My sister...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister just turned 69 years old. She was diagnosed with BPD years ago but refuses treatment. She likely is addicted to painkillers because of various emotional and physical problems. Her husband of 40 years died 8 years ago. Her children are 49 and 45. I am 53.

I am happily married and live 5.5 hours from her.

She is mean, manipulative and cruel. She is also in a terrible financial situation mostly of her own making. Four years ago I loaned her 7000 to buy a car. She has slowly paid me back and still owes over half the money. Yesterday she asked for another $1500 because after totaling the car I loaned her the money for, she wrecked the car she purchased with the insurance money. I turned her down.

She has ruined her relationship with her children who only speak to her out of obligation and guilt. She lived with me for 9 months in 2011 and nearly destroyed my marriage. Her house is falling down around her ears. She doesn't have the wherewithal to fix her situation.

I cannot fix her. I will not compromise my financial standing or my marriage to try to fix her. Yet I feel tremendous guilt. From the outside I fear I am the uncaring relative leaving a senior citizen to fend for herself. Her daughter and son and I have discussed this and while we all know there is no winning with her, we all feel guilt and responsibility.

I'm not sure if there is any good course of action beyond staying detached and trying to be loving and supportive.

Thoughts are welcome.

[MikeInOhio]

My sister just turned 69 years old. She was diagnosed with BPD years ago but refuses treatment. She likely is addicted to painkillers because of various emotional and physical problems. Her husband of 40 years died 8 years ago. Her children are 49 and 45. I am 53.

I am happily married and live 5.5 hours from her.

She is mean, manipulative and cruel. She is also in a terrible financial situation mostly of her own making. Four years ago I loaned her 7000 to buy a car. She has slowly paid me back and still owes over half the money. Yesterday she asked for another $1500 because after totaling the car I loaned her the money for, she wrecked the car she purchased with the insurance money. I turned her down.

She has ruined her relationship with her children who only speak to her out of obligation and guilt. She lived with me for 9 months in 2011 and nearly destroyed my marriage. Her house is falling down around her ears. She doesn't have the wherewithal to fix her situation.

I cannot fix her. I will not compromise my financial standing or my marriage to try to fix her. Yet I feel tremendous guilt. From the outside I fear I am the uncaring relative leaving a senior citizen to fend for herself. Her daughter and son and I have discussed this and while we all know there is no winning with her, we all feel guilt and responsibility.

I'm not sure if there is any good course of action beyond staying detached and trying to be loving and supportive.

Thoughts are welcome.

[Notwendy]

Hi Mike, if you were older, your story could be my uncle's. First, I commend you for being a support person to your sister's kids. My mothers relatives turned their backs on us kids when we expressed our concern about BPD mom, and believed her that we were the problem. However, now that they have been more involved in helping her, like you have with your sister- they seem to be backing away. I think they have seen a larger picture of the situation. Unfortunately, I don't know if their relationship with us kids is reparable.

Before my father passed away, I tried to be proactive and help my parents manage their accounts because I feared my mother would not make wise decisions on her own. She would have nothing of that. So, like you, I basically had to be detached and protect my own marriage and our finances. I understand how you feel- it feels cruel and uncaring, but we are not obligated to be her enablers and it isn't kind to enable people. She is responsible for her own decisions.

I know it means a lot to her children to have your emotional support. This isn't always the case for children of parents with BPD. We are used to not being heard, not being believed. It may not seem like a lot to you, but I know that even a little validation from a relative could go a long way for me, even as an adult.

[Kwamina]

Hi MikeInOhio

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am sorry to hear your sister is having these problems. BPD is quite a challenging disorder as you clearly know very well from your experiences with your older sister. Your sister has been officially diagnosed with BPD but unfortunately refuses treatment. Do you feel like she acknowledges and understands her BPD diagnosis?

Do you feel like she acknowledges that there might be something wrong with her behavior and the role she plays in creating the problems she's dealing with?

I understand your feelings of guilt. No matter what has happened in the past, she is still your sister and I can understand how that family connection can cause you to feel this way, especially because of her age, her physical problems and also her financial situation. I don't know if you are familiar with the work of Pete Walker, but he has said something very interesting about guilt that I think also applies to your situation:
"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

The Board Parrot

[Fie]

Hello MikeInOhio 

Welcome here !

I can echo what the other members said.
(Thank you Kwamina btw for the very interesting quote of Pete Walker)

I think we should make a distinction here between 'feeling love for' someone, and 'trying to fix' someone.
Not trying to fix your sister does not mean you don't love her. From your words I can see you do. And I think that's enough. BPD is serious business, and sometimes they push us away so much, that really we cannot mean anything for them. So it's better to not be in their lives. Again, that does not mean we don't love them.

I think it's wonderful for the children of your sister that you are in their lives, clearly they are able to recieve and respond to your love (unlike your sister). So if I were you, I would try to put my focus there. Save the energy you have for your partner and your nephew and niece.