One year out---it does get better

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

All,

I’ve posted much less recently but told myself that would change once the one year milestone was reached.  It was posts such as these were immeasurably helpful during my most difficult detachment periods.  This is rather lengthy but hopefully it encourages other members to keep moving forward one day at a time.

Mine is the typical story told by so many on this site.  A whirlwind idealized romance with my exBPDgf that lasted for about a year.  Her sudden disappearance followed by several recycles.  We were last intimate in June of ’15 and last saw each other a year ago today.  We’ve not spoken and have only texted a couple of times since.

One of my favorite sayings is:  distance + time = clarity + objectivity.  This has certainly been true for me as I started to feel much differently about my ex at about the 7 month point this summer.  The emotional feelings have largely dissipated and other interests have gradually taken up the part of my life that were left vacant when we parted.  That said, I’d like to share the following with those of you who are looking for direction and hope as you detach (I myself struggled with many of the points that follow but came to find that they are very helpful and do work.  Some may sound repetitive but the critical difference is actually executing and not just reading the following):

Focus on you and your life

Since these relationships are exhausting, time consuming and high maintenance you’ve probably neglected other friendships.  Reconnect with family and friends.  Work on your health (diet, exercise, etc.).  Engage in a hobby or travel interest.  You will find yourself with time on your hands---stay active in areas that are about YOU.  I did all of these and the impact was significant---although it’s not easy to do as most of us are wired to “give”---but you deserve and need it.

Maintain NC

Unless you have kids together or some other situation that requires contact I would recommend establishing and maintaining NC.  A lot has been said of how we trigger our ex’s as these relationships detriorate but guess what?  They trigger us as well.  Each time my ex reached out reactivated feelings, memories and frustrations (and ruminations---see below).  Our daughters are best friends so unfortunately I do hear about some of my ex’s activities.  Even these incidents are triggering and I’d be much better served totally NC.

The NC moratorium includes all forms of social media.  FB, Instagram and other social media stalking will do nothing but rewind your recovery clock back to zero.

Friendship doesn’t work

Much has also been made of attempting to remain friends with your ex but I truly don’t believe that friendships resonate with them as they do with us.  The last time I saw my ex was for lunch a year ago (several months after we parted) and I was completely stunned at how distant and uninterested she was when it came to anything about me or us (but she did carry on about how she was the victim of her own current dilemma).  I felt like a complete stranger in her company as it was readily apparent that our relationship had been forgotten.  Unfortunately it is all about them once the relationship fractures---they are essentially unconcerned about your well-being unless you are of use to them in some way.  Sounds harsh but I’ve come to believe it’s true.

Don’t try to rescue

My ex has cycled thru two replacements in the past year and is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband.  It is sadly pathetic and the “savior” in me has wanted to intervene with advice.  I’ve held back each time and have been grateful for not re-engaging as there would be no upside in doing so as it would stunt my recovery.  Anytime you feel the “rescue” urge postpone reacting for at least a day. You’ll feel and think differently once the urge passes.

Stop ruminating

I’m a natural when it comes to ruminating so this was the hardest habit to break.  I initially limited myself to one rumination period a day.  As time passed I developed “default thought topics” (plans for the weekend, recapping a conversation with a friend that I had met with earlier in the week, etc.) that would occupy my mind in order to stop the ruminations from snowballing into full-blown thought attacks.  Over time this has helped divert my thought patterns away from my ex.

It is a disorder

During the of worst times where you want to lash out and simply unload on your ex---try to stop and accept the fact that this is a disorder (how they chose to deal with the disorder is another thing).  This has helped me avoid many instances where I would have regretted something I could have said or done.  Remember----our emotional pain will eventually subside while theirs is perpetual.

Read the “Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck” (from the piece on the site “Surviving a Break-up When Your Partner has BPD”).  Then read it again…and again…

Reading these beliefs for the first time was emotionally painful as I tried to justify my specific situation as being “different”, “acceptable” or “manageable”.  Once reality settled in I recognized that these beliefs are basically spot on and must be accepted for us to heal and move forward.  The sooner you come to accept these beliefs the quicker you can find your path to recovery.

Learn about yourself

This was the “silver lining” of my whole BPD experience.  I came to recognize my codependence, caregiver and rescuer tendencies as areas that required a significant amount of self-introspection.  My resulting behavior changes have reflected positively in so many other areas of my life

Bottom line---time can be your friend or enemy.  Make it your friend by following the steps above.  I marked each passing day on my calendar religiously at the beginning of my recovery as a method of measuring progress.  Days turned into weeks that turned into months (I can’t remember the last time I marked my calendar).  When feeling discouraged continue to read and reread the excellent posts by our committed members.  With time and patience you’ll come out the other end a better you.

Best to all,

Learning Fast

[Learning Fast]

All,

I’ve posted much less recently but told myself that would change once the one year milestone was reached.  It was posts such as these were immeasurably helpful during my most difficult detachment periods.  This is rather lengthy but hopefully it encourages other members to keep moving forward one day at a time.

