I'm a step parent to a 15 year old and 13 year old

[woundedheart]

Hello. I have been lurking for quite sometime and thought today I needed to join.

I'm a step parent to a 15 year old and 13 year old whose mother is undiagnosed BPD. Mother admits to being diagnosed with Bi-polar, however children's therapist also agree possible BPD. I will save you all the back story, the endless taunts, accusations etc from the mother. As we all know it's a struggle. I also have 3 children from a previous marriage.

As the step parent I find my role to be extra difficult. I love my husband to pieces but I find this dark world of BPD very difficult to deal with.  This not only affects our relationship but also my relationship with my own children. It has turned our home into chaos.  :)ue to husband's work schedule I am the primary parent in our home. After many years I came to the conclusion that I will no longer accept phone calls from BPD mother but insist upon text or written message for communication. This did not go over well but I found the sob stories, the lies etc were very hard to keep track of when verbal. Am I alone in insisting on using this form of communication?

Recent struggle has been with 13 year step-daughter who is following in BPD mother's footsteps. Step daughter lies, breaks the rules  and is very, very sneaky. Recently she just got busted (again) for talking to an 18 year old man in another country. She is currently undergoing therapy, but she is even lying to the in-home therapists. I know she is too young to be diagnosed with BPD... .not sure if this is learned behavior or true signs of BPD.  Recently, BPD mother and my step daughter went hunting together - and a cat ended up being shot with bow & arrow. We learned about this from the therapist who said step daughter asked her mother if she could shoot the cat and BPD mother told her yes. I can't get rid of the pit in my stomach from this. Who does this? Who are these people? How are we supposed to teach a child right from wrong when the other parent is teaching them a distorted view?

13 year old step-daughter has all the signs of parent alienation. I feel like all hope is lost in trying to help this child - as long as BPD mother is in the picture. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. It must be so confusing to be a child of a BPD parent especially in a split family. How do other step-parents survive? Do we sit back and wait for the children to grow up and move out? Do we try and help the children? I'm exhausted.

[DreamGirl]

Hi woundedheart,

     

So I think there's some differing opinions when it comes to adolescents and BPD and not being able to diagnose it before adulthood. We have an entire board dedicated to parents with children suffering from BPD and the majority said traits started before adulthood.

It's also pretty inevitable that you'd inherit some problem solving skills from a disordered parent. I have one stepdaughter who seems to have inherited ALL of them while the other two have fared better. I have one who is overly sensitive and disorganized and while the other is thick skinned and obsessive compulsive (when it comes to cleanliness). Two are leaders and one is absolutely not. One's sassy, two bossy, one easy going. My point is that I try really hard to separate them from each other and their mom. (And trust me my skills are being tested to the nth degree right now) They are their mothers' daughters, but they are also uniquely themselves.

I highly, highly recommend this video on BPD in Adolescents: bpdfamily.org/2013/05/bpdfamily.html

It's a little bit on the lengthy side, but it has hands down helped me find a better understanding when it comes to this subject. It's very well done and Dr.Aguirre is highly respected in the field.

As far as communicating with mom. I always say boundaries are what connect us, not divide us. I can have phone conversations with mom but she knows that I won't talk about [insert child support, money, my husband, etc.]. Anytime she attempts such conversations, I just gently say "that's between you and the girls Dad, you'll have to talk to him about it". It's helped us have a far more productive relationship. I also went through an 8 month period of now talking at all to get over some hurtful things that happened - so I also understand if written communication is just better for you.

What do you think would help you the most right now to help your marriage? I always ask that because I find when my marriage is struggling, I'm not able to deal with these outside factors... .

Some alone time with your husband?
A break from the ex?
A break from the SD's issues?
Some quality time with your own kids?

All of the above?

Welcome to our family.

  DreamGirl

Ps. That cat situation would freak me out a little bit too. Hopefully there's a reasonable explanation.  

[woundedheart]

Thank you so much for your reply. As you know it's so difficult to discuss any of this with friends who don't have a clue about BPD... .they just don't understand and they look at me like I'm crazy when I'm explaining things.

I appreciate the link to the video and will check it out. I do struggle with step daughter as she continues to lie. She has the ability to lie straight to my face and it comes so easily which scares me. I know she lies for her mother too - and I think she thinks she is helping her mom. I'm not sure. I had to take a huge step back from the situation lately as it's just been too much.

