Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:44:01 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Son's mother avoiding contact  (Read 414 times)
JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« on: October 10, 2016, 10:56:53 AM »

Hello everyone

Son and I have been sick and he's developed a rash on his face, I don't think it's anything very serious but I have to take him to his doctor today, I asked his grandmother if we should inform his mother and she said she still has no way to contact her daughter. Not sure what's going on, she just isn't there for our son anymore. And I know she got child support this month so no excuses about not being able to buy a phone or service plan.

See my lawyer today at 3, maybe he can suggest something that would resolve this issue.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2016, 11:18:07 AM »

I doubt your order states you must go to extraordinary lengths to keep your child's mother informed.  If you don't have a simple way, then perhaps informing her mother as you've already done could very well be sufficient.  Your lawyer may help you determine what the trigger level is for reaching out to her.  In this instance, it's just a rash, not like he broke a leg and needs surgery and weeks of care.  Going to the pediatrician makes sense since you want an expert's guidance on what health issues may be involved.  However, kids get sick.  A lot.  Often passed around by playmates and schoolmates.

While you want to make sure you give no real basis to be accused of actively blocking, you can run yourself ragged if every scrape or illness makes you feel obligated to inform.  Making a reasonable effort to inform, such as informing grandmother when you lack ways to contact mother, ought to be sufficient.

Reaching an equilibrium on what to worry about, and how much effort should be involved, is a process, not an event.  You'll 'grow' into it. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2016, 02:49:53 PM »

Thank you Foreverdad

My son has viral gastroenteritis and an allergic reaction on his face, which may develope into inpentigo later on. Dr is giving my son an antibiotic and I can apply hydrocortisone on his cheeks.

Do you believe mother is being a responsible parent by not giving our son any access to her?
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2016, 12:11:42 AM »

No,  she isn't,  as has been evident by all of the stories you've told.  You know what you need to do in order to take care of him,  and you're doing it.  Making her the parent you wish her to be is impossible,  so stop trying and do the minimum,  responsible things required for the sake of your son.  He doesn't need to know that his mother may not be there for him,  but only that you are by your actions. 

What did your lawyer say?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2016, 02:37:16 AM »

Hello Turkish

My lawyer is swamped, my sponser was right. He is going to go one of 2 routes, either full custody, and she could resist which would drag things out, she wants the child support because she don't want to work. Or redo the ro on her bf, she would and has already picked her bf over our son so get the ro and she's gone.

I expressed my belief she has no resources other than his child support so I don't know how she would fight any court battle.

My lawyer said it would be good if I had documented each time I had my son, I may be able to piece that evidence together. I'm sure her family would cooperate because they are all just as disgusted with mothers selfish behaviours.

Sister in law told me yesterday to GET HIS CS away from her. She said to completely cut mom out of my and my son's life like she no longer existed.

I found out my son's mother went on a woman's retreat this last weekend, wth does she need rest for? I have chemo, I've had fever and sick as a dog for the whole weekend while she rests? She's had him one day in 2 weeks?

And who's paying for her to have fun? No wonder she cannot afford a cell phone. Just unreal.

She don't have our son and blows his money on retreats

I'm just a little bit angry, lawyer asked if she were still on meth because he's never heard of a mother as strange as her.

On top of telling me last week that she was cured, didn't need the treatment she thought she did just weeks prior. If you're cured, why can't you care for our son?

Makes no sense, total insanity

Oh and while she's off enjoying herself my son has viral gastroenteritis and an allergic reaction on his face, which may develope into inpentigo later on. Dr is giving my son an antibiotic and I can apply hydrocortisone on his cheeks. Him and I are enjoying being sick together.

My gosh I can't help hating his mother sometimes
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2016, 08:23:46 AM »

I remember the emotions I had with my now ex. I couldn't believe the things she did years back. That was in 2007. Nine years later her behavior is pretty much the same with our two boys. I no longer get upset because I have come to accept that their mom is the way she is and probably always will be. I communicate through email only. I only send emails when I think the courts would want me to. There are times that I see no point in communicating and I don't. If I go to court I have the last few years to back up my reasoning.
In the beginning I sent emails about all kinds of things pertaining to our boys. The responses I received helped me decide what was necessary to communicate about and what was not.
Your son needed to see a doctor. You took him. You tried to contact his mom. No court can punish you for that since everything you did was reasonable and in the boys best interest.
Your son is lucky he has someone looking out for him. He will figure that out in his own way.
My ex used alienation tactics in the beginning and that backfired on her. Our boys got very angry with her. Their anger has dissipated to a large extent and they have come to accept their mom for who she is. They don't go to her when they have a problem or need help. There are a lot of kids that have no one to go to.
Avoiding contact may be what your son's mom believes is best and maybe she is right. I don't think she would say that but her actions do.
Logged

JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2016, 08:48:00 AM »

Thank you David

I'm staying home from work today, son is still sleeping, both still sick.

