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Author Topic: What happened w your BPD parent when u started a family?  (Read 381 times)
GreenGlit
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« on: January 03, 2017, 08:21:43 AM »

I've been married over a year, nearing my 30s, and at some point want to start a family in the next few years. I have a very dsyfunctional family and am LC with my uBPD mother who plays favorites with me and my sister. I'm the one painted black. BPD sister, who I'm not in contact with anymore, has two kids who get all the attention and love from my mom.

My sister was the one painted black for many years until she had kids of her own. Then everything changed with the new life she bore and the tables were turned on me. So... .what's going to happen when I have kids? My mother is not someone I really want too involved in my kid's lives because of her dysfunction and manipulation. At the same time, the opportunity to mend things isn't something I'd hate to experience. But my mom needs to have one good daughter and one bad one.

Has anyone had an experience like this? What happens when you have a strained or limited relationship with uBPD relative, and you have kids who are now new and innocent players? How did things change for you, and how did you navigate these new waters? How do you manage limiting the influence of your BPD relative and at the same time not take away the opportunity for your kids to experience a grandparent?

Thanks for your experience.
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lookingforanswer

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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2017, 12:45:26 PM »

I have a similar situation but it is my mil who is uBPD. She did paint my H black for many years before that and I just assumed that was the dynamic in the family since I was relatively new to the group. We would see his family 3-4 times a year, mostly for family events. After my first child was born, all hell broke loose. He was the first grandchild in the family and she insisted on stopping in unannounced at least once a week and demanded "special" time to which we weren't included with her grandson or anyone else for that matter. Red flags were popping up all over the place for me. I tried to  put the brakes on this which caused a huge problem between my H and myself because he did not want/could not stop the freight train. In a fit of rage, my H said he would rather just not talk to her at all than have to deal directly with her. I should have chosen that option instead of enduring this for 18 more years.

Personally, after having 2 children, I would say set up strict boundaries from the get-go. If you are LC now, I would continue LC in the future. This is not about you redeveloping a relationship, this is about your kids. And how long will it take before she starts playing favorites with your kids and engaging in all the BPD behaviour that you experienced? The kids are number one in this scenario and you need to be there to protect them against negative influences. Even unfortunately if it comes from the people who are supposed to be there to support them.

When the kids got old enough, I was able to explain to them that the grandmother's behaviour is not normal. We need to point this out to kids because they learn so much from the adults around them. Now we can just give each other knowing looks when she behaves oddly to confirm their thoughts.

Hope this helps. If there is anything specific that you want to know, let me know. I was trying to keep it brief. 
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P.F.Change
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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2017, 04:59:01 PM »

Hey, GreenGlit,

You're asking some very good questions. It's great that you're starting to think about them now. The short answer is: Who your mother is now is who she will continue to be, until she is willing to do a whole lot of work to change.

A lot of people have a belief--even if it's not a conscious one--that they are a big part of the reason why they don't get along with their parent with BPD, and hold out hope that that it will be a different relationship for their children with the grandparent. Occasionally, it can be a much more positive (or at least less negative) experience, because grandparents get to come and go. But a parent with BPD is still going to have BPD as a grandparent. To me, it sounds like you are already reasonably conscientious about that fact.

To answer your question on a more personal level, here is my experience. My mother was very upset that I didn't want her to be at the birth of my first child. She created a plan to come to my city for an entire month before and after, despite my telling her it made me uncomfortable and I would not have anyone but my husband at the birth. She said she would stay in a hotel and not bother me. I became so upset at her unwillingness to respect my wishes that my husband called her and told her point blank that she was not to come, period. That was before I knew anything about BPD. But I knew I wouldn't be able to relax and give birth knowing she was hovering there waiting to pounce. We never had the kind of close relationship that warrants an invitation to the delivery room.

She called daily to find out if I had gone into labor yet. I stopped answering the phone, and the number of calls per day escalated to four or five. I finally told her to stop calling or I wouldn't tell her when the baby was born. We waited until the baby was a month old before inviting them down. I had some physical trauma from the delivery and we had some difficulties nursing and adjusting to life with a newborn. It was good to have that time to recover and get used to things.

