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Author Topic: uBPDw has moved out but I still love her and want "us"  (Read 384 times)
michel71
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« on: December 29, 2016, 08:14:59 AM »

Hi all. I have been posting on the detaching board for awhile now pretty much of the mindset that my relationship was going to be over. I am starting to feel differently.

I love my uBPDw with all my heart. She was "the one" I thought... .all my hopes and dreams, the righting of all wrongs of the past, the end of suffering, my present and certainly my future.

IT is the typical story like most of us on this site. Starts out with a bang, intense emotions, incredible intimacy, crazy in love, a high like no other and then the poop hits the proverbial fan. We are devalued and painted black. The rollercoaster starts and with all the ups and downs we are dying for stability. At some point we are ready to throw ourselves off the roller coaster while it is still in motion.

I was ready to do that. At some points in my terrible relationship I really wanted to die. Eventually I came to terms with the reality that I just can't live with or have peace with my uBPDw and her daughter.

You can read the backstory in some of my posts but in a nutshell we argued constantly about two subjects: her daughter and money. As for her daughter, a sweet little girl but with some emotional issues that translated into some pretty disturbing habits. My uBPDw refused to acknowledge that there was anything wrong for quite sometime and got hostile when I pointed certain behaviors out, insisting that I was calling her a bad parent or being mean to her daughter. It wasn't until the issues became glaring... .mostly hygiene and "forgetting" and "zoning out" periods that my uBPDw finally woke up. The poor girl could never remember to do a chore to save her life. If I had to describe her basic personality it would be "stoned" like she had been smoking weed or something. Spacey. As much as I tried to help her put strategies in place like using charts to remember things, working with her to implement ways of doing things that felt easier for her, i.e. "instead of carrying your clothes downstairs to the laundry, dropping them on the way, how about a basket?"... .this would get undone by my spouse. My spouse was depressed for awhile and then eventually working so I had to handle most everything, even concerning her daughter. She would tell me off in front of her kid and undermine my authority. It was a no win.

My uBPDw and I were also never on the same page about money. I began to think I was being taken advantage of. She promised when she got here that she would get a job ( she was from the UK) but when she did she became depressed. Then she refused to get help. Then the problems started with her rages and verbal abuse. MOney got tight without another income. I had spent most of my savings on sustaining the long distance relationship and the visa process. I needed her to work. She said she was willing but was very picky about what she would and would not take. Over a year of unemployment. Eventually she found an temporary job lasting about 7 months getting a good sum of money. I saw only $300 of it. She insisted that she had to save it... .in her savings. I didn't agree of course and this caused lots of conflict. It was still all on me and we were financially sinking.
Eventually she got a salaried job. She contributed but not as much as I had hoped and refused to be completely transparent about her money or work with me on a budget.

Life became unbearable. Constant arguments. The kid was driving me nuts. I began to stay super busy to stay out of the house. I felt like a fool in my own home. A servant and an ATM. We decided that it was better to live separately. Seh also wanted this to have her "own" space. She never liked my house anyway.

She moved out yesterday. In the several weeks leading up to this we were getting along pretty well. She even would talk about us working things out while living separately, something that I was dubious about but became more open to as time went on. The night before I was to leave town to spend Christmas with my daughter ( my wife told me that she did not want to spend Christmas with me) I accidentally left my computer on and she read my emails. Some of which were about her and her daughter where I was venting to a friend and using some pretty harsh words.

My wife is now done with the idea of working on things. I think so anyway. She is hurt, furious and wants some space for awhile to process everything. We didn't talk particulars when I was out of town. Eventually we will. I have no idea if she is really done or maybe just wants to punish me or re-adjust the power balance. I am bracing myself.

As for me, I want so desperately the woman that I fell in love with to come back. I want the relationship that I thought I was going to have. I can't imagine my life without her. I feel like I have a major problem myself for wanting her so much in spite of all of the destruction. I am co-dependent. I have low self esteem obviously. Yet there are moments of strength where I feel like... ."hell to the no... .I deserve better". Then, like now, there are moments when I would do anything to be with her. I have FOO issues. Mother was a narcissist. I was always trying to get her unconditional love. She was emotionally abusive.

