remember my post about the therapist that does not want to talk to us?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wow... wow... wow!

Remember my post from a little while ago about my stepsons new therapist who was not willing to talk to my husband? Well things just exploded. The therapist still has not talked to my husband. She just informed us last Friday ivia a voicemail that the emails we send  to her are to the office email system that she does not use and she has set up a private email address for her clients.

So this morning we get an email from our lawyer with a forwarded email from BPDxw lawyer including a two page letter from the therapist stating all kinds of crap. For example saying that the boys should not come to our home. they are too fragile emotinally. The boys have voiced that they feel interrogated by us and that I (the stepmother) force fed them and therefore we obviously have no clue about how to deal with autism and that we need to educate our selves what it means to parent a child on the autism spectrum. Therapist also wrote that my husband was relucatant to her suggestions about visitation and changing the skype call schedule (remember all she did was yell at my hsuabnd for 15 min and that was all the contact we had so far). Visitation was never even part of that 15 min yelling.

Oh yeah... .and the therapist says she has been working with the kids since June. Well we have email documenttion showing that BPDxw informed my husband on Sept 6th that "the boys are now starting therapy on Fridays". So clearly BPDxw hid all of this information until she could be sure she had the therapist in her pocket.

And then, what kind of therapist makes such conclusions about a parent and stepmother after NEVER having talked to either of them?
Needless to say we are asking our lawyer to file a motion to have the therapist removed. (therapist is not court ordered).

I am shaking physically. I am so so mad!

[soundofmusicgirl]

Wow... wow... wow!

Remember my post from a little while ago about my stepsons new therapist who was not willing to talk to my husband? Well things just exploded. The therapist still has not talked to my husband. She just informed us last Friday ivia a voicemail that the emails we send  to her are to the office email system that she does not use and she has set up a private email address for her clients.

So this morning we get an email from our lawyer with a forwarded email from BPDxw lawyer including a two page letter from the therapist stating all kinds of crap. For example saying that the boys should not come to our home. they are too fragile emotinally. The boys have voiced that they feel interrogated by us and that I (the stepmother) force fed them and therefore we obviously have no clue about how to deal with autism and that we need to educate our selves what it means to parent a child on the autism spectrum. Therapist also wrote that my husband was relucatant to her suggestions about visitation and changing the skype call schedule (remember all she did was yell at my hsuabnd for 15 min and that was all the contact we had so far). Visitation was never even part of that 15 min yelling.

Oh yeah... .and the therapist says she has been working with the kids since June. Well we have email documenttion showing that BPDxw informed my husband on Sept 6th that "the boys are now starting therapy on Fridays". So clearly BPDxw hid all of this information until she could be sure she had the therapist in her pocket.

And then, what kind of therapist makes such conclusions about a parent and stepmother after NEVER having talked to either of them?
Needless to say we are asking our lawyer to file a motion to have the therapist removed. (therapist is not court ordered).

I am shaking physically. I am so so mad!

[Thunderstruck]

Stuff like that drives me up a wall. We tried getting SD11 into therapy but none of the therapists we talked to would work with her because uBPDbm wasn't on board. Then when uBPDbm coincidentally took SD11 to one of the therapists months later (without DH's approval, he had already vetted this T and didn't think she'd be a good fit for our situation) suddenly they can talk to her with no issues? Why is it not ok when mom's not on board but ok when dad's not on board? Double standards, ugh!

I wouldn't think that a T could testify in court without both parents consent. But yes, try to get this toxic person far away from the kids! I can't imagine that they are doing any good whatsoever.

[Sunfl0wer]

I recall that post about T not talking to you guys.

All I can say is
Wow!

Would have never occurred to me that she was intentionally alienating you guys.

I would file a complaint against her licensing board.

This is sounds like a huge violation of her role and abuse of her role.

[soundofmusicgirl]

@Sunfl0wer. I agree it is a huge violation of their role and of their ethics.