I love my husband with all my heart and I know we can get through this, it's just exhausting both of us. We have some time for the two of us scheduled... .I'm just crossing my fingers that it isn't interrupted by some kind of "emergency" that typically occurs during "our time".

The cat situation - I can't even believe it happened. BPD mom never told my husband about it - the in-home therapist is the one who brought it up. I don't think there is a good explanation for this as it was cruel and should have never ever happened. Anytime that step daughter has done something wrong BPD mom never follows through with punishment ( whole other issue).

My boundaries right now - no contact. I have totally removed myself from dealing with BPD mom. I felt like I had to protect myself emotionally. 

[DreamGirl]

I love my husband with all my heart and I know we can get through this, it's just exhausting both of us. We have some time for the two of us scheduled... .I'm just crossing my fingers that it isn't interrupted by some kind of "emergency" that typically occurs during "our time".

So maybe just set your expectations realistically.

People only have power over us when we allow them to.

My SD was suspended from school while I was on vacation with my husband. (What a nightmare that was) But there was only so much we could control, and only allowed a certain allotment of time to dedicate to it.

I'm going on vacation in two days. I'm sure something will happen. That's OK.

If nothing happens? Great. If something happens? That's OK too.

Relax. Have fun. Enjoy. 

[livednlearned]

Hi woundedheart,

Being stepmom to a child who exhibits BPD behaviors is super tough. I was married to a man with BPD/bipolar, and honestly, it's a toss up which is harder. When you're a step mom, you experience all the behaviors and it can feel like you have none of the power to parent the way you think is best.

Blaise Aguirre has also written a really good book called BPD in Adolescence. There is a chapter dedicated to the question about whether your child is expressing regular teen behaviors or has BPD. Although, at the end of the day, whether she is BPD or not, she probably does not have a mature sense of self, because individuating from her mama is probably scary and forbidden. Not having a strong sense of self means having a whole bunch of dysfunctional behaviors, and lying (to herself and others) is just one of them. She may not really know who she is separate from her mama, and that means her whole sense of self is adrift, for herself most of all.

My SO's D19 always has emergencies. I am at the point where the sound of SO's phone going off causes a physical reaction. His D19 had a psychotic depression at age 16, and is diagnosed bipolar. I'm sure she's BPD like her mom  We ended up doing couples counseling with a therapist AND a child psychologist, mainly to get the two of us on the same page about what is best for D19, but also to come up with ground rules for me and SO. That was so helpful.

The part of our sessions that really struck SO is how when he treats his D19 like she is incompetent (e.g. like rescuing her from her emergencies), she regresses and becomes even worse. And then, when she gets his attention, she becomes disdainful and angry at him for treating her like she's incompetent. Just like her mom.

We are working on this two ways. One way is to be very clear about how he's going to handle calls and texts from her. If we're going out for dinner, or watching a move, or going for a walk in the woods, or being intimate, the phone goes off. He can check it first thing after, he agrees to not check while it's our time. This is really, really hard for him, and it works best when I am gentle but firm with him, "This is one of those times. Are you able to turn this off so we can go do xyz?" Sometimes, he can't. He's worried about her, and knows he can't go a few hours. I learned to stick with my boundary, that if he cannot set his phone down because he's worried about her, that we reschedule.

Second way is that when he does get distress calls or emergencies, he does (his best to) not rescue or fix for her. He asks her validating questions or, if it's an age appropriate distress call, he will ask her what she has done before that worked, or what solutions has she already thought through, or more explicitly, what kind of help does she want from him? Kids with BPD or BPD traits need, even more so than regular teens, to develop a sense that they are accountable.

The cat hunting story is really hard to read  

That is one of those black belt moments where you might need lots of practice to hold steady and ask her how she felt when her mom said it was ok. Get her to reflect back on who she might be in there, separate from her mom.

The only soft spot in the armor I ever found is through validation. I stopped worrying about the lies because her whole sense of self is based on a lie  And strangely, that helped me get the emotional distance I needed to take care of myself.

Glad you found the site. It really does help to post.

