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Author Topic: Long relationship, running out of gas, but would like some ideas...  (Read 865 times)
SeekingHelp2

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« on: December 28, 2016, 10:55:55 AM »

I've been with my BPD-traits wife for almost 10 years.  She is a very high functioning individual, but the emotional damage she inflicts on the people she loves is intense and I'm worried that I am done.  I have tried for years to use the tools but over the past 9 months my tank has emptied.  I was telling her very little about my life and thoughts, because everything I said eventually lead to criticism or attacks.  I realized this fall that I was leading two different lives, the smiling face that I put on when I'm with her and the real me.  Equally concerning was that I think I finally got tired of the yelling, degrading, threats to leave and silent treatment.  I literally see her as a hot stove and anytime I see a hint of those things, I shut down and walk away.  She's been threatening to leave for almost two months and any attempt I make to have a reasonable conversation, leads her saying horrific things in a matter of minutes, if not seconds, so I stop it and we make no progress.  I feel like my empathy is gone and I put minimal efforts into validation or giving any attention to the behaviors that I no longer want to tolerate.  I still smile and go about my daily activities in a cordial matter.  I also communicate that I'm not requesting a divorce, that I still hope we can make some improvements, but I don't know what those look like or what the next steps would be.  We have a young child together and a blended family.  I still find that underneath everything, I love the woman who smiles and is nice, the woman I fell in love with, but she exists less and less.  She says she hates who I am as a person and can never love me again, which are versions of what she says when she's cycling.  The problem is this time I'm not willing to dive back into the things that I typically do to get us through these things so it has dragged on.  I usually take total blame, get yelled at for awhile and then go back under the control.  It's gotten me through years and I've made progress on minimizing some of the damage, which I thought could keep me going for years, until now.  The feeling that I can't be myself with her and the absolute intolerance I feel towards any of the yelling, degrading, threats and angry silence, make me feel that there's no path forward.  I'm trying to focus on myself and responsibilities most days, but it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  I've been in counseling for 10 years and we tried couples counseling once but that was a disaster.  She wouldn't talk about any of her issues and quit when the counselor told her she needed to see someone for herself.  It also was a waste of my time because I felt re-abused in the sessions, while I pretended everything was my fault.  I know this sounds dire but I am wondering if anyone has used this as a starting point for something new and what that looked like?  Conversely, I have learned helplessness and realize that sometimes I sit in situations that I should do something about, but just let life keep moving.  As I said, I have a nice family and home.  My little one is everything but I worry about his development if we stay together and if we separate.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2016, 04:15:22 PM »

Hey SeekingHelp2, I suggest that you strive for authenticity and make it a goal to get back to the "real you."  Living a lie is exhausting, as you note.  No wonder your tank is on empty.  I don't see why you should be anyone's doormat.  Do you?  When you ask about using "this as a starting point for something new," to what are you referring?  What is the "this"?  I am uncertain what question you are posing.  If you are asking what to do, I would suggest that only you, and you alone, can determine whether to stay or go.  What sort of advice are you looking for?

LuckyJim
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2016, 10:49:04 AM »

As you walk ahead in life, if things look pretty much the same, but you feel different, it's because you're on a spiral staircase.  And that is sometimes good thing.  It means that although you might find yourself cycling back to some of the same surroundings, you are gaining wisdom - in your case mostly from within.  Spiral staircases are made to get you somewhere - not for long term living arrangements.

I really identify with what you describe as reaching a point at which you felt like you can handle it, and keep going - if that's what you're saying.  I was at the rock bottom two years ago.  Since then, I got help for me. I climbed up.  I renewed my journey of self help, self image, and self esteem.  I studied the crap out of BPD, parenting, divorce, and myself.  I reached some sort of a plateau in which I felt like I had gotten good enough to just survive the daily contact with my uBPDw.  I had dealt with all my anger, and got rid of it. I became an even better father, and husband - though my wife might disagree.  For a long time I carried on thinking I had found a situation "as good as it gets." I was ready to buckle in for the long road ahead, and just double down on my time as a dad.

I figured out recently though, that was me reaching a point of emotional numbing.  To stop the pain, you also stop the joy in a relationship.  That's what I had gone through.  I had numbed out the marriage.  I still have it numbed, but, I am seeing that for me it won't last forever - as I had previously thought.