We talked to another therapist in the same town as that therapist and she said she had never heard of that therapist (this is a small town and small community where lawyers and mental health professionals usually know about each other). The therapist we talked to immediately knew about BPD when we asked her wether she could help us find therapists for the kids that have these kind of backgrounds. She looked up the therapist the kids are currently seeing and said she has never heard of her nor does it look like she has the credentials. She also confirmed that it is highly unethical to tell a parent what to do and write a letter without even having received consent from both parents.

Our lawyer reminded us that my DH has joined custody and that it is his right as a parent to send a letter to the therapist and stop treatment. She said fact is DH never gave his consent to that T so he would not even be revoking it. Just saying that he never gave his consent and that he does not give his consent now and all treatment should stop immediately.

The other T that we talked to said that her umbrella company is rather large and that they offer some good classes for kids  like my stepson that will start in January. So we will hand over this information to our lawyer.

The funny thing is. BPDxw lawyer said that BPDxw would be willing to let the kids come to us for christmas with her as the accompanying adult if we also pay for her airfare. Say what? First you try to tell us it is not in the best interests that the children come to our home and all the drama about travelling overseas but then you are willing to travel overseas on our dime? My DH pointed out to the lawyer that here BPDxw is actually handing us on a platter that she is not concerned about the children one bit, but only concerned about her money and her own convenience.

[Swiggle]

You may have already thought of this, but if people in the small town do not know of or have heard of this T, could it be possible that maybe it is a friend or something of BPDex that she manipulated into writing all those things to your L? Have the kids ever mentioned actually talking to this T? This was my first gut reaction after reading your post about this for the following reasons:

The T won't agree to see you and yelled at your DH the only time that they spoke
There isn't anyone in the small town who knows of this person
All of the things she says in the letter to your attorney are so convenient and sound scripted
She claims that the emails weren't seen because they go to an office and not a the private email her clients use... .seems fishy

[Sunfl0wer]

Got a point there.

You should be able to google search and find her license online. 
Public record
So is her license number... .
For the complaint.

[ForeverDad]

Is this a child counselor or therapist?  One trained and, if required, certified to work with children?

I gather that their dad is some distance away and so is not generally available to accompany the child for sessions.  That can complicate things.

I recall back to the days I first separated.  (I had a temp protection order due to her DV threats and my then-spouse had to move out.  From family court she managed to be declared custodial parent in a temp order there.)  She sought Negative Advocates from every agency and authority she could find and the local children's counseling agency was one of them.  I didn't find out about it until our insurance mailed a three month recertification letter.  Of course, I was in the home and received it.  So I went to the agency and spoke with the therapist.  I failed to pick up on one thing, the office manager was there too.  Really, I didn't speak with them, I spoke to them, they said very little.  They said to file for information.   So I did.  It took a few weeks but they responded with a form letter, the box checked that I was "likely to be a danger to the health or life of the child or others".  (No wonder the director sat in, to protect the therapist.)  So strange, I had 'standard' non-primary parent schedule with alternate weekends and no restrictions but I was likely to be dangerous?  Huh?  Well, in family court we had hearings every few months.  I asked the court to order access.  Magistrate responded that it was a state right that I had access to medical and other records.  So I tried again and got the same letter back, yes a photocopy!  Next time in court I reported failure and magistrate got then-stbEx to agree to sign the forms that might be needed for me to have access.  Failed again.  Well, I was more than frustrated, I was righteously indignant.  I had my lawyer file for me to get access to records.  As a written motion the magistrate couldn't gloss over the issue.  My lawyer warned at most I'd get records mostly blacked out.  Well, a year after the whole issue arose, I got the court to order it, and within two days I had some 200+ pages, nothing blacked out, notes clearly recorded how then-stbEx was claiming how evil I was.  The only documentation left out of the file was the letter I had first written (and left with them at that first encounter) where I had explained I'd just found out about therapy and was willing to share the history of our parenting, the recent conflict and expressed a clear willingness to work with them.  Soon thereafter the Custody Evaluation started and I shared the file with the CE (a child psychologist) and remarked I was getting no cooperation with the therapists.  He never said anything but I'm sure he spoke with them because his pending CE report was favorable to me and they reached out to me to invite me to son's Headstart preschool site.  Oh, and I never got any acknowledgement or apology from the therapy agency about their prior stance, I presumed they didn't want to open themselves up to complaints.

