Fell in love with a succubus

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

First off I want to say that I've been referencing this site for a while now and have finally decided to post because of all the similarities and generally helpful responses. My undiagnosed BPDex and I were together for 2 years and have been broken up for about 7 months. I am 29 and she is 21. We dated for a while and found that we really enjoyed spending time together so she moved in to my parents house (huge mistake I know). She quickly became part of the family. We would do EVERYTHING together. She confided in me and I to her, I accepted her for her and she accepted me for me (or so I thought). Things were great until I started noticing how much she appeared to dislike herself, her appearance (she was beautiful). I would try everything to calm her down and reason with her which at first seemed to work and calm her down. I would tell her nobody is perfect, but she was perfect for me. My reasoning in these situations at some point started to just trigger what I can only describe as a demonic rage. Oh no, what have I gotten myself into... .

Time goes on with more of the same. God forbid if a scantily clad woman should come on a Hardee's  commercial. She started using my past against me, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse my way. There were definitely still good days, but I noticed that even at some point during these good days she would... .change. Find SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get angry about. This is about the time in the relationship when I met the other side. To this day, it is still very sad and hard to talk about, because I wanted nothing more than our relationship to work out and start the family we had been talking about. The first thing I noticed was the nail biting. Down to the bone. She would go get her nails all done up and pretty and just chew that money right off within a week. Then she started with the hair pulling. One night during an argument she asked me with cold, dark eyes if I believed she was Satan.

I would typically just write these occurrences off to her past/age. I found myself justifying her behaviors more and more because I genuinely cared about her and wanted the best for us. I was accepting of her behaviors and she was not accepting of mine. Porn, talking to other people (even friends), I would hide it all from her just to avoid an all-night argument. These would typically end with make-up sex, because if I didn't try and make-up with her she would cry herself to sleep. I felt SO HELPLESS. SEVERAL of these nights, she would get so loud and violent that it would wake my parents and it was all-out mayhem. This usually resulted in her being kicked out. VERY STRESSFUL!

The end came on one of these nights where a physical altercation (started by something completely trivial I'm sure) between her and I woke my parents. She was kicked out for good. A month went by and she came over and we were having a good time, until I offered her something to eat. Of course she accepted, because she wanted one thing, to go through my phone. Of course I had been talking to other females, we were broken up. It was strictly friendly and I had no desire to date anyone but her. I found I would talk to other people throughout the course of the relationship when things were bad, just to give myself some sort of reassurance that it wasn't me. She told me goodbye, took her dog that had moved in with us (whom I cared for like my own) and left.

It would be impossible to reiterate all of the occurrences, feelings, and emotions that this roller coaster of a relationship entailed. Though, I'm hoping someone here can offer some insight. Over the course of the 7 months we've been broken up, she has grown quite fond of blocking me and unblocking me from social media. She would never respond to anything I said, until recently. She said time to move on, there is nothing left, she doesn't need to talk to me, she just feels I need closure to move on, it was abusive not love, she was with other people over the course of our relationship, she is "happily" with someone new, she's happy this is the last time I'll be able to argue to her, and the bombshell that I wasted my ONE chance to talk to her when all I conveyed during this conversation was how I wanted to meet face to face and have an adult conversation (which she obviously declined because she's over me and happy). She said that I wasted it because I should have been embarrassed apologizing to her.

Any insight anyone could provide would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[backfromhell]

Hello all,

First off I want to say that I've been referencing this site for a while now and have finally decided to post because of all the similarities and generally helpful responses. My undiagnosed BPDex and I were together for 2 years and have been broken up for about 7 months. I am 29 and she is 21. We dated for a while and found that we really enjoyed spending time together so she moved in to my parents house (huge mistake I know). She quickly became part of the family. We would do EVERYTHING together. She confided in me and I to her, I accepted her for her and she accepted me for me (or so I thought). Things were great until I started noticing how much she appeared to dislike herself, her appearance (she was beautiful). I would try everything to calm her down and reason with her which at first seemed to work and calm her down. I would tell her nobody is perfect, but she was perfect for me. My reasoning in these situations at some point started to just trigger what I can only describe as a demonic rage. Oh no, what have I gotten myself into... .

