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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: s10's clothes to small  (Read 524 times)
bus boy
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« on: December 30, 2016, 04:19:24 PM »

The court order says I have to pick up clothes bag when I get s10 and drop clothes off with s10 after access. Xw makes good money, always dressed in latest fashion,  I pay good money every month to s10's  mother but when I pick him up he is dressed in clothes that don't fit and the clothes in his clothes bag don't fit, to small. People have commented to me how bad s10 looks in his to small clothes. I know the simple solution, get my own clothes, that's what I'm doing. I have never broken the court order so I rely on xw to pack clothes like the order says. The clothes xw sends look so sad on s10. I know he has nice clothes but it seems he is rarely dressed nice. This is more of a vent post but how can a parent do this to there own child? Several people have stepped up to the plate and told me how poorly s10 is dressed or sometimes his clothes are to big and when I get s10 his nails are long and dirty, xw will not clip them so when I do them on my weekend access that's it for the nails for 2 weeks. Xw is very clean, not lazy, hard worker, great cook, very much on top of things but she does funny things that don't make sense.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2016, 02:07:07 AM »

How would you say her relationship with S10 is?

My ex wife was very self centred so the boys where almost an after thought. I did a lot of clothes shopping for them which mostly stayed at mine. With my uBPD exgf I send clothes back as s3 is growing so quick he wouldn't get the use out of them. She is very good at giving them back where my ex wife would keep hold of them.
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« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2016, 02:37:47 AM »

It sounds like you've found the logical solution.  I'd send the clothes back to her,  unworn, and keep yours in your home.  If anyone comments about what he wears on her time,  I'd tell the truth.  Control only what you can control. 
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bus boy
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« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2016, 03:32:28 PM »

S10 seems to have a good r/s with his mother. From what I've seen she shows s10 affection but that could be an act when I see her bc I'm only just getting s10 to say good night and good morning and hug me good night. Xw rules with fear and control. S10 has told me some of the emotionally abusive things his mother has done. A good abuser doesn't have to abuse everyday and xw is a pro. S10 rarely replys to my texts but replys instantly to his mother when he is with me. I would say s10 marches to her tune for sure. Xw has instilled fear in s10 towards my family, we took a family pic at xmas and when someone suggested posting it on Facebook s10 had a fearful look in his eyes, s10 is nervous, often bitting on the inside of his mouth and fiddigeting with his pants when he talks to me. Xw did lots of crazy making with me so I figure there is some emotional manuplation going on in s10's life.
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david
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2016, 05:54:38 PM »

My ex ran away in 2007. She literally emptied our house. I mean everything. It took me two weeks and the courts to finally get to see our two boys. I realized the day of the pick up that I had no clothes for either boy. I called my attorney and she contacted ex's attorney. About two hours before the pick up time I received a call from my attorneys receptionist. Ex's attorney said, "her client confessed and said she had all their clothes and would give me some when I picked them up." I received three bags of clothes and most were too small, had holes in them, etc. Fortunately there was a Walmart that was closing in order to expand and had everything 50 to 70 % off. I bought a heaping shopping cart full of clothes. That solved the problem.
A month or two later I realized all the clothes I purchased were gone and were replaced by clothes that were worn out, etc. I bought more clothes and made sure that whatever I picked them up in was what they were wearing when they went back to their mom's. Problem solved, right ? Not so fast.
A month or two after that I realized our youngest, s5, had no underwear. Yes, she would send him to my place without underwear. I talked to s5 and explained that he is not allowed to go out of either house without underwear on. Problem was finally solved.
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2017, 05:29:24 AM »

yep, sounds all very very familiar.

We follow the same rule that someone already mentioned on here. We just get some clothes for my SS's that we are keeping here. From underwear to socks, to pjs etc. We only get to see the kids during their school breaks. So yes, the clothes we get for them will be worn 2-3 times tops before they grow out of it. So we buy most things second hand.