In spite of how high you climb, and how good you get, and how healthy you become for yourself, your wife, and marriage (her part of it), can't really change.  And if it ever does, it is not something you can do for her or wait for.  So, you have some more decisions to make.  Keep climbing up and cycling back to a higher perspective of the same problem, or eventually, go out into the building and find a new surrounding. 

Good luck, and keep climbing.
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SeekingHelp2

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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2016, 11:48:45 AM »

Wow.  That's amazing advice.  I appreciate the approach to focusing on authenticity again Lucky Jim, that really seems like something worth putting my energies towards.  And reading Samwize's summary felt like my situation exactly.  I thought the same thing, that I had learned so much about myself and the having a wife with BPD-traits that I had found happiness and could navigate things but I truly was numbing myself and that's what had been happening.  Now I'm dealing with the next logical step in the numbing process and it's created more chaos and uncertainty, which I don't yet know what to do with it.  I really appreciate the feedback.  This board is great.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2016, 12:30:53 PM »

Hey SH2, Agree w/Samwize.  How can we help?  We've been down this path before you!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2016, 12:51:43 PM »

I have thought a little more on this now, and I'm glad I didn't miss your meaning.  There is something to be said for the "pause."  I've read several books about, and try to practice, mindfulness.  One principle is to pause, and allow yourself to go through the feeling of your feelings.  I realized over the summer that I had gone numb.  I had that idea put into words when I read a book by Brene Brown.  I actually considered at about that time that I had arrived at my life-ever-after.  Numb, happy by my choice, and accepting life as it is.  Most of that state of mind is good, and healthy.  Except the numb part.  That has to be a temporary setting.  I need to be numb right now to survive.  But, I want my feelings back, and I don't want to wait another decade or so (I've been married 19 years).

So I look at the last Summer and Fall as my pause.  I had time to feel happy because I chose to.  I realized my happiness and wellness is up to me.  I removed my wife from the formula for my happiness and health.  I don't know if this is where you are, or where you are going, but, I'll share it for the sake of an idea to think on.  For me, I kind of feel something inside me starting to wake up, starting to take me by the collar and shake, and say to me "OK self, it's time to start living as a whole me again."  I kind of knew I wouldn't last numb forever, but I didn't want to rush into a decision until I felt it from the inside.  You do not have to decide whether to divorce or not today, tomorrow, or on anyone else's time frame.  Now, sometimes things happen that force you to act.  She might file, might become a danger to herself or others, you might have to jump into action.  But, for now, spend time on yourself.

If You feel that your process is causing more chaos and uncertainty, maybe it's not the right time or the right move.  I should clarify that if you yourself are uncertain or in chaos - it's not right.  However, I have found that the more I do right (boundaries, self respect, speaking up for my own feelings instead of my wife projecting them and jamming them in my face) the more chaos and uncertainty it created in my wife.  Disordered persons don't like following the rules of normal respect and healthy self reliance.  So, I guess look at the source for the chaos.  Inside you = trouble.  Outside you = not your trouble.
 
These boards are a great place to dump it all out.  You might do so and discover that you are not the crazy one, and you are not alone.
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« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2016, 02:04:43 PM »

Hello again, SW2, I would add another consideration: are you depleting your physical, financial and emotional resources in your marriage to a pwBPD?  If so, it may be time to regroup.  I didn't and continued to drive myself into the ground out of a sense of loyalty to my kids, until I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  I hit bottom, which was not fun and no help to my kids.  So I would caution you about continuing on a self-destructive path, if that's your situation.  I'm a smart guy and thought that I could crack the BPD Code, yet BPD proved too complex for me.  In retrospect, I would say that my loyalty to my BPDxW was misguided.  There's nothing admirable about being the object of someone's abuse.