LnL

[bravhart1]

Wounded heart,

It's more than a little difficult to be step mom with a BPDm on the other side. Some would describe it as masochistic . When I fell for my DH, I only knew that his ex was "difficult".
 
No one, and I mean no one thought five years later she would still be this much of a problem.
Truthfully, had I known then, I would have said PASS to the whole thing. But here I am five years later, I am full time 100% mom to his now 8yo daughter. Mom is on court ordered time out for the foreseeable future and it's been a bumpy, exhausting, expensive road.

She has some of her moms traits at eight already, it's terrifying. But she sees a therapist and she IS better without mom indoctrinating her into her mental illness. We are seeing improvement
I don't think I can even begin to imagine how to deal with a BPD teen and ex at the same time. My hats off to you.

Keep coming back here. It's a wealth of knowledge and at the VERY least, a group of other step parents who know that your crazy stories of the ex, aren't exaggerated or made up, and you aren't the crazy one. You have NO IDEA how important that can be sometimes to hear.

[catclaw]

Hey 

I can only agree to all of the above. Regarding animals (the cat story), I was wondering about BPD and animals anyway. Ss9's BPDm used to get baby kitten, not educate them and when they weren't cutesy anymore, they would be left after moving to another flat, euthanized for misbehaving, given to animal shelters etc. We know about 4-5 cats that lived with BPDm for a while. Now that she's pregnant again, she thinks about getting 3 kitten and a puppy and ss is in total denial of her being serious.

I think it might have to to with the lack of a stable sense of responsibility towards other beings. But i really don't know.

Hang in there, you are not alone <3

[woundedheart]

Hi woundedheart,

Being stepmom to a child who exhibits BPD behaviors is super tough. I was married to a man with BPD/bipolar, and honestly, it's a toss up which is harder. When you're a step mom, you experience all the behaviors and it can feel like you have none of the power to parent the way you think is best.

Blaise Aguirre has also written a really good book called BPD in Adolescence. There is a chapter dedicated to the question about whether your child is expressing regular teen behaviors or has BPD. Although, at the end of the day, whether she is BPD or not, she probably does not have a mature sense of self, because individuating from her mama is probably scary and forbidden. Not having a strong sense of self means having a whole bunch of dysfunctional behaviors, and lying (to herself and others) is just one of them. She may not really know who she is separate from her mama, and that means her whole sense of self is adrift, for herself most of all.

My SO's D19 always has emergencies. I am at the point where the sound of SO's phone going off causes a physical reaction. His D19 had a psychotic depression at age 16, and is diagnosed bipolar. I'm sure she's BPD like her mom  We ended up doing couples counseling with a therapist AND a child psychologist, mainly to get the two of us on the same page about what is best for D19, but also to come up with ground rules for me and SO. That was so helpful.

The part of our sessions that really struck SO is how when he treats his D19 like she is incompetent (e.g. like rescuing her from her emergencies), she regresses and becomes even worse. And then, when she gets his attention, she becomes disdainful and angry at him for treating her like she's incompetent. Just like her mom.

We are working on this two ways. One way is to be very clear about how he's going to handle calls and texts from her. If we're going out for dinner, or watching a move, or going for a walk in the woods, or being intimate, the phone goes off. He can check it first thing after, he agrees to not check while it's our time. This is really, really hard for him, and it works best when I am gentle but firm with him, "This is one of those times. Are you able to turn this off so we can go do xyz?" Sometimes, he can't. He's worried about her, and knows he can't go a few hours. I learned to stick with my boundary, that if he cannot set his phone down because he's worried about her, that we reschedule.

Second way is that when he does get distress calls or emergencies, he does (his best to) not rescue or fix for her. He asks her validating questions or, if it's an age appropriate distress call, he will ask her what she has done before that worked, or what solutions has she already thought through, or more explicitly, what kind of help does she want from him? Kids with BPD or BPD traits need, even more so than regular teens, to develop a sense that they are accountable.

The cat hunting story is really hard to read  

That is one of those black belt moments where you might need lots of practice to hold steady and ask her how she felt when her mom said it was ok. Get her to reflect back on who she might be in there, separate from her mom.

The only soft spot in the armor I ever found is through validation. I stopped worrying about the lies because her whole sense of self is based on a lie  And strangely, that helped me get the emotional distance I needed to take care of myself.

