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Author Topic: Dealing with the 'splitting' after going NC... BPD mom..  (Read 464 times)
catlady6

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« on: January 03, 2017, 03:30:14 PM »

How do you guys cope with the 'splitting'? I was formerly the "good" one I guess, but since I made the decision for my own health and sanity that i need to step back/go NC until/unless she gets treatment... .now I'm the "bad" one I guess.

my mother expects me to cave and go back to being her lightning rod, but I just don't have it in me. so when I explained that I need time to heal and need to take a break, of course all hell breaks loose... .

I guess I'm gonna be the "bad" person for a while, if not forever now. How do you handle it? Even when I was "good" in her eyes she abused me horribly so like. what do I expect now?

I've blocked her from calling me and I don't think she knows where I live, so that's not really the issue... .she's been taking my dad's phone to call me and scream/rage though so that's her new method. apparently I'm "crazy" for wanting to prioritize myself and my health over her unending needs and delusions. and "selfish" since she "dedicated her life to me"... .except that obviously it's the opposite... .

how do you handle this? is it going to be horrible forever? now I dread my dad calling me because she always takes the phone away and will start raging. it's getting bad on his end too, she sounds like she's really viewing us both as "bad" now. there's no "good" anchor for her anymore i guess.

how do you cope? what helps you to feel better? have any of you who have tried going NC/LC been "split" like this? did you eventually feel better after going NC or is it just always going to be difficult?

i know for my mental health I have to do what's right for me... .I just wish it wasn't so difficult. it would be great if one day my BPD could wake up and realize that she needs mental help, but she won't... .because obviously it's everyone else who has a problem... .very frustrating... :/
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Mister Watson

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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2017, 03:55:02 PM »

Hello, catlady6! Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

Regarding your question, I do have a suggestion or two to help you cope with such trying times, of only which I hope gets better with time.
I found that, for me, writing was a wonderful way to help alleviate the seemingly unending stress endured. Creating stories, forming the people within them, and picturing the overall environment seemed to peak my interest. If this works for you, then that's wonderful!
Channeling your frustrations and stress through art can also be quite helpful. Painting, sculpting, etc., is a creative and helpful way to deal with unwanted emotions without harming anyone in the process. You don't have to be good at it, as long as you find you are having fun, and relaxing!

Sometimes, even watching Youtubers helps me to relax, specifically those who do letsplays. They can be funny most times, and it's wonderful to have a laugh every now and then! (I recommend Markiplier!)
Same goes for television shows and movies. Sometimes, a good story can help you forget your stress!

And in addition, just simply having a cup of coffee in a silent environment can be wonderful in itself. Go out for a drive, go to your favorite store, or even visit friends.

These all help me feel better Smiling (click to insert in post) Hopefully this helps you!

It won't be like this forever. Stay well!
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catlady6

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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2017, 05:47:30 PM »


These all help me feel better Smiling (click to insert in post) Hopefully this helps you!

It won't be like this forever. Stay well!

Honestly that does help a lot. I know healing involves self care and TBH i suck at that. Hearing that it's "okay" to do relaxing things/take my mind off of it helps me feel less guilty I guess? That sounds weird but honestly it's true
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Mister Watson

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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2017, 06:22:33 PM »

I understand! And trust me, the more ways you find to help yourself relax, the better things get Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just remember that there is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself, no matter how challenging it may be. You're a person too, you deserve kindness and a stress free day!
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MoreGuilt

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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 06:58:58 PM »

Yes, it gets better.  Much better.  For you.   I never announced my reduced contact decision to my uBPDm and uNPDf, so I was able to avoid some drama there.   If I can stick to my level of comfort regarding contact, things are good.  I had to stop seeing myself through their eyes and see myself for myself.  Their reality is not my reality.  If they think I am bad, why do I need to think I am bad?  That is their distorted perception of me.  Only it's not even ME they are distorting.   They don't see ME.  So why should it matter to me if they are disappointed that their image of who they think I am is now negative?  Does that make any sense? 
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drained1996
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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2017, 12:06:17 AM »

Hi catlady6,

Welcome

Your story resonates with me as I'm now dealing with my own mother and the not so great relationship we have shared as long as I can remember. 

Excerpt
now I dread my dad calling me because she always takes the phone away and will start raging. it's getting bad on his end too, she sounds like she's really viewing us both as "bad" now. there's no "good" anchor for her anymore i guess.

Yes, that makes sense, if you were her outlet and you have now protected yourself... .she'll find another... .  Though I'm sure he has always had to deal with his share... .as I'm sure my own father did.  It's not your fault. 

