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Author Topic: Daughter Does not want my GF of 3 yrs at her wedding  (Read 439 times)
outside9x
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« on: December 21, 2016, 12:00:53 PM »

Hi,

Little BG.  I am 66 years old.  My wife divorced me 6 years ago.  My Daughter lives 1000 miles away. She has been very non responsive over the years.  I always been a great dad to her. Never missing one event etc, and loving to her.  Yet so puzzled over how she treats me, even asking her questions regarding it, and leaving those questions very open and not defensive so she could express herself.

Yet, the times she does communicate with me, which is not much, she say, she loves me, etc.

Now, I been dating this wonderful woman, my age, for slightly over 3 years.  She nice, and very kind and giving.  Wonderful family etc.

She very much wants to attend this wedding and meet my daughter.  She never has. 

My Daughter is getting married in Feb.  I haven't even been introduce to the parents.  The wedding is small, 16 people.  Yes, my ex is going to be there.  She married and got divorce.  I doubt my kids even know that since she wanted me to keep that a secret, which I have. I was married for 34 years btw.

Anyway, my son tells me 2 days ago that he and my Ex are Ok with me bring my GF.  My daughter is not, and has not given me a good reason.  MY GF really wants to go, and she is my SO. 

I can't believe she making me chose.  My SO is very sweet, and family bound person.  She will be crushed, as she has wanted to see her.  She never even seen my son, who lives 2,000.  Another story.

I don't know what to do, and I can tell you it doesn't seem I have any good scenario here. 

My Daughter told me she will be happy to meet her another time, but not on her wedding day.  No reason other than that!

I can't believe this.  It's so unloving and caring.  I am not arguing with her but I am pointing out certain things to her, to no avail.   This is not Good.  I feel my daughter is wrong, and I understand it's her day.

I would always want my parents to be happy.  Even if they split up . I couldn't do what my daughter is asking.  I would never put anyone in that situation.  MY SO will be crushed.  It will be like I am taking sides. 
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half-life
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« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2016, 12:17:38 PM »

My Daughter told me she will be happy to meet her another time, but not on her wedding day.

So she has told you how she feel. Unfortunately it is not going to turn out to be a big happy family gathering as you have hoped. But I can see where she comes from. For one reason or another your daughter and you and have not maintained a close relationship. She has never met your GF. She is not comfortable to have a person she does not relates to pop up in her small, intimate wedding.

You GF seems warm and loving. You afraid it would disappoint her if she is not attending. But this is your daughter's wedding. The priority should be her's, not your GF's desire.

She say she will be happy to meet her another time. I see this as an positive sign. I don't think you should push her beyond what she is comfortable with.
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outside9x
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« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2016, 01:44:44 PM »

Thank You for Half-Life your reply, I do appreciate it.  
I don't agree with it, but I welcome your honesty and your thoughts on this.

I have try all that I could to have a relationship, and I never tried to embarrass her or shame her for ignoring me, or make her feel bad about that even though I hurt inside and never understood it.  If I treated her badly, shunned her, hit her, yelled etc, I could see that.  But that never happened.  I support and been there for ever , and I mean ever activity, but that does not help.  I can honestly say, I don't understand it, and asked her what she is feeling, without any reply.  Though as mentioned, in the few times, she communicates, she will say, she loves me.  

So, it's not a matter of being in the right, but it is a matter of being a kind person and not causing one to choose between your SO of 3 years and her.  That's a definite line in the sand.  It's not a matter of proof of love.  She knows that, through my actions, and words REGARDLESS AS TO HOW SHE HAS TREATED ME!  

I feel more than anything, it's truly and unkind act to do.  I understand it's her very special day. Her list of invites is her's, but usually you don't single people out IN PAIRING.  Even though my Ex treated me unfairly, we are still are very good terms. So, that's not the issue either as mentioned.

I don't know how my SO will take this or whether or not it will cause her to say, pick a side.  That wouldn't be good either.  I feel a no win situation with both for that.  WHo does that, who makes you choose for no good reason? Regardless of that, my little girl has to know this will cause much harm now, and if we should marry or live together cause some bad feels, which to the point, why would anyone do that.


I know what many might be thinking, that going and leaving my SO behind will help a to established our bond, strengthen it.  I have done that, and  been there many times, as in driving her to school, 440 miles away (880 round trip) or paying to repair her car, sending her to Hawaii, and being there for graduation a thousand miles away and yet, she didn't even graduate.  Paying extra for on line courses etc, etc, well after college.  Those things came without any strings without me saying it's hard or costly or whatever, I am her Dad, and I should do those things!

