xw doesn't return lunch containers

[bus boy]

Xw doesn't return my plastic containers that I pit in s10's  lunch can. She claims she doesn't have them. I put them in his lunch can and don't get them back, if I do get them  acknowledge it's weeks later and they still have left over food in them. I never do that to her, she gets her dishes back cleaned and I also send his clothes back washed and folded. Today I open up s10's  clothes bag and the clothes in it are dirty.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

I know. My ex wife also sometimes will not bathe the kids and she'll say that they need a bath on switch on and switch off days, there are two parents in her home and I'm a single dad. My advise is pick your battles, I don't JADE because it's not worth the effort, I'll bathe the kids, I buy clothes that's just for my house and send them back with what they were wearing from mom's, I'll wash their clothes they're dirty etc. If I mention it to her, she'll blame me.

Xw doesn't return my plastic containers that I pit in s10's  lunch can. She claims she doesn't have them. I put them in his lunch can and don't get them back, if I do get them  acknowledge it's weeks later and they still have left over food in them.

At least you do get them back. I understand how frustrating that would feel.

[whirlpoollife]

I understand the frustrations too.  It's like they still control us through all the little things we do just because we are nons.  So now instead of doing just an everyday thing we have to conform to go around their actions.  Everything disposable for lunch for when your S goes to mom .
My D showers before she heads to dads , showers when she gets back and they have laundry . ( I know him well enough that  he wants them to use my utilities not his) .
maybe say in a subtle way each time... .oh mom didn't wash your clothes for you? I think she would like I do.    Normally we wouldnt think twice and take care but the kids need pointed out that otherwise it gets one direction.

Schools pics... .I orderd one like I used to but then it disappeared at dads till I asked for it, so now I wait and order it directly from the photo company. 

On the clothes ... .add that to your list of what you do as a parent.

[Turkish]

Think of it like a single dad as Mutt says.

I find zip-loc baggies of various sizes work for anything.  Grapes (and other fruit),  meat, cheese,  crackers.

[Ulysses]

Hi Bus Boy,

I remember going through this, as well, with xH.  I spent a lot of energy feeling really upset.  I don't judge myself for it - it's where I was at the moment.  It was hard in some ways because before our divorce, I was a stay at home mom and the lunches were part of my "job."  Suddenly I send the containers and lunchboxes I had chosen and taken care of to the xh, and if they came back at all, they came back with rotting, moldy food.

I spent energy emailing, asking him to return things.  Didn't do any good.

I talked to my kids about trying to bring things back, but I think they were just too young, especially my D.  I didn't want to push them in this way.

So I switched to plastic baggies on the days they go with to his house after school.  The kids' don't get any hot lunch because I don't pack a thermos (those are kind of expensive to keep replacing).  They know it's because I've had to throw out so many containers that were sent to their dad's.  I try to be matter-of-fact about it, and I think I am now.  But I imagine they could see through my calm act and knew I was annoyed about it all.

If their dad sends his containers my way, I wash them.  Although I'm starting to have second thoughts about that, and would like to just pitch them back in the backpack and send them back dirty.  What a struggle - deciding on my character and what type of person I want to be via kids' lunch box containers.  Now that I type it out, it sounds ludicrous.

Whirlpoollife brings up a point for me to think about, which is telling the children I would expect their dad to do x,y, or z, like I do.  I talked to the kids about dirty lunch containers, gross, new ones cost money, etc., but I'm not sure I ever said, I would think your dad would wash them.  I imagine that's the impression they got, but I don't think I ever said it like that. 

I feel your frustration, bus boy, I really do.  If I could give advice to my two-years-ago self, it would be to use plastic baggies, and if necessary, paper bags, and go for a run to get my frustration out.

[bus boy]

Great feed back, I never thought containers could be such an issue. I'm not giving Xw the satisfaction of asking again for my containers. I will buy baggies. I will continue on the path of acting like a mature adult and send her containers back clean and s10's clothes will go back home washed. It takes to much good energy to act like Xw. To me it's an automatic adult reaction to wash the containers and clothes. I'm not using my good energy trying to decide on childish get her back games. Let her play that one.

[Moselle]

I'm not using my good energy trying to decide on childish get her back games. Let her play that one.

Great idea. 

[sanemom]

I'm not using my good energy trying to decide on childish get her back games. Let her play that one.

Great idea. 

Negative engagement is still engagement, and that is all she wants.

[Thunderstruck]

We have the same issue. 3 weeks and 3 lunch boxes went to uBPDbm's, none returned despite repeated requests. The next week we sent SD11's lunch in a plastic grocery store bag. uBPDbm claimed we were neglectful. ::eyeroll emoji::.

Great feed back, I never thought containers could be such an issue. I'm not giving Xw the satisfaction of asking again for my containers. I will buy baggies. I will continue on the path of acting like a mature adult and send her containers back clean and s10's clothes will go back home washed. It takes to much good energy to act like Xw. To me it's an automatic adult reaction to wash the containers and clothes. I'm not using my good energy trying to decide on childish get her back games. Let her play that one.

   Perfect.

[Fie]

Good on you !
I recognize the problem. The dad of my daughter is autistic and I also get dirty lunchboxes, dirty cloths (or no cloths at all), dirty daughter etc.
I used to point it out but it helped 0% and all that happened was I got angry. It's calmer since I choose my battles.

[david]

I use zip lock bags for the sandwich and snacks. I use the plastic bags from the food stores as the container. I explained it to our boys as recycling and they liked the idea.

[Turkish]

I sometimes use a gallon freezer bag to contain the whole lunch, his name written on it. It looks like he's a "poor" kid. Actually, a lot of the parents in the district won't come up with the $2 for their kids' lunches, so it does look like we can't afford a lunch box. I use this as motivation for S6 to keep track of his bag.