Glad you found the site. It really does help to post.

LnL

Thank you for responding - your post helped me feel less alone!

I do need to set boundaries and I am beginning to do this. One of the boundaries I set was only having SD13 at the house when my DH is home. I had to take a step back from true "Step mom" duties as it was straining my relationship with my own children. SD13 takes a lot of my time up and needs constant supervision and like you said, you have no "power" to deal with the issues.

[woundedheart]

Wounded heart,

It's more than a little difficult to be step mom with a BPDm on the other side. Some would describe it as masochistic . When I fell for my DH, I only knew that his ex was "difficult".
 
No one, and I mean no one thought five years later she would still be this much of a problem.
Truthfully, had I known then, I would have said PASS to the whole thing. But here I am five years later, I am full time 100% mom to his now 8yo daughter. Mom is on court ordered time out for the foreseeable future and it's been a bumpy, exhausting, expensive road.

She has some of her moms traits at eight already, it's terrifying. But she sees a therapist and she IS better without mom indoctrinating her into her mental illness. We are seeing improvement
I don't think I can even begin to imagine how to deal with a BPD teen and ex at the same time. My hats off to you.

Keep coming back here. It's a wealth of knowledge and at the VERY least, a group of other step parents who know that your crazy stories of the ex, aren't exaggerated or made up, and you aren't the crazy one. You have NO IDEA how important that can be sometimes to hear.

Thank you for responding. You certainly hit some good points!

When SD13 came to live with us (BPDex dropped kids off and said she was done) she had little contact with mom and wow, she was a normal teenager but as soon as mom came back in picture the constant "mental game" was in play. Now that SD13 spends more time with mom she can't individualize herself what so ever. She now dresses like mom, her hygiene is non existent like mom and she wants to be just like mom.

I am learning to set boundaries but it's so hard. I never imagined in my mind that this is where I would be in my life! I knew the ex was "difficult" but I had no clue she had BPD. I also had no clue that SD13 had mental health issues. By the time I found out - it was too late and I was already invested in my relationship my my now DH. I know this is hard on DH too because the BPDex started really coming out in full force as soon as we were married ( day we got back from our honeymoon!)

It does certainly help to know that I am not the crazy one! LOL! Sometimes I feel like I've lost my mind and really questioning my own sanity! Thank you so much for your post!

[livednlearned]

One of the boundaries I set was only having SD13 at the house when my DH is home. I had to take a step back from true "Step mom" duties as it was straining my relationship with my own children. SD13 takes a lot of my time up and needs constant supervision and like you said, you have no "power" to deal with the issues.

This is a really good boundary. I felt so guilty at first when I drew boundaries around myself with SO's D19, and then forgave myself pretty quick. When there are BPD behaviors in the child, it's just a whole other dimension.

SO has a (non-BPD) D22 and I have a completely different relationship with her. I had a stepson who I was close to with my ex N/BPD and that was also very different. His hardest teen years were nothing compared to what it's been like living with SO's D19.

With regular kids, there is wiggle room in the boundaries and less is demanded of your own mental and emotional health. I feel compassion for D19, and I also have to fill that cup aggressively, and make sure it's full when I interact with her, and this puts our relationship in a totally different category. That means taking care of myself and making no apologies for what I need in order to cope.

About your SD13 being like her mom, she may be identifying with who she believes is the "strong" parent because that's where she sees there is power, which is comforting to a child who in all likelihood feels powerless. Even though standing firm on my boundaries was very hard for SO, and D19 tested them like a champ, I know that she felt some relief and curiosity about my particular version of strength. I am always kind to her, and use a lot of the communication skills I learned here, and I hold to my boundaries firmly. She said some mean things to me and tried to triangulate me with her dad, and I realized I had to be the emotional leader, and insist on raising the skill levels if others were unwilling to do so voluntarily.

There is a lot to learn here that will help you have a family life on your terms. If your DH is not going to lead, then it may fall to you, and the skills are so helpful (and not always intuitive).

[woundedheart]

One of the boundaries I set was only having SD13 at the house when my DH is home. I had to take a step back from true "Step mom" duties as it was straining my relationship with my own children. SD13 takes a lot of my time up and needs constant supervision and like you said, you have no "power" to deal with the issues.

