!




.

[CharmedJustice]

I'm new to the community and am trying to gain  (more) clarity on how to move forward. I'm also just dumping all my thoughts and feelings here: I'm sad, hurt, lonely and confused after two weeks into NC with my ex who I'm very much still in love with and seems BPD/HPD.

We dated 3-months to being official. The romance was intense, mostly text and phone based, but In person was little less than idealized fantasy of love. A few weeks in, I attempted to set a conversational boundary which resulted in a very damaging argument that lasted too long and culminated in my ex saying he felt unloved by me; this after we had been bonding per usual. This was our first of many fights like this. He displayed verbal abuse at that time but promised to TRY never again. I accepted that, knowing it would likely happen again. He told me months prior he had real mental health issues and struggled with moods. I wasn't personally hurt at the time and accepted his cursing at me as his own issue, but this strategy ultimately failed over time and my detachment in these moments registered for him as severe abandonments.

Abandonment was triggered in conversation frequently(multiple times a week): I didn't agree with him on a topic, or didn't empathize with his side enough, I used language that was too metaphoric and not absolute enough, I didn't engage a debate enough, I drew a hard boundary in conversations that were headed towards abuse in my opinion, etc... .These interactions would leave him raw whereas I was mostly bewildered and defensive. He would express that he felt lost, abandoned, dead, unloved, that love didn't exist/was not real, he was a monster, his love is damaging, that I would be happy if I were with someone else, he can't make me happy and can only bring fleeting happiness to someone (his fate), I didn't trust him enough or respond to him quickly enough in an intense conversation(once resulting in extreme panic and raging and another time as he rapid fire asked me countless questions he began speaking minimally as though he just shrank into himself and nearly disappeared). It still is devastating me.

This type of thing could come right on the heels of a beautifully connected day or even moment. Eventually they'd happen so often, the fights and then his feelings of severe depression and devastation, that getting to another week became a big deal for me. Our relationship rapidly went from solidly promising to sick and fragile; sometimes swinging towards these poles within the same day.

We were soul mates if there were any, each other's best lover/friend, perhaps we'd marry(yes, we would), he wanted so badly to know my children (fortunately a custody agreement was a barrier to that happening immediately), I just "got" him and him me, we were perfect for each other (oh, yes!). Perfect until we weren't, and then the feelings of being unloved would flood him for a number of reasons, mostly attributable to me in some way, but also his mental health, his own failures, etc... .

He broke up with me the night I met his father and step mother who were a blast to be with. The breakup was around my repeatedly addressing what I perceived a lack of personal boundaries on his part. His behavior was often extremely extroverted and attention seeking and multiple times in 3 months both men and women would get the wrong impression about his motives leading to hurt feelings or worse. The breakup was originally a power move on his part, but I called his bluff and was also somewhat relieved at the time. We bawled in each other's arms all night long. We held each other and bawled all the next day, we cried having sex, we read poems he's written as child, we struggled like hell; he fell asleep and I watched him cry in his sleep, tears streaming down his face. I held his hand sitting next to him on the bed. We cried as I finally worked up the courage to leave his house.

For 6 weeks after we attempted and faltered a close friendship which was essentially us dating in a nonexclusive since. He came to see me every weekend that he could, we intentionally held off on sex but fooled around, we went out, but the splitting continued: the breakup was all my fault, he's a failure, too mentally ill and too much, I'm not trusting or open enough, his exes always find someone better than him(I should), he misses me/us, we're perfect for each other but just can't work, we can work if I do XYZ, no ABC, he's not made for relationships that are long-term, he wants love/he doesn't believe in love. This culminated in the last time we saw each other 2 weeks ago. He expressed to me that his feelings for me were getting stronger everyday, that he loved me, missed us. We agreed to meet up, we missed being in each other's arms, but that we would continue to not have sex until we were officially back together (my own rule).

Well, the passion was intense, we missed each other like hell, and that was fully expressed verbally and sexually. We broke our own agreement. He wanted to spend the entire weekend with me, but I had to leave early that morning and the rest of the weekend. I left but not before we discussed how we were going to see each other now that he has a traveling job. The next day he barely spoke to me, and then the following, and finally by the following weekend I reached out specifically addressing his distance. He told me that he was depressed, doesn't believe in love, is actually repulsed by love and anything like it and me too, that I was being overly sweet to him which was putting him off, that (again) his exes always find someone better than him (his lot in life is to just be a launching pad for women to do better), that the perfection of our love has made him disbelieve in love at all, because it still failed. I mean, nothing too far from the usual, but I realized in that moment that he wasn't in therapy and that he wasn't going to change this behavior anytime soon. I wrote him and told him that I loved him wholeheartedly but just couldn't take the idealizing and devaluing of us, me, himself, that his behavior was too erratic and I didn't know what he'd do or think or feel for one point to the next. That I couldn't do it without him being in therapy. I then blocked him everywhere to prevent conversation which would inevitably lead to us being pulled in again. That was 2 weeks ago.