LuckyJim
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SeekingHelp2

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« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2016, 03:14:23 PM »

I should clarify that the chaos is coming from her.  I feel like now that I've stopped doing all the things that kept the peace (taking some abuse, accepting fault from everything) and have gotten to the point where I can't get myself to jump back into the system, it's sent her off the rails.  The attacks are so constant and intense.  It feels like I've been in a pressure cooker on high for the past 3 months.  She maintains day to day routines well, she's very high functioning, it's the emotional instability and anger that are like nothing I've ever experienced before.  I feel I hold out some hope that by trying to draw some bottom lines, it might lead to a better option going forward, but I'm worried it's just pushing us off a cliff.
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« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2016, 04:34:41 PM »

Hope you're wearing your parachute!  Be ready to pull the rip cord if you go over the cliff!  Seriously, I think you're doing the right thing by rocking the system and establishing boundaries.  Indeed, it is a pressure cooker.  Maybe it will lead to improvement or maybe you will gain clarity as to the right path for you, going forward.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored my gut, which was telling me that something was definitely wrong with my marriage.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2017, 03:28:07 PM »

Thanks again Lucky Jim!  I actually just pulled the rip chord on New Year's!  I love that analogy!  Things were getting very intense and she was causing me problems at work and with my family in addition to home.  I've been trying to stay above it all, but she was stirring pots everywhere.  I randomly hopped on a plane and flew to see a friend for the week.  I could've planned it better but I never do things like this and just needed some space to sort through everything without the constant, emotional intensity.  She's painted it as me abandoning my family, but as you said, I felt like I was at the edge of the cliff and was going over.  It's amazing how much clearer things seem when I'm out of the emotional intensity and how simple life can be.  I don't plan to leave but I feel like I have the space and calm back to go home and focus on the things I can control for now.  Thanks again for all the great advice... .
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2017, 09:46:03 PM »

I got really clear-headed and could set up and keep boundaries once I moved myself into the basement.  The space away from my wife was life-saving - I think literally.
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2017, 12:55:49 PM »

Hello, I am new here, I have been reading down through your posts, and I have seen the words "pause", ."system", and "off the rails" to name just a few. I think I reached a point of what I will call "non-compliance" this Christmas with my BPD/w. I still vividly remember last year, the fights, the pressure, the Christmas tree being taken down on Christmas eve... .eating Thanksgiving dinner at the local golden coral with my Son instead of at home with my family... .I have had enough, and I decided to "opt-out"... .and of course this unleashed rage, furry, and all sorts of degradation, and emasculations from her... .our anniversary is on New Years, and I also ignored that... .like I said, I have come to a point of understanding that things wither will never change... .and its only getting worse. I have removed myself from the marriage, I even threw my wedding band into the tree line on Christmas eve... .but then I recognized that I was being pushed into my own anger pool, so I have decided to ignore, withdraw, and to go "grey rock"... .I have had enough of this abuse, so I now reside in some form of a sarcastic, non-carrying, non-compliant mode of operation with her... .I just let her rage on, and on, and on... .and I just look at her, and say something like, "Babe", I see you are only coming at me at about 85%... .I know you can do better, don't be scared, don't hold back, push those throttles on up... .give it to me now, all of it 100%... .yes, I have reached that point where I know longer care what she says, what she does, how completely and efficiently she rages on at me... .I am numb (another word I noticed)... .yes NUMB... .I feel nothing for her, its completely dead any empathy, or love I felt towards her is burned up now... .I am surrounded by nothing but negativity, and sights and scars round the house of years of fighting, and destruction wither... .I have reached my "plateau"... .I have surfaced in the ocean of despondency... .anyone else been there... .here ?
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« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2017, 01:33:36 PM »

I have been around there for long periods.  I left there because anger destroys.

Not to get all Yoda on you, but, if she does something, and it causes you to act a certain way, you are still under her control.  Even rebellious, sarcastic responses that make it feel like you are in control still mean you are not in control.  Your anger might be necessary at this time. It might give you the gas in the tank you need to do what's next.  You can stay or go, but you need to get yourself into a better place for the long term.  Rather than think of your present state as a plateau, treat it as rock-bottom - a point you will refer to in the future as the point in which you said "no more" and climbed up from that point onward. 