Got a message from grandmother a few minutes ago, mother went to daycare yesterday and found out our son wasn't there.

Does this mean she's changed? She's suddenly become responsible? No!

If she would be responsible and aquire a phone, (I know she has money to buy one) none of this would be relivant.

She made the choice, she abandons our son in day care and then chooses to not have a phone so no one can contact her? Responsible parenting? No.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2016, 10:39:54 AM »

Your goal should be to remove the emotions and emotional distress from your life and from these issues.  Otherwise you'll be repeatedly blasted from on side then another.  And you'll just be doing it to yourself.

In some respects I'll agree with your sister, making a deal feeling sorry for her or opening the door just so she can get Child Support can backfire and enable her to cause continuing problems for you.  How?  Odds are she would use it more for herself rather than for her child's benefit.

I have always advocated that the more stable and reasonable parent needs to have as good and strong an order as possible, later, once that has been achieved, the parent can risk being nice and making occasional niceties.  We aren't mean when we seek and build firm boundaries.

My ex was able to have lawyers for years.  Some of it during the divorce was no doubt her lawyer expected to get a portion of her marital portion.  Once child support ended nearly 3 years ago, her entitlement and conflict ramped down significantly and we haven't been in court since then.  She still hates me, we can't even have a normal conversation but at least we haven't been back in court.

As has been commented before, don't enable her to rent space in your head.  Reserve that space for the one who really needs it, your child.
Logged

JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2016, 10:55:29 AM »

Thank you ForeverDad

I heard this very same thing from my dear pastor just this morning, "You can easily deal with her by not giving her power in your life to manipulate your emotions."

Blah! Sooner or later I will catch on. I allow her to bother me. It's a choice.

It's like disiplining my son, if I don't he's unmanageable and it bothers me when he does things he knows he's not suppose to. If I do disipline him, disiplining myself to disipline him, we both have a much more peaceful coexistence.

If I do not control my emotional state with regard to his mother I will inevitably live in torment.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2016, 11:29:48 AM »

It does take time. Took me about three years to really get her out of my head.
I believe when she realized what was happening she ramped up her email attacks towards me. I did nothing as far as replying to her accusations. That led to more and different accusations. Sometimes it took her a week and a half for her to calm down. The accusations became more and more bizarre as the week progressed. That's when I was better able to read between the lines of her emails and see that she was having a crisis of some sort. Sometimes I would find out, from our boys, what was going on with her and it all added up and made sense.
Logged

JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2016, 01:27:44 PM »

Thanks David

Yes it takes time, I would love to walk away so I could finally forget, unfortunately that's not a reality for a while.

Logged
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2016, 03:27:53 PM »

Hi Jerry,
    I think walking away without a shared responsibility with them is hard to, so don't kick yourself. I wonder if she went to pick him up because she wants to make an effort at times... .to keep up her money coming in... .It's just really sad. I am glad you are moving forward with your lawyer. I am sorry you both are feeling poorly. I hope you feel better soon. 
Logged
JerryRG
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2016, 01:34:40 AM »

Thank you Herodias

I'm not doing very well, pushing myself too hard and now I'm wore out, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm doing all I can to help get my son into a safe environment and my lawyer will get there too.

Missed a lot of meetings the past 2 weeks, something very critical for my recovery, hanging out with an angry 2 year old who's miserably sick isn't for cowards.

He's a normal 2 year old, testing and pushing my buttons until he's sick, then he clings to me, cries, throws things, removes his dirty diaper on my carpet, spits food at me, throws large toys at me, throws water on the bathroom floor, plays in his food with his hands then cries because his hands are sticky, throws his clothes out of the drawers, won't get dressed, gets up from bed, slaps my face, spits in my face, pokes me in the eyes, scratches me, stands by my door because I won't pick him up, throws his breakfast on the bathroom floor because I need to shower, screams at me for telling him he cannot do any of these things. He even got angry at me because he stubbed his own toe. Hmmm

And is this normal? My girls were nothing like this.

He's a terrorist and he actually scares me. I spank him and he screams at me and spits at me. Is he wired like his mother? Did she do this to him? Am I a horrible father?

All the while I'm trying to get what I need to get done to funtion, and work and pay bills and entertain my son when I'm not moaning in pain.

And his mother?

Oh, her life is so stressful she needs to go on a retreat and relax.

Something is very wrong with this picture.

I'm drawing lines in the sand tomorrow, her family has to decide, they are either with me or against me. No middle ground, no half hearted promises. You help me with my son and take his mother down and get my son's child support to him as is his right. Or... .I'm going to burn out and you all can figure out what to do while I'm off in another state relaxing on my retreat.

I am done with this croud of enablers
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!