I miss him terribly! For every shocking, sad, or disrespectable occurrence between us, I could likely give a story about 10 equally beautiful. Even as he criticized me/us/himself, he'd idealize or note positives in the same breadth. He was deeply introspective often and shared his journals with me(he was a suicidal child). His vulnerability was incredibly touching. I never cried in the arms of the man I love with the man I loved. He opened me up, made me feel so loved. He talked about his emotions with ease and I could share with him the same way. We genuinely enjoyed each other's company in the most insatiable way. Mundane activities together were like a trip to Disney. I wanted to grow with this man, learn him, know him, love him and he me. I wanted to share my world with him. This is more emotionally difficult than the failure of my marriage and I honestly don't know if we're over for good. I'd be so happy to have a healthier him in my world.

I also wonder if it's even BPD that he's suffering from. He's very good-looking man and displays streaks of somatic narcissism(constant selfie taking/posting) but he thought he looked repulsive until a few years ago.

Makes me think BPD:
Besides the already stated,

-would get upset over slight things such as he'd perceive that I was physically pulling back when we kissed and would take deep offense. I melted in his kisses, so that seemed odd to me.
-he'd whisper sweet nothing's in my ear while I slept or touch me, he said I cringed at him a few times and he took it very hurtfully
-instead of being possessive, he was just the opposite, suggesting at odd times that I sleep with other men if I wanted to (He pushed his ex wife like this, she fell in love with the other man and my ex complained that she could no longer make him feel loved). No matter how many times I'd express that I only wanted him, he would go there
- Love/hate relationship with mom. Says she psychosexually abused him and was enmeshed with her as a boy. She turned him against his dad. Now be idealizes dad (who beat mom) and swings from ambivalence to devaluing mom
-Parasuicide × 15s since he was 12, cutting and overdoses
-He casually mentioned that he'd "taken too much" of his sleep medication one day and he ended up sleeping the entire day
-A few weeks ago sent me pictures of him cutting rough spots off of the bottom of his feet with a hunting knife. His heels, toe bottoms, had all been stripped of the top layer of skin, the photo displayed the knife. Seemed benign at first, there was no blood and likely little if any pain
-Wears makeup to cover up blemishes aren't noticeable/has model's face
-He once overate and then threw up for hours
-If I didn't respond quickly in a phone conversation, he'd use a toddler's voice and ask "Are you still there?"
-Has switched his lifeplan/path and desire for a certain relationship model (monogamous/non monogamous) drastically in 4 months
-Committed career suicide 2 years ago, abandoning a professional career after receiving academic honors, by quitting his job due to nervous breakdown
-has abstract fantasies of being mutilated by other people
-questions his sexual identity often, does things contrary to his stated identity
-has had risky sexual encounters
-hypersexual, compulsive masturbating, porn everyday. Tried to curb but could not
-has risky hobbies
-left ex wife on a whim when things were "perfect", says their relationship was perfect or close but it killed him and he died everyday. Still idealizes her
-has boundary issues that have been self destructive or carry the potential


Thanks for letting me share!




.

[ynwa]

Hello CharmedJustice,

I wanted to welcome you to the board and the family.  It sounds like you have been through a lot, and want to thank you for sharing an honest story.  It's no easy thing to have boundaries in a relationship like yours, but it sounds like you have a handle so far on finding that healthy balance.

You will find similar stories here, especially with the push/pull and mood swings.

Is there something you have questions about or think might help in keeping NC that you are unsure about?

[CharmedJustice]

Hello CharmedJustice,

I wanted to welcome you to the board and the family.  It sounds like you have been through a lot, and want to thank you for sharing an honest story.  It's no easy thing to have boundaries in a relationship like yours, but it sounds like you have a handle so far on finding that healthy balance.

You will find similar stories here, especially with the push/pull and mood swings.

Is there something you have questions about or think might help in keeping NC that you are unsure about?

Thank you, YNWA. Setting boundaries was something that caused my ex a lot of pain. I'm interested in knowing how to best proceed after NC. I'm very interested in getting back together with my ex provided he's willing to stay in therapy and it's possible for us to build something healthier.