You can see for yourself the back and forths in my posts. Sometimes I am strong and indignant. Other times I am weak and desperate.

All I know is I feel so sad and awful now. I love her. I want her back.



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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2016, 04:05:30 PM »

Excerpt
As for me, I want so desperately the woman that I fell in love with to come back. I want the relationship that I thought I was going to have.

Hey Michel71, Sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Sad to say, the woman you fell in love with was an illusion, in my view.  That person doesn't exist and isn't coming back.  Same for the r/s you hoped to have.  It was never built to last.  These are harsh realities that you may find hard to accept.  Suggest you try to focus on what your r/s was actually like, day to day, rather than on what you may have hoped it would be.  I understand that you may want to hang on to the dream for a while longer.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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ynwa
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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2016, 04:49:19 PM »

Michel, I read your posts and feel your honesty.

Right now you need to detach. Maybe you will actually be better off being able to be your own person again?  
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Me-Time

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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2016, 05:42:30 AM »

Oh, Michel, I feel your pain. I really do. My uBPDsoontobexw and I broke it off once. I called everything off, moved back to my home state where my family is, and got my own place. She stayed where we were. That lasted for two months and she suffered a near nervous breakdown. Begged me to get back together, she was falling to pieces and couldn't go on. I gave in, couldn't bear to see her falling apart and struggling (and also I missed her terribly and wanted my life back with her), so she moved to me. That was 5 months ago and it was good for a little while. There were signs but I just wanted to believe we could work them out this time (her mantra "if you could only do what I need you to do when I get like this" kept echoing through my mind). And I was determined to do as much as I could do, that she asked me to, so I would feel like I really had given it my all if it all one day fell apart. But the more I tried (nicely, calmly) to help her through her rampages, the more she'd push back and berate me, tell me how I "just don't get it", etc... .and the big arguments started again. She wouldn't let me try methods we even discussed (like me clearly stating I needed to leave the room, I would return in 15 minutes, etc). She, herself, never did anything different to help the arguments or help soothe herself, though she kept telling me how much she was trying. So the cycle continued. On her good days she was great and it's what kept me hopeful for a good future with her. So when the pressure was put on to marry her (with BPD, there's constant push for more closeness), though I knew in my heart it wasn't the right thing to do (for so many reasons), I married her. That was this past September. And, in true BPD fashion, the closer she got to me - and marriage is the ultimate - the more the closeness scared her and she began acting out more. The arguments became more frequent, we both became resentful, she was constantly agitated and picking at me, finding any number of things wrong with what she perceived I was doing or thinking, she cried every day, there was no joy in our home. It was terrible. And I, in my mind, waivered between trying to keep it going and just getting the hell out of there. I kept asking myself, is this how I want to live the rest of my life? And other times I truly believed it would all work out. That, in her words, she'd learn to trust over time and all of the "insecurity" would just stop one day (if I did all the right things). Well, one day while I was at work, she texted me and asked if I could home at lunch to talk. It seemed serious, so I came home... .and she asked if I was unhappy, honestly. I told her that I was and she said she was too. It seemed like such an adult conversation and we talked and cried together and decided that we would get divorced and part. I should have known then that it was too easy, that that wasn't how someone with BPD could put closure to a relationship. As it turns out, she had been in contact with an ex of hers who she says "was waiting two years for her to return". Yes, she was brutally honest with me and told me a few days later that she had reconnected with this woman "for financial reasons", that she needed somewhere to go. This woman was going to help pay her bills (my ex had been out of work since moving back to live with me) and it was "the only option she had". Later on she told me she "never should have left her". And she was surprised when I did not react favorably. Come to find out, she had reconnected with this woman before that day she approached me about us not being happy. And that is what prompted what I thought was an adult conversation about ending a relationship. So here we are, now. Both broke, I can't afford the apartment we rented together and will have to move and break the lease, we filed for divorce but have to wait a few months for a court date (and will have to see each other), it is an absolute nightmare separating our finances (what little there are), we are both angry, it's just plain ugly. I'm staying with my family, which I'm grateful for and she's been staying with the other woman while she packs at our place and will finally be out of the apartment this Saturday.