I understand how you may feel responsible... .but think about it... .how can you be held responsible for another adults actions?  I no longer feel responsible for my mothers actions or feelings... .because... .I'm not. 
There are some lessons and a survivors guide in the upper right hand margin of his page.  I think you will find them useful in your journey.  Have you thought about seeking a therapist to help guide you through this?  I know many here have found that very helpful... .I did... .and still do!  Keep sharing.  We are here to walk with you.   

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catlady6

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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2017, 06:22:52 PM »

Yes, it gets better.  Much better.  For you.   I never announced my reduced contact decision to my uBPDm and uNPDf, so I was able to avoid some drama there.   If I can stick to my level of comfort regarding contact, things are good.  I had to stop seeing myself through their eyes and see myself for myself.  Their reality is not my reality.  If they think I am bad, why do I need to think I am bad?  That is their distorted perception of me.  Only it's not even ME they are distorting.   They don't see ME.  So why should it matter to me if they are disappointed that their image of who they think I am is now negative?  Does that make any sense? 

That's something I'm trying to come to terms with. Honestly before I read that book "walking on eggshells" I never even considered that BPD people don't "see" those around them but it makes so much sense. I guess now the hard part will be accepting that and trying not to get down about how the BPD decided to project onto me :|

But I mean. Objectively I'm a good person, so I feel like I can get over this.

I do need to figure out how to work more on not dwelling on her perception of me I guess. Still kinda stuck in the "fog" I guess. But I've started looking at articles about how to deal with it and it's helping so far. Understanding it helps me to move on.
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catlady6

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« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2017, 06:28:37 PM »


There are some lessons and a survivors guide in the upper right hand margin of his page.  I think you will find them useful in your journey.  Have you thought about seeking a therapist to help guide you through this?  I know many here have found that very helpful... .I did... .and still do!  Keep sharing.  We are here to walk with you.   



Thank you <3
I'm starting to go and look at all the lessons. There's a lot to take in but they're helping me so far. Seeing the psychological explanations is really helping... .i feel like it's easier to depersonalize when I know "why" the person is acting this way now

It's also frustrating because the more I learn about BPD, the more frustrating it is for me to know that a cure exists but that the BPD in my life won't accept or try to get better :/ like if I had cancer I would do chemo... .it's the same principal for mental health stuff... .if you're sick you get treatment and get better. I can't understand why someone would want to stay acting crazy if there is a cure.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2017, 08:57:27 PM »

Quote from: catlady6

It's also frustrating because the more I learn about BPD, the more frustrating it is for me to know that a cure exists but that the BPD in my life won't accept or try to get better :/ like if I had cancer I would do chemo... .it's the same principal for mental health stuff... .if you're sick you get treatment and get better. I can't understand why someone would want to stay acting crazy if there is a cure.
Hey Catlady6:
There isn't really a cure for BPD for most people.  Most people with BPD have a different set of traits/mental illnesses.  It is common for anxiety disorders, depression, Bipolar, ADD/ADHD, PTSD, etc. to accompany BPD.  

BPD can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  There are some people who might indicate they are cured.  But there are so many variables, you couldn't say because that person was cured, that all others could be cured.

Probably the best outcome for most, who cooperate with treatment, is that they manage the condition the best possible.  The use of meds is unique and individual.  There isn't a certain BPD med.  Even with the best of situations with therapy, there can be periodic episodes, particularly during times of stress.

I agree with your thoughts about the need for treatment and that BPD needs to be approached as you would any disease/illness (cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc.)

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indifferent

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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2017, 01:21:26 PM »

How do you guys cope with the 'splitting'? I was formerly the "good" one I guess, but since I made the decision for my own health and sanity that i need to step back/go NC until/unless she gets treatment... .now I'm the "bad" one I guess.

First and foremost, apologies if I'm not quoting correctly.  I'm more of a reader on this forum than a contributor.  I went NC with my mother in June 2016, and have not looked back since.  It's been the best decision, yes, very difficult and with many ups and downs, but as a person, my emotional well being has improved greatly, and I'm glad to report that although I still experience slight anxiety, I've not had one panic attack since that day!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

I was also the good one, the good daughter that was so nice, did as she was told, listened and was sweet.  Although I'm very much a nice person, I suppose I went to the bad/dark side too when I decided to stand up for myself and be healthily selfish (hope this makes sense, we know narcs are selfish, in a bad way, but self care involves a healthy dose of selfishness too).


I guess I'm gonna be the "bad" person for a while, if not forever now. How do you handle it? Even when I was "good" in her eyes she abused me horribly so like. what do I expect now?

