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Author Topic: All that is good about being a child of a BPD  (Read 2017 times)
HappyChappy
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« on: December 29, 2016, 09:04:58 AM »

We talk at length about the issues and problems of being brought up by a BPD. As so we should. But every cloud has a silver lining, a point I only began to realise once my recovery had kicked in.  But I can't be alone, so what has been your silver lining ? I’ll start:

As evil as my BPD mother was (she was sadistic) she was a charmer. They say the devil is charismatic. She taught me how to be persuasive, and she made me work hard to persuade. I have found this very useful.

Also seeing how giving, helpful and selfless the children of BPD are, as demonstrated by this forum, makes me proud of who I am. We tend to know how to people please better than anyone. And that has plenty of value, in customer facing jobs in caring jobs (e.g. Health etc... .).

I also formed a sense of humour as a coping mechanism. It is one of the few things my BPD did not take away from me, as she didn't understand it (she has zero sense of humour). A really good coping mechanism as the ability to laugh at any point (even when the men in white are taking you away) is valuable (made some money out of it also).

So what have been your silver linings ?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2016, 09:25:21 AM »

I learned that what is labeled reality is never a fact, more liken to a fluid illusion.

No One person is ever "right." Oftentimes what may appear "wrong" may have validity worth consideration.

Most persons who are interesting, may also be thought of as crazy.

I have learned to be sensitive to the affect and nuances of others like a 6th sense.  I can connect with persons on a more intimate level because of this sharpened skill.

I have learned to question what is truth to the point of looking beyond what people want me to see... .looking beyond what others see... .Realizing there is more to things that the limits of my vision.

 I am a critical thinker in every way... . I think for myself and question and learn for myself.  I rely on my method of curiosity and questioning for learning, not idly waiting for knowlege to find me.

I have learned to be responsible for many things.  When things go wrong, I search inward, knowing my attempts to change the external are often fruitless.

I find great meaning in how I connect.  Even when it appears I am not.  There is meaning in silence.  There is often no need to connect.  Being alone can have great benefits to the self and others alike.  

We all have ourselves to deal with.
Of which we make of that what we may.



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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2016, 03:34:52 PM »

I learned that contributing brings a sense of pride.

My parents were in the era of the wife staying home. My mother was a housewife like the mothers of my friends. Yet she didn't do the things these mothers did. I'm not sure exactly what she did when we were in school, but she didn't do home maker things. Now, I am not one to delegate these things to women only, but they need to be done somehow in a family, and also feel that contributing to the family in some ways is a source of self esteem. Whether it is bringing home a paycheck, raising the kids, making sure the home is running, helping out in the community, are all tasks that bring with them a sense of achievement.

Because my mother wasn't expected to or didn't do these things, she didn't have the chance to feel as if she contributed or accomplished anything.

I recall in college going shopping for nice clothes for a job interview. Although my parents could afford to help me more in college, my mother controlled how much money my father could give me. I didn't have much money in college and I also worked. It was a big deal to me to go out and purchase something nice like this as I mostly wore casual things. I recall a sense of pride in buying a nice outfit with my own earnings and realizing my mother had a whole closet of even nicer things. She could buy whatever she wanted, without having to do anything for them. Although I might have been envious, I felt sorry for her. She wouldn't know the pride I had in being self sufficient.

My mother is one of the most chronically unhappy people I know. Although my father wanted to help make her situation as easy and comfortable for her, I think her not having the satisfaction of a job well done contributed to her unhappiness. I recognize that for her, BPD is debilitating. Maybe she couldn't work or do these things, but I think she would have been happier if she did even some of them.
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MoreGuilt

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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2016, 08:52:21 AM »

Humor-  It's hard not to laugh when you parents are batsh*t crazy!  As soon as I stopped feeling responsible for stopping the craziness I could see the humor in it.

Perspective- When you think people (or you) are going to die at any time, little stuff is easier to see as little stuff.

Resilience-  I survived that!