She and my father doted on my children. In our case, I think my children were a source of narcissistic supply for them. Love from a baby feels good. My parents used my children to feel good. But they didn't have much ability to care for how the children felt. If the kids didn't want to play with the toy grandma brought right then in front of her so she could see, grandma would pout and complain. If they needed to take a nap at naptime, grandma would be upset that they weren't being asked to stay awake and pay attention to her. If the kids had been excited to hear grandma and grandpa were coming to visit, my parents didn't care enough to show up less than 2 hours late. I stopped announcing their visits. It was very upsetting to my parents that we have a routine or that we would ever tell our children no.

I communicated a boundary with my parents once that I would no longer be leaving the children alone with them. This was difficult for both of them, but especially for my mother, who had become obsessed with the idea of my sending them to her for a week or more at a time. Once she attempted to manipulate my six-year-old about it. I overheard her whisper to him to "tell your mommy you want to come stay with me." I shut it down and she left the room bawling. She and my father both deny this event could have ever happened.

I continued trying to maintain some contact, inviting them to birthdays and holidays as long as the children wanted them there. Even when we were only seeing them a few hours once or twice a year, I felt incredibly stressed at having to remain vigilant and keep constant watch on their interactions with the kids. It wore me out. I could relax just a little when there were other adults around, such as my in-laws or friends, because they always try to be on good behavior when other people are watching.

A few weeks after my youngest was born, we invited them for a two-hour window to meet her. They arrived late. My mother used a good portion of her hour to try to figure out how jealous she should be of other friends and family members who had been invited to have a closer role during my labor. The rest was spent holding the baby in one arm and talking on her phone in the other hand. Both parents seemed surprised and pouted when we told them it was time for them to leave.

About 5 years ago, my mother put me in a no-win situation that also violated a boundary of mine. I decided to end contact with my parents at that time. I was worn out and didn't have it in me anymore to keep doing the same old dance. At first the kids were a little confused, but I was honest with them in an age-appropriate way when they'd ask about it. Now they don't seem to think it's strange. They have very positive relationships with their other grandparents and extended family.

After a couple of years, I resumed limited phone contact with my father, and now we let them send cards to the kids for special occasions, so long as they are simple and don't contain manipulative messages. I do not feel ready to see or speak to my mother, and have made it clear to my father that I want him to stop telling me how much they want to see me and the children. I have had to hang up when he begins manipulating about it. He remains who he is. This is what you can expect from your parents. They will be who they are, and you can't control or change them.

My advice is to keep thinking about what you need and where your boundaries are. Think about what is healthy for you, what values you want to instill in your children. You already have some experience there, which is better than where I was when I started. Keep posting here and talking with friends you can trust. You and your husband get to establish the tone of your home together and decide what works best for you. I think you'll be able to find a way that works for you when the time comes.

Wishing you peace,

PF
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2017, 05:45:18 PM »

I had a firm boundary that my mother would not be alone with my children. This was easy enough as my father would drive to visit with her. He was a great granddaddy and they adored him. Like PF Chang said- the kids were probably a source of narcissistic supply to my mother. However, she held it together when they were little and so I saw no reason to intervene. My kids didn't really bond to her but they had a great bond with my father, so we tolerated my mother being there too.

Where I started to feel a need to have boundaries was when they were old enough to be of use to her and she began to manipulate them. She also tried to triangulate them against me. She has poor boundaries and tried to be buddy buddy with my kids. It was then that I began to set boundaries. My parents got angry at me. They were invested in pretending mother was normal. Boundaries indicated that she was not.

She painted me black when my father was ill and somehow imagined she could have a relationship with my kids without me. However, by then, the kids had good boundaries and were able to see that her behavior- which was out of control when my father was ill, was not acceptable to them. At this time they were able to understand mental illness and what BPD was. I explained to them that I would remain in contact with her- because she is my mother and I felt it was the right thing for me to do, but I would not allow her to be abusive to me or my children. They understood that. They have minimal contact with her now. Her own behavior alienated them.

