The indifference is hurting

[ThatNorthernBird]

Hi, I don't know whether I am in the right place but I found a thread by accident and it made a lot of sense. Recently I broke up with my ex because she made me more ill than happy. When I say ill I mean unstable and miserable. I don't know whether it was on purpose all the time but sometimes she would do things she knew would be upsetting like trapping me in a house when I want to leave etc.  I know that still I love her and I know that she's very bad for me and that even though it hurts it was the right decision.
However, the most painful part is that she lied to me about moving on. To my face and via text on more than one occasion. And since we broke up has been incredibly cold and indifferent and wants nothing to do with me.
Now I'm wondering if she ever really loved me at all and that the whole relationship was a lie. How do I deal with this without becoming completely unstable?

[woundedPhoenix]

Irony is, she really loved you. Sometimes even to the point where they love you more then anything else in the world, and want to sacrifice a great deal to prove that too you.

BUT... .

Due to their internal defenses and turmoil... .That can really flip on the spot. It may be caused by something you did or just by their inner workings, even then they will find reasons why it was you.

And then they don't love you anymore. Just like that. They don't even remember what it was like. Repressed or hidden under layers of projected anger, i don't know.

I had a 6 year long relationship go down like that.

My BPDex really shined and flourished during the breakup, flirting and diving into no-win relationships, and turning totally cold and indifferent towards me, no compassion.

I was a mess, hardly able to tell the lies from the reality. Completely shell-schocked cause i saw sides of her i never imagined possible.

And the indifference is hurting, cause we just don't have these defenses, to steamwall our way out of hurt and close off an attachment just like that by replacing it.

Love means everything to them, yet the way they go about breaking up has a rather cold business logic to it.

[CooperD]

Hi folks,

What you both describe above is exactly how I feel too.

The indifference and pain that she can just switch me off like a running tap.  My entire world and dreams were ripped apart by her last saturday as she smirked at me and has now blocked all contact with me.

Keep strong and I hope we all find a way through this as i have never experienced pain like this (even the death of loved ones).

[Kelli Cornett]

Not trying to be rude but if you broke - up with her why does it matter?


They are very all or nothing people. Black and white intensity.


You should be grateful she isn't stalking you or trying to ruin your life.


Or even worse threatening suicide or purposely getting pregnant to get you to stay.


This is what you get out of these people.


Count your blessings you can move forward without a big bad ending scene. You are free.

[hope2727]

I can only tell you my experience but it is this.

Yes he loved me and I loved him. Yes I love him still and probably he loves me too.

No he wouldn't see me or deal with the break up in a mature way. He didn't (doesn't) have those skills. No it is not my job to teach him those skills.

Yes he moved on and acted like he was shiny and wonderful after the breakup. (So did I.) No he was not likely ok. (Neither was I.)

Yes it hurts like nothing else can. Yes it will hurt for a long time. No you cannot skip over that hurt.

Yes I love him and  miss him. Thats ok. Yes I wish he would reach out. No I don't think I would react well if he did. I am human and hurt and fallible. Thats ok too.

No I don't think he will reach out. No I will not reach out to him. (Talk about stubborn and the pot calling the kettle black.  ) I am done offering olive branches. My tree is striped bare. He will have to do the work this time if he wants to. Yes I think he does, no I don't think he is able to.

So yes it was real. For my pwBPD everything is vividly real in any given moment. But then the moment changes and, like quick silver, so does he.

For me the love never dies. It is there still. It likely always will be.

For him it is a fleeting gust of wind in an emotional storm. He can barely draw a breath and the gusts blow him another direction. It is all he can do to hold on and keep his feet. I can't allow myself to be blown away in the storm with him. So I have let him go. If he finds his way to stability I will still love him. I just may not be able to expose myself to him in any significant way again. Only time will tell.

I have forgiven mine long ago. I have forgiven myself too. I hope he can do the same. I hope this for you too. 

[prwkent]

This post was the most heartfelt honest writing I have come across so far in the discussions.  I too have come to accept that the love we feel will not fade or go away.  The reality is that the destructive dynamics simply have to end, and sadly, that seems to be only when apart.  Love from afar and seek other positive things today.

[spottedabel]

Hi there!

I, too, am in a very similar situation right now, difference being that my ex's indifference shows in another way. We've kept in steady contact after breaking up because we were both still interested in pursuing the relationship after dealing with certain problems/getting therapy but it now so turned out that she found someone better already and I want to respect her decision by letting her go.

Problem being that she keeps telling me there's nothing going on between her and him DESPITE being incredibly obvious. Not only does he get everything I used to and more, but I also get nothing: barely a good night, a conversation, anything else. Still going. Suddenly, she doesn't care for me anymore, even going so far as to forget to reply to me after I was fresh out of the hospital with very unsettling news. Total indifference for the sake of someone else.

What I've read somewhere in this forum before is something I've been thinking about a whole lot ever since, namely "it's so hard to let go of a BPD partner because they've demanded everything from us and once nobody wants everything anymore, we start feeling lost and wish for them to return". It's just how they are, they love hard but also need to be loved hard, so when they're gone, who do we give this affection to?

Exactly. There's nobody there.

My advice to you is that you should take time to grieve but never forget that it's you who broke up in the first place: she made you feel bad and you don't want that anymore, that's fine. Do you want to go back to where you've once been? Are there any chances if reconcilliation without her behavior spiking back up? Would you be willing to accomodate to her wishes anew? I'm asking you this because a relationship consists out if more than just one person, and every party has to contribute to make it work.

If not, let it be. Breathe. It'll take time to get over it, but you're not alone.

I wish you all the best!

[lovenature]

Hey northern bird

She did really love you, so much that the fear of engulfment scared her to the point she needed to push you away to avoid her greatest fear of abandonment; keep reading and learning, you will see that a PWBPD's defensive behaviours all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment.

[apollotech]

Hi TNB,

With a pwBPD, you have to view their actions and behaviors from their perspective, a disordered one. In other words, what you're seeing/understanding as indifference is probably actually a result of her disorder. Therefore, said indifference would have nothing to do with you personally.

The most hurtful aspects of a BPD relationship are the coping mechanisms employed by the pwBPD in order to regulate their emotions/themselves. Therapies usually target these malformed/destructive coping mechanisms by attempting to instill new, less destructive coping mechanisms in the pwBPD.

With all that said, be wary of applying normal thinking to what you're witnessing/experiencing. That doesn't work well in regards to the behaviors/actions of a pwBPD. What you're seeing as indifference, which is causing you grief, is probably the disorder at work. Regardless of the cause, it is no less hurtful to be sure, but understanding said cause(s) will ease much of your grief. Simply stated, be cautious of taking things at face value when it comes to a pwBPD.