Mine is the typical story told by so many on this site.  A whirlwind idealized romance with my exBPDgf that lasted for about a year.  Her sudden disappearance followed by several recycles.  We were last intimate in June of ’15 and last saw each other a year ago today.  We’ve not spoken and have only texted a couple of times since.

One of my favorite sayings is:  distance + time = clarity + objectivity.  This has certainly been true for me as I started to feel much differently about my ex at about the 7 month point this summer.  The emotional feelings have largely dissipated and other interests have gradually taken up the part of my life that were left vacant when we parted.  That said, I’d like to share the following with those of you who are looking for direction and hope as you detach (I myself struggled with many of the points that follow but came to find that they are very helpful and do work.  Some may sound repetitive but the critical difference is actually executing and not just reading the following):

Focus on you and your life

Since these relationships are exhausting, time consuming and high maintenance you’ve probably neglected other friendships.  Reconnect with family and friends.  Work on your health (diet, exercise, etc.).  Engage in a hobby or travel interest.  You will find yourself with time on your hands---stay active in areas that are about YOU.  I did all of these and the impact was significant---although it’s not easy to do as most of us are wired to “give”---but you deserve and need it.

Maintain NC

Unless you have kids together or some other situation that requires contact I would recommend establishing and maintaining NC.  A lot has been said of how we trigger our ex’s as these relationships detriorate but guess what?  They trigger us as well.  Each time my ex reached out reactivated feelings, memories and frustrations (and ruminations---see below).  Our daughters are best friends so unfortunately I do hear about some of my ex’s activities.  Even these incidents are triggering and I’d be much better served totally NC.

The NC moratorium includes all forms of social media.  FB, Instagram and other social media stalking will do nothing but rewind your recovery clock back to zero.

Friendship doesn’t work

Much has also been made of attempting to remain friends with your ex but I truly don’t believe that friendships resonate with them as they do with us.  The last time I saw my ex was for lunch a year ago (several months after we parted) and I was completely stunned at how distant and uninterested she was when it came to anything about me or us (but she did carry on about how she was the victim of her own current dilemma).  I felt like a complete stranger in her company as it was readily apparent that our relationship had been forgotten.  Unfortunately it is all about them once the relationship fractures---they are essentially unconcerned about your well-being unless you are of use to them in some way.  Sounds harsh but I’ve come to believe it’s true.

Don’t try to rescue

My ex has cycled thru two replacements in the past year and is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband.  It is sadly pathetic and the “savior” in me has wanted to intervene with advice.  I’ve held back each time and have been grateful for not re-engaging as there would be no upside in doing so as it would stunt my recovery.  Anytime you feel the “rescue” urge postpone reacting for at least a day. You’ll feel and think differently once the urge passes.

Stop ruminating

I’m a natural when it comes to ruminating so this was the hardest habit to break.  I initially limited myself to one rumination period a day.  As time passed I developed “default thought topics” (plans for the weekend, recapping a conversation with a friend that I had met with earlier in the week, etc.) that would occupy my mind in order to stop the ruminations from snowballing into full-blown thought attacks.  Over time this has helped divert my thought patterns away from my ex.

It is a disorder

During the of worst times where you want to lash out and simply unload on your ex---try to stop and accept the fact that this is a disorder (how they chose to deal with the disorder is another thing).  This has helped me avoid many instances where I would have regretted something I could have said or done.  Remember----our emotional pain will eventually subside while theirs is perpetual.

Read the “Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck” (from the piece on the site “Surviving a Break-up When Your Partner has BPD”).  Then read it again…and again…

Reading these beliefs for the first time was emotionally painful as I tried to justify my specific situation as being “different”, “acceptable” or “manageable”.  Once reality settled in I recognized that these beliefs are basically spot on and must be accepted for us to heal and move forward.  The sooner you come to accept these beliefs the quicker you can find your path to recovery.

Learn about yourself

This was the “silver lining” of my whole BPD experience.  I came to recognize my codependence, caregiver and rescuer tendencies as areas that required a significant amount of self-introspection.  My resulting behavior changes have reflected positively in so many other areas of my life

Bottom line---time can be your friend or enemy.  Make it your friend by following the steps above.  I marked each passing day on my calendar religiously at the beginning of my recovery as a method of measuring progress.  Days turned into weeks that turned into months (I can’t remember the last time I marked my calendar).  When feeling discouraged continue to read and reread the excellent posts by our committed members.  With time and patience you’ll come out the other end a better you.

Best to all,

Learning Fast

[Sadly]

Thank you so much Learning Fast. I am doing quite well but had a sad day today, this is just what I needed.   x

[Learning Fast]

Hi Sadly,

Glad I could be of help to you today!  I've followed some of your posts and am happy to see that you are continuing to move ahead with your life.  Nothing but best wishes to you!

LF

[oceanyc]

This was an awesome post. Really helps put a different/good perspective on my situation.

[JerryRG]

Wanted to say thank you, Learning Fast

Great post and wonderful insight, very easy read for me and very helpful.

[Learning Fast]

Glad to be able to help in any way possible.  I well remember how helpful these types of posts were during the early days and weeks of my detachment. The key is to make the passage of time work to your advantage.

Best wishes,

LF

[Grissum69]

This was an awesome post. Really helps put a different/good perspective on my situation.