This is a really good boundary. I felt so guilty at first when I drew boundaries around myself with SO's D19, and then forgave myself pretty quick. When there are BPD behaviors in the child, it's just a whole other dimension.

SO has a (non-BPD) D22 and I have a completely different relationship with her. I had a stepson who I was close to with my ex N/BPD and that was also very different. His hardest teen years were nothing compared to what it's been like living with SO's D19.

With regular kids, there is wiggle room in the boundaries and less is demanded of your own mental and emotional health. I feel compassion for D19, and I also have to fill that cup aggressively, and make sure it's full when I interact with her, and this puts our relationship in a totally different category. That means taking care of myself and making no apologies for what I need in order to cope.

About your SD13 being like her mom, she may be identifying with who she believes is the "strong" parent because that's where she sees there is power, which is comforting to a child who in all likelihood feels powerless. Even though standing firm on my boundaries was very hard for SO, and D19 tested them like a champ, I know that she felt some relief and curiosity about my particular version of strength. I am always kind to her, and use a lot of the communication skills I learned here, and I hold to my boundaries firmly. She said some mean things to me and tried to triangulate me with her dad, and I realized I had to be the emotional leader, and insist on raising the skill levels if others were unwilling to do so voluntarily.

There is a lot to learn here that will help you have a family life on your terms. If your DH is not going to lead, then it may fall to you, and the skills are so helpful (and not always intuitive).

Guilt - Yes! I feel so guilty setting boundaries - especially saying she can't come to the house when her dad isn't home. I feel like my DH is constantly trying to challenge those boundaries as well. He feels guilty when SD13 asks to come over to spend time with "US" ... .if he wont' be home he wants me to spend time with SD13. But I also see the manipulation here from SD13 ... .there is always an angle just like BPDexw. It's exhausting.

I'm so glad I am not alone - I have been truly struggling with all of this for years!

[livednlearned]

He feels guilty when SD13 asks to come over to spend time with "US" ... .

It's very hard to stick by your boundaries when your SO feels guilt. I realized this summer that my SO both wants (and appreciates) the boundaries, and also wants me to nurture his feelings of guilt when he pushes those boundaries aside. The issues with D19 travel through her dad to me, it's like they hop from body to body  

SO's approach is to minimize the issues, which seem pretty benign on paper. I see a dad who struggles to set boundaries with a kid who really, really (desperately) needs them, and she makes it hard for him to stick to those boundaries.

I no longer try to get him to set boundaries, I set my own, that is the only thing that has worked for my peace of mind. I don't fight about the boundaries and I don't try to enlist him, and that has strengthened our partnership instead of divided it. I just stand firm on the boundaries that work for me, and validate his feelings. It is sad that your SD13 cannot come over when he is not there. And, at the same time, it is better for you, your kids, and your marriage if you have this particular boundary.

Having said that, I will say that I took pains to be very present with D19 when it was the appropriate time to do so. The point of having boundaries was not to ignore her or avoid developing a relationship. The purpose was to take care of myself so that I had the compassion and strength to engage her when we did interact. I also used my down time to learn skills.

She does best with me when I limit my time to 30 minutes or so with her. I use validating questions. I tell her in advance what I am going to do in terms of my time. This gives her structure with me and doesn't trigger abandonment stuff. If she seems headed for an emotional dysregulation, I've learned to back away so that I do not become the problem solver.

When her dad is around, I take a step out of the relationship, just a small one. They get into a dance where she is needy and (very child like) and then he starts to lecture (seems codependent... .) and then she gets angry, either by acting out or acting in. Both are hard to abide. I remove myself from both when I can, which can feel like emotionally and psychologically treading water. Better I do that, though, than the whole lot of us go under.

if he wont' be home he wants me to spend time with SD13. But I also see the manipulation here from SD13 ... .there is always an angle just like BPDexw. It's exhausting

He probably can't see the manipulations like you can. The best book I can recommend is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. When D19 first moved in with us, I used a handful of these to help me stabilize the relationship. I realized that they also work with SO when he becomes susceptible to his own tendencies. It's a way for me to stay outside the fray when he is in it  

Not that any of this is easy... .