My exgf broke the bounderies again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Then the effects of his alcoholism became clear and I lost hope in him, I realized I couldn't count on him and I gave up. For some reason I believe my son will grow up feeling the same way about me.

My head tells me this may be a distortion but it is very powerful and dominates my belief about my value as a parent.

You are not your dad and this is your opportunity to take a different path.  It is important to learn from others mistakes as well as our own.

Then I hear insults from his mother and I just want to walk away.

I can understand this desire to distance yourself from the toxicity.  This is why you need to just accept her for who she is.  You understand now where the behavior comes from.  What you will never really understand why she does the things she does.  This is where you need to just accept it and when you can do that it won't matter anymore what she does.  This is who she is and will always be.  Stop trying to make sense of it ... .or perhaps more appropriately stop trying to make her into someone she is not.  I think this is the reason why you continue in this never ending cycle with her, because you do not want to accept her for who she is.  You don't want to let go of the illusion of the person you fell in love with so you try and try to understand her, looking for a loop hole, hoping beyond all reasonable hope the illusion is true.  

The illusion is not real Jerry and while I think you know this logically, emotionally you still hold onto it.  This is how she still gets to you, still twists and plays with your emotions.  Once you let go of that and accept her for who she truly is the petty childish games she plays with you will no longer matter.  You will just shrug them off and not assign any meaning to them ... .you will say oh more of her being her and it will no longer bother you.  

[C.Stein]

Then the effects of his alcoholism became clear and I lost hope in him, I realized I couldn't count on him and I gave up. For some reason I believe my son will grow up feeling the same way about me.

My head tells me this may be a distortion but it is very powerful and dominates my belief about my value as a parent.

You are not your dad and this is your opportunity to take a different path.  It is important to learn from others mistakes as well as our own.

Then I hear insults from his mother and I just want to walk away.

I can understand this desire to distance yourself from the toxicity.  This is why you need to just accept her for who she is.  You understand now where the behavior comes from.  What you will never really understand why she does the things she does.  This is where you need to just accept it and when you can do that it won't matter anymore what she does.  This is who she is and will always be.  Stop trying to make sense of it ... .or perhaps more appropriately stop trying to make her into someone she is not.  I think this is the reason why you continue in this never ending cycle with her, because you do not want to accept her for who she is.  You don't want to let go of the illusion of the person you fell in love with so you try and try to understand her, looking for a loop hole, hoping beyond all reasonable hope the illusion is true.  

The illusion is not real Jerry and while I think you know this logically, emotionally you still hold onto it.  This is how she still gets to you, still twists and plays with your emotions.  Once you let go of that and accept her for who she truly is the petty childish games she plays with you will no longer matter.  You will just shrug them off and not assign any meaning to them ... .you will say oh more of her being her and it will no longer bother you.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Nice Jerry, good for you for digging into this stuff.

What would it mean if you let go of the drama with your ex?

I would think my life would be more peacefull, less drama, I would have the energy that I now put into understand her behaviour and put it to better use?

What would it cost you if you no longer had the drama for comfort?

I don't know because I've lived in it for years, before this relationship I thought about myself more, probably too much, but I did a lot more fun things I enjoyed and hobbies and things like that. I have a difficult time relaxing now, I have this underlying feeling I'm wasting time when I'm not productive.

Yes, while the drama has taken a lot of time and energy, and continues to, it's may also be serving the purpose of providing a distraction, keeping you away from you.  Thinking about yourself is good, necessary even, for periods of time, we don't want to live there full time, but if you find yourself thinking about yourself and your life, and not liking what you're feeling, then it's natural to look for a distraction to get caught up in, and if it's not especially healthy, like your relationship with your ex, then it becomes a dysfunctional coping tool.

He's something to try: turn off all the computers, phones, televisions, whatever, no music, no plans, no distractions, and just be.  Just sit there in a quiet place and think about your life, not reacting to anything, just being, as you watch the emotions that come up float by, move through an leave.  If you've never done that or not for a while it will be very difficult at first, you won't be able to sit still and you'll look for more distractions.  But don't.  It gets easier with practice and is a way to move into yourself, move into your body, create inner peace and calm.  And when you get to that you won't be looking for ways to get out of it, and distractions that served a purpose before, like your ex's antics, will become all downside and no upside, and you can make decisions from that place as to how you handle raising your son with her.  

[KateCat]

you can make decisions from that place as to how you handle raising your son with her.  

I think this is really key, and that, in a way, this painful situation has handed you the chance of a lifetime to work on being a different man than your father. And thereby to change the destiny of your son.

[fromheeltoheal]

you can make decisions from that place as to how you handle raising your son with her.  

I think this is really key, and that, in a way, this painful situation has handed you the chance of a lifetime to work on being a different man than your father. And thereby to change the destiny of your son.

Nice!

Does changing the destiny of your son sound like a good enough reason to create empowering ways to cope Jerry?

[JerryRG]

Thank you everyone

So much to think about, so much kind advice.

I will respond more when I have time.

Thank you all, again

[JerryRG]

On break at work, I shared some of the feedback you all gave me here with a few friends and they all were extremly impressed and told me to stick to listening to you all here at bpdfamily. My pastor said "I hope you follow whoever wrote that. Stick with them."

So I cannot thank everyone enough, I would be lost without your sharing, experience, strength and hope.

Thank you all so very much!

I'm still reading your post here and soaking it all in, and I am working to change and accept my exgf for who she is.

I may not like the way things are but that isn't up to me.

Have an awesome day everyone!

I will respond when I get more tome