That was a lot longer than I intended it to be, but the point I wanted to illustrate is that the woman you fell in love with does not come back, as you can see. I thought the exact same thing and it's what I kept me trying so hard and going back to the relationship after things would repeatedly fall apart. To this day, this is probably what hurts the most. I look back on how wonderful things were in the very beginning. She was my angel. Our beginning could not have been more magical. I miss her. I thought I had finally found true love. But that would never have returned (and I don't mean the honeymoon phase, because that's just typical of any relationship - that fades, of course). That person I met was not the real her. It breaks my heart and feels like someone died. It's pretty much the same - it's like mourning the death of a loved one. The important thing to do, as has been mentioned here, is to focus on you. While you are grieving, your mind will return to all sorts of memories, but the more you can focus on you, the less of a hold those memories will have on you. It really does start to fade over time. I felt it fading the first time we broke up, but I got back involved. And nothing changed. It only got worse. Stay strong and put the focus on you so you can heal and grow.
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michel71
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2016, 04:43:16 PM »

Thank you again for all your comments. I really appreciate the insight and support.

YNWA... .Yes I think detachment is in order. Being my own person again is vital. I am looking forward to that. It helps that I am reclaiming my home. Doing some changes. New carpeting/flooring. Out with a lot of the old stuff... .dishes etc. That helps too. I don't need visual clues of "us". Makes me sad.

Lucky Jim... .I always love your comments to everybody's posts. You have a lot of insight. You spoke the truth and it hurts. I read that the true representation of the relationship is not what was but what has been transpiring over time. And that has been a lot of POOP.

Me-Time... .our situation is the same, time frame- wise especially. It is interesting how there are several of us embarking on a new beginning for 2017 in terms of physically separating. Thank you for sharing your stories. I don't mind long emails AT ALL. I actually enjoy them. You have a lot of insight as well and thank you for the words of encouragement especially since you are going through it yourself. You are very strong. I wish you all the best as you too are suffering now. I wish I had fantastic words of wisdom for you. I am not at my best though. Can't seem to see the forest for the trees right now.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2017, 11:02:10 AM »

Hey michel71, You're making progress, my friend.

Excerpt
Yes I think detachment is in order. Being my own person again is vital. I am looking forward to that.

Totally agree.  It's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s and critical for you to return to your authentic self.

Sorry if I was too direct in my last post, Michel, though sometimes I think it's useful to hear things put in simple terms.  I appreciate your compliment and am happy if my comments help others to find their way.

Here's to new beginnings in 2017,
LuckyJim

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
michel71
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« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2017, 05:01:31 PM »

It has been 4 nights and 5 days at home without my uBPDw. The peace and tranquility I feel is off the charts and dwarf any sadness that I have. I am blissfully relaxed. I don't feel lonely. I sure as hell don't miss the arguments and tension.

I don't know where "us" stands. I think the more time passes and I am healing from just the sheer daily stress that was my life for over 2 and a half years, the more things will get clearer.

For now I am enjoying the moment. Living in the present. I am not pining for my uBPDw. I am taking care of me. We haven't yet talked about particulars. She wants to give it a few weeks since she is trying to get settled in her new place. Fine with me.
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Me-Time

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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2017, 06:06:41 PM »

My first night back in the house without my uBPDw. She moved out Saturday. I can see her everywhere but I'm trying hard to be ok. I got my cats back (she made me give them up - told me she had a severe allergy that I know now she does not have) and I'm overjoyed to have my babies back. I don't miss the attention that she needed, and at the same time, I miss the attention she needed. It's such a loss. I de-Christmased the house (imagine taking down the Christmas tree that she left after taking her ornaments off and then having to throw the tree out that we previously happily decorated together). I know it will get better. Trying to focus on me. And getting my life together.