  SO, not inviting my SO , I can see nothing to be gained from it, only bad things coming from it.  I can't think of why anyone would want to dictate to their parents who they can bring, especially if the person is someone that would cause no harm whatsoever!  I am in a tough spot! Overtime, maybe wisdom will come.  FOr now, I haven't made any drastic statements etc. Why would I!

I think the world could use more love and compassion!

 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2016, 02:12:00 PM »

Hey outside, What would happen if you discussed the whole situation with your GF?  Maybe she might have a different perspective than you.  LJ
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« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2016, 02:40:54 PM »

Hello Outside,

I can see your point of view, and if I were in your shoes; I would also be dissapointed.
I do not think however that your daughter is putting you in a position where she pushes you to choose between her and your SO. All she's saying is that she prefers you come alone. I would not read more in it, than that.

If you have the feeling that you should choose, than this says something about your feelings, not about the feelings of your daughter. There is no choosing here. If I were you, I would go to the wedding alone. End of story.

If your daughter is getting married with a small party, it's her choice to invite only people she knows. As a dad, you have the right to not understand that, but still respect her wishes. We do not always have to agree with people, not even with the people we love.

It is positive that your daughter wants to meet your SO at another time. If I were you, I would quietly wait for that other time and everything will sort itself out. No need for adding drama to your lives.
You may not like it (I fully understand !), but your daughter is entitled to having boundaries and expressing them.

I want to echo what LJ said : maybe your SO is ok with your daughter's wish. It should not be painful for her persé. After all, they don't even know each other, so maybe there is not a lot to be hurt from.

Good luck !
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half-life
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« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2016, 03:02:48 PM »

I don't mean you are at fault in anyway in your relationship with your daughter. I have problem of my own with my kids. I can empathize that you have tried your best. Just to point out the objective fact that she has not met her. And we should respect her if she might not want to invite her to her wedding.
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outside9x
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« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2016, 03:38:04 PM »

Hi All,

I don't see what she losses, or how she losses inviting my SO.  Though you can bet, my SO will heart broken, I can assure you.  My SO is not Vindictive, or spiteful or hateful, so she wouldn't hate her or be mean.  She doesn't possess any of those qualities, thank God.

BTW , the wedding, is up in the hills of some mountain, in Colorado, in early Feb, and it will be very cold.  Later, from what I hear, we will have drinks and a small dinner back at some hotel.  (There is no Band, no Church ceremony etc.  )

Yes there are two relationship at work here.  One person can make it easy, and won't, the other will be hurt and might feel, I choose my kids over her.  That has happened and ended relationship.  I ma not sure if this is somewhat in the background in my daughters thoughts.

My Ex remarried and then divorce the guy.  My Son just told me, she regrets ever divorcing me. 

Anyway, I will have to talk to my SO, about this real soon.  I can't bear this load anyway.  I will be honest, and direct.  What she will say, or do, knowing how shabby and hurtful my daughter has been to me, and she really has, while she been supportive, is anyone guess.  It could just sink the relationship, depending on that conversation.

Again, I can't see the emotional baggage this brings to my daughter, to allow me to bring my SO.  I thought the younger generation was so open and giving.  I guess not!
 

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outside9x
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« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2016, 04:10:30 PM »

I apologize for the terrible grammar.  Feeling very bad at present!
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2016, 04:21:27 PM »

Hey outside, Maybe you could explain to your SO that you haven't decided anything yet, but would like to let her know how things stand because it puts you in an awkward situation (to say the least) and is hard on you.   LJ
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« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2016, 08:33:44 PM »

Hi there, and sorry for your predicament. The way I see it is that it is your daughter's wedding, so she can make any request she wants. Her request is rude, but it is her choice, so you have to accept it, like or not. I'd talk with my SO and see how she feels. If she makes it clear that you have to choose, that's equally immature and lacking in respect, but then the ball's in your court. Do you choose your distant daughter or your SO? If it were me, I'd probably skip the wedding entirely, and if  your daughter holds it against you, so be it.
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2016, 01:06:58 AM »