Pride in Myself-  I know I basically raised myself and I think I turned out pretty good, considering, and I give myself credit.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 03:09:07 PM »

Being alone can have great benefits to the self and others alike.
Hey Sunfl0wer,  very philosophical.  If I remember right, you’re also a talented artist, was that a helpful coping mechanism growing up and hence something good ?
I learned that contributing brings a sense of pride... .I'm not sure exactly what she did when we were in school, but she didn't do home maker things.
My mother also worked hard at not doing anything. She told us her hands were allergic to water (a lie) so I was washing dishes from as early as I can remember.  When she cooked for us, she’d put stuff under the grill and then watch TV until she smelt burning. She took our cloths out of the dirty laundry and insisted we wore them for a week, or they'd become threadbare. The funny thing was, I only twigged what she was doing, when I learn't about BPD. But you make a good point NotWendy we are happier than our lazy mothers ever where. That's an achievement. Can you think of anything else your mom did to avoid work ?
Pride in Myself-  I know I basically raised myself and I think I turned out pretty good, considering, and I give myself credit.
I love that quote. So true. So when you give yourself credit, do you lend yourself money, because I can see a flaw in that. Just out of interest, why did you chose a hamster as an avatar ?
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catlady6

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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2017, 03:42:21 PM »

i learned that I had to be "perfect" at school, but really that helped me stay focused on one good thing in my life and drove me to apply for college. got into a college with scholarships and minimal loans, and i graduated at the top of my class while volunteering and working a job. (and dealing with my BPD mom who insisted I go home every month... .)

i guess also my mother's psychotic obsession with me practicing/playing guitar and singing for her on command helped me in the long run too, since I now work in the music industry/will be transitioning to a music career.
i also rarely mess up since i internalized early on that mistakes would earn me hours upon hours of raging and belittlement.

i'm pretty good at seeming composed, too, since any show of negative emotion would be a nightmare. i'm a good actress because of this. maybe that could help me someday, if i were to try theater or something.

i'm great at sensing what people are feeling. and at diffusing situations. i was always the one who had to calm my mom down when she raged. although idk if that's "good" to know how to do. maybe if i had not, she would have gotten help from a professional instead of me. hindsight is 20/20 though.

i also had to develop skills at makeup and always look "perfect". I'm so good at makeup application that I've served as a makeup artist for several theater productions. so that's kindof good.

... .these are kinda depressing  not sure if that's what you were going for with the thread. but i can appreciate how all of these things have come together to help me gain skills that i maybe would not have if i had had a "normal" family situation.

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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2017, 04:15:26 PM »

Excerpt
Hey Sunfl0wer,  very philosophical.  If I remember right, you’re also a talented artist, was that a helpful coping mechanism growing up and hence something good ?
Likely you got me confused with another, I'm no artist.
In regards to being alone and coping mechanisms... .
I suppose I am glad that I can be alone and at peace with that, not always, but sometimes I can.  I was mute as a child... .I spent a lot of time alone... .during this time, I spent it reflecting and observing and listening intently to my surroundings.   
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2017, 06:28:24 PM »

Happy Chappy-  We had hamsters when I was little. Since I am here reflecting on my childhood, he sort of jumped out at me.  Reminds me of one of my old friends  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mister Watson

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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2017, 07:09:55 PM »

I don't suppose I ever gave it as much thought as I would have liked, that there was, most definitely, some good that came out of my time spent with my BPD parent.

My writing never would have grown the way it has if I hadn't gone through such experiences with my mother. I take pride in the fact that my imagination is vivid, and clear as can be. I suppose I used this as a way to relax even in the most stressful of situations, to turn to a world entirely of my own, and be happy.

I believe I can handle massive amounts of stress because of this experience as well. I understand not everyone goes through what we do, but I am happy in knowing that the negativity does not bring us down, but rather, helps us grow as a person.

The last thing I can think of, I suppose, is my sense of humor.
I always find a way to make myself, and others, laugh, usually when I am alone, and doing whatever it is that I wish.
Funny fail videos can really do wonders Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you, for posting this on the forum! It feels nice to know that all that came from my time with my BPD parent wasn't negative!
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2017, 10:42:20 PM »

Great post!

I believe because of my mother I am strong and independent. I have learned to do things without help.

I am not a selfish person. I put others above myself a lot. I dont feel entitled to anything. I think I see the world differently because of that.

I am a better mom than she was. I understand the damage words can do and I encourage and love my children in all they do. I could not bare to hurt one of them on purpose. She taught me what love wasn't. I am very conciouse of my effect on others.

I am highly in tuned to my surroundings and others. I can assess my surroundings in 10 seconds and tell you things you may never have noticed.

I have this crazy gift of knowing what will happen with events,  people, relationships etc. Not psychic, but it freaks my husband out. I see 10 steps ahead of most people
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2017, 12:43:53 AM »

My writing never would have grown the way it has if I hadn't gone through such experiences with my mother. I take pride in the fact that my imagination is vivid, and clear as can be. I suppose I used this as a way to relax... .

