My stepdaughter

[DreamGirl]

I'm not sure what my deal is.

I am going to be brutally honest --- not sugar coat how I feel --- because I think honesty helps in finding resolution.

A quick synopsis.

1.) Married 6 years, together 12
2.) 3 Stepdaughters (19,17,14) and 2 Sons (20,17)
3.) Custody has been 50/50 for 10 years except with his oldest who lived with us full time since she was 14 (until 18)
3.) Mom is/was diagnosed with BPD
4.) I'm diagnosed with ADD
5.) My husband likes crazy girls  

Our two oldest children are out of the house - my oldest is in college living near campus with my mom. His oldest joined the military and is living the good life.

Relationships are pretty good with the kids. We have fun, we bond, we eat family dinners and watch movies on Saturdays.

Except with my SD17. She got into some trouble last school year (involving marijuana which is like alcohol here because it's legalized) that resulted in a suspension from school. It also resulted in her best friend(s) sending some group text that said they never wanted to talk to her again.

Upon the revelation that she wasn't perfect like we all thought, the truth came out which involved some lying on her part and an investigation from the school because there were some racy photos on her phone and where she earned herself a nickname. She wanted to quit school as soon as she feasibly could (her credits allow her to do it at semester this school year, so in two months).

Therapy (that I paid for and insisted upon), some anxiety concerns, new rules, blah, blah, blah... .she seemed to get her life back on track.

Then she drops a bomb in August that she doesn't want to live at our house anymore, go to her mom's full time, and because her sister did it, so could she.

I have turned myself inside out trying to come to grips with the fact that there's reasons she feels the way she does beyond my comprehension -- and all *I* feel is disappointment. I am literally sitting, watching, observing as she takes herself and plunges into this self-indulgent, all-about-me persona and completely hinders herself. Her social media involves all the kids that we agreed (with her therapist) weren't good for her when it comes to achieving the goals she wants to achieve. And the yuck with her sticking her tongue out and duck faces. I finally just stopped looking.

She is blossoming into her mama right before my eyes. It's not the end of the world. But *our* relationship is almost non-existent. She only calls my husband when she needs something, usually money. She strolls into our house whenever the benefit is hers --- like when she needs to borrow my shoes.

Here's my no-holds-barred feeling... .

You've made your decision, so now I'll make mine.

Go live with your mom.

I accept your decision. I don't accept your actions that include thinking that I'm only here for your service when it is that you think you need me. I value my relationships with my kids. Even her sister, who lived with us most of the time, went over to her mom's almost every night on the weeks she would've been with her to hang out and have dinner.

I don't want her coming over. The sight of her boils my blood.

I KNOW that I'm influencing my husband's relationship with her. I want him to make his peace.

But I can not make my own peace.

I've ripped into her at least three times, because I too have poor executive control --- leaving her in tears, her not changing her mind, and my scratching my head how you could not want to be around my husband who is such a good, good man. She swore that she'd visit our house often. I walk away hanging onto her promises with her not following through on any of them. I haven't seen her in three weeks.

And my heart breaks for HIM.
 
And I'm ready to turn her room into an office. And my stress level is through the roof having me handle this all really, really poorly. Far from any wise mind decision making.

I feel like *I'm* splitting her at this point to deal with losing her.

[Turkish]

I'm kind of with you on part of this.  At 18, you're an adult.  Time to woman up.  You've been in each other's lives a long time.  How much of your husband's relationship with her do you think is your responsibility,  however?  Are you torn,  perhaps,  between maybe feeling invalidated by him vis-a-vis your r/s with her? I'm trying to understand how you feel like you're affecting their r/s.

As for her,  17 is a tough age. She fell off some kind of pedestal by making some poor choices,  and too bad her loser friends ended up being just that. I couldn't wait to get out of the Liliputian World of high school and have a whole adult world from which to choose real friends.  It was liberating.  What may be her core feeling?  Shame,  yes?

