watching the fallout...sad

[sanemom]

We have two college aged kids who have been manipulated by their BPD mom, and we have a 16 year old who is supposed to have supervised visits with BPD mom starting last week.

First, no visit has been set up.  The weekend before they were to be set up, DSS18 went to BPD mom's house for the weekend (he lives on campus at college).  The next day he overdosed and is now inpatient.  He has been so stressed out lately, and he kept asking me if "the drama" was over.  I kept telling him he is 18, and he has the choice to stay out of it.  I don't think he knows how to set a boundary with BPD mom.  And of course he would never tell me that BPD mom is stressing him out because he desperately wants to protect her. The oldest is too far away to mess with; the youngest is with us; he is her only victim.  He is the only one who has been trying desperately to maintain a relationship with both parents; the other two cut DH off with her pressure.  I feel like he just broke.  He desperately does not want to believe that BPD mom is who she is.

She saw DH at the hospital the other night and did not make eye contact.  She is usually one to go on and on over social media when a child is in the hospital, but she didn't this time... .maybe because this time it sounds bad for her (even though I am sure she is trying to blame it on DH).

After she visited with him, some of DSS18's friends did (they had some small talk with DH prior to them going in).  Then one of the friends came out and told DH that DSS18 didn't want to see him.  The reason?  Because when DH sent a note to DSS18 in the hospital, it was typewritten so that must mean he doesn't really care.  Yup... .now DSS18 is cutting DH off.  I think the reason sounded weird to his friend who relayed the message to DH because later, DSS18 called DH to apologize.  I bet the friend was telling him how ridiculous he sounded and that it was clear DH DOES care.

I am really worried about him.  After what happened, DH left some court paperwork for the therapist to read over showing what DSS18 has gone through this past year and how the court is protecting the 16 year old from the alienation.  I hope the therapist reads it--we will never know since he is an adult now.

I am also worried about the 16 year old waiting for mom to arrange a visit.   I would have had one arranged the day the no-contact period ended, but she isn't like other moms.  He is really happy at our house, but there was a blip last week when his sister tried to get him dragged into some drama with his BPD mom.  I think it took him a couple of days to rejoin our family after that.

There are times I wonder if we hadn't have fought so much in court, would DSS18 be suffering this much?  I mean, would BPD mom have been so forceful in her alienation if we weren't fighting?  Does that make sense?  It just feels like a lose-lose for these kids.

[Panda39]

Hi Sanemom,

I'm so sorry to hear about DSS18 it sounds like he is really struggling. 

My SO's younger daughter made suicidal threats at school and was taken to the hospital and admitted to inpatient treatment for 2 weeks when she was 14.  She was ultimately diagnosed with PTSD.  As hard as the crisis was I was actually optimistic.  I felt that finally someone would look at this dysfunctional family, intervene, and help this poor kid who was struggling... .interestingly she was also the child that during our alienation period that was trying to have a relationship with both parents.  Obviously a really hard place to be.

They took away her phone she was able to have visitors and make a brief nightly call home, but I always thought it must have been such a relief to cut that umbilical cord her mother used to blow FOG incessantly.  She received meaningful therapy for the first time.  (Her regular therapist was not effective both with helping D14 and upholding boundaries with uBPDmom.) She was learning coping skills... .including how to set boundaries, she saw a Psychiatrist, was put on medication that helps, and was connected with a more effective therapist that has been helpful with my SO's daughter and can handle her boundary testing mother.

This is a hard thing that you are all going through but it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  This crisis might be what is needed for DSS18 to finally open up and talk with someone about his feelings, and see things in a new way.  I'm hopeful for him and you all.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[sanemom]

Hi Sanemom,

I'm so sorry to hear about DSS18 it sounds like he is really struggling. 

 I felt that finally someone would look at this dysfunctional family, intervene, and help this poor kid who was struggling... .interestingly she was also the child that during our alienation period that was trying to have a relationship with both parents.  Obviously a really hard place to be.

I hope this works for him, too.  My main concern is that he called BPD mom to take him to the hospital; gave her the code (and not us) so we could not call him or see him those first few days.  So the "cord" that was cut was the one to us.  Who knows what BPD mom told the intake personnel.  He was there five days before we decided we had to take the chance and provide the court docs outlining the trauma he has been through, and we can only hope they will read it since he is "an adult."  We hope they don't show him the paperwork either as we think it would be harmful to him, but since we don't know who his therapist is, we can't talk with the therapist (though we did write an intro note discussing our concerns about that).

I don't trust that most therapists understand alienation dynamics, but hopefully they understand that an 18 year old kid should not be taking care of his mom.

His younger brother was in the same hospital before and after he was rejecting his dad (so they saw the change after the intense reunification program), and we also suggested that the hospital review his paperwork for a clearer picture.

I just hope they do read the info, or they may be reinforcing to DSS that we don't care about him (and whatever else his BPD mom is trying to convince him about us).

[Panda39]

I would hope that DSS18's caregivers would look at everything provided to them so they can get to the cause of his suicide attempt.  I would think all information is good.  Hopefully the professionals there can help DSS18 work through his feelings and give him some support, he like my SO's daughter might need some medication too. 

I hope that he is only allowed limited contact with his mother while inpatient and yes you guys too.  I felt that way with my SO's daughter, that she just needed to be away from it all and be in a place where she only focused on herself and her needs, not everyone else.  These kids are put in the middle and there is so much pressure on them it's so sad.

Panda39

[Boss302]

First, I'm really sorry to hear about all this. It sounds like an awful situation.

I guess my first assumption is that the 18 year old didn't get his hands on whatever he overdosed on from his mother, or was engaging in that at her house. My guess is that if this were the case, you'd have said so.