 

[Learning Fast]

My pleasure  !  Keep reading and posting yourselves as it is definitely therapeutic.

[Learning Fast]

One thing important item to stress about social media---it is the ideal platform for those with BPD (and others as well) to project their purported perfect life.  They don't have to contend with criticism or rebuke (when is the last time you didn't "like" a comment) while publically crafting an image that they want others to see (for those in the States it's not unlike political candidate advertising).  It's referred to as Facebook for a reason.

LF

[Unstoppable]

One thing important item to stress about social media---it is the ideal platform for those with BPD (and others as well) to project their purported perfect life.  They don't have to contend with criticism or rebuke (when is the last time you didn't "like" a comment) while publically crafting an image that they want others to see (for those in the States it's not unlike political candidate advertising).  It's referred to as Facebook for a reason.

LF

This really resonated with me LF! Equating PDs with politicians was dead on. The "pretend perfect life" on Facebook seems to be a given sadly. The best thing I did for myself was focus on me and my future. I have zero animosity for my PDx, only thankfulness. Thankfulness for the drop kick to the door so to speak. Looking back it was the best thing that could ever happen for me. I am a giver and the PDx was an all consuming nightmare of drama and victimhood.
 Since distancing myself I have gone on to earn a degree in a field I love, I am ticking off things on my bucket list, and am enjoying a level of self-awareness and happiness that I didn't think was possible! The answer is to stop trying to make sense of the crazy and to really dig deep into what makes YOU happy. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness! When you are happy from within, people enhance your life, they don't make or break your life! 

[kc sunshine]

This is a great post-- thank you so much! I'm at 4 months out since the break up, and about 2 1/2 months since I've last seen or talked to her. Whew, it's a long process, no?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hey man, thanks for writing this.  In the past month I've gone from horror and a feeling of 'im never going to get through this' to gradually beginning to reclaim my life.

Very happy to hear that you've found a successful way to deal with this and move on.

Thanks also for hammering the NC point home- I've been grappling with the 'withdrawal' and managing to stay on course (all numbers/email addys of hers still blocked), but it's very good to be reminded of it as I look at the still-healing reminders of our last night together (3 weeks ago) and can't help but want that crazy intensity again.

When things were good she was the perfect high, but the crash and comedown - I just can't take it anymore, even aside from the totally untrustworthy nature of the person.

[Learning Fast]

So good to hear from you guys!  Keep reading, posting and recovering.

NC is so important yet is probably what most of us struggle with the most.  Due to the proliferation of social media it is simply too tempting and as a result makes it so much easier to relapse. 

Like many, post breakup I initially tried to be friends or maintain some type of relationship with my ex.  Since the "mask" was off at this point I noticed significantly less truthfulness combined with indifference when it came to anything that had to do with me. 

The only benefit of our finals months of contact was the stark nature of her true colors which put everything into perspective.  We are lucky to be out.

LF

[kc sunshine]

Among the other so helpful things about your post, is your marking of 7 months out is when you really started to feel a shift in your emotions towards your ex. Was that 7 months after the breakup or after you last saw each other? Thanks so much for giving us such good guidance and hope!

[Curiously1]

Thank you for writing all of this LF
"distance + time = clarity + objectivity " is a simple way of putting it and so very true. 

[Learning Fast]

KC,

Good to hear from you and I sense that you're entering the breakaway phase.  Keep looking forward.

I texted a final good bye to my ex 12/31/15 (I'm a year-end type guy, hadn't received as much as a "Happy Holidays" contact from her so figured it was time to detach). I also realized at the time that abandonment is a pwBPD's worst fear and knew that being subject to relationship Siberia was a very distinct probability (as it turned out to be).

I began to feel differently around July of this year.  Some time had passed, other interests had absorbed my time and I had worked on focusing inward.  The key point would be that there wasn't a specific date or incident that made me feel differently---it's just that I noticed that she occupied less and less of my "mindspace".  You'll get the same feeling when the time comes.

LF

[lovenature]

I am just over 10 months NC on my end, I definitely relate to there not being a specific date or incident that was significant, just less time occupied in my thoughts. I think it is important that we accept that the more something effects you, the more you are going to think about it and the stronger your feelings will be. The only way out is through.

[Learning Fast]

Hi LN,

Very true---the only way out is indeed through.  Although painful and emotional there is no other way to the other side.  The alternative is to remain stuck which is not an appealing option.

LF

[Aboutme2011]

Thank you for such a very helpful post! I got on here tonight and read through a lot of different posts on different boards and decided that this is where I belong.  I don't want to go back, ever again.  I may feel like I love him but I can't live that way anymore.  I need to hold onto everything I can that will help me stand strong and move forward.
About

[Panshekay]

Thank you for answering LF.  That was great advice! 

[skidoo28]

thank you for the information it makes me feel better about my decision i broke it off with my BPD 2 weeks ago for good have been with her for a year also now that im finding out just how unhappy i was with her but in the same instance i feel so bad because shes so devastated and im feeling guilty for not staying by her side to help her work throw her troubles but i know now that wasn't possible i was living in a no win situation all the time