We mainly just go through what she packed to see what "surprises" she has put in their. Other than that, we just put the crap she packs aside and leave them in the bag.
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david
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« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2017, 07:51:18 AM »

When my boys were younger, 10 and 5, they liked to go to yard sales. My youngest thought buying clothes at a yard sale was the greatest thing ever. You could get pants for a dollar ! Shirts for 50 cents ! He thought that was a really great bargain and didn't like shopping in stores because they wanted too much money. My older liked it too but he was not as vocal about it. It was a fun morning out and it didn't cost a lot. I would give them some money and tell them they could get whatever they wanted.
My ex emptied our house so we found things for the house too. It was a lot of good bonding experiences.
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scraps66
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« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2017, 09:58:44 AM »

She's not doing this to her own child, she's doing this to YOU.  She is more interested in making things more difficult for you.  Very typical and predictable behavior that the BP does things to affect an ex partner having no regard for how that affects/makes the child appear.  She also may be behaving "possessively" that her clothes are just that, hers.  I have always just maintained my own clothes.  Now I notice my ex dressing our S12 in the same type of clothes as her boyfriend.  I also notice my S12 catching on and claiming that clothes I have for him, don't fit, when they do.  He balks at the clothes I have for him routinely.     

The possessive part, sprinkled with emotional neediness, on many occasions my ex has demanded she get a specific article of clothing.  Most recently she texted me stating, "S9 needs his RED UA sweatshirt, he's walking around the house with a coat on, he needs THAT hoodie."  Well, that was a sweatshirt she had bought and apparently she had no other heavy long-sleeve article of clothing in the house to give S9 so she needed THAT hoodie. 

Thanks for posting, this is a vent for me too. Don't bother trying to explain this behavior to anyone else because they will think you are as crazy as your BP.   
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scraps66
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« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2017, 10:00:30 AM »

PS, the fact that you have this stipulation in your order provides a target for your ex.  In this case it would probably be better to eliminate this from the order and it wouldn't create a trigger for you rex.

 
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david
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« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2017, 10:51:47 AM »

"she's doing this to YOU" is what my ex was doing. The trick is to not let her see you react or be bothered in any way by her behavior unless you are in court for the judge to hear. That means not letting your son see it too. He may be giving information back to his mom. My ex used to grill our boys. Once I realized that I became careful about my behavior/reactions in front of them. This way they could go to their mom's with nothing to report. Triangulation of the kids is a strategy my ex used a lot in the beginning. I stopped it by not giving her any of her fix. Finding the balance is the key.
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trappeddad
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« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2017, 06:52:17 PM »

Does anybody have a situation where the ex refuses to return the child in the nice clothes he/she wears that you provide?     I hate having to change my 7YO everytime into unfitting/stained clothes everytime before I return him.    Those are the clothes he wears when I get him, but do not want him going out wearing that under my watch.    I understand the ex's behavior was to get me, but my child sees this.
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david
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« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2017, 09:38:35 AM »

What I noticed was when our boys were younger they dressed with what their mom gave them. I started letting them pick out what they wanted to wear. Eventually they decided what to wear and ex's antics stopped. Our youngest was around 8 or 9 when he stopped wearing worn out/dirty clothes from his mom's. Ex ran away when he was around 5 so it took some time.
I am not sure what happened at her place but I believe he simply pointed out that the clothes she gave him needed to be thrown out and that he needed cleaner clothes.
We used to go to garage sales. The kids loved it and they would pick clothes out. They liked the bargains. I made sure the clothes looked okay and would point out if they were too small,etc. This helped them figure things out later. It's a process and does take time. During that time I made sure they did not wear anything new to their mom's because I would never see it again. The garage sale clothes were a few dollars so if they disappeared I let it go.
In my situation I noticed a lot of issues early on went away as the boys got older. It was more of an annoyance to me since it helped me see who she really was. Whenever I started to think she was "getting better" she would do something that adjusted my thinking.
trappeddad, I would send him back in the same clothes he had when you picked him up. Perhaps I would say something like these are mom's clothes so you better wear these if I said anything at all. The only time I had a problem was when I was taking them to school and their mom would be getting them after school.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #12 on: January 02, 2017, 01:54:36 PM »