Did you know that Lewis Carroll's mother was considered to have BPD ? I've seen a few lengthy articles highlighting how Alice in Wonderland illustrates a range of BPD behaviour. I also found the arts very soothing.

Your point about  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) being able to take on a lot of stress, I also have this, but the flip side is that I sometimes I have probably endured stressful situations longer than I should. Has that been an issue for you ?

I believe because of my mother I am strong and independent. I have learned to do things without help... .I am not a selfish person. I put others above myself a lot. I dont feel entitled to anything. 
That's a good list Joy6. Your ability to predict ahead, what attributes do you think help you do this, because I have also found I was often in the told you so position, wondering why others couldn't see the problem coming.
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2017, 04:24:17 AM »

Happy Chappy,

My mother has a knack of manipulating people to do things for her. It fills a strange need. So she avoids work this way, but I don't think it is about the work so much as having people take care of her in a sense. In fact, this is one reason I began to set boundaries between her and my kids once they got older- they reached an age where they were useful to her in this sense. The kids are good hearted kids, and I think it is a good thing for kids to help their grandparents- but not to be narcissistic supply. Visits consisted of her giving me tasks and errands- and then micromanaging me. She tried to do this with the kids. I said "Mom, the kids are playing- let me do that" and her reply was "No, I want the kids to do this".  It wasn't about the task at hand- but having them do things for her.

One of the mysteries we wondered was what did our mother do all day while we were in school? This was the era of women being housewives, so she wasn't expected to work, but neither did she do the things we saw our friends' mothers do either. Household help did the cleaning. She didn't do dishes " I don't want to ruin my nails". As we got older- she delegated tasks to us- picking up groceries, sewing, household tasks.  

The cooking- yes I would come home to find raw chicken in a pan, with the stove off, not cooking. Dad took us out to eat a lot. For most families, it seemed going out to eat was a special treat, but I hated it since we didn't have home cooked meals. I thought that my friends' homes were amazing and if I was invited to dinner by their mom- that was a special treat for me.  

A hard thing for me was to see that my mother seemingly did nothing, yet, she got the larger part of the resources- money to buy what she wanted, and her wishes ruled the house. Whatever she did- rage, trash the house, had no consequences. On the other hand it seemed I worked for attention and resources, and mistakes were unforgivable. If I said or did anything that resulted in her being upset, it was treated as if I had committed a crime. I did some teen antics- probably most teens do- but in general, I was a really good kid. Yet, I could be painted black in an instant for a small transgression. She could do things I thought were not acceptable- and not be accountable for them.



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« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2017, 02:47:21 PM »

The N/BPD in my life is my SIL.  My family has very soft boundaries.  I see this in myself, in my parents, and even in my extended family.  We've all had to contend with her --from me, my parents, to even aunts, uncles and cousins.  My family has always tended to be very generous, forgiving, and slow to anger.  We also dislike conflict.  There has always been very little contention among my close and extended family.

Since she's been in the family:
-I've learned to define and articulate my boundaries better, if even for just myself.
-I'm less scared of conflict and difficult conversations with other people. 
-Dealing with her has also helped my husband's professional life, in learning how to deal graciously yet with firm boundaries with his clients. 

From what I've been able to observe, pretty much anyone she has extended contact with ends up butting heads with her.  People either are forced to strengthen their boundaries and confront her, or they drop out of her life or do all they can to avoid her. 

That said, while I do feel like there have been some benefits to dealing with her over the years and we are still in contact, over the years I've also come to a sense of acceptance that I could easily go NC if it came to it.  There were several points in the past when I struggled with guilt over going NC, because I didn't want to be the bad person, but in hindsight my attempts to "not be the jerk" in the relationship were not helpful and I should have defended myself and my sense of what was right more forcefully. 
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« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2017, 03:42:16 AM »

I've often read "humour" in this thread.

This is really cool. My brother and I have a really weird and unique sense of humour. He's a lot older than I am and we have different fathers. Noone in the family (neither outside the family) really "gets" us, my mom hates to spend time with both of us together because our connection makes her uncomfortable and reunions in this constellation are usually short . My dad just tries to "jump in" on our jokes but fails miserably and it gets awkward very soon.