[sanemom]

I agree with the previous posters who said to get her licensure and call her in.  Find out if she is a social worker, counselor, or psychologist and file that complaint ASAP.  That is a total ethical violation, and, in most states, one cannot make a recommendation regarding times of possession unless one has done a thorough investigation into both homes.

[soundofmusicgirl]

where would I file the complaint? And how do we find out wether the T is still treating my SS´s? It is not beyond BPDxw to instruct the kids to hide it from us.

[Sunfl0wer]

https://www.flhealthcomplaint.gov/Person/111

This is the link for my state
Idk for yours or where you are.

There should also be a licensing board to call and contact.
Maybe ask them to see how to go about finding out if T is still seeing child?

Try googling: "(insert your state) Department of Health"
That should get you a government website that you can look up a license to verify it, and make a complaint, and get a phone number and some directions.

[livednlearned]

how do we find out wether the T is still treating my SS´s? It is not beyond BPDxw to instruct the kids to hide it from us.

I would email the T directly, or document the number of times your H attempts to contact the T to find out if she is still treating your SS.

In my experience, it's also best to present a firm, friendly non-aggressive/assertive demeanor. Whatever you write to the T, imagine it being read in court. 

And if you can, find out where she got her training. It matters. My T advised me to avoid any child psychologist who had been trained at a for-profit university like Argosy.

[Panda39]

I just Googled filing a complaint about a therapist in Colorado (my home state) it brought up all kinds of information for me.  Both where to file a complaint and where to verify state licensure.

Give Google a shot and see where it leads you.

I would start by first of all confirming this therapist is licensed and go from there.

Panda39

[soundofmusicgirl]

apparently the therapist decided to still treat my SS's. We send a notice to therapist that no consent was given on Monday.
AND our lawyer sent a notice to the opposing counsel.

Does anyone have experience of how we can stop this madness?

[ForeverDad]

Courts generally like counseling for the kids as I understand it.  So your task is not to oppose counseling as a concept or goal but to contest unprofessional or inexperienced counselors and improper counseling.

Same as with a lawyer, don't think just any counselor or evaluator is okay.  You already know the past one is probably no good.  Likely you already have an experienced and proactive attorney, you can ask which counselors or evaluators have a solid reputation.  Likely your lawyer can help guide you to reputable sources for recommendations.  Choose from among that short list.  If Ex is likely to oppose the selection of any professional you pick, then this is a proven alternative:  You make a short list of professionals that are recommended as solid.  Present it to the court and state you're willing to let Ex choose from your short list.  That way (1) both parents are involved in the selections and (2) you know whomever she picks will probably do solid counseling or evaluating.  Courts will probably like that approach.

[Sunfl0wer]

Was it ever confirmed that this is an active licensed credential counselor of some sort?
Did anyone look up this persons license yet?

[soundofmusicgirl]

yes, we looked up the licence and she has a current licence.

ForeverDad, we agree with you completely. DH has begged BPDxw for years to take the kids to counseling. He even made an appointment for the recommended therapy in the office that my SS's were evaluated in for BPDxw to take the kids there (since she had already chosen to take them to that office for evaluation). But then she cancelled that appointment and my DH then followed up with several emails asking her to please keep him in the loop and let him know when she sets something up.

So, with this current "crisis". My husband only sent the "stop treating my children" letter to their current therapist after he had secured a list of several good therapists that he spoke to personally that all confirmed they could deal with my SS's issues and would have availabilities right now. He forwarded that list to our lawyer the same day and she sent it off to opposing counsel the same day.
We had thought that this would actually get the therapist to stop working with the children. But she apparently does not care. When we called the office my DH was informed that he needs to speak to the therapist if he wants all records of the session.