Time goes on with more of the same. God forbid if a scantily clad woman should come on a Hardee's  commercial. She started using my past against me, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse my way. There were definitely still good days, but I noticed that even at some point during these good days she would... .change. Find SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get angry about. This is about the time in the relationship when I met the other side. To this day, it is still very sad and hard to talk about, because I wanted nothing more than our relationship to work out and start the family we had been talking about. The first thing I noticed was the nail biting. Down to the bone. She would go get her nails all done up and pretty and just chew that money right off within a week. Then she started with the hair pulling. One night during an argument she asked me with cold, dark eyes if I believed she was Satan.

I would typically just write these occurrences off to her past/age. I found myself justifying her behaviors more and more because I genuinely cared about her and wanted the best for us. I was accepting of her behaviors and she was not accepting of mine. Porn, talking to other people (even friends), I would hide it all from her just to avoid an all-night argument. These would typically end with make-up sex, because if I didn't try and make-up with her she would cry herself to sleep. I felt SO HELPLESS. SEVERAL of these nights, she would get so loud and violent that it would wake my parents and it was all-out mayhem. This usually resulted in her being kicked out. VERY STRESSFUL!

The end came on one of these nights where a physical altercation (started by something completely trivial I'm sure) between her and I woke my parents. She was kicked out for good. A month went by and she came over and we were having a good time, until I offered her something to eat. Of course she accepted, because she wanted one thing, to go through my phone. Of course I had been talking to other females, we were broken up. It was strictly friendly and I had no desire to date anyone but her. I found I would talk to other people throughout the course of the relationship when things were bad, just to give myself some sort of reassurance that it wasn't me. She told me goodbye, took her dog that had moved in with us (whom I cared for like my own) and left.

It would be impossible to reiterate all of the occurrences, feelings, and emotions that this roller coaster of a relationship entailed. Though, I'm hoping someone here can offer some insight. Over the course of the 7 months we've been broken up, she has grown quite fond of blocking me and unblocking me from social media. She would never respond to anything I said, until recently. She said time to move on, there is nothing left, she doesn't need to talk to me, she just feels I need closure to move on, it was abusive not love, she was with other people over the course of our relationship, she is "happily" with someone new, she's happy this is the last time I'll be able to argue to her, and the bombshell that I wasted my ONE chance to talk to her when all I conveyed during this conversation was how I wanted to meet face to face and have an adult conversation (which she obviously declined because she's over me and happy). She said that I wasted it because I should have been embarrassed apologizing to her.

Any insight anyone could provide would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[SoMadSoSad]

You and I were living the same life it seems. Welcome to the family.

[backfromhell]

Thank you for such a quick response. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one. I feel it's also pertinent to point out that during the last and pretty much only conversation we had since the breakup, she has a way of focusing on the end while I look at the relationship as a whole. In trying to rationalize this, I had an epiphany. All of her actions and emotions that she saturated me with eventually came back on her. Because of my (let's face it) EXTREME devotion to her, I became her. OF COURSE she would hone in on this, she "hates" herself.

[Sadly]

Welcome BFH
Insight
1. Thank god you are out of it.
2. You haven't wasted anything, it was one of life's learning curves.
3. Adult conversation declined, because she's not capable of having one.
4. Do not regret having children with her under any circumstances.
5. You have nothing whatsoever to apologise to her for.
6. Shame about the dog, get yourself a puppy to love, bet your parents won't mind after putting up with her sh*t for all that time.
Love from Sadly x

[backfromhell]

Thank you, Sadly! I've been needing to hear those things, but haven't felt worthy of forgiving myself. To clarify, we never got around to starting that family. At this point, I believe it was just wishful thinking.

[SoMadSoSad]

What were some of the things she projected on to you? Mines called me immature and disrespectful. I believe that is what can be seen in her actions during the relationship.

