Ever Feel Embarrassed About All the Failed Relationships?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well, another one bites the dust. The third one in two and half years. It's embarrassing.

My friends and family who are generally supportive probably just expect this from me with my list of crazies and failures.

Honestly, I keep trying to do better. I watch for red flags and do my best to be as good of a boyfriend as I can be. Everyone says that I am a good catch but I'm sure that's what they all say to be nice. I know what they are really thinking... .another failed relationship. What's wrong with him?

I've learned not to post anything on Facebook about my relationships as why create even more embarrassment. I used to love pushing the button that says, "in a relationship" but after I turn it back to "single", it's hard to see all the "what happened?" questions.

Sad.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Well, another one bites the dust. The third one in two and half years. It's embarrassing.

My friends and family who are generally supportive probably just expect this from me with my list of crazies and failures.

Honestly, I keep trying to do better. I watch for red flags and do my best to be as good of a boyfriend as I can be. Everyone says that I am a good catch but I'm sure that's what they all say to be nice. I know what they are really thinking... .another failed relationship. What's wrong with him?

I've learned not to post anything on Facebook about my relationships as why create even more embarrassment. I used to love pushing the button that says, "in a relationship" but after I turn it back to "single", it's hard to see all the "what happened?" questions.

Sad.

[Larmoyant]

WhatJustHappened, I know it's hard, but can I ask what did just happen? I'd like to see if I can help you.

[C.Stein]

Honestly, I keep trying to do better. I watch for red flags and do my best to be as good of a boyfriend as I can be. Everyone says that I am a good catch but I'm sure that's what they all say to be nice. I know what they are really thinking... .another failed relationship. What's wrong with him?

Watching for red flags certainly keeps you alert to potentially unhealthy relationships, but more important is what you do when you recognize a red flag.  What do you do?

I don't know how old you are, but finding a good match can take time and a lot of trial and error.  That said, if you find yourself repeating patterns with failed relationships then you might want to start looking at two things in general.

1) The women you are attracted to
2) Your own behavior in the relationship

Do you want to discuss these and how you might make some changes?

[WhatJustHappened?]

So to be upfront, I really didn't understand what PDs were until about a year and a half ago after I reconnected with my first love many years later. That's when it dawned on me and I really put some thought into why I am attracted to that type.

My synopsis was that I tend to have low self-esteem and try to please others' more than myself. I also tend to like the attention and fast-pace of the relationships that those with PDs typically show. Since I came to this board after my failed relationship with my first love, I tried again a couple of times.

The first attempt failed mainly because we were just not a good fit. Okay, that happens. The second attempt which was the most recent, failed after I got punched in the face and learned that she again was unstable.

What's particularly upsetting is that I really watched for the red flags and thought I had finally found "the one". But out of nowhere, the "crazy" literally hit me. Of course then I'm thinking, "how could I have not seen any signals?" "What's wrong with me?"

But looking back say the last 10 to 15 years, I see in my mind, a general pattern of picking the wrong ladies. I have also seen what I would describe as me being "all in" and my partner being "all in for her". That's probably some sort of distortion on my part but I have to tell you I do think some of my perception is real.

I'm not sure what I can better. I have my own issues with depression and anxiety but have done a lot of work to fix those issues including medication and therapy. I have worked a lot on how to listen better, help when needed, set boundaries and argue like an adult when they arise. I don't see that coming back my way.

Appreciate the help... .

[Lucky Jim]

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
― Thomas A. Edison

Hey Whatjust, Don't beat yourself up!  If you're having relationships, you're growing and learning, so give yourself a break.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Well, another one bites the dust. The third one in two and half years. It's embarrassing.

I really didn't understand what PDs were until about a year and a half ago

Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you have had two failed relationships over a year and a half since you figured out what PDs were and that you tended to be drawn toward them.

(plus some number before you had any clue what was going on)

This kind of thing isn't easy to see in yourself, and isn't easy to change once you do see it either.

The first attempt failed mainly because we were just not a good fit. Okay, that happens. The second attempt which was the most recent, failed after I got punched in the face and learned that she again was unstable.

Only one out of two is a likely PD issue. And you aren't trying to figure out how to "make it work" after being punched in the face.

Adding it all up, your learning curve sounds pretty good to me!

Are you wanting to get back out into dating now, or take some time out and work on yourself as a single guy?