True grey rock, true freedom from abuse, comes when you detach and live a happy, meaningful life in spite of anything and everything your wife / ex does.  True victory is a life well lived and after a full recovery by you at least, if not your wife also (which I add just to be fair, the odds of her healing fully are impossible).
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« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2017, 02:06:28 PM »

I hear you SamwizeGamgee... .yes, I am very angry, and beyond disappointment, .but this is nothing new for me, I went through years of abusive behaviors in my first marriage, to include serial infidelity, pretty heartless she was !... .I stayed there for my kids, now the two younger ones are in their mid twenties, and on their own, and my oldest who is special needs of course lives with me... .and he is also her target quite often... .I am tired, tired of her constant tantrums, and belittling comments, and outright rage towards me... .I know I am NOT what she says I am... .and you are right, I do draw some kind of sarcastic empowerment when I respond to her rants with rotten eggs of my own... .its like I am telling her, HA !... .that does NOT hurt anymore, this Bogie has your ZERO !... .and its NOT going to work on me anymore, you can't guilt me, you can't shame me, there is NOTHING you can say to get at me anymore... .if you say I am an inconsiderate old S-oh-B, and complete jerk, then let it be SO oh' wise woman... .LET IT BE SO !... .but I know this is not true and healthy, as she is getting a response from me anyways... .a "rise" as they say, and I know when I purposefully try to degrade her attacks, and disarm her arguments, that this only makes her want to rage harder, as she HAS GOT to make the point, even if it means the Samson Option ! ... .a real no win for either of us... .yeah, tough spot for me... .but a LEAST the begging, the bewilderment, the fear, and the salty tear groveling episodes are over with... .I cried like a baby for my first wife, but not this one... .her disguise is exposed now, and she cannot get that back now... .the "game is up" as they say... .I need to do some soul searching here, the most important thing to this (element) is to take care of myself, mind and body, so that I can provide for, protect, and care for my Son, and that's the BLUF & period... .I am old, tough and hardened, and still full of vinegar, I am a survivor, too bad I thought I had found a high mileage, like minded pretty one to spend the rest of my life with... .but looks as if she has turned out to be what they call round here... .a "fish wife"... .almost time to go home now, wonder what she has in store for me tonight... .not supper, kisses, or a warm fire and a tall glass of wine, that's for sure... ."talk to me Yoda!"
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2017, 05:45:56 PM »

Keep on going!
I recall going through a phase where I could call out my wife's behavior as it went along.  I could call it like a radio announcer.  Now she's projecting, oops, here's blame again.  Now she's turning the argument on me.  ... .once I saw the relationship dynamic for what it was, it turned into the great and powerful Oz behind a pitiful curtain surrounded my manipulation tricks that didn't work anymore.  I think I used to love her, but, I got to agree with what I heard once, that anger and hate are not the opposite of love.  Apathy is the opposite.

Fear didn't work on me after I reached a certain awareness, so, she toned down the anger.  Guilt stopped working as I came to my own self.  As I detached button after button, I became more free, more calm than ever before.

I'm not done in my progress towards the better me, but, letting go of anger freed me up quite a bit. I think you might find something similar.

Keep on moving!
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« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2017, 05:49:54 PM »

Also. There's not much threat in a caged animal that is roaring, gnashing, clawing itself into a frenzy to no effect on the cage.
It's the hungry calm lion with sharp claws and eyes locked on the door that's a real threat.  Once you're calm, you've tapped your true energy.
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« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2017, 09:43:00 AM »

Excerpt
As I detached button after button, I became more free, more calm than ever before.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Right, the essence of freedom is personal choice, and if one detaches from the F-O-G, rage, suicide threats, destruction of property, drama, and physical and emotional abuse, then one is free to pursue happiness and strive for authenticity again, which fosters calmness, as you note.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #17 on: January 09, 2017, 02:29:42 PM »

Wow.  This is powerful stuff.  I thought i had become detached and happy, but realized last year I was just letting some things go, but not living with freedom.  Where as before, the threats, F-O-G, anger, degradation, etc. had made me self-hate, I've found a level of anger that startled me.  Not the kind of anger where I want to hurt anyone, but just general anger towards everything.  I'm shorter with strangers, in traffic, with my kids, at work... .I even went back to my church this weekend and was upset at the church.  It worries me because it's never been who I am, but it suddenly feels like my core.  I'm trying to figure out the next steps to detach, find happiness and have personal freedom, but it's hard because with our history and kids, leaving still isn't something I want to do, so I worry about finding it in the relationship.  It's hard to be at peace and make your own choices when every action comes with such a horrible response.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #18 on: January 09, 2017, 03:35:11 PM »