[ForeverDad]

First, let me repeat that courts generally like counseling.  So it is good you provided a list of solidly experienced counselors for the child.  It shows you're not opposed to proper counseling.

That said, when we separated, my ex used her temp custody order to take our preschooler to counseling.  I found out after the insurance mailed out a three month recertification letter - to the home address where I had a TPO for protected residency.  I contacted the agency but they clearly viewed me as someone only a little less than Mr Evil Personified.  I met the therapist and the director.  They asked me no questions even when I offered to share our history and they shared absolutely no information.  They told me to write requesting information.  I received - twice, upon court's suggested solution - a form letter checking the box stating I was a risk to health or life of child or others.  It took a year and 3 discussions in court to get the notes.  My lawyer warned me they'd all be blacked out.  I got over 200 pages with nothing backed out.  The only thing I was sure was missing was my original letter with a brief summary of our history and current status and my offer and request to be involved with counseling.  Yes, a review of the notes proved she was using counseling as a platform to make me look bad and gather Negative Advocates for herself.  Still, they deferred to her since the magistrate had made a typical order with mother having temp custody.  It improved a few months later.  Looking back, I think the custody evaluator, being very respected in the area, contacted them and, um, set them straight.

[soundofmusicgirl]

ForeverDad, yes that sounds familiar.
So, did your preschooler continue counseling with that counselor? Did they finally see "the light"? Or did you have to swtich?

My brother is a therapist and he predicted that because the therapist does not see the "problem" (BPDxmom) that counseling for the children in that setting will be unsuccessful. He said if she is a good counselor that reflects upon how things are progressing with the childrne, she will realize after about 6 -9 months that therapy is not working for them in this setting.

We now have our lawyer send a letter to the counselor. It is just beyond my understanding how a therapist can simply ignore one parent when presented with a court order that shows both parents have legal and physical custody and when being informed that one parent intentionally hid from the other parent that the kids were in counseling.

[livednlearned]

Maybe the counselor has childhood trauma history that mirrors what BPD mom is telling her 

[ForeverDad]

Yes, we kept the counselor and agency.  Part of the problem was that then-stbEx had temp custody and she was of course feeling entitled, in control and desperately wanted to block my parenting any way she could.  That our divorce took nearly two years was another part of the problem.  It took over a year just to get records.  Court could have made a simple edit to the temp order but no, it didn't once fix the temp order.  First time the magistrate said I had statutory rights for access to records and the temp order didn't remove them.  That went nowhere fast.  Next time in court magistrate got her to agree to sign papers for me to have access.  You guessed it, never happened.  Third time I had my lawyer file a motion for access.  Granted.  (And I think I heard the lawyers in the hearing room laughing.)  My lawyer said it put the court in a quandary, court is supposed to protect the agencies and this was a motion in effect filed against them.  StbEx raised HIPAA claims that some of her comments were in the agency's logs and my lawyer was told to research whether that had basis?  Evidently never been done before, my lawyer told me other lawyers contacted him about his success.

Records access in the spring (court ordered!), got to visit son while at HeadStart (I think the CE had a hand in that!) then late the next winter we settled with Shared Parenting, equal time 2-2-3 schedule and we began alternating taking our by-then kindergartner to sessions.  In essence, I dragged her kicking and screaming to equal access.  Since her blocking tactic failed, it wasn't long before I was the one more regular at sessions.  When I later sought and obtained custody she quit altogether.  I have a photo of grinning counselor and son when he 'graduated' once the conflict was finally reduced. 

[soundofmusicgirl]

@livednlearned ... he he... . I wonder, I wonder


@ForeverDad
 My DH now asked the lawyer to send a letter to the T. Not sure if it worked, but my SS's reported they went sledding after the school the day they used to have therapy.
Of course this is also a complete shock to us, because BPDxw has NEVER ever taken the kids sledding. The only time they experienced it was with us several years ago. Also the kids were home from school for 3 days that week due to fever and illness. Were late to school for the 4th day and then on the 5th day she took them sledding after school (according to my SS's).
Countdown is on... they are supposed to fly to us in 6 days. Let's see what happens.