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Author Topic: Separated with wife today, was I right to do so?  (Read 393 times)
Barny1705

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« on: October 28, 2016, 03:59:46 PM »

Well... .hello!   Welcome
Where do I start... .!  After a year of absolute hell and battling the NHS mental health system (of which there is barely one I hasten to add) my wife if three years (together over ten) has finally been referred to the BPD Network in our local area (York).
We have had our ups (nice breaks and holidays away with our two young boys, one and four years) and we've had (a LOT more) downs;(wife has been an inpatient at one NHS hospital which made matters worse, and an inpatient at a private mental health hospital that cost us £thousands! We've had mis diagnoses coupled with a lot of self harming, attempted suisides, driving under the influence of an overdose of medication (Lorazepam) and we've had the midnight disappearing acts involving the counties police forces! My story like many others is no different however I guess I have come on her tonight because I (we've) made a very significant step in what I hope to be the right direction although it may not see so to my BPD wife.
After the last year of hell (all of the above) and finally receiving a diagnosis of BPD I found myself in an... .enlightened state! I was able to research BPD and suddenly everything made sense, suddenly I realised I had been living inside a BPD "bubble" with my BPD wife.  The diagnosis basically burst that bubble for me and I was like "wow, sh*t! Im not the only one and EVERYTHING about my life with my wife is identical to a hell of a lot of other people out there!" 
For a short time everything seemed clearer and easier but then I started fighting back and saying "no". No I will not do that or yes I will do that because I want to not because YOU WANT me to! Anyway things all came to a head when I decided I wanted something, something for ME, something that defined me as... .well me, and not my wife, if that makes sense? This "thing" was actually a rather expensive car however this car was merely a catalyst, if it hadn't been the car it would have been something else. Anyway this car purchase did NOT go down well as you can imagine and we had a HUGE argument, both sets of parents were involved, as were our two boys as much as I tried to keep them out of it which was horrendous. I ended up explaining to my wife how I felt and how I saw things now since the diagnosis. I needed time away from the illness, not necessarily her.  My health isn't great and has deteriorated over the last year because of everything and at the end of the day I need to look after myself above and beyond anything else, if I can't look after myself then I cannot look after my kids.
This basically meant that living together was no longer an option, it would not be fair on our two boys. So for the last two weeks my wife has been living with her parents (who by the way refuse to read up on or do ANY research on BPD because they think they already know it, when actually nothing could be farther from the truth-grrrrr).
Today we had a mediation session and amicably agreed to separate for a while. We would have the boys between us, fairly.
I do hope that my wife will receive the help she needs and that in 3/6/9/12 months time we can re assess the situation and we be husband and wife again, be a family again.
I guess right now I'm just wondering if anyone else has separated and then got back together, is it a realistic hope? Have I even done the right thing?
My wife says she could not live in our home again as it is owned by my parents, who incidentally live next door! Too close for comfort, and I get that but it is our family farm and has been for five generations... .I'm possibly get a little ahead of myself and maybe my wife's opinion will change after therapy... .?
I hope DBT/CBT works for her... .will it?
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babyducks
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2016, 06:53:00 AM »

Hi Barny,

Welcome.   You have been through quite a lot.   I know how tough things have been for you and your family because I have been there too.   Many of us have quite similar stories.  Not knowing what we are dealing with, finding out about BPD one way or another, having the  Idea moment.    And beginning to work our way to a healthier place.

As you know it is very difficult to resolve conflict with a pwBPD.   Things tend to escalate quickly.   There are a lot of tools and skills here, they are over on the right hand side of the screen in the side bar.    They are not intuitive and take real work on our parts.   They do help.

From your research you probably learned that BPD is a spectrum disorder.   We are all some place on the spectrum.  Everyone's story is unique.   

What I would encourage you to do is make yourself at home here.   Pull up your coffee mug and dive into the lessons and workshops.    Post.   It helps to write things out.     There is a thing we talk about here called a therapeutic separation.  What I found to be true for me is, when I have a high conflict person in my life I need to work, really work to make myself a better person.   To respond appropriately.   To not take the illness personally.   This website has been a great place to do that hard work.

Welcome

hope to see you on the boards.
'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Moselle
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2016, 08:02:34 AM »

Barny.

Let me join babyducks in welcoming you here. 

Sorry to hear about your difficult predicament and I can empathise with you and the associated pain. It's just a hard place to be, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself.

A borderline functions quite poorly in a loosely definited arrangement. I suggest you define some clarity. Spelled out details around the children financial arrangements etc, In an agreement. Decide what the objective is and stay consistent with it. This will soothe her mind which will likely focus on the most negative outcome due the fears of abandonment inherent in the borderline mindset.