[valet]

Interesting question, WJH. Personally, I've never felt embarrassed about my relationship history. There have been ups and downs, but I feel that most people don't really focus too intently on my romantic life unless I involve them explicitly by asking for advice, etc. In turn, I can say that I also generally don't care too much. My friends and family are just that. I don't expect them to be critical unless it's called for. I expect them to be understanding and compassionate, and they usually are.

This might sound off the wall, but it might not be a bad idea to ask those closest to you what they think. I assure that the answer will most likely be very different than what you're projecting here. Don't be afraid to let people surprise you. And try not to be hard on yourself.

We're all learning. That's what life is. And, as some here have alluded to, you need to take care of yourself and your own self-esteem first and foremost. Are there any ways that you can think of to build that up while you're out of a relationship?

[C.Stein]

I'm not sure what I can better.

Here is an idea.  There are two types of red flags, the ones a potential partner might raise and the ones you raise yourself.  The more I think about my own situation I am beginning to get the impression that anyone I feel an intense attraction to, not just a physical one, is probably not a person I should be involved with.  Perhaps this might be something you can identify with?

[BowlOfPetunias]

As Dan Savage says, EVERY relationship you--or anyone else--will be in WILL FAIL--until one doesn't.

With the exception of arranged marriages with no possibility of divorce--which are really failures that are never recognized as such--everyone has gone through several partners.  Don't think you are in anyway atypical just because you have had failed relationships.

What can be seen as a failed relationship can also be seen as a successfully extraditing yourself from an abusive situation.  When you find yourself assuming that everyone must look down on you because you ended a relationship, honestly ask yourself what they would think if they knew that you stayed in an abusive relationship out of fear.

[Lucky Jim]

When you find yourself assuming that everyone must look down on you because you ended a relationship, honestly ask yourself what they would think if they knew that you stayed in an abusive relationship out of fear.

Nicely put, BowlofPetunias!  Moreover, staying in an abusive r/s can lead to depression as well as loss of self-esteem.

LuckyJim

[WhatJustHappened?]

I really appreciate everyone's encouraging viewpoints. Thanks! I guess it's just that many have been married once or twice and seem to have easier times maintaining stable relationships. It starts to play with my head that somehow something is wrong with me. Now of course, at 49, I have learned never to judge what you see on the outside as you never know what's happening in a couple's private life. But still... .

I'm not sure about dating right now. I keep loading and unloading dating apps I'm lonely but then I'm not. There's a big urge on my part to find the right partner for the long haul.

[Herodias]

I have read it's a good idea to spend some time alone to really get to know yourself and what you are looking for and not looking for in a relationship. I don't love being alone, but I am finding it is really making me take care of myself since I never did that in the past. I also am really paying to attention to who I meet and who I am letting into my life. I am in your same boat about feeling like I have done nothing but make poor choices, so I finally am making sure I do not compromise my needs in the future. Hope you spend the time to do the same, it's too easy to keep getting into bad situations... It is harder to wait and make better choices.

[Panda39]

WJH,

I also suggest taking your time to learn more about yourself.  Being in a relationship isn't a competition with everyone else who is in a relationship.  Dating is about finding the right person for you and for the right reasons.

I married my husband for many of the wrong reasons... .I waited 10 years for the boyfriend before my husband to ask me to marry him and he didn't, he cheated and my heart was broken.  Some people say wait a year before your next relationship but it isn't about time it's about healing.  I dated after a year but I wasn't ready but didn't recognize that I wasn't. 

I put all kinds of different pressures on myself... .I was 26 I should be getting married, all my friends were getting married, I thought my mother and society expected that of me, I was looking for someone that would commit to me to show the old boyfriend and myself that someone would, I had horrible self-esteem coming out of the previous relationship so a new relationship made me feel wanted.

I met my husband in June, started dating in July, was engaged by August and married the following year. I married my "Rebound" man,  I thought I loved him but it wasn't him that I loved it was the way I felt by being with him, but it could have just as easily been any guy willing to make the commitment.  I married my husband simply because he asked.  It had nothing to do with who he was and who I was or about love it was about proving something.

Well what it ultimately proved was I was an idiot!

Turns out I married someone I didn't know well, turns out I married an alcoholic, turns out I had trapped myself in an unhappy co-dependent marriage.  It took me almost 20 years to finally leave.  My ex is not a bad person but he was not the person for me and I was not the person for him. 

I've done a lot of growing and healing since I got married and even more so since my divorce.  I've learned that I'm a great person just the way I am and I deserve a partner that thinks that too.  That a relationship is a partnership of mutual respect and love.  I deserve that kind of relationship and I was willing to kiss some frogs to find the right guy. 