If this is going to be an ongoing problem and you anticipate future custody actions, go ahead and document what comes to you each week (2 pair pants size 8, 2 shirts size 8, etc. S currently wars size 12) as well as what S wore and took back to ex's house.
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« Reply #13 on: January 02, 2017, 03:53:14 PM »

Yes, write it down (size too small /make sure you write the size of the clothes and the size he is wearing,holes,dirty,etc) and you can take pictures, at this age, of your son every time you pick him up. It could be a game or something. Documentation helps a lot in court to persuade a judge to follow your requests.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #14 on: January 02, 2017, 04:04:08 PM »

Does anybody have a situation where the ex refuses to return the child in the nice clothes he/she wears that you provide?     I hate having to change my 7YO everytime into unfitting/stained clothes everytime before I return him.    Those are the clothes he wears when I get him, but do not want him going out wearing that under my watch.    I understand the ex's behavior was to get me, but my child sees this.
Just curious as to how you approached this with your ex? Did you try and talk to her about it? Or have you not broached it with her?
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bus boy
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« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2017, 04:19:20 PM »

Great replys to this topic. Sometimes xw packs dirty clothes, never enough clothes, if s10 is with me for 4 days she packs one change of clothes so I do laundry every day. I now have plenty of nice clothes for s10.

enlighten me, I have known xw for 12 years, I have learned there is no sense in talking to her. She is absolutely 100% impossible 100% of the time. I really want nothing to do with her, she is a vial ignorant person. I just deal with issues. There is no coparenting with xw. A simple question is met with dirt and ignorance.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2017, 04:47:25 PM »

I know how you feel. My ex wife was exactly the same. I did have some success with interactions though. I had to find the pitch that made her think she was winning. Not an easy thing to do at times.

Sometimes the direct approach worked I,e, "I'm willing to buy the boys clothes that they can take home but I expect them to have them when they come to me. If I do this theres no losers as the boys are happy and you don't have to spend money on their clothes."
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trappeddad
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« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2017, 05:16:51 PM »

There is no talking with my ex.   When I bring up that clothes are stained or don't fit, she disagrees.     If we are out for the day with nice clothes (and I do not go back home), I have to have my son change in a public bathroom to change back into the stained/unfit clothes... .which precedes dropoff.    Hopefully he will approach the age soon where he can pro-actively pick acceptable clothes.

And I have friends say, why don't you just sit down and talk to her about this issue.    My canned response is - if it were that easy I may still be with her.     
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enlighten me
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« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2017, 05:21:45 PM »

Yep sometimes theres no talking to them. No matter what you say or do they see it as a threat.

My ex eventually calmed down though.

One final thought. By pointing out the clothes are stained or don't fit your ex probably sees it as a criticism of her parenting so will be overly defensive. I learnt to word things in a way that didn't point any fingers (even though on the inside I would be screaming about it). This has given me some success.
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« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2017, 09:40:23 AM »

Hey Smiling (click to insert in post)

This is actually something that happens with separeted parents all the time, also when there's no pwBPD in the mix. It's a really common complaint.

We've had this (and still have it) with SS on EOW. He's dressed terribly. THe only clothes that fit him when he comes back, are things that make him fit her personal style (cute, gothic, tiny leather jackets, shirts with jesus in a crown of thorns, skeleton-y stuff) which she buys on her way to our house.
We used to dress him properly when he still lived with her, but we never get our stuff back, so we send him to her with clothes that are too small (the ones from 2 weeks ago), knowing that he has fitting clothes at her place (the ones she kept).
He's 9 and he comes home in pants that are for 4-5 y/o.

He loves dressing nicely. He loves buttoned shirts and wearing ties and also developed a good taste in combining clothes. At our home, he demands to pick his clothes, at hers he just puts on what she hands him. I feel like this shows that he feels safe and appreciated with us.

If you feel bad about sending him back with clothes that are too small, take a picture of him the day you sent him back, with the clothes you bought and remind her to bring everything back next time. BPDm used to claim she doesn't remember what is ours and what is hers, so DH sent her the picture.
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