Keep posting to let us know how it goes.
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Barny1705

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2016, 05:02:30 PM »

Barny.

Let me join babyducks in welcoming you here. 

Sorry to hear about your difficult predicament and I can empathise with you and the associated pain. It's just a hard place to be, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself.

A borderline functions quite poorly in a loosely definited arrangement. I suggest you define some clarity. Spelled out details around the children financial arrangements etc, In an agreement. Decide what the objective is and stay consistent with it. This will soothe her mind which will likely focus on the most negative outcome due the fears of abandonment inherent in the borderline mindset.

Keep posting to let us know how it goes.

Thank you. X
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Barny1705

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2016, 05:04:30 PM »

Hi Barny,

Welcome.   You have been through quite a lot.   I know how tough things have been for you and your family because I have been there too.   Many of us have quite similar stories.  Not knowing what we are dealing with, finding out about BPD one way or another, having the  Idea moment.    And beginning to work our way to a healthier place.

As you know it is very difficult to resolve conflict with a pwBPD.   Things tend to escalate quickly.   There are a lot of tools and skills here, they are over on the right hand side of the screen in the side bar.    They are not intuitive and take real work on our parts.   They do help.

From your research you probably learned that BPD is a spectrum disorder.   We are all some place on the spectrum.  Everyone's story is unique.   

What I would encourage you to do is make yourself at home here.   Pull up your coffee mug and dive into the lessons and workshops.    Post.   It helps to write things out.     There is a thing we talk about here called a therapeutic separation.  What I found to be true for me is, when I have a high conflict person in my life I need to work, really work to make myself a better person.   To respond appropriately.   To not take the illness personally.   This website has been a great place to do that hard work.

Welcome

hope to see you on the boards.
'ducks

Thank you, I have found some really useful things on here. I admit I am now concentrating on myself for a change so may not be on here very much initially, need to think about something other than BPD for a while! X
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Moselle
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2016, 09:35:24 PM »

That's fine. I remember that I also went through periods of activity and inactivity here.

It's a very hard thing to experience.

There is support and advice here. Just ask for it when you need it.

How are things with your wife?
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Barny1705

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2016, 02:28:53 PM »

That's fine. I remember that I also went through periods of activity and inactivity here.

It's a very hard thing to experience.

There is support and advice here. Just ask for it when you need it.

How are things with your wife?

Thanks.
Things are pretty rubbish, she's moving into her own place tomorrow however she's telling everyone that I have thrown her out of our home, she is unable to see it from my perspective and the fact that I am doing what I am doing for not only my own health but for the wellbeing of our two boys. My wife and her family see her as being the victim and the only injured party in all of this. Her parents refuse to seek advise and just this evening said they "are not ready" to watch the video on here, Living on the edge I think it's called. They are all so naive it's unbelievable. She says "This entire problem is not about our parents, its about us.  I am not forcing your parents to read about you and quite often reading seems to have made matters worse. I am a human being, not a patient on a book page"
My wife says that I have made it quite clear that because I have "thrown her out" she is has to get better without me and that "perfection doesn't exist, I am always going to me. I will always have this illness, we just have to find a way to deal with it. I know i have a long road to getting there, but if you're not prepared to help, then u need to find the perfect lady u are striving for, But thanks for making my night even more ___e than it already is". 
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Meili
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2016, 07:31:57 AM »

Hi Barny

You may want to consider not involving friends and family in this because it may only make more bad blood.

At this point, are you willing to work with your wife to repair the relationship? The last part of what you wrote seems to indicate that she wants to work with you.

You said that, for the moment, you are looking after yourself and your mental health. That's great! As 'ducks mentioned, around here we talk about Therapeutic Separation - Restarting the Relationship. Restarting the relationship can be a good idea sometimes when things have gotten so far out of alignment.

Have you set a target end date for the separation? As I'm sure that you're aware by now, pwBPD fear abandonment. If you have not set an end date for the therapeutic separation (if that's indeed what you're doing), you may want to do so to help your wife not fear the abandonment.
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2016, 01:38:30 PM »


Have you set a target end date for the separation? As I'm sure that you're aware by now, pwBPD fear abandonment. If you have not set an end date for the therapeutic separation (if that's indeed what you're doing), you may want to do so to help your wife not fear the abandonment.

Some great advice from Meili for your situation Barny.

I've also been there and I know how emotionally taxing it can get

Her parents will likely have a lot of shame around this and will likely have very little value to add here. I know that it feels lonely being the only one who is trying to help the situation. Also been there.

Have you been able to have any conversations with your wife about the terms of separation?