So I will say again dating and relationships are not a competition, it is a selection process.  Don't settle for someone that isn't right for you just because you want to be in a relationship.  Look for the person that is just right for you... .so what if you have to kiss some frogs to get there, you seem to be judging yourself too harshly.  Each  relationship we enter into is an opportunity to learn something about yourself or fine tune what you're looking for in your next partner, it isn't about success or failure.

So look back on your relationships what can you learn from them?  What is your part in the success or failure of past relationships?  What have you learned about what works or doesn't work for you what will you look for in your next potential partner?

For instance I have the caretaker/rescuer personality of many members here and I often focused only on what I could do for my boyfriends and neglected to look at what (if anything) they did for me... .do you think in the long run I would be happy? Yes there is some satisfaction in helping someone but how could I be happy if I didn't get my needs met in a relationship?  How was I going to be happy if I never even asked for what I needed... .instead I became resentful and an unhappy partner.

Do some reflecting, some healing, and stop beating yourself up 

Panda39

[jasmine-1234]

YES I totally do!

Not only did I just post on Facebook about our engagement a week before it all fell apart... .I let go a lot of "healthy" relationships that I got "bored" with.  I think somehow I like the drama or it comes from childhood.

But there's a lot of shame... .I haven't made the announcement that B and I have broken up because I don't want the barrage of questions and people's comments about it. It also makes me sad that everyone thinks I"m in Happy Engagement land and it's farther from the truth. My world was shattered, I'm alone in my house and no relationship again.

I feel now I'm older, 41 yrs old, its more embarrassing. Like I couldn't figure it out over 20 years of dating?  What the heck is wrong with me?  I even tried to revisit some of my ex's this past few weeks, but it doesn't seem they are really interested in anything serious with me.  I guess I don't blame them, I have a very volatile and "drama filled" history. Who would want to sign up for that? 

It also makes me want to tell new people I meet that my boyfriend moved moved out, not my fiance, to eliminate part of the drama.  It just sucks not being able to tell the truth most of the time... .

[WhatJustHappened?]

The more I think about my own situation I am beginning to get the impression that anyone I feel an intense attraction to, not just a physical one, is probably not a person I should be involved with.  Perhaps this might be something you can identify with?

So I've been thinking a lot about this C.Stein and I think you may be right. This might help reduce the 'casualties'. I don't know why but this thought keeps coming back in my mind when I think about some of my past relationships. Thanks!

[michel71]

What a fantastic post! I could have written parts of each post and related to so much of what was said. I too feel embarrassed about all my failed relationships. Since 2007 I have been married 3 times, the last of which is on the rocks. The first one should have been the one that worked but didn't. We had a daughter together. My spouse got tired of me, lost interest in sex and basically didn't "need" me anymore. My second marriage was a re-bound one. I didn't get to know my spouse that well who then turned out to be a drunk. I put up with rehab and then my spouse got a DUI and I was done. Divorced that one. This most recent one you all can read about. OF the 3 this is the worst of all.
I lost the support of my friends really after marriage number 2. They were not interested at all ( pretty much over it) when I married number 3. It is not that my friends dumped me or anything, they are still my loyal supporters and love me, but they just lost interest in my enthusiasm with spouse number 3. I didn't even get any wedding gifts and no one came to the wedding. But it was a destination wedding so I really didn't expect any. But not even a card? LOL.
I am in a place now where I have no interest in dating... .EVER. I am too frightened of my choices thus far. I want to be by myself for quite some time. And I am very fine with that.

[Wize]

Hey OP.  I totally and completely relate to what you're feeling.  I'm 44 now and let me tell you, my relationship history ain't all that pretty.  It's sort of become a joke within my family and circle of friends.

I have a new gf now, been with her for 2 months.  She was introduced to my mom and dad at a lunch gathering.  We all had a good time.  Afterwards I asked my folks what they thought of her.  Their response: "Well, Wize, she seems very nice, but they're always nice at the beginning." I had no choice but to see the humor in it. 

Don't sweat the past.  Find the humor in it, learn from it and keep on truckin.

[Skip]

What's particularly upsetting is that I really watched for the red flags and thought I had finally found "the one". But out of nowhere, the "crazy" literally hit me.

Dare I say, its not about avoiding red flags.

Do you become an expert architect by avoiding building seriously flawed homes? No. You become an architect by knowing what the green flags are and developing them.

Sure, avoid obvious red flags - but the art is in the green flags.