I will give my two cents worth only because I deal with many brides.  Not wanting your SO there is not personal.  The day belongs to the bride and groom.  They are in love enough to  marry and their focus is on each other and their day.  Meeting your SO should of been a couple years ago but it didn't happen , ok.   So if your SO came to the wedding then the focus would be on meeting your SO and SO meeting them.   Your ex meeting SO too. And D in the middle still. Awkward!  If it was a large wedding with lots of both sides of family and friends and coworkers and everyone dancing drunk to bands , then SO could slip in and be your SO without much fanfare.  16 for a wedding is extremely small and she just wants you, Dad , father of the bride, to be there to share the day with her.  Try not to over think that. 
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GaGrl
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« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2016, 09:56:41 AM »

I agree with Whirlpool. A wedding of 16 is definitely I'm I-mate, and a bride having hat type of wedding wants everyone attending to have a special relationship with the couple.

This is not the type of event to introduce a new relationship - it takes the attention off the couple and ,frankly, just emphasizes that many marriages don't last.

Don't assume she is targeting your SO. I doubt that is the case.
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« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2016, 07:28:58 PM »

I agree with Whirlpool and Gagrl.    A bride's special day shouldn't include the unknown variables of emotions of divorced parents.   Maybe your daughter is more concerned how her mother or others will react to your girlfriend.   
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2016, 10:01:02 PM »

You have to try to see from her side I can see it from your side too but you have to open your eyes to hers.

She's getting married she's having a small intimate wedding. She doesn't want to meet people she's never met on all days, her own wedding is understandably not one of them. And she seems seems pretty open to meeting her on another day which is totally understandable!. I don't know what your situation is but throughout the three years there could've been other times where they could've met and maybe then she would have got a personal invite instead of wanting to go. I understand that she is your SO, I understand that seems like she shutting out your SO. But as tradition it's her day and what she wants goes. Hey maybe if you guys have a chance to meet sometime after the wedding you will both get a personal invitation to the one-year anniversary of something like that
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #14 on: December 29, 2016, 03:21:01 PM »

My suggestion is that you consider boundaries between you and your daughter. What is yours, and what is hers.

It is her wedding. This day is for her and her husband to be. She wants people who are important to her and her future husband there.

Despite whatever strain there is between you and her, she wants you there. Be there, that is the right thing to do for your daughter.

She has never met your gf. Your GF is not (currently) a part of her life. Effectively a stranger to your daughter. Why would she want a stranger at her wedding, especially a small family one?

Your GF is an important part of your life, and you would like to introduce her to your family. I think this would be a good thing to do, and I hope it happens, and I hope it goes well. But please understand--this is what YOU want. It isn't your daughter's desire, and her wedding isn't the time for her to cater to your desires like this. (The tables will be turned if you and your GF get married!)

You cannot force your daughter to accept this as part of her wedding. She's made it clear that it isn't what she wants. I don't believe you will gain anything by pushing on this issue. Be gracious and honor your daughter's expressed wishes for her wedding.

... .perhaps if you explain it this way to your GF, she will understand that it is the right thing to do, even if it isn't what either of you wish, and hopefully without much anger or resentment toward your extended family.
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outside9x
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« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2017, 08:27:54 PM »

First Thanks All!,

This is a tough one for sure.  I been trying to have a good holiday and I did.  SO, I try to stay away from the board.  Hope you all had a good Holiday too!

Well, what I said to my SO was I would go, but I would not attend the small dinner after the wedding.  My daughter called, and said again she is real sorry , but she doesn't want to invite her. She told me that she is happy for me that I found someone so nice and is good to me, and that she would love to meet her later on.  (My Daughter lives 1,000 miles away, so would that happen? who knows)   I told my daughter since she has being ignoring me and since she is not inviting my SO, that I will come, but I will not be attending the dinner they are planning after the wedding.  I am just making a small protest and support of my SO.  My SO was pretty much on board with this but , would talk about it everyday, etc, etc.  Pressure! 

So as mentioned my daughter calls and tells me the actual plan, which is meet up for Friday for drinks and appetizers and decide if the Wedding is going to be out door or in this cabin (The wedding is in CO. in Feb. so it might be really cold or snow)  I told my daughter I might not be attending the dinner after the wedding.  Wedding on Saturday.  She kinda of understood my reason for not attending and though even to me it sounds stupid, I am doing in support.  But hoping to also meet my son later on that evening ass he lives on the west coast.  Long story.