I think after a while you'll stop caring what she thinks.  For a good few months after NC I had horrible doubts, and felt like the most awful human being.  But now, almost a year later, I couldn't worry less if she thinks of me as bad or good, her opinion is totally irrelevant.

I've blocked her from calling me and I don't think she knows where I live, so that's not really the issue... .she's been taking my dad's phone to call me and scream/rage though so that's her new method. apparently I'm "crazy" for wanting to prioritize myself and my health over her unending needs and delusions. and "selfish" since she "dedicated her life to me"... .except that obviously it's the opposite... .

Oh my word, this sounds so familiar!  Right after I went NC, she stalked me to no end!  I blocked her from my phone and all social media, so she'd end up sending my brother messages, also, the messages were all about my granny and that she is dying soon.  Uhm, almost a year later my granny is as strong as a bull, manipulation to its finest.  She's also done the thing phoning from my dad's phone, I never answered, my dad knew if he wanted to speak to me he should phone my husband, she never tried calling my husband, she knew he'd tell her to go to hell.  NBPDs will go to great lengths to reach their source of supply, I got so many messages from family to forgive her etc.  It's very important if you do decide to go NC, that you 100% cut off ALL communication, even from your dad if she manages to use his phone, any kind of communication she still gets from you, she will use to her advantage and it will only delay your healing further. 

how do you cope? what helps you to feel better? have any of you who have tried going NC/LC been "split" like this? did you eventually feel better after going NC or is it just always going to be difficult?

It gets better!  For the first few months I was so wrapped up by the NC thing, I think I had mild depression.  But my personality is very much positive, I'm a happy person despite my background, so I don't like moping.  I started focusing more on me.  It's still very much in the beginning stages, but I would say start focusing on good things.  What goals do you have for you?  What things did you avoid because of her?  Now nothing is stopping you from living your best life!

i know for my mental health I have to do what's right for me... .I just wish it wasn't so difficult. it would be great if one day my BPD could wake up and realize that she needs mental help, but she won't... .because obviously it's everyone else who has a problem... .very frustrating... :/

The chances of that happening is slim.  They don't think the problem is them, it's us.  After all this time my mother is still blissfully in denial of the hurt.  I was hopeful for so many years, the change happened when I realized my hope was fruitless, and she will forever be the same.  I had a choice, to accept her fully, or to accept that my destiny doesn't include her.

I wish you all the best!  I'm always here if you need to chat!   
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2017, 01:43:00 PM »

I can relate to so much in your post. I think you are a doing a great job by seeking help and working on making yourself happy! It's so hard to want to open up to other people about this because you feel like they have no idea what you're going through (or have gone through) with your BPDm. I'm grateful to have found this site, and feel like it is helping to break the "FOG".

My mom and I tend to go NC after an argument or when I just can't take the splitting anymore. The worst part is she will never be the one to re-initiate contact (or even better, apologize) so we are just stuck in this cycle of not-talking and I am constantly wondering if she's ok, reminding myself I'm not a bad person, and questioning if I should reach out to her. Like you, I wish that she would be able to see that she is the cause of her relationship issues and the reason she pushes everyone away. She has gotten help in the past (and actually admitted to "wanting to hurt others (verbally) when she is hurting" and taking things out on me, however I feel like it was just false hope. Whenever a crisis or even small stressor happens in her life, she falls right back to her old behaviors and blames me or others. She falls into a deeper depression and becomes very manipulative. It sucks because I'd like to be there for her during these times of life stress but her actions (splitting, blaming me, wanting me to fix everything, threatening suicide) make me want to put distance between us until things calm down. I don't want her to think it's ok to keep treating me like a punching bag. She is shocked we aren't as close as we used to be (and blames my marriage for that) but really I've finally grown up and learned I can't spend my life trying to make her happy and cater to her needs. I am basically her only support system and I just fear what will happen if I pull away too much.

How do you deal with the "FOG" feelings?
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Charlie3236
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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2017, 11:30:17 PM »

Hi catlady! You've gotten some really great feedback and answers here... .I just wanted to say that the only thing that has every worked for us is to have almost no contact with BPD sis. Anything else is like getting hit in the head repeatedly with a hard obect! But it's different for everyone, and we are all at differect places on this crazy jourey! Just remember to put your personal health and well being first, or you will be no good for anyone! Good luck & God Bless!
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catlady6

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« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2017, 02:02:35 PM »

I can relate to so much in your post. I think you are a doing a great job by seeking help and working on making yourself happy! It's so hard to want to open up to other people about this because you feel like they have no idea what you're going through (or have gone through) with your BPDm. I'm grateful to have found this site, and feel like it is helping to break the "FOG".