With your permission, I'd like to try on my psychology hat.
Anger is a secondary emotion.  It comes after something else.  It is a connection that you have made on some level to a primary emotion.  I am concerned with your description of anger towards strangers and especially your kids.  Unfortunately, emotions may submerge and might reemerge as something else much later. 
Maybe look for what can drive your anger, is there unhappiness, an old hurt, a bit of guilt or shame hidden somewhere, too much "bottling it up?" Something.  For me, a couple of years ago, I was angry on a low-grade level - a lot.  But, I had unwittingly been cornered into a sexless, emotionally abusive, marriage and I didn't see a way out, or a cure.  Those feelings got pushed deep and came out as anger. 
I found several paths that help me deal with the core problems (hopelessness in marriage) and also defuse the anger. 
I'm not cured, but, being aware of causes and effects for my anger.  It helps when you find your triggers and cut them off.  One feels more in control.
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« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2017, 04:13:11 PM »

Hey SH2, I used to say that being in a BPD marriage "lowered my boiling point."  Like you, I found myself angry and impatient at any perceived slight, particularly at any hint of persecution from my spouse.  I became a stranger to myself, someone at odds with who I am deep down.  I attribute it to the high stress level in a BPD marriage over an extended period (16 years).  It takes a toll on one's reserves and patience.  Suggest you consciously allow yourself opportunities to recharge your batteries.  I stayed longer that was healthy because I felt I owed it to my kids, but in the process I drained myself emotionally, physically and financially until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, at which point I was no help to anyone.  Now I'm divorced and back on my path.  I have ongoing challenges, but welcome them as part of becoming my authentic self again.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #20 on: January 10, 2017, 09:34:13 AM »

I appreciate the insight.  I definitely carry the anger based on the hopeless marriage and all of the emotional and verbal abuse.  My wife doesn't respect boundaries when she is upset so I end up having to smile through a lot of abuse, to keep things moving forward and not engage in the crazy.  I try to limit the abuse I take, but things get worse when she is distraught, so I have taken on a lot not only recently, but just over the years together.  The constant attacks leave me wound tighter and it's harder in the real world to then not have things hit the same emotional spots.  Things hurt more, I'm more irritated and less tolerant in my head.  I use the same skills in my day to day life as I use at home, but it's like my soul is just turning darker, angrier and more cynical.  I just want to be myself but I'm losing track of what that really looks like.  She's not started causing me problems at work, which makes me feel like every part of my day is under the watch and stress of her.  I realize I'm at a point that I need to do something differently.  She forcefully says she wants a divorce daily, yet doesn't do anything to actually do it, not that I think she's bluffing entirely, I know when she's hurt, it's how she really feels. I'm just not sure how to maintain my self in this all and I've been doing it for 8 years.  Like I said earlier in this post, it feels like you try different things throughout the process, but they only work for so long.  I think I'm maintaining things and then find out I'm not.  It's like living in a war zone where every day your under attack, but not sure where and when the attack will come.  It's really rough.
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« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2017, 01:02:42 PM »

Hey Seeking,

The anger is probably a natural reaction to being severely and chronically invalidated. You are trying to get your own attention!

Not feeling free to be yourself with loved ones is intensely aggravating, and can lead to self-invalidation. If your family of origin was invalidating, then this is likely some pretty old, deep anger here, and it's building.

What might happen if you held up your hand when your wife started to blow, and just said, "Stop." Nothing else, just that.

What might happen if you told her that you won't be yelled at anymore, and that when it happens, you will give yourself a time out? Could you walk away, go out and do something you enjoy?

This is a way to have boundaries without relying on her compliance (she lacks the ability to see the relationship through your eyes, so empathy + compliance is not likely) and showing yourself that even if she does not care about your limits, you do.




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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #22 on: January 10, 2017, 01:14:26 PM »

@sh2 - if she's threatening divorce every time there's a problem, and even when it's just one she makes up, it's not a place you can stay, and not a marriage you can save.  Get a lawyer and a therapist and start looking at concrete plans for your future.  A woman scorned hath no fury like a BPD woman scorned.  At least get the facts and a contingency plan in place for divorce or fake DV accusations.
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ElinorD
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« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2017, 10:57:21 AM »

