Introduction - married to BPD man

[ElinorD]

Hello! I'm a 40-something woman married for over 20 years to a man I've finally realized probably has high-functioning BPD. I've known for years that he has constant, mild depression, and that he's insecure. I've realized in recent years that he has attachment issues that aren't going away with time. I actually thought when I married him that I could "outyear" it, but we've now been married longer than his growing up years, and things are worse instead of better.

It occurred to me to look into BPD after a fight lately when he was clearly irrational in his thinking, he treated me (once again) as the enemy instead of his wife who he loves, and when he couldn't remember a very significant resolution to a previous fight from a couple of years ago. He wasn't sure if he should still be holding a grudge against me for that. I was flabbergasted.

The more I read about it, the more sure I am. He just doesn't have the risk taking and suicidal aspects.

I'm looking for a therapist for me and realizing how he's damaged our son.

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[ElinorD]

I feel like the blind men feeling the parts of an elephant and deciding it's different things applies to how I was perceiving it. I knew he was moody. I knew he was jealous. I knew he was extremely critical of himself and also frequently critical of others. I knew he was needy and clingy. And controlling. I've realized these things separately and over time. It's like I've had a tiny flashlight and I've explored different parts. But now I found the light switch for the room and I can see the whole thing. Meanwhile he's hiding in the closet in the dark. He does NOT want to look at it.

[ElinorD]

A couple of pieces of advice I could use:
When I go to a counselor (have left a voice mail but haven't set an appointment), do I tell him I'm going for my anxiety? Do I keep it from him that I'm going at all? He hates the idea of counseling for anything and has refused marriage counseling in the past. He does say things like "why don't we examine what's wrong with you?" So I'm tempted to say I think he's right and I'm going to.

[ElinorD]

The other thing I want to ask for advice about is whether to tell our college age son about what I believe his father's situation is. Son has just started college and isn't dealing well with the stress. He's not making friends, he's down, he doesn't know what he wants to do, he's not setting good boundaries with his roommate, and I'm afraid he's actually dissociating at times. Some of his issues make sense as the child of a BPD parent. Plus dad is holding onto him by playing online video games with him. And I'm afraid the video gaming is an addiction for both, which is affecting son's socialization and sleep. Son is thinking about talking to a counselor about his difficulties adjusting to college and possible depression, and I feel like information about dad's mental illness is relevant.

[Notwendy]

Hi Elinor,

Welcome to this site. I think it is great that you had this "lightbulb" moment, but a word of caution about disclosing this information to other family members immediately. I think the information could be helpful to your son, but I would also be careful about the potential triangulation and drama that could result as your H is reluctant to consider this at the moment. It may help to consult a counselor about how/when to disclose this information.

While it is your H who may have this diagnosis, family dysfunction in ways affects all members of a family. This doesn't mean the other members have a mental illness, but that families take on patterns of behavior around a dysfunctional member and this can affect other members of the family- some become enablers, co-dependent. Some children become the scapegoat, or the golden child.

You have identified that your son is struggling in college. I agree with encouraging him to seek out counseling on campus. While his dad's issues may be relevant, college counselors are experienced with adjustment and room mate issues and they can help him.  If a professional takes the lead on getting into his family history and the video gaming with his father- that takes you out of the potential triangle.

I also think that your idea of counseling for you is a good one. Although you wish your H would deal with his issues, we can't force anyone to change. Yet, we can take steps to change our part in the dysfunction. As to what you tell your H- counseling is a confidential relationship between the person and the counselor. A person doesn't need to have anything "wrong" with them to seek out a counselor. If you choose to tell him, it could be something as general as to understand relationship skills better. The counselor can also help you decide how/when/if to disclose the idea of BPD with your H or son and support you through that if you choose to do so.

[ElinorD]

Thank you for the reply. I wouldn't have thought of triangulation. I'm not very familiar with thinking about this kind of thing in a family systems way.

I made an appointment for anxiety, which I'm definitely struggling with, but with someone who works in the clinic's DBT program. The scheduler said the therapist knows the skills for dealing with BPD. That sounds like a good fit. And she's a woman, so my husband should freak out less that I'm meeting someone alone to talk about my problems.

[Notwendy]

This sounds like a great idea.

I also chose a female counselor and when I began attending a 12 step group to focus on co-dependency, I chose a female sponsor.

I think this was helpful to both me and my H. I felt more comfortable disclosing personal things to a female, and my H would have been distressed if I had chosen a male.

This didn't mean I was taking responsibility for his feelings. Had I chosen a male, it would have been his feelings to deal with. However, having boundaries around my marriage has helped me to stand up to false accusations and follow through with meetings when there was opposition.

[ElinorD]

It's such a relief to learn that other people live with false accusations, too. It has felt terrible, and there's no way to really counter them. My husband doesn't even think I might cheat on him- he's afraid I think about other men or am attracted to them, and he wants to make sure that isn't true. When of course I can never prove it- there's no documentation of what goes on in my mind.

Anyway, it's nice to learn I'm not alone.