Is this a BPDkid-thing? Could you describe your kind of humour? This is really interesting because i never knew why nobody except for my brother thinks I'm funny (and vice versa)
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« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2017, 12:09:21 PM »

Catclaw, you made quite an interesting point, I wonder if that is something people like us experience?
What I'm thinking is that, perhaps, our humor tends to be unique, and varies, all depending on the individual.
I know my own sense of humor isn't necessarily something you see often, or rather, it's quite common, and I've never given it much thought before?
I tend to only joke around with people I am close to, with family and coworkers it mostly consists of really bad puns (unsurprisingly), but with a friend of twelve years, it could be a wide range of things.
And I think it's really cool you and your brother get each other! Maybe it's a thing where, the closer we are with someone, the more at ease we feel, and the more our humor tends to show?
Just a theory, on my end!
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2017, 01:28:28 PM »

My brother and I have a really weird and unique sense of humour.
Is this a BPDkid-thing?
Hey CatClaw I would agrea with Mister Watson (I presume) you make a very interesting point. We have a new section called None-sense, where we can share our sense of humour, so we could experiment with this. Here’s the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=38.0

In our family the two PD had zero sense of humour, so I would tell jokes that went over their heads for nons to enjoy. It was the only rebellion I could get away with.  It was a very good training ground, because if its not funny, then its an insult and BPD don’t like insults. But the closer to the bone (in an indirect way) you get with comedy, the funnier it is.

So CatClaw is it possible, your sense of humour, was you way of communicating with your brother, without drawing interest or wrath from your BPD ? Could your humour have been a way of bonding with your brother and speaking in code ?

My first job was as a Cartoonist, so I have studied comedy my whole life. But the bits that might be relevant here are many people develop a good sense of humour as a defence mechanism. Rosanne Bar stated this, but you also find racial minorities are over represented (percentage wise) in stand up comedy as are the Irish and Jewish. There are also many comedians (such as Woody Alan) that had overbearing parents.
There was also research in the UK, where stand up comedians were questionnaired. The main correlation was comedians tend towards Manic behaviour and tended to be very quick thinkers.

So all this does suggest children of BPD should have above average presentation in comedy. "Everyone Loves Raymond", is an American sitcom written by and staring Ray Romano, based on his BPD mother and NPD father. I'm on a writers forum, and the comedians all got it. But some of the "serous writers" made comments like "But no one act like that, its just no believable." But it is very accurately observed BPD behaviour and hilarious. But comedy only works if you get the references.

If alternative sense of humour is your thing, then Russell Brand (who is BPD) may interest you , or Anthony Jeselnik (who is American and presents as a Narcassist) is very brutal and very skilful. The daddy of all NPD parodies (awards wise) is Alan Partridge. But I'd be very interested to know your thoughts, or recommended comedies or read any contributions on the Non-scence board.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2017, 01:03:34 AM »

Thank you HappyChappy and Mister Watson!

I don't really know if the theory of neig exceptionally close to my brother makes sense in my case. We only ever started bonding when I already was over 20 and he was in his mid-30s (he thought I was the one who brought trouble to his life when it was our mom instead, but the dynamics were quite blurry and unclear until then). On the other hand, yeah, it is kind of a code I guess and it's very random.

I'll start a thread in the other forum Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2017, 02:25:21 AM »

I agree, great post!

I'm not a product of a BPD mother, but a NPD mother.  Many of the traits I have seen you all write I also possess.  In some ways my mother seemed very BPD also.

These really stood out:

Excerpt
I have learned to be sensitive to the affect and nuances of others like a 6th sense.  I can connect with persons on a more intimate level because of this sharpened skill.

Excerpt
We tend to know how to people please better than anyone. And that has plenty of value, in customer facing jobs in caring jobs (e.g. Health etc... .).

Excerpt
Resilience-  I survived that!

Excerpt
i learned that I had to be "perfect" at school, but really that helped me stay focused on one good thing in my life and drove me to apply for college. got into a college with scholarships and minimal loans, and i graduated at the top of my class while volunteering and working a job.

Excerpt
I believe because of my mother I am strong and independent. I have learned to do things without help.

Excerpt
I have this crazy gift of knowing what will happen with events,  people, relationships etc. Not psychic, but it freaks my husband out. I see 10 steps ahead of most people.