[Sadly]

No problem mate and please don't ever think you are not worthy. Quite frankly she is not worthy of you. Think about it? Somadsosad has got it. Why don't you write down all the bad hurtful things she said about you and to you and then all the good things you said and did for her. Then read it. She projected that stuff onto you so you didn't feel worthy, it's what they do. It's part of their serious mental illness, and think about that puppy.  x

[backfromhell]

@SoMad - All of the above, man. Literally every name in the book. I endured because of my wishful thinking that I could help this girl and that she would appreciate me more for sticking around and not ABANDONING her like all the people she told me about that had. "Oh, you're at your friends house, huh? Watching porn and partying with women I bet". "Oh, you like video games so you can play with all these animated whores?" "I'll never be as attractive to you as the girls you watch in porn."

She never took anything I told her seriously. It was fruitless to try and defend myself. I remember one night she called me close to 100 times back to back after I hung up on her because I wasn't going to argue with her while she's sitting at her desk at work. I thought that putting up with all of this and much more that she would eventually come to her senses and say, "Man, this guy really cares about me and my future". WRONG

[SoMadSoSad]

@SoMad - All of the above, man. Literally every name in the book. I endured because of my wishful thinking that I could help this girl and that she would appreciate me more for sticking around and not ABANDONING her like all the people she told me about that had. "Oh, you're at your friends house, huh? Watching porn and partying with women I bet". "Oh, you like video games so you can play with all these animated whores?" "I'll never be as attractive to you as the girls you watch in porn."

She never took anything I told her seriously. It was fruitless to try and defend myself. I remember one night she called me close to 100 times back to back after I hung up on her because I wasn't going to argue with her at work. I thought that putting up with all of this and much more that she would eventually come to her senses and say, "Man, this guy really cares about me and my future". WRONG

Oh dear, yes they HATE to be hung up on . And yes I also watched porn and was made out to be promiscuous because of it. Funny thing is I only did it because I believe I had a higher sex drive than her and she would say it felt like I was using her for sex sometimes so I cut back the sex and just watched porn. Another funny thing is she started watching porn also after me.  Also, my ex had a problem wit me playing video games and actually broke some of the accessories to my computer preventing me from playing at times. So now that you see similarities in our stories, you can see a pattern of disorder. Question is how can you heal and move on from this with the newfound info?

[backfromhell]

THE PUPPY! How I loved this dog! It got to the point where I felt if I gave up and broke up with her, that I was giving up on the dog too.

[backfromhell]

@SoMad - OMFG , the amount of times where she would hide a controller, cable, or just come over to my computer and just shut it off. Needless to say, I no longer own a copy of GTA5, to this day I have no idea what she did with it.

[backfromhell]

Honestly, I am at a loss for how to heal and move on. I feel I've tried everything, it's better some days and worse others. Due to younger, impulsive, and bad decision making it is hard for me to find and hold a job. I have only one friend aside from my parents that I can rely on. Overwhelmed, is a great one-word description of how I am feeling at this point.

[backfromhell]

Another side note about the relationship, which I'm sure informed readers of my story have already deduced. She was a cutter and loved to throw suicide in my face. So yeah, was terrified to give up.

[SoMadSoSad]

We dated the same girl i swear LOL. Have you read the help posts on here about detachment? There is a also a gauge on the right of this board to track detachment progress. I would suggest reading more stories on here, and reading up more on BPD itself to have a better understanding of how the relationship actually panned out and what steps you would need to take on learning/moving on from the experience. I'm far from an expert on this but I'm sure that this is something similar to what the elders on these boards would suggest

[backfromhell]

Just read lesson one and I feel as though I've just recently broke into the processing stage. I'm seeing useful information to keep in mind and red flags to look out for when I'm ready to love again.  By far the hardest thing for me right now is occupying my time. Namely, holding a job. It is so incredibly daunting. I have no idea how I'm going to get out of my parents house and on my own, which I so desperately want. This is what eats at me the most

[backfromhell]

I find myself nowadays being able to laugh at some of the things that would trigger her. Towards the beginning it would be her getting mad that I didn't get mad (exactly how it sounds). I would be skinned alive if I ever talked about us or our problems to anyone else but her. She got extremely mad when my mom herself invited her to Thanksgiving dinner (this was during one of many break-ups and an extremely positive and super-nice gesture from my mom).