My mom and I tend to go NC after an argument or when I just can't take the splitting anymore. The worst part is she will never be the one to re-initiate contact (or even better, apologize) so we are just stuck in this cycle of not-talking and I am constantly wondering if she's ok, reminding myself I'm not a bad person, and questioning if I should reach out to her. Like you, I wish that she would be able to see that she is the cause of her relationship issues and the reason she pushes everyone away. She has gotten help in the past (and actually admitted to "wanting to hurt others (verbally) when she is hurting" and taking things out on me, however I feel like it was just false hope. Whenever a crisis or even small stressor happens in her life, she falls right back to her old behaviors and blames me or others. She falls into a deeper depression and becomes very manipulative. It sucks because I'd like to be there for her during these times of life stress but her actions (splitting, blaming me, wanting me to fix everything, threatening suicide) make me want to put distance between us until things calm down. I don't want her to think it's ok to keep treating me like a punching bag. She is shocked we aren't as close as we used to be (and blames my marriage for that) but really I've finally grown up and learned I can't spend my life trying to make her happy and cater to her needs. I am basically her only support system and I just fear what will happen if I pull away too much.

How do you deal with the "FOG" feelings?

Honestly I'm still struggling with the "FOG"... .generally I just try to remember that if a person does not want help, and wants to be toxic and abusive, all I can do is not engage. :/

I like to play The Sims 3... It helps as a stress reliever because you can do whatever you want in the game.  so if I am having a bad day I can make a town and wreck havoc on it. Maybe try video games? It's mindless entertainment and a good way to occupy time if you aren't feeling great but want to let off steam. Or coloring books, they make more intricate ones for adults and that's a relaxing way to calm down and center yourself ive found.

I also am lucky to have a support network in my friends and even some extended family now-- we basically "came out" about the situation with my mom recently to family members so people are trying to help now. so it has gotten a bit better. If you have people you can trust who you think could  help, even talking the situation through really does seem to help.

Take care of yourself. It's hard to remember to do, but your health is important too. If that means you take a break from the BPD family member, sometimes that is the right choice.
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« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2017, 07:29:09 PM »

Hello:

Sending you mental hugs.

 

You've already done the tough bit, I promise it will get better- better than you can even believe now! Your future self will thank you for this, really.

I went NC with my family for seven years. It hurts, it's tough, you blame yourself. But I was just DONE with the abuse.  I did the NC for me, but it had the unexpected, delightful effect of making my BPD dad and narcissistic mom realize that if they wanted me in their life, at all, they had to stop being abusive.  When I did decide to get back in touch, after seven years, I had some magic words I'd use when conversations went off the rails.  They were, "I don't speak to people who treat me disrespectfully. I'm hanging up now." Then later, weeks later, when I felt like it I'd call back. They'd yell, I'd hang up.  Rinse and repeat. Result? We now have relatively light, pleasant phone chats in which I can say things like, "Nope, we aren't talking about that" and they actually shut up.

To that place, where I could go NC without self-doubt,  I had to really, truly, not give a damn what they thought of me. Which meant recognizing they were too ill and confused and messed up to have opinions worth valuing. They didn't get to decide whether I was good, or bad, at all. And having that respect for myself, to my amazement, made my parents respect me much, much more. Because on some level I truly don't give a damn, and they know it.

My advice would be, next time she grabs dad's phone, to say, "Every time you grab Dad's phone or yell at him, I will hang up." and do it. And do it. And do it. Like training a seal, until, hopefully, she learns.

I also realize that this might not work at all with her, since BPD varies. It did not work with my BPD bro, though it did with my BPD dad. So I don't mean to imply that if you do this, they will magically respond, and if they don't it's somehow your fault. I merely suggest if because it worked in my case, and I got the feeling you wanted to try something to keep the phone lines open with your dad. Going NC with mom and dad both also a viable and justifiable option!

Best of luck, and give yourself a big hug.

Oh, one more trick. Make a big list of fun things you want to do for yourself. Then whenever mom does find a way to get at you, pick an item on your list and do it. She just "bought" you some fun time! The fun time, you know, that she should have been providing right along as a good mother with your best interest, not hers, at heart.

Hugs,

Daisy.
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Charlie3236
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« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2017, 02:56:27 PM »

I love this Daisy! I believe this is really and truly the only way to thrive when you have BPD/NPD parents!
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