I will also add that I picked up these helpful qualities:

Grateful that I did have a lot of freedom (she trusted me more than most parents) and learned how to be very independent without fear of taking risks

Not a "feminist" and feel comfortable working alongside men in the same positions because of her demonstrating the same

Was able to speak my mind (had a smart mouth) so I did always feel free to speak up -- however she always put her needs first so I ended up cowering down to her needs in the end

Learned to invest in quality things that have value (versus cheap things that deteriorate fast) as a result of her love of status/money

Feel like I'm able to fit in anywhere because of her need for status (being around people who have nice things/status)

Can stretch a dollar because she did that when I was young since my biological father abandoned us and didn't pay child support

Learned how to eat a healthy diet and maintain a healthy weight because of her need to always look attractive (she was always the "hot mom"

Thanks for initiating this topic, there are actually many good things that come from being a child of a NPD or BPD.  Once you get past all the bad stuff!
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« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2017, 04:40:56 AM »

I’m sure like many on here, I was brought up in a war zone. So one strength this gave me is I’m good in a crisis. In fact I spent most my life wondering why others around lose their head so easily, now I understand.

I also note that was one of my BPD positive attributes, she was also good in a crisis, a nervous wreck without one, but good in a crisis.  The big difference is she would create crisis, as it was her safe place, where as I would put it back in box, as I don’t enjoy it as a continual state, just now and then at work. Anyone else relate to this ? Or anyone else with a positive (it's Friday) from their upbringing ?  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2017, 08:10:15 AM »

I'm new here and just saw this. I'm in a bit of a low moment right now because of my Mum. So this post is really lovely and I'd like to write something to make me feel better :-)

I can take on a lot of tough challenging things at once, in terms of getting through things, I can put on a brave front because I've been through worse. I'm proud of that because people wonder how I cope with everything. For example, dealing with my Mum, taking my 18 year old brother in to live with me, buying my own home, travelling for work, all at the same time, with no help.
I learnt this skill when my Mum sent me to school in the school uniform for the year below, so I stuck out like a sore thumb . I had to own it, and say it was my choice to be different to avoid bullies.

I'm really starting to spot people who want to take advantage of me. Kicking out a boyfriend who I realised was a sociopath and cutting contact with a friend who was very manipulative.

Someone mentioned humor here. I love laughing at my situation. If I don't it becomes too serious. i can make people really laugh with the stories. Sometimes, I do catch myself because I'm making it seem like it doesn't effect me. But at least it give me some joy to here other people laugh.

I'm extremely empathetic. I like caring for people and can really feel the pain they have like it's my own.

It's not all bad, I like the person I am. Just not the feeling of guilt, or unworthiness I feel.




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« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2017, 08:56:35 AM »

Like many others here, I'm highly perceptive.  I can pick up nuances in body language and tone of voice that others miss.  My DH has commented that I can "nail" people within a minute of meeting them. 

A former boss of mine once joked that she was trying to find a work-acceptable way to praise my "BS Detector" in my performance review.  I was her executive assistant and hat "detector" kicked in on a number of occasions and saved her from more than one bad situation.  Once it happened twice, she realized that "run it by CrazyNoMore" should be S.O.P.

I was considered a weird kid in school.  Nobody knew what I was dealing with at home.  As a result, I think I tend to be more compassionate and accepting of people others may consider weird in the workplace.  That little voice inside me says, "You have no idea what they may be dealing with."  Heck, they may even be dealing with the same things I did.
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2017, 05:09:08 AM »

Like many others here, I'm highly perceptive.  I can pick up nuances in body language and tone of voice that others miss.  My DH has commented that I can "nail" people within a minute of meeting them.

 In the UK to "nail" someone means to have sex with them, so respect to you CazyNoMore, work your way to the top anyway you see fit. But I know what you means, at my place of work I had such a good track record recruiting people, for much the same reason.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can take on a lot of tough challenging things at once, in terms of getting through things, I can put on a brave front.

This is commendable Aug88 and I can relate. But a Dr once told me, doesn't matter how tough you are, if you don't know your limits you'll break. So I hope you also reach out when you do need help. And helping your brother and Mum, don't forget to get some support for yourself

I learnt this skill when my Mum sent me to school in the school uniform for the year below, so I stuck out like a sore thumb . I had to own it, and say it was my choice to be different to avoid bullies.
... .
Someone mentioned humur here.  i can make people really laugh with the stories.

Wow my mum was the same. Uniform too small, holes in my shoes, so they squeaked when I walked. She even cut our hair herself to ensure it was rubbish. She gave me a Sport bag with our towns rival football team name on it. If I didn’t have a quick wit, I would have been bullied like both my siblings. So another benefit – we both have a sense of humour. I’d love to hear some of your funny stories.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
 
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« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2017, 09:23:36 PM »

I have so much happiness now because I appreciate the life I have with my husband and two daughters! We genuinely love and support each other which makes our family life stable and secure. I had an instinct to parent my daughters in a completely opposite way than my mother did with my brother and me. My daughters are teens now, and we have a close, loving relationship. I'm so proud of their talents, confidence, and goodness. I enjoy spending time with them, and it is mutual, but I don't hold them back by being needy like my mom was and laying guilt on them! I encourage them to be who they are and experience the world. It's about their lives and their futures, not about using them to meet my needs! Also I have a ton of grit and resilience because of my rough childhood!
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« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2017, 10:25:53 AM »

Man, I needed this thread.

