Hi there justnothing,
I can relate to some of what you're saying. I sometimes wonder, if a person with BPD/NPD is compelled to engage in black/white thinking, then to me it seems logical that once a person is placed on that pedestal, even a minor mishap or error is enough for them to be knocked off and painted black. So in a way, your mistake just provided the excuse for the person to engage in their BPD behavior. But you probably already have thought about this. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.
Something you said caught my attention.
In the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to turn my world around as much as possible and introduce as many changes as I can
What types of changes are you trying to make? How many changes at once? Do you think you are asking too much of yourself, too quickly?
What has helped me is to be very accepting of myself and where I'm at in my journey. It's something that I have to work at consciously, and remind myself to do it. I'm going in about a million different directions since my divorce, and there are times when I feel like a complete failure. So I will sit and accept that I feel that way. That's the first step for me. Then I give it some thought and realize I'm not a failure, and that I'm doing pretty well, actually. I have to acknowledge the negative and accept my feelings, and then go on from there. And when I accomplish even one task that I find emotionally difficult, I silently congratulate myself and reward myself with a mental hug, or, maybe, an oreo. Even though my weekly list is ten miles long, if all I can do in addition to the hundreds of usual daily things (e.g. work, school, taking care of my children, etc.) is one emotionally difficult task, then I do that, accept it, and pat myself on the back for it.
Like Joeramabeme, I try to be gentle with myself.
It was my exH and his family that put me on the pedestal and knocked me off. Not my FOO (at least, not that I can tell). Still, their words they expressed when they knocked me off the pedestal still echo in my head. I usually respond mentally with, well, yeah, that's what you say, but that's not the truth.
Do you keep a list of the tasks you have/do accomplish? Do you look at it as a long-term project?