Honestly, listening to your story, I've long wondered if the "attraction" for the two older kids living with their mom was that she let them do whatever they wanted to. For teenagers, that can include inappropriate activities like drug use. My ex let our oldest daughter "make her own rules," which included taking a year off from high school. How many kids would do that if they could? Plenty.

Just a suspicion... .

My other question is - what does your husband's therapist and the 16-year-old's therapist think here? I think you need some solid professional advice.

And I wouldn't beat myself up over the 18-year-old's actions here. He IS a grown-up, legally speaking. When I was 18, and away at school, I easily could have ended up doing something stupid like drinking or toking myself into the emergency room... .and neither of my parents were BPD sufferers. I also don't know how much of that incident can technically be blamed on BPD mom, unless she was allowing whatever got him into the hospital to happen under her care. That's a whole different ballgame. That this kid acted the way he did towards his dad in the context of OD'ing on something makes me wonder if that's the case. Or perhaps mom ran a "toe my line or else" campaign before he talked to your husband. Either way, I think a professional needs to be guiding you here.

It's also not abnormal for kids to blame one parent for the actions of another. When my ex got evicted (instance #2), my youngest daughter actually hit me repeatedly in the chest and blamed me for it. She has come to realize it had nothing to do with my actions at all.

In any case, my thoughts are with your family.

[sanemom]

I don't "blame" BPD mom because she provided the drugs.  Actually, he did not overdose on anything illegal.  They way it was told to me, he was trying to stop having panic attacks and kept taking stuff that day to reduce the anxiety.  He told me a week before this happened that he has been having panic attacks 2-4 times a week this past year... .which coincides when he moved in with mom and she "employed" him as her spy to try to throw us under the bus with CPS.  I am 99% certain that her putting him in the middle CONSTANTLY is his reason for the extreme stress, and the fact that he was with her the day before the incident makes me believe that even more.

And now he is away from mom (sort of) and trying to escape "the drama" as he calls it, but I don't think he can.  I don't think she will let him escape.

The boys have not really started using illicit drugs... .this seemed to be more of a self-medicating incident.  Not that it won't progress into that, but it hasn't been that for a long time.

The counselor's take on their attraction to BPD mom is that she abandoned them when they were so young AND she presents as someone who desperately needs her kids to save her.  They don't want to lose her again so they will do almost anything for her, including her their dad. 

The whole thing is sad.

[Boss302]

So this overdose was on *prescription* drugs?

[Thunderstruck]

sanemom, I'm so sorry to hear about DSS18. And just when you thought things were getting better (DSS16 is deprogrammed, DSD21 is speaking to DH again)... .

That typewritten comment was definitely placed in DSS18's head by BPDmom. She stood over his hospital bed and told him how much DH didn't care because the note he sent was "only" typewritten. 

I'm glad you guys gave DSS18's hospital therapist the background info, and my fingers are crossed for you that they read and consider it. Is he going to be allowed to return to school after this? He might be forced to take time off. I can't imagine that going back to BPDmom's house would be very good for his healing. Ugh.

I also want to say... .no, if you guys had not fought against it, the alienation would not have stopped. I have a friend who didn't fight against the alienation. He wasn't even invited to his daughter's wedding. BPDmom was going to poison the kids against DH. Pulling back would have just made it easier for her to do it completely.

[ForeverDad]

He was there five days before we decided we had to take the chance and provide the court docs outlining the trauma he has been through, and we can only hope they will read it since he is "an adult."

Though I'm not a lawyer and therefore don't know your state's privacy laws, I believe the restrictions are generally one way... .You can provide information to the professionals so they have solid background information but for his privacy they can't share information back to you.

[sanemom]

Well, he's out of the hospital.  It looks like he is dropping out of college and is going home to live with his BPD mom.  He is under the illusion that even though he is dropping out, he won't owe any money to the university or federal gov't (he used his mom's income so he could get a ton of grants and student loans) and can just hop on to a local community college next semester.  I don't think they will count him as making it long enough to keep his aid, but who knows.  He will have to learn some things the hard way.

He is now saying we forced him to go.  Funny because he made it clear that he moved away to college to "move away from the drama".  Funny how he decided to just move back into the drama.

[bravhart1]

I know you care very much for this young man, but he's making his own decisions and not letting you help, so he is going to have to own that.
Having raised my own teens, my best advice is to pull all the way back. He wants BPDm, he wants space? Give it to him. Give it all to him. Let him come to you. Its tough but doable and you and DH focus all energy on the minor in your home.

Some things have to be learned through experience. You can't help, save or teach him by forcing yourselves on him. Let him know that you are available if he needs you and that you will be awaiting his call or visit. Then don't contact him again. When he comes to you next, it will be with a new found insight to the helpful people he's reaching out to.

It says NOTHING about you as parents if he chooses BPDm right now. It says nothing about you as parents if you leave him to his own devices for a while. Your step kids have been put through hell by mom, but only you can decide if you are going to let them drag you in to it with them as adults.

[sanemom]

Maybe this is a good thing, but it feels so much easier to disengage with the legally adult kids than it did when they were in high school--maybe that is just because we know there is nothing we can do (and nothing that can be done legally to punish us for disengaging).

He is going to have a hospital bill and will owe the government and the university thousands, but we are not feeling any obligation to pay it since he has made it clear he doesn't want our support.  Of course BPD mom will make us look like the villain (and she can't pay it--can't even keep her own basic bills up--they barely had food in the house when they were living there). 

Sadly, I think this is all about BPD mom "needing" DSS to take care of her financially and emotionally.  Hopefully he figures that out and how to protect himself before she destroys him.