Michel71, you sound good. I'm happy to hear that. I'm here for support if you need it at any time Smiling (click to insert in post)
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michel71
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« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2017, 06:20:30 PM »

Thanks Me-Time. I know it is hard Really is. And the christmas thing. I still have my tree up but I decorated it. It does have a few of our ornaments including one that has our picture in it. That didn't matter at all to my uBPDw who could care less about Christmas this year or the ornament of us.

I am glad you got your cats back! Animals are great!

Stay strong. Heal. Relax.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2017, 09:31:23 AM »

Excerpt
The peace and tranquility I feel is off the charts and dwarf any sadness that I have. I am blissfully relaxed. I don't feel lonely. I sure as hell don't miss the arguments and tension. 

Like what you're saying there, Michel.  I recall being so relieved when I could return home at night without the expectation of a confrontation.  After years of drama, I enjoyed being boring!

Excerpt
For now I am enjoying the moment. Living in the present. I am not pining for my uBPDw. I am taking care of me.

Right.  Maybe yourself the priority for a change!

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
michel71
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« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2017, 11:26:21 PM »

Thanks LuckyJim. I am making myself a priority yet I need to have that talk about divorce/separation and I want to do it in a therapy session to have a third person present. If you have been keeping up with my posts she wants to see a therapist again to see where our relationship can go. Although she is no longer wearing her wedding band because it was blessed and our marriage isn't good. I think, what about " in sickness and in health". She is just doing it to punish me.

So I don't know where our relationship can go but I want community property to stop and be done with the financial entanglement as soon as possible.

Besides getting myself back that is my #1 goal.
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michel71
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« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2017, 09:05:38 PM »

Having a pretty down day today. Thought about the loss of a dream. Finding myself studying others that have wedding bands on and imagining them having happy marriages, going home to their adoring spouses tonight. That was supposed to be me. Instead I go home alone. Then to make matters even more dismal I run across our honeymoon pics where we look so happy. My eyes are bright. I look significantly younger. When I look at myself in the mirror now I look haggard. Dark circles under my lackluster eyes.
Yes my house is peaceful and comforting. The negative energy has been replaced with tranquility. And I am grateful for that. But my heart is hurting tonight.
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ynwa
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« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2017, 11:15:29 PM »

Hey Michel,

I'm going to nudge ya here a bit.  You have no idea what someone else's problems are. None.  Right now, even while you are reading this, get ice cream, a candy bar, something good and eat it.  You are tired and stressed.

Now while you are chewing, close your eyes.  Count how many times you chew each bite. Think how many times you have eaten food, and never really thought about how many chews per bite.  Sounds stupid.

Michel, you are simply letting your feelings overwhelm you. You have gotten used to feeling that way. Me too.  I go through it everyday.  Its going to take time, so be patient with yourself, you will get through this. 

P.s.  Pizza is my choice for mindful eating
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Me-Time

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« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2017, 05:22:43 AM »

Michel, I understand soo much how this feels. And Ynwa, that was great advice. This is one of the most overwhelming thoughts for me - the loss of what I thought I had. I think about how this seemed like the most magical relationship I ever had, it was so wonderful in the beginning. I had dreams for a healthy, happy, long life with this person. I too look back on pictures. And it was only a year and a half, but I looked vibrant and cheerful back then. Now I have more gray hair than ever, my skin is dull, I've gained weight, and I'm just plain dragged down.

This is a loss like any other loss. We must grieve. It's normal to grieve and it's part of the whole process or we just won't get better. My house is quiet too (despite her numerous attempts to recycle me and vicious text attacks when I don't cave to her demands - it's been quite ugly the past week). I look forward to when I can go NC. But there's a peace in my home and in my soul. I have sad nights and happy nights. And happy nights with sad moments... .and everything in between.

I'm sorry your heart is hurting. It will get better. It absolutely will get better.

On a side note, I'm reading (again) The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I highly recommend it - it's all about you. I think you could use that right now.
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