However, had she become a threat to them at any time sooner, I would have enacted on boundaries then. If you want to try this out, and see how it goes, know that you can change your mind at any time. However, know that your parents would likely be angry at you. I felt at the time that I was placed in a position to choose their happiness ( no boundaries) over the welfare of my kids, who were basically just narcissistic supply to my mother.

Yet, to me, my kids' welfare came first, and I stood by that decision.
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Lander11488

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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2017, 09:17:54 AM »

I am experiencing this almost word for word.  Since childhood, my sister has always been treated beyond horribly by my BPD mother - even told she was a mistake to have, not loved, etc.  While I was treated  very loved by her, I was often afraid of her and had complicated relationships with most family members due to my siding with her or them in certain situations.  However, I started a family of my own a little over two years ago and have had a major change in my relationship with my BPD mom since then.  Around the time I got married, she went through a near divorce with her husband so this also added to the problems that already existed as we saw and heard from her less and less during this time.  Now, my son is two years old and really only sees her on holidays.  My MIL lives in California and has seen my son twice as much as my own mom who lives 20 minutes down the street from me.  This is mainly due to her not making any effort to see my family or contact us, and we have not gone out of our way to connect with her as I have similar feelings about his exposure to her as I see you have about your future family.  I am in counseling twice a week trying to manage the ongoing anxiety I experience (have from childhood) and also to learn healthy boundaries for myself and my son.
I can say my husband shares my feelings about the situation and we are on the same page about seeing her on holidays/when she reaches out as she is always on her best behavior during these limited interactions.  I think for us, this is what works best.  We don't expect her to be "normal" like other Grandmas, toward my son and so we are let down very little by her.  What she offers in terms of communication, we accept and are always nice and loving toward her during these times.  I wish, like you, that there could be some resolve, but after 28 years of her BPD traits bursting at the seams, I simply try to take the positive aspects of our relationship and shine light on those as much as possible. It's hard and it's constant. Good luck to you!
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Ktgrn

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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2017, 10:44:49 PM »

My mom is BPD. I'm 28 and have a 9 month old. My daughter was her first grandchild. I moved 800 miles from mom when I was 19.  Your fears are the same I have. My mom was very mad thought it all. I told her I didn't want her to come to visit till a few weeks after the birth. 2 days before they were supposed to come they canceled, which I expected. She was 6 months when my parents met her. My mom held it together during that visit. But not 2 weeks  later she had one of her melt downs, starving for attention and saying she was going to kill her self to anyone that would listen, including family that are to young or innocent to understand.

Now more then ever I Want to cut off contact.  I grew up not knowing what every day would hold. If she was going to overdose on pain meds thst day, or if she's going to cut her self for the 100th time. I will not let her treat my  daughter how she treated me.   
       I'm done walking on egg shells with her and I won't let her poison my childs life, I have a right to protect my child.
         The whole pregnancy I heard "I'm going to change now I'm a grandma" "I will stop cutting" "I'm going to get better" 9 months later things have just gotten worse
 
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Biddybrown

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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2017, 10:14:47 PM »

To all of you here that have fears of your BPD  mother being grandmother, this is real and I'm glad you are wise enough to think ahead and realize now that you have to set boundries and be cautious. My children are 21 and 19, I'm 42. My BPD mother started splitting when my children were about 10 and 8 and treated me as if my children were hers and I was still a child almost a sibling to my children. To top it off I was made the bad one along with my daughter who is 19. My son who has an addiction problem now and can do no wrong in her eyes needs help but I am played out to be against him and crazy and that I'm the reason for his problems. It provokes rage inside me that comes from deep hurt that I'm seeing a therapist for. My daughter suffers from depression and low self esteem because no matter what she does its never enough. We are close and I encourage her and validate her and I'm so proud of the woman she is. She is understanding now and together we are trying to heal, but my son is in real danger. So be smart don't let her get to close. Mine BPD mother undermined, manipulated, and vurtually stole my son from me. Protect your family from your family. I thought because i was a single mom that she just wanted to help but I was blind to what she was doing. The deepest heart comes from realizing that you can't trust your own mother.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2017, 06:39:00 AM »

Biddybrown,

That is so sad. I am sorry your mother did this. I noticed my mother attempting to triangulate with the kids "against me" when they were old enough- about pre-teen.