Isn't it pretty normal to experience anger for a while after you've been mistreated and you've come to realize it and you're not willing to smooth it over any longer? I've read things to that effect - that it's a normal stage. I feel like I'm somewhat in that stage, finally angry at how my uBPDh treats me and the kids instead of making excuses and trying to fix his moods. But I know right now I have lost my compassion for him, and I'm afraid I'm too far gone to get it back. It remains to be seen if this is a stage for me on the way to becoming healthy or if it's the beginning of the end of our marriage. 
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #24 on: January 17, 2017, 08:42:30 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) ElinorD - It sounds like a normal progression to me.  I found myself in the pit of despair a while ago.  I was angry and didn't value the good things in my life.  I moved along, feeling better as I learned to express my feelings, and accept my needs (areas that needed to be addressed for me).  I felt ambivalence towards my wife and marriage in general.  I wanted her and didn't want her.  Loved her and didn't love her.  I saw many good traits in her.  Now, not so much.  I see the good in her, but, I am a seasoned observer to know that under the surface there are all the bad things still.  I too am concerned that I have, as you said, lost my compassion for my wife.  So be it, I say.

I got a hold of my anger that stemmed from depression, and got rid of that.  I still have some anger that comes from a sense of injustice - it is wrong that I have been treated the way I have been for so long, and denied who I am.  I am partly responsible for that, and I accept that.  However, there is a residue of "good anger" I think that I need off and on to fuel me as I keep trying to progress.  It's like a survival instinct.  On some level, I know I need to survive and escape, so, I have a reserve of anger for the fight.  I don't dwell on it, and it doesn't decide things, but it's there.  On a day to day basis, I focus on good things and feel peace.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2017, 09:16:39 AM »

The anger makes a lot of sense -- it's a normal response to an emotional injury.

Feeling dismissed or unseen is a type of emotional separation. She is perpetually projecting onto you her own feelings of separation, times a thousand because her decibels are pathologically extreme.

For you, there may be similar feelings, more muted but connected to a similar sense of emotional loneliness. Anger and rage are supposed to be adaptive reactions to feelings of abandonment, giving us momentum to change unhealthy emotional situations. Except, for her, she is stuck in them, and lacks the skills (and sense of self?) to channel this anger constructively.

Whereas for you, the feelings you are getting in touch with around your own emotional loneliness have  momentum. They present you with choices and you have skills to act on those choices.

I know for me that my feelings were deeply buried under caretaking activities, always focused on my ex. Part of getting healthy was identifying the anger, and then the more painful feelings driving that anger. The stuff underneath can be very intense! Experiencing those feelings nearly led me to have a nervous breakdown, but fortunately I knew an old-school psychiatrist who reframed it as a breakthrough. He talked about how I had delicately created the conditions for my ego to stand down and allow some of the pain and hurt that my "real" self felt as a child, and to trust that the new scaffold would be much stronger than the previous one, even though it might hurt to go through all that uncertainty and doubt.

Who knows if that's exactly what happened, but I bought it  Smiling (click to insert in post)

To connect this back to you, maybe this balance between anger and not caring is an important step to propel you toward something coming up around the corner.

Eventually, you realize that you aren't dependent emotionally on someone else to be your real self, you can experience that independent of them. You can soothe yourself, take care of yourself, all the things that fuel this healing fantasy we have for a loved one (starting with a parent, probably).

It seems to me that you are taking your time to work through all of this, and not making rash decisions.

Of course, none of this will change the fact she is BPD, but it will change you, and that will affect how much you need or want from her.




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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2017, 09:29:34 AM »

Excerpt
I just want to be myself but I'm losing track of what that really looks like.

Hey SH2, It's easy to lose oneself in the throes of a BPD r/s.  I forgot who I was for a while there, where was not fun, believe me.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW and, looking back, I would say that I was living a lie.

Excerpt
The constant attacks leave me wound tighter and it's harder in the real world to then not have things hit the same emotional spots.  Things hurt more, I'm more irritated and less tolerant in my head.  I use the same skills in my day to day life as I use at home, but it's like my soul is just turning darker, angrier and more cynical.

Right.  I used to say that my BPD marriage lowered my boiling point.  I became less patient, less kind and quicker to anger, which was atypical for me.

Excerpt
It's like living in a war zone where every day your under attack, but not sure where and when the attack will come.  It's really rough.

That's a good description of what it's like walking on eggshells, or as I used to say, walking through a daily minefield.  The hard part is that the triggers are constantly shifting, so one never knows what will set off a conflagration.

You have a lot of self-awareness, so hang in there.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim
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