@SoMad - It's funny she would call me disrespectful for these kind of things, when she in fact was the disrespectful one. Didn't give two sh*ts about waking my parents up, I would venture to say that she loved it and the drama.

"In the most troubled of relationships, it is not unusual for a “BPD” partner to abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that you cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive and leave you to feel confused and broken-hearted." Couldn't be more true and I experienced every single one of the 10 beliefs that keep you stuck.

[swampgas95]

Backfromhell,

Like others, I felt as though I was reading my story. Right down to the details and the "whore" comments. Almost word for word! If your timeline wasn't what it was, I would be tempted to message you and see if we dated the same girl! Even the age is the same. That was definitely an issue that I had. A lot of my friends that didn't understand BPD just said it was an age thing. (I was much older than her) As I didn't know anything about the disorder at the time, I really believed it too. I accepted a lot of her behavior simply believing that it was her age and lack of maturity. That facade began to crumble towards the end as I looked at friends of hers and people I know who are her age and saw that they were starting families and acting maturely, in spite of their age. She would talk about marriage one day (future faking) and then say she was too young to even think about it the next. The irony is that she immediately started posting a bunch of marriage related stuff on social media within days of the final discard. I'm sure it was just an attack on me, but it also shows that her identity is fluid at best.

I also feel like I'm talking to myself a few months ago. The aching in my chest, the constant anxiety, the lack of focus on anything, the insomnia, the existential questions, the self doubt, and everything else was as miserable as the relationship. Probably the worst period of my entire life. I remember wondering whether I would feel that way for the rest of my life. People would tell me what I'm about to tell you and I just wanted to punch them in the face. Here it goes. It seems impossible from where you are now, but it will get better. You will heal. You will get your life back together and move forward. I won't lie to you, it doesn't go away. You likely have some degree of PTSD because of what you have experienced. That may not ever go away completely, but it will get better.

I am an in a loving meaningful relationship with a great woman now, but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my BPDex. Not a day that I'm driving and don't look at the license plates of the cars that look like hers (I'm not even sure if she lives here anymore), not a day that I don't feel a full range of emotions from hatred, to sadness, to confusion, to empathy, and everything in between. I won't speak for everyone here, but I would guess that most feel something similar. I don't tell you this to discourage you. I'm telling you this so that you will have realistic expectations about your healing process. This is trench warfare. It will be won an inch at a time. Focus on the steps right in front of you and commend yourself for the small victories. You deserve it.

I remember being at a friends house on what would have been my 4 year anniversary and I was a little down. He started to get on me for it and I went off on him saying "Look man, it's supposed to be my anniversary, she's probably off with my replacement somewhere, and I was supposed to be in the Dominican with her right now! I'd say the fact that I am here by the pool, with friends, trying to smile and have a good time is a pretty big f-ing victory for me. I may not be perfect, but I'm proud of where I am today. Let me have my small victories!"

I'm not one to ever really get upset, so my friend knew I was serious. He definitely shut up, Lol.

You need to do the same. You got out of bed today, you went for a walk, you spent time with friends, you went on this website, or whatever else. They are all victories. That's the best advice I can give you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you will look back and feel proud of how far you've come. Even a few steps is farther than you were the day before. You have a great family of support on this site. Use it. You're not alone in either your struggle or your experiences. I hope that helps.

[Sadly]

Well BFH, one thing they do well is a right old number on your confidence trust me on that. I understand why you want to leave your parents home but you need to take things slowly, step by step and right now I think you need help from them to get you through this awful experience. It's good to have family at times like this, I wish I still had my mum and dad. The family here help me too and they will help you. I know you mentioned younger impulse and bad decisions regarding work, well let me tell you are are also very much not alone in that either. When you are feeling a bit more balanced in yourself perhaps you could start looking at courses or training, you're still young and anyway it's never too late honestly. Is there anything you think you might fancy trying out?

[backfromhell]

@Swampgas - Wow, very compelling words, almost in tears from reading. Thank you for your kindness!