1. I'm extremely good at dealing with difficult people. I'm able to see past the crazy behavior and intuit whatever emotional need they feel is going unfulfilled. I am patient and kind long after most people give up.

2. I am aggressive about addressing my own mental health issues, since denial runs so deep in our family. I even married a clinical psychologist so I have a wealth of resources and support at my fingertips. (That's not WHY I married him... .just a bonus!)

3. I have an outstanding relationship with my husband of 10 years thanks to all the wonderful examples of what to never, ever do. I feel like I could write a handbook on destroying relationships (Mom married five times.) Since he also had terrible relationships modeled for him, we have as close to it gets to marital bliss.

4. I am the first to admit when I'm wrong or when I have a behavior that needs changing. I refuse to hurt another human being because of denial about my own problems.

5. I am a staunch mental health and social justice advocate. I work for a domestic violence and sexual assault organization and I can throw myself into my work with a personal understanding of how those issues affect people. It is deeply fulfilling work.

6. We don't have kids yet, but our kids are going to be safe and loved, and they will have stability. I have a very specific idea about what that means and how valuable it is to have. (Since I didn't have it.)
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2019, 10:06:43 AM »

What I love about being the child of a BPD is that it makes me part of an awesome tribe. The people on this forum are a very respectful and empathetic bunch. People like Harri and Turkish have been selfishly helping others for years, that's pretty impressive. And doing a very skillful job about it too.

I’m also a member of a PTSD forum and there’s a bunch on there who say their pdocs are terrible people for saying they have BPD. That same bunch is responsible for trolling and bullying, but if they say they also have PTSD what can you do ? One member said “why not join a BPD forum” and the response was “they all fight all the time, that’s not me” (But it was). Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Bless.
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« Reply #25 on: December 05, 2019, 10:26:44 AM »

So I'm normally a person who worries over and overthinks every small detail of his life. But when there's an emergency or crisis, I sometimes go into this "robot" mode where I logically look at what needs to be done, and either do it or make sure someone else is. My mind focuses on the task at hand, and the next. It's like my way of taking care of the problem without getting absorbed in panic. I still tend to have my emotions before it's over, but it helps me in the moment (side note: it never seems to kick in if the crisis is generated by my FOO). I sometimes wonder if this comes from having to be the "level" one in a family that dramatizes and escalates everything.

I think I also have a bigger sense of empathy and concern for others out of it, but I'm hesitant to consider that good because it's very much a double edged sword in my life.

Funny note... my friend's wife's mom had BPD, and they went through some crazy stuff. Well, now, she is able to see through people, and not only has a sense of their intentions but also knows exactly what buttons to push. Incidentally, she's a lawyer, and this works very well for her when questioning someone on the stand. She calls it her superpower.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #26 on: December 05, 2019, 12:45:52 PM »

I love this thread so much.

I'm a little bit of an outsider here but I want to chime in as such. My husband was raised by a BPD mother and he can be so good at validating! He can also pick up on emotions and when he's in a good place, he can not only identify what people are feeling, he says just the right thing.
 
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
zachira
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« Reply #27 on: December 05, 2019, 03:37:33 PM »

I have more compassion for others. I realize that certain people seem to be born with mental health challenges that are difficult to overcome in any meaningful way. The people with BPD in my family seem to live in a state of terrible fear and attack when those fears are activated. It is sad. I also realize overcoming the challenge of being a child with BPD takes a lot of work, and I admire people who are doing the work no matter what stage they are in.
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TelHill
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« Reply #28 on: December 05, 2019, 06:56:55 PM »

I think it's compassion for the mentally ill.  I want to take action when my life slows down a bit. I believe I was spared and watched over while a child by something. I don't know what.  My life should have been a disaster but wasn't. It's my turn to watch over and help.
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« Reply #29 on: December 07, 2019, 01:03:07 AM »

Well, I'm pretty good at distinguishing between people who are telling the truth and genuine, and those who aren't. 

Empathetic and caring.

Driven.

A good listener.

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