So, my SO asked how my conversation went w my daughter, this evening.  I was honest and told her.  Immediately she got very upset, and took her house keys away from me and said that's it we are over, we are done.  I asked what did I do?  I held to not going to dinner Sat after the wedding! She said well, you are going Friday night!

My SO, has done this breakup stuff before. It's getting abit old.  No yelling etc, just leave etc, etc, no mean words etc, but I just couldn't take it tonight and all the pressure I felt, so as she was reaching to give me my keys (My house keys)  I just left and shook my head and said, calmly that I can see there is no winning here.  If I go, I will always hear this from her and other things.  If I don't go, regardless of my daughters bad behavior , I might regret that, maybe for the rest of my life.   It's so bizarre
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Dontknow88
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« Reply #16 on: January 07, 2017, 10:32:29 PM »

First Thanks All!,

This is a tough one for sure.  I been trying to have a good holiday and I did.  SO, I try to stay away from the board.  Hope you all had a good Holiday too!

Well, what I said to my SO was I would go, but I would not attend the small dinner after the wedding.  My daughter called, and said again she is real sorry , but she doesn't want to invite her. She told me that she is happy for me that I found someone so nice and is good to me, and that she would love to meet her later on.  (My Daughter lives 1,000 miles away, so would that happen? who knows)   I told my daughter since she has being ignoring me and since she is not inviting my SO, that I will come, but I will not be attending the dinner they are planning after the wedding.  I am just making a small protest and support of my SO.  My SO was pretty much on board with this but , would talk about it everyday, etc, etc.  Pressure! 

So as mentioned my daughter calls and tells me the actual plan, which is meet up for Friday for drinks and appetizers and decide if the Wedding is going to be out door or in this cabin (The wedding is in CO. in Feb. so it might be really cold or snow)  I told my daughter I might not be attending the dinner after the wedding.  Wedding on Saturday.  She kinda of understood my reason for not attending and though even to me it sounds stupid, I am doing in support.  But hoping to also meet my son later on that evening ass he lives on the west coast.  Long story.

So, my SO asked how my conversation went w my daughter, this evening.  I was honest and told her.  Immediately she got very upset, and took her house keys away from me and said that's it we are over, we are done.  I asked what did I do?  I held to not going to dinner Sat after the wedding! She said well, you are going Friday night!

My SO, has done this breakup stuff before. It's getting abit old.  No yelling etc, just leave etc, etc, no mean words etc, but I just couldn't take it tonight and all the pressure I felt, so as she was reaching to give me my keys (My house keys)  I just left and shook my head and said, calmly that I can see there is no winning here.  If I go, I will always hear this from her and other things.  If I don't go, regardless of my daughters bad behavior , I might regret that, maybe for the rest of my life.   It's so bizarre

Hello.

With all respect (and I understand your side) I am on your daughters side on this. A wedding (her own wedding) isn't a place to meet someone new/for the first time (that is extra pressure) I understand the distance is far and it would of been killing 2 birds with one stone. I understand she's your SO. But I think further.

I don't understand why your SO is so angry. Personally her wanting to go so bad is crossing your daughters boundaries, it's hers and her husbands day. it shouldn't be a big beal but it is. She and you needs to understand that they have never met before and a wedding isnt a place to do that, it's a time that you share with the people they think are close to them and or family they love.

I know it sucks and I feel for you but think about some more,  that's just the reality to how things are between everyone involved. The relationships strengths.


(sorry I have a quick question for you who's the BPD in your life ?)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #17 on: January 08, 2017, 08:53:27 AM »

My SO, has done this breakup stuff before. It's getting abit old.  No yelling etc, just leave etc, etc, no mean words etc, but I just couldn't take it tonight and all the pressure I felt, so as she was reaching to give me my keys (My house keys)  I just left and shook my head and said, calmly that I can see there is no winning here.  If I go, I will always hear this from her and other things.  If I don't go, regardless of my daughters bad behavior , I might regret that, maybe for the rest of my life.   It's so bizarre

I can understand that your SO feels hurt and rejected. I can see her being upset. In her shoes, I would be too. But I wouldn't have done anything like this, or expected it from her!

This reaction sounds like the kind of dysregulation I'd be reading about if she had BPD or BPD traits. Not what a normal, healthy person would do. My original thoughts/advice for you weren't based on that. I probably wouldn't have suggested anything much different, but I would have suggested better use of the tools in your delivery.
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