@Sadly - The younger, impulsive, and bad decision making I'm referring to resulted in legal trouble and therefore a severe unmotivated feeling towards jobs. I tell myself that no one will hire me (especially in the areas that I'm skilled at), that I'm easily replaceable.

[Sadly]

Well now, that's what my dad always used to start these conversations with 
Well now, we literally all make mistakes, some big, some small, all human. If you tell yourself no one will hire you then they won't, right? They didn't tell you that, you did. Have they told you you are easily replaceable? No, you did. They haven't had a chance to tell you anything. Because you haven't given anyone a chance not even yourself. It seems your confidence is at an all time low, the last thing you needed was to meet a loony, sorry, BPD person.
Draw yourself a recovery plan. Something like
Read here, learn about BPD and its consequences.
Maybe try some therapy, study, on gaining confidence.
Decide the past is the past and see it for the youthful mistake it was.
Try to re enter the working world you left and if you can't do that are there any offshoots in employment of a similar nature that you could get into.
All of the above mean that one day you will be able to have your own roof over your head, an ultimate goal. My first own roof over my head was no bigger than most people's garden shed but it was my space and a great achievement.
And while your doing all that good stuff get yourself a dog,  . Nothing like a bit of unconditional love from a furry friend to remind you what love is all about.
Am I sounding a bit bossy? Sorry.
One of my mums favourite sayings used to be " take a chance, and you'll never be sorry for a might have been" Good one isn't it?
Love from Sadly x

[backfromhell]

@Sadly - Truly, a good one. I will be coming and reading here everyday, I can assure you that. This was all very hard to do basically alone. Sure, my parents are there for me. Though, they don't quite get it. I'm thoroughly happy to have registered on this board.

[Sadly]

Good, your'e doing great already, you are going to get loads of help here. I'm glad you have your parents, maybe they could read about it too. None of us got it believe me, until we discovered that what we had been struggling with, feeling that we were unloveabley inadequate at best and barking mad ( there's that bloody dog again)  at worst was actually down to meeting someone with a severe mental illness. Then the  moments flash thick and fast. Also the interesting thing is discovering why we attracted or where attracted by these people in the first place. Mine was loneliness, and there was me thinking I wasn't lonely, just super indepenant. For others it's lack of confidence, a multitude of reasons. I love my ex still, very much, and sometimes flounder from minute to minute never mind day to day, like I said, small steps and lots of reading and posting here.   x

[backfromhell]

At this point I'm just throwing down thoughts into this thread, . It's interesting to note that the best way she could keep me around (aside from sex) was to pretend to rationalize with me. She would say, "I'm such a mess, I'm so lucky to have you, you put up with so much, and I don't know what I would do without you." This was very convincing. Yet, it never did change.

[backfromhell]

Hard day so far, always wake up thinking about her... .

[backfromhell]

Can't stop wondering about her reaching out to me the other day. Was this just her having a bored week and felt like attacking me? She called it closure for me, but it felt really negative and like she was placing all blame on me.

[backfromhell]

Major fall cleaning today. Absolutely astonished at the sheer volume of sh*t of hers that is still around here. Even after she hauled trash bags upon trash bags of stuff away. Feels good more than it hurts. Feel like I can breathe in my room and office again.

Still welcome any input, insight, or questions about my story/experience! Sure I'm here to help myself. I believe informing people about my story will not only do that, but hopefully through this process it can positively influence someone elses situation/life as well. I'm an open book ( =

Thanks everyone for your support! Hugs

[Sadly]

Sorry BFH, in the worst place ever right now but thank you for posting/sharing. Will come back when I am more balanced and less devastated. Well done for the steps you have taken so far.    x

[backfromhell]

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, Sadly! 

[amunt]

she asked me with cold, dark eyes

The eyes ... .you remind me her eyes man.
It were times that her eyes was so dead hollow and evil , i remember them and i get chills

I read somewhere that all Borderlines have these type of dead eyes, anyone else notice this?

[backfromhell]

Can't stop thinking about her and my replacement. She can't be as happy as she said she was during our last conversation. If she were so happy she wouldn't have contacted me and rubbed it in my face, right? This has to be her attacking me and it f-ing worked.