It sounds like you helped provide a stable home for her on your side.  :)o you resent that she seems to be invalidating that and using you?  Turning her room into an office is a drastic move.  Can you and your H sync about establishing smaller,  but just as significant,  boundaries?  You need money,  get job.  Even a teenage job makes BOGO affordable at Payless Shoe stores.

[bravhart1]

My worst nightmare.

I've been put through the wringer between BPDm and SD. I should be done raising kids, but here she is for another 10 years at least. My biggest fear is that it will all be for naught. She will turn out just like her mother and begin abusing us for the next 30 years.

We/I have given SD all the love, therapy, and guidance we can cram into her on the daily.

I'm terrified it will end much like the picture you just painted of your situation.

I will say this, I've made it clear to DH that if SD turns out to be BPD, then it'll be her or me. I'm sorry that's harsh, but her mother is usually cruel and calculating and I'm anxious to get back to life where I don't have to look over my shoulder or worry about crazy ruining everyday.

I'm sorry for what you are feeling. I don't have any advice. But loads of understanding and sympathy.
Maybe all step parent relationships leave the other parent feeling like they never get enough credit, reciprocal love etc. but when you work and fight so hard against their BPDm to protect them and they just gravitate to her anyway once they grow up... .well, thats just heartbreaking.
 

[Nope]

I was the queen of self-indulgent a**holes at that age. I lived with a mentally ill (though not personality disordered) BM until I was twelve before moving in with my dad. I had a step mother for a few years but she never did anything to help me or help my dad raise me and just stomped around all the time bitter that she had to deal with me and my brother even being under her roof until they finally got divorced after I moved out.

I moved out at sixteen to live with my paternal grandmother. Why? She was completely self absorbed but lonely. I wanted freedom and I wanted a fresh start away from the people who knew me when I was a scared quiet little screwed up kid. There were no rules and although I showed up at school every day I only kinda did the work. Fortunately, I did have really good friends so that kept the long term damage to a minimum. Once I hit my first stint at college I was an out of control nightmare until I found a nice boyfriend to kick around while he (being six years older than me) did what he could to keep me safe from myself.

You know what? I grew out of it. Granted, I didn't start making any real headway until about age 27, but once things started to click the changes came fast. I'm healthy, I'm happily married, I have a career (not just a job) and I call my dad all the time because I love him and he's my sounding board. My long stint of self discovery, lots of counseling, and my even childhood adversity helped mold me into someone who can at least sort of deal with the kid's BPDm.

Having not had a good experience having a step mother myself I can't say what your relationship with your SD17 will eventually look like. But I do know that as a functioning adult I don't forget the people who didn't give up on me. Some good were really amazing friends, some were not close friends but just people who let me continue to bang around because they knew I'd eventually grow up, and one was my dad.

I won't try to give you advice on this because you only have one life and nobody should ask you to spend it suffering. But you wouldn't be this upset if you didn't love that kid dearly. So maybe that's something to think about. 

[ForeverDad]

She only calls my husband when she needs something, usually money. She strolls into our house whenever the benefit is hers.

Well, on the one hand you do want her to see your home as the stable one.  And as a great man once said, "There is more happiness in giving than in receiving."  As the others noted, it may take her a while, even a long time, or maybe never as you fear, for that concept to sink in and for her to realize receiving is not the be-all, end-all she currently believes.  Maybe little by little she could start reciprocating DH's and your love, concern, giving and boundaries.

Are there any smaller things you and DH can do?  When she wants to borrow shoes, are there any strings you attach as a boundary/price?  When she wants to angle for money, are there any strings DH attaches as a boundary/price?  Maybe some day she'll see the benefit and satisfaction of earning things, even others' pride and joy.

My son is finally in his teen years, now a freshman.  Thus far his issues are being self absorbed in online games and videos.  But I've noticed it's a little harder to get his attention and for him to really listen.  So you're certainly not alone.  But it's also hard not to take it personally.

[livednlearned]

Hi DG 

No one said wise mind wasn't preceded by a big ball of mad.

Shaved of all the details, it sounds like a betrayal.

Is this hitting other buttons that are tied to betrayal stuff for you?