You will have to lead this and get it into place. She will be performing more like a blaming, impetuous child. Can you be the adult?
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Barny1705

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2016, 05:24:22 AM »


Have you set a target end date for the separation? As I'm sure that you're aware by now, pwBPD fear abandonment. If you have not set an end date for the therapeutic separation (if that's indeed what you're doing), you may want to do so to help your wife not fear the abandonment.

Some great advice from Meili for your situation Barny.

I've also been there and I know how emotionally taxing it can get

Her parents will likely have a lot of shame around this and will likely have very little value to add here. I know that it feels lonely being the only one who is trying to help the situation. Also been there.

Have you been able to have any conversations with your wife about the terms of separation?

You will have to lead this and get it into place. She will be performing more like a blaming, impetuous child. Can you be the adult?

Thanks Moselle and Meili.
I have not set a date to... .reassess our situation. I'm hoping that a few months of therapy will help things but therapy could and most likely will go on for years so I'm not really sure how long I should say, I guess between six and twelve months? Perhaps six as a year would come across as a very long time and more than likely seen by my wife that I didn't want to make a go of things, especially going on what she said to me the other day about being apart not helping our love for each other etc.
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Barny1705

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2016, 05:27:55 AM »


Have you set a target end date for the separation? As I'm sure that you're aware by now, pwBPD fear abandonment. If you have not set an end date for the therapeutic separation (if that's indeed what you're doing), you may want to do so to help your wife not fear the abandonment.

Some great advice from Meili for your situation Barny.

I've also been there and I know how emotionally taxing it can get

Her parents will likely have a lot of shame around this and will likely have very little value to add here. I know that it feels lonely being the only one who is trying to help the situation. Also been there.

Have you been able to have any conversations with your wife about the terms of separation?

You will have to lead this and get it into place. She will be performing more like a blaming, impetuous child. Can you be the adult?

Thanks Moselle and Meili.
I have not set a date to... .reassess our situation. I'm hoping that a few months of therapy will help things but therapy could and most likely will go on for years so I'm not really sure how long I should say, I guess between six and twelve months? Perhaps six as a year would come across as a very long time and more than likely seen by my wife that I didn't want to make a go of things, especially going on what she said to me the other day about being apart not helping our love for each other etc.  If I say we will look at things again at the beginning of May then that gives us both something to work towards. Does that seem sensible? It may be that come May a further six months is needed but like you say Meili setting a date will hopefully do something to alleviate my wife's fear of abandonment.
On another matter; I am currently working out a timetable for our two boys so we both have equal time with them during the day and overnight. I suppose doing 50/50 is the only way although it was mentioned to me that i am the main career and have a duty of care for the safeguarding on our children so that is also playing on my mind. My wife has never harmed the children but has been in our bedroom with a cord around her neck while the boys have been asleep across the hall and then police and ambulance have been called. Luckily the eldest (4) did not wake up but the youngest (1) did. She has also made plans (unbeknowingly to me at the time) to take the boys away with her to a friends house. Just something that plays on my mind, if my wife has the boys and if something happens and she receives some bad (in the mind of BPD) news and it all goes pear-shaped. In the past I have always been there and she knows I have always been there but from now on I won't be. Maybe current circumstances will help her?
Anyway... .I've got to look after myself as I have lost so much weight recently.  Last time my wife was really poorly (7/8 years ago) it nearly killed me! I ended up in hospital and had to have an emergency operation to remove my colon due to colitis! I'm pretty convinced that I would still have my colon today had it not been for the horrendous time we went through 8 years ago. Anyway I'm rambling now... .
Thank you again for your helpful replies, they are very reassuring.
Barney
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teapay
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« Reply #11 on: November 06, 2016, 07:47:07 AM »

Putting yourself first---your health, your needs and your desires first---is definitely the right track to take.  By being at the top of your game, you will be in much better condition to navigate all of this and help your kids, regardless of whether you stay together or split.  If you think you are not quite straight in the head, work towards that first, even if it takes the help of others.

Your current separation may help with that goal.  The fact that you have been able to mediate a temporary separation with 50%/50% custody is definitely in your interest if you do split, because courts tend not to want to change current statuses without good reason.  It also gives you leverage that can help you wife decide to work on herself, or else her life will likely change in a way she wouldn’t want, probably for the worse.  The more you can mediate (e.g. financial support, school ect... ) now to your advantage during this separation the better off you will be.  It may help you lay the groundwork in place for a more permanent separation in a less contentious atmosphere and help document an ongoing status of affairs, as well as your fitness, which would likely get challenged in a contentious divorce.  Even if the relationship continues, though, it will help you to establish some semblance of your own boundaries and what you want out of life.  Without that, it will be pretty much status quo going forward and often that is just not tenable for a lot of people.
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