[backfromhell]

Really could use some input on this ) =

[fromheeltoheal]

Can't stop thinking about her and my replacement. She can't be as happy as she said she was during our last conversation. If she were so happy she wouldn't have contacted me and rubbed it in my face, right? This has to be her attacking me and it f-ing worked.

What you're doing is ruminating BFH, thinking about the situation over and over in your head, totally normal at this stage, as you grieve the loss of the relationship and make sense of the world again.  How are you feeling about it right now?

[backfromhell]

Idk exactly, my emotions are running wild. I'm conflicted for sure, . Part of me wants her back, wants her to see what I've accomplished since our separation. The more realistic side of me knows I deserve better. I think about all the stuff I boxed up in the attic, how it once meant so much. There's pretty irreplaceable things in that box. Letters and cards that she got from her family. I think how, how could she just discard such irreplaceable things? I'm still doing a lot of analyzing, I know. I can't help it!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm conflicted for sure, . Part of me wants her back, wants her to see what I've accomplished since our separation. The more realistic side of me knows I deserve better.

I'm still doing a lot of analyzing, I know. I can't help it!

And you're doing it because you're conflicted.  Humans do that, when we're confused we try and "figure it out", solve the problem, make sense of the world again.  And you will make sense of things again, it takes what it takes, and the best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, eat right, sleep enough, hydrate, get a little exercise, spend time with supportive people.  Are you doing those things BFH?

[backfromhell]

Trying to... .I only have a couple supportive people other than parents. I drink a lot of water, exercise off and on, eating not too bad could be better. I was really adamant about these things after the initial break up. I won't lie, I could be taking better care of myself.

[JerryRG]

backfromhell, did your ex lie to you?

Mine couldn't tell the truth, the logical thing to do, in my opinion is to not believe her at all. My exgf said she's so happy and in love with the new guy, nope, she's tried to get involved in my life a few times and triangulates her bf with me. She hasn't changed one bit except maybe worse,  at least I'm honest with her, her bf thinks she's cured, healed by god.

He's just as delusional as she is. He's just another codependent rescuer like I was, I got away and seen the truth.

Why believe them now?

[fromheeltoheal]

I won't lie, I could be taking better care of myself.

Well there you go then.  If you focus on taking care of yourself very well, you won't be focusing on her, one, and two, you'll get the benefits that show up of taking care of yourself very well: sleeping better, having more confidence, feeling more centered, being able to concentrate better, having more energy, all good yes?

[backfromhell]

she's tried to get involved in my life a few times and triangulates her bf with me

I've heard this term triangulate being used, what does this mean exactly?

@fromheel - Yes, indeed all good. Though, I just feel unmotivated ) =

[JerryRG]

My exgf said her bf was abusing her and begged me to help her, said all kinds of things about him. Then she probably runs back to him and tells him horrible things about me.

She craves attention and will do/say anything to get it

[backfromhell]

Yeah, you're right. I have no reason to believe her now. She just seems so truthful now, with changing her number and playing the block game, how her schedule challenges her, she's forgiven herself, and so on and so forth. Her words ring so loudly in my head.

[keepitmovin]

My exgf said her bf was abusing her and begged me to help her, said all kinds of things about him. Then she probably runs back to him and tells him horrible things about me.

She craves attention and will do/say anything to get it

My ex did the same... .tells me she's pregnant and engaged less than 2 weeks of breaking up, asks me to not contact her.  2 weeks later reaches out asking for help because she is being abused and misses me.  I ignored all her attempts.  A week later she's married to this guy she's been with maybe 1.5 months.  You can't make this up and so very relived that I'm free.

[backfromhell]

Finally mustered up enough courage to just block her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Finally mustered up enough courage to just block her.

Good for you BFH!  Do you see that as a step towards you taking care of yourself better?  How does it feel now?

[backfromhell]

Yeah, I guess so. I've always been available to her when she unblocks me, so it's time to change that. It hurts, a lot. Going from doing everything together to this, it really has done a number on my confidence. Though, I feel this might be a step in the right direction.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I guess so. I've always been available to her when she unblocks me, so it's time to change that. It hurts, a lot. Going from doing everything together to this, it really has done a number on my confidence. Though, I feel this might be a step in the right direction.