Whenever I put someone first at my own expense, I am more easily triggered to feel betrayal. It seems normal to feel betrayed if you felt you went above and beyond for her, only to end up with this as a thank you. Add that to other betrayals you've experienced, and it could get super charged, lighting old fires.

You can do all the things you plan to do, but first it seems like let's address the feelings galloping along, which might take good ideas right over a cliff 

[DreamGirl]

Thank you for all the responses.  

I'm trying to understand how you feel like you're affecting their r/s.

I'm his wife. I have a lot of power in that. We are all intertwined. If all I have is negative thoughts, boasting them constantly, then it affects him and how he feels. I encourage nothing.

He's making his peace much faster then I am.

I'm failing miserably at it actually.  

I'm trying to be a grown up, but I'm finding myself not handling it in a lot of not-so-grown-up ways. Like when she at the last minute decided to go to Homecoming, I decided not to offer any of my support or involvement --- but took her little sister to get her nails done, did her hair for her and took pictures and so forth. Her mom didn't contribute anything to her getting ready (she even ending up paying for her own ticket) and then it makes me kick myself. Because it was really spiteful on my part. And it doesn't feel good to be spiteful.  

So maybe I do feel betrayed. Maybe I don't want to let her [back] into my little circle of those I allow into my life and hold close ---- because it really sucks to have someone not reciprocate (or appreciate you). But then she's 17. That's what 17 year olds do. And I'm a child of a narcissistic personality type, so the scars from that are tickled by anyone's selfishness, and where I have definitely thrown myself into victim mode. But there's validity to why I would feel the way I do.  

But why do I have to be such a jerk to prove my worth? That's not who I am. At least I don't want to be that person.

But I'm hurt. I'm angry.

I think that's the bottom line and it's about getting over it.

My husband is talking about when she goes away (joining the military) and all the plans we have for the time before she goes and going to her graduation ---- and the thought that occurs first and foremost is "you know what? I'm good doing none of those things."  

I don't want to have a relationship with her.

And that's awful.
  
  

[livednlearned]

But why do I have to be such a jerk to prove my worth? That's not who I am. At least I don't want to be that person.

Maybe because you want her to know that you are hurt? At 17, with a BPD mom, it's  a toss up whether she can see things from your perspective. You've tried different ways to help her see your hurt, and she's not getting it. The less she acknowledges you, the more you have to do to get her attention?

I don't want to have a relationship with her.

And that's awful.

Or is it the opposite, that you do want a relationship?
  
  
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[DreamGirl]

The less she acknowledges you, the more you have to do to get her attention?

Blech.

Maybe? (Geez. What am I? 12?)

Or is it the opposite, that you do want a relationship?

I do want a relationship. It seems to be that I want it on my terms though.

Obviously. [what happened to the eyeroll emoticon when you need it]

[Sunfl0wer]

I think the times I have found myself fighting the urge to be spiteful towards my SD was because I actually needed some space to myself but felt too guilty to take it.

Inside, part of me felt this is how "I should" interact, put on a brave face, be the bigger person and such.  Another part of me felt in conflict with that... .the part that felt so neglected, unappreciated, disrespected.

Looking back, I think that my issue was that I was often trying so hard to do the "right" thing by everyone, that I was the one who was ultimately neglecting myself.  I was the one afraid to speak my truth about my frustrations and such to anyone, always suppressing it, so, It would seep out in some ways of urges to act out.

Looking back, instead of forcing myself to engage in a "I should do such and such" kind of way... . I wish I instead listened to myself inside that was begging me for some attention.  My own inner voice that wanted attention and care and needed some distance from the outer drama.  I was always afraid to back away because it is my MO to appear like "the resilient one" who can weather any storm.  Truth is, I really cannot.  I really should not.  Truth is, I probably would have done better to back away, be selfish, find something else to get involved in that nurtured my own soul vs sacrificing my spirit for the "sake of the greater good," because actually taking good enough care of myself and listening better to myself was what I needed.  And telling myself that my (emotional) needs were less than anyone else's was actually detrimental to myself and caused my own conflict.

Certainly better to get some space from a situation, apply some self nurturing, rather than to engage with an attitude you are not proud of later.