When my father was ill, my mother painted me black. For some reason, she thought she could have a relationship with them and not me. Doesn't make sense when they lived with me. Fortunately, we live far away from her that she didn't see them on a frequent basis.

If I were to go NC with my mother, it would have to include my father. He was a great grampa to my kids. One of my boundaries was to not have my kids be alone with her- not at any age. As pre-teens- the danger was not that they couldn't take care of themselves, but because of the potential for triangulation. My mother has poor boundaries and would speak to them as if they were her peers. They did not visit my parents on their own. We visited as a family and I was there too. I may have left briefly to run an errand- if my father was with them, but I did not leave my children alone with my mother.

I was concerned my mother would turn my kids against me. She was able to do that with her FOO and my father. Her FOO also is enmeshed with her. When I put up boundaries-some of them contacted me trying to get in touch with the kids themselves. I had to have boundaries with them too.

I can only imagine the things she said to them about how horrible I was to "keep her from her grandchildren" and could they help her.

Fortunately, she didn't succeed with the kids. They were the most important boundary for me. I had tolerated a lot in my relationship with my parents, but not this.
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ijustwantpeace
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2017, 09:14:54 PM »

My bad hell mum broke up my brother and his wife.  Make plans move away and live a happy life.  These people are monsters.
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Turkish
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2017, 11:31:05 PM »

My experience was somewhat similar to that of others,  with my uBPDx to boot. 

I think what you're asking here is how to plan for the inevitable: you having your first baby.

Though you may be the black sheep now,  I get that you fear that she'll switch and make all storeys of demands on pregnancy, which is the last thing you will need to deal with at that point.  Your husband,  you and your baby are your primary family at that point.  Remember this. 

My mother waifed out when my ex didn't want her in the birthing room.  Especially since she was an RN. Only my ex,  her mom and me.  For our second child, it was just me.  That was her choice as a mother.  Her right.  So would it be with you. 

My mom got over it.  Other things ensued in subsequent years,  but I kept this on my mind: "I'm the parent of these children; both my legal and moral responsibilities are to them,  they who can't advocate for themselves."

This included not allowing my mom to spend more than a few minutes of alone time with the kids when she was living with us last winter.  I heard from others that she had complained that she couldn't watch the kids (then 1 and 3), painting me as a Jerk, implicitly.   

Though you aren't there yet,  I hope that our stories help.  You're the mom,  no one else. 

As for your other concern about your children getting the grandchildren experience, of take it as it is when it comes.  I never had grandparents (after 1.5, and I don't remember them). The kids remember Grandma Turkish (S6 doesn't want her to come back due to her anger,  interestingly). That's enough.  Talking to kids age appropriately is what to do. 
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2017, 04:34:00 AM »

My sibs and I have changed places as the white or black child over the years. We all understand why this happens, so we don't feel either good about it or hurt when it changes.

I have made a point to not participate in any triangulation between my mother, me, sibs.

I think the most important part in this is to do what is best for you and any future children.

As to the delivery room- that choice is up to the couple. I didn't want any parents in the delivery room- just me and my H.

I have heard of parents feeling they should be there, but that is a private, personal choice.

My friends had a shower for me and included my parents. I thought that was a nice thing to do and I was not NC with my parents. My friends didn't know about my mother's issues and she was pleasant at the event.

I also didn't call my parents when I went into labor, but after the baby arrived. I felt it would be stressful for me if they were there, even if they weren't in the room. I didn't want the stress. Besides, there wasn't much else for them to do but wait. The baby would arrive when he/she is ready to.

I also chose when to announce the pregnancy. With my first- I was so excited to tell everyone right away. My mom was excited too- as expected. With the next one though, I wanted some private time with the news, so I waited a little while ( you can only wait so long with that news). While I understand how this is an important event for all family members- it's your pregnancy, your baby, your family and taking care of that is the priority.


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