Yes, I understand, letting go of a relationship, and letting go of the hope that it could work, even when we know letting go is the right thing to do for us, is very painful.  Your confidence will return as you work though the stages of detachment though, the only way out is through, and it's helpful to also start thinking, just a little bit, of the bright future you'll create, it gives you something to aim for as you go through all the emotions.

[backfromhell]

I will not lie, half of me is doing it in hopes that she will reach out in the future. ) =

[fromheeltoheal]

I will not lie, half of me is doing it in hopes that she will reach out in the future. ) =

Yes, going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, letting go of hope entirely, is a big emotional leap.  You don't have to do much to let go though, you just let go, a necessary part of detachment, and if you're not there yet, you're not there, and that's OK.  Borderlines do hate to lose attachments though, it's the worst thing that can happen, so you can expect her to reach out at some point, and the question is what will you do then?  Contact attempts are actually great in that they allow us to get immediate feedback as to how our detachment is going.  Something to think about yes?

[backfromhell]

No idea what I will do then, hopefully I've met someone better by that point. Indeed, I have a lot to think about.

[Milka]

Backfromhell it all sounds so familiar... .

It's not easy to cut them off completely. The glimpses of hope always stay and in
my experience even though they are not worth anything and we know it, we still miss them and find it hard to imagine that we may never ever talk to them again. I've known my ex for just over 3 years. Our relationship lasted on and off about 2 years. We've been broken up for almost a year now and even though I cut him off he never ever disappeared. He already secured himself a replacement of me before our relationship ended, but everytime things would go wrong between them he would reach out to me. I was strong, had him blocked for the first few months but later he found his sneaky way to speak to me. I met him just to see if I could cope with it. I missed him too which is the most unexplainable part for me as he was a callous, evil boyfriend most of the time we were together! Meeting him helped as I realised I wasn't addicted to him anymore, I didn't love him anymore... But it didn't stop me from making a mistake. I started seeing him too often. Stupidly I was almost always available when he wanted me to! There was some progress, as I could say no to him sometimes, which I could never do when in a relationship with him. It's unreal how he could manipulate me then to be so crazy about him despite of all the horrible things he would do to me. Anyway, I stupidly became his friend and it all ended horribly wrong again. He used me and was lying, he ended up seeing me and telling me he loved me and wanted me back, and behind my back started seeing his most recent ex telling her exactly the same. Now neither of us speaks to him anymore, we decided to cut him off for good this time. These people are master manipulator and whatever you give them, they will want more and ultimately use you and hurt you. My ex has proven to be incapable of having a relationship and now I also know he can't even be a decent friend.

Give yourself all the time you need and work on detaching yourself. Even if you choose to ever talk to her again be sure your feelings are not there anymore so that whatever she does to hurt you again, you won't be hurting anymore. I'm not really hurting this time round. The disappointment is still there, I guess it's human nature to have some hope in people, even in the ones who are absolutely hopeless.

[backfromhell]

I guess it's human nature to have some hope in people, even in the ones who are absolutely hopeless.

Hit the nail on the head. This is why it hurts so much is because I truly believed she wanted someone who would stick by her. So that's what I tried to do.

[backfromhell]

Still can't stand the thought of her with someone else. Such a love/hate paradox

[Milka]

I've been there too. Hated him with passion when we broke up and felt relieved thinking he was someone else's problem not mine anymore, yet part of me felt jealous, I was dreading bumping into them in case they would look happy and loved up which then would probably had killed me. It was my subconsciousness creating the perfect image of us without his BPD. I always remembered the moments when he was my perfect man and I wanted to hold on to them fantasizing about what we could have had if... .But then I would always pinch myself to remember that there was no if, that he was still the same troubled person. They didn't last, of course, and now if I see him with someone else I won't feel jealous, just sorry for the new victim. I need to completely block the idealistic thoughts of what we could have had and then I will be alright. I think you need to remember the same.

[C.Stein]

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