You have choices, you do not have to participate in "exciting" plans your husband makes.  You can find your own balance vs trying to do as is expected.

Often I was guided by his expectations because a part of me knew he was enmeshed and that I was "not allowed" to be mad at her, thus actually made me mad.  I knew that my feelings meant he would love me less because my feelings had to align with his or there would be division of some sort between us.  This is a great burden to be aware of.

Sometimes I did not think I had a choice.  That's because I knew the result would be that he would feel I didn't support him and I did not want to face that result.

I now see that by doing self care, asserting some boundaries, and allowing things to turn out how they would turn out, help me feel ok with my choices.  Sometimes me "catering to others" was just a fancy way of me wanting to control the outcome, and didn't actually do much but make me look controlling anyway, or stress me out in a way that was hard to manage.

... .
Just some thoughts... .
Sometimes I need to be told I have permission to get some space.
... .
That space then could often help me have a relationship on my own terms.
I enjoyed times with my SD best when it was just her and I and her dad was no where around.  I am sure she did as well.

[Sunfl0wer]

As if I wasn't long winded enough... .

She only calls my husband when she needs something, usually money. She strolls into our house whenever the benefit is hers.

When I read this quote, make me wonder who you are mad at?
Her for using him.
Him for letting her treat him that way?
Some combo?
Other?

I know my blood would boil when my ex let his daughter treat him badly.  It stirred up all kinds of triggers for me.  I was angry at him for not having a bigger backbone, for participating in the dysfunctional dynamics and infantilizing her.

Really though, all those things were between him and I.

I wonder if you would have felt just as mad at her request for money had he said something more akin to what you would have wanted to say yourself?

[DreamGirl]

Everything you say makes so much sense. It helps when someone can look at my situation and see it for what it is rather then for what I feel.

I really am trying to dissect it a little bit without complicating matters too much by over-analyzing it.

She possesses some traits that aren't very likable. It's OK not to like them about her. Doesn't mean I don't like her.
She's on the manipulative side. Doesn't mean it's on purpose.

When I read this quote, make me wonder who you are mad at?
Her for using him.
Him for letting her treat him that way?
Some combo?
Other?

Why am I mad?

I'm mad at her for not wanting to come to our house and not having an ability to explain to me a valid reason why.
I'm mad at her for hurting my husband's feelings.
I'm mad at her for hurting my feelings.
I'm mad at the fact that my husband is more then a neverending flow of money.
I'm mad at myself for not being able to LET IT GO.
I'm mad at him because he's able to be more grown up about it then I am.
I'm mad when he takes her for a "bite to eat" at a restaurant while the rest of us are eating grilled cheese and tomato soup to stay within a budget.
I'm mad that she doesn't want to hang out with us. What's wrong with us? Really? She says nothing at all, she just wants to live at her mom's. I don't get it.

My 20 year old son and my husband really, really  butt heads.  He prefers to live at my mom's while he's in college because it's easier for everyone. Including his commute. I'm in agreement. THAT situation makes sense to me.

This one doesn't.  

Nobody was butting heads. She just upped and decided one day that it's what she wanted. Says it's too stressful to go back and forth between households. Even though she's been doing it for 10 years. Is it in her best interest to be at her mom's house 80% of the time? I don't possibly see how.

I have no control over it at all. My husband gave in. I think it was a bad choice, but I understand why he did it. It just seems to make me so mad.

C'est la vie.  

[ForeverDad]

As painful as it is, I think the low(er) level of your DH's boundaries have compounded the pain.  Has he pondered the benefits of a phrase that was common a few decades ago, tough love?  I interpret that as love with boundaries or requirements.  Love is a bit dysfunctional if one-sided and open-ended, not appropriately reciprocated.

In a few months she'll be an ill-prepared adult.  She probably won't be able to schmooze college grades.  She probably won't be able to schmooze her future employers, or not for long.  It's one thing to let some things slide by, quite another if D17 is learning to manipulate and use people as she maneuvers through adult life.

She'll be out of the court's jurisdiction once she turns 18 and/or graduates, high school, right?  What is she likely to do when there's no order any more?  If DH think little perks and rescues will benefit her, odds are he'll regret enabling such things.

[BonusMom]

Hi, DreamGirl.

I just wanted to say I can relate to some of the things you feel although my SD's are ages 8 & 6. I'm afraid when they are teenagers, all of my effort might be for naught. I know it's normal for teenagers to individuate and break away from their parents, and they will usually want to go where resources are easier to come by, whether that's money, transportation, or whatever brings them more freedom, like less strict rules. Who knows what it is in this case. I know it must hurt, even though it's not really personal. It sounds like she may just be doing what teenagers do. I can totally understand how it feels personal and how you react, and please don't beat yourself up it. We ARE going to make mistakes as stepparents... .and as humans. It sounds like you're doing a heck of a job self-reflecting and trying to do what is right.

Have you read the book "Stepmonster?" I highly, highly recommend it. It's really helped give me and my BF some very important clarity about stepfamily dynamics and how everyone in our family feels, why we act the way we do, etc. It stresses the importance of boundaries and discusses why divorced and remarried men often have a hard time setting boundaries with their kids. It also stresses the importance of making the relationship between the stepparent and parent the highest priority if the marriage is going to succeed. I've found similar support and enlightenment reading Stepmom Magazine (an online only publication) and utilizing their message board, too.

[DreamGirl]

It sounds like she may just be doing what teenagers do. I can totally understand how it feels personal and how you react, and please don't beat yourself up it. We ARE going to make mistakes as stepparents... .and as humans. It sounds like you're doing a heck of a job self-reflecting and trying to do what is right.

Maybe she is. She does have less rules/more freedom at her mom's.

I also had a good friend tell me that she did kind of the same thing. It was more of a "here's a chance for her to be the mom I know she can be" and she went to live with her mom at 17 to find out that she just is who she is.

I don't know. I wish I could be that Zen spirit who says "Go, young one. Find your path. I will love you. I will wait for you. I will be here should you fall." Instead I'm like "you little brat... ."

Have you read the book "Stepmonster?"

I have.

I've actually got to meet Wednesday Martin, she was part of a seminar I went to [locally] and is friends with the therapist who facilitates a monthly support group for Stepmoms that I've attended in the past. The therapist is also a contributing writer to StepMom Magazine.

Perhaps I need to go back.

I appreciate your feedback a lot. I really thought my skill set had me excelling at this stepmom thing.

High horse... .dismounted.

[jennaberk]

Dream girl, I am new here so don't have tons to offer because my experience handling BPD (my husband's mom and sister) was handled by ceasing contact. Now that it is clear SD 14 is having the same characteristics, I am here. In the past, I tried to find answers on stepparenting pages. I love StepMom magazine but I feel like in some ways a BPD teen is like a regular teen but with the volume turned way up on all those undesirable behaviors, and most stepparent supports aren't equipped to handle both. So here I am!

As a stepmom, the book "The Enlightended Stepmother" was the absolute best I have read, and I think I've read them all. I wish it was the first one I saw. It's not on digital but my copy is worn and highlighted and had the best insight and supports when it comes to stepparenting.

As for the feelings you have, all I can say is that I feel as if you're reading my mind. If you find things that work let me know. I have felt all of what your describe. Sometimes I feel spiteful and sometimes I probably am. I used to think the problem was how I handled stepparenting, but I realized I had none of these issues or emotions toward my younger SD who doesn't show BPD traits. I am angry because sometimes my husband seems resigned to this, and he already lived his life dealing with his Mom and sister doing almost exactly the same behaviors. I am tired of being treated poorly and feeling hurt. I too put a lot of time into her and hoped it would impact her. I am tired of no accountability. In years to come I guess natural consequences will take hold--relationships will be unfulfilling for her, jobs unstable, and other things I've seen happen with my MIL and SIL who did not try to treat the BPD. But I also see that they just continue to blame everyone and anyone for their issues, so I am trying to not hope for some moment of clarity and just try to